vampiremovies Reviews

Talk Dirty to Me Part III (1984)

the only mermaid porn film in existence

[7/10 · 10 July 2004]

As far as I am aware this is the only mermaid porn film in existence. If anybody knows of any others please let me know!!! For that reason alone it is unique.

Its an adult take on "Splash" with Traci Lords as our voluptuous mermaid who can conveniently materialise legs when out of the water. Lords is amazing and lights up the screen, it is unbelievable to think that she is just 16! This film was quickly taken off the shelves and reshot with a different actress and I hear that the remake is awful since what makes this movie is Lords.

The film has a clear plot, attempt at acting and a great deal of charm. Secretly I rather enjoyed it!

Roller Blade (1986)

yea verily bad indeed

[1/10 · 30 January 2004]

I'm a big fan of B-Movies, but even the sight of Michelle Bauer naked and the novelty of rollerblading nuns 'skating the path of righteousness' is not enough to save this film.

I have now seen the first three of the five "Rollerblade" films - why oh why I ask myself!!! This is not the worst (I kid you not) Rollerblade 7 (no. 3 in the saga) is a close contender for worst movie EVER made. But it is still terrible. Set in some kind of post apocalypse mad max world these mystic rollerblading nuns who worship the acidman face are the force of order - Honor bound to defeat all chaotic minions in this case the evil Dr. Satacoy, a leather faced rocket scientist with a pervy puppet for a hand.

What gets me most is the mock Shakesperian language, often with a put on French (I think) accent. Mother Speed, the wheelchair bound leader of the rollerblade order likes saying "yea verily" and thus, thee and tresspass are stuck in quite a bit. Terrible dialogue, Bad acting, poor cinamatography, laughable special effects, non-sensical plot.... Who came up with this garbage?!

Alien Agenda: Endangered Species (1998 Video)

no-budget X-files rip

[3/10 · 26 January 2004]

I picked up this movie as a big fan of Debbie Rochon, and for that reason alone was not disappointed, she is the one thing that makes this movie watchable. There are 4 'stories' - the first is a journalist who finds out that her boyfriend is an alien and that she's pregnant. This segment is by far the best of the movie, its well acted, interesting and frankly looks great.

Alas it goes down hill from here, the second story is about an operative who disappeared 5 years ago and suddenly reappears being chased by these two dodgy looking men in black. They are aliens and want this mysterious stone that only he knows the location of. Rather dull and nonsensical.

Part three is the worst, I almost didn't think I'd make it to the end. A man is sent into the quarrentined state of Florida in the not to distant future to bring back intelligence on alien time travel. He gets to wrestle a papier mache alligator and do some very silly looking kung-fu. Shudder this is bad.

The final part beings us back to the lovely Miss Rochon and brings in the alien war plot line. Not bad, reasonably complex plot and ok the budget is very limited, but I actually thought it wasn't too bad.

Overall this is a very disjointed film. The middle is so very very bad, and rather unnecessary, but the beginning and end are rather fun. I can't say I'd recommend this, but I have seen an awful lot worse.

Demonwarp (1988)

b-movie badness

[2/10 · 11 January 2004]

Ok, I'm a big fan of B-movies and films that are so bad they are funny, but this is just baaaaaaaaaad. The special effects are pretty cool, but only towards the end of the film. The guy in the ape suit is really pathetic. The plot is absolutely dire and the characters... what characters? they are that shallow! Plenty of RGB's (random gratuitous breast shots) but even that can't save this. I wanted the hour and a half of my life back that I wasted watching this garbage, its terrible.

Tromeo and Juliet (1996)

So amazing I had to watch it again

[10/10 · 26 September 2003]

This movie is truly unique. It really captures the spirit of the play, but makes it entertaining to the modern generation. The romance between Tromeo and Juliet was believable, and erotic, not pulled off by many adaptations. It is also so funny I was almost crying with laughter.

Like with most Troma its in your face, taboo subjects, gore and sex, and yet add in some really good acting and a Shakespeare plot. You really have to see this movie to believe it!

There are some hillarious jokes in the credits (best credits I've seen since Hot Shots) loads of Troma in jokes as well as general satire and shakespeare refs. And Lemmy from the house of Motorhead narrates. I lent this movie to a friend and had an almost impossible job of getting it back. Troma at its best, this film really is a gem, and goes in my top 5 favourite movies of all time.

Though its not the sort of film you'd watch with your mum, and might offend some people. For anybody bored with run of the mill cinema, with a wacky sense of humour you MUST SEE THIS FILM.

The Order (2003)

Intelligent, dark and original, how did this gem slip past the hollywood net?

[8/10 · 15 September 2003]

*may contain spoilers*

I can't believe the bad press this movie is getting. I nearly didn't go because the reviews were so poor. Even when I was in the cinema two people walked out. What? why? The answer seems to me be to be because it dares to be different. It doesn't have a happy ending, it doesn't say the church is wonderful, it doesn't offer any easy solutions and this is why it is so good!

I think people were expecting some sort of Exorcist shocker. That's not what this film is about at all, its about the nature of evil, the nature of man and the responsibilities of power. Its very slow, particularly in the beginning, but once you get into this its really interesting. I love the concept of the sin eater, and thought it was handled really well, if the sfx were a little to Matrix like. You can cut the atmosphere of this film with a knife, these two demonic children are damn creepy. Ledger didn't give the best performance of his career, but he wasn't bad, and managed to pull off what is a really complex role.

If like me you are interested in dark mythologies, the church and the supernatural, I think you'll find a great deal to enjoy. But you will need to bring your brain along, as it is not always the easiest film to follow.

Barbarella (1968)

the most beautiful film ever made

[10/10 · 11 August 2003]

This film is beautiful. From the gorgeous Jane Fonda, and sexy Pygar to the wonderful costumes, and the very shiney sets, there is nothing ugly in the whole thing.

Unbelievably silly it has some fantastic lines of dialogue like "de-crucify the angel or I melt your face!" Great characters, a killer lava lamp, fur lined space ship and a villain called Duran Duran.

The evil organ of desire scene, and the opening strip tease still manage to be erotic, even though this film is dated. Cult with a capital C, this is never going to appeal to a mainstream audience, and yet remains my favourite movie of all time. A classic. And very pretty pretty.

Iron Warrior (1987)

80's arthouse fantasy

[2/10 · 29 July 2003]

This is very different from the standard sword 'n sandal pics, and indeed the other two Ator films. It feels more like an art house film. Lots of swirling cloths, slomo-scenes, coloured filters, weird hair styles and make up and a WTF?! Ending. Our princess wears dresses made of swirling cloths in either scarlet or blue, she has pink lips and one pink eyebrow (weird) and her hair is kinda gathered into this crest like a Greek helmet which is just odd. Ator, has his hair done like a girl, beautifully braided and is too neat and styalised to be the 'warrior hero' he is supposed to be. The whole thing feels like a rock video, or an advert for something. The one great thing is that it isn't dubbed.

This is by the director of the awful 1973 'Beauty of the Barbarian' and had I known that I might not have bought it. This is a terrible film. Nothing much happens, its very very arty ie: pretty in a very 80's kind of way, but not much substance. The music is again poorly chosen, though its not as cringeworthy as the skippy the kangaroo stylee stuff from 'beauty of the barbarian'. The characters are underdeveloped, and although Miles O'Keeffe is undeniably lovely to look at, even he cannot save this film. The ending is sudden, weird and non sensical, if you can make it that far. The special effects like Phaedra's spinning hula hoop are tacky. There is no tension, no emotion, no real story and even the sword fights aren't particularly exciting. Still, it is quite pretty, the scenery (its filmed in Malta) is beautiful, and it does have a shirtless Miles O'Keeffe.