aliensbishop Reviews

Your Name. (2016)

A Sad Attempt at Channelling Donnie Darko

[2/10 · 11 January 2017]

Your Name has nice animation.

It is also a very soulless rehash of the much more entertaining story found in the film Donnie Darko. A catastrophe occurs and time travel/science magic makes a story possible. Only in Your Name, the story will be filled with painfully predictable and empty characters who end up succumbing to only-very-slightly-refined (if that) anime tropes.

I don't remember the character's names so I'll just say boy and girl. They switch bodies for some reason. The girl becomes the boy and vice versa. However, it becomes a series of gags. Enjoy.

In Donnie Darko, a plane engine crashes to earth and the main character, Donnie, is killed. However, the story of Donnie Darko actually takes us on a mind-bending journey that shows how this comes about. Your Name does not even attempt this.

Tokyo is a dirty city. Your Name does not show the dirty side of Tokyo. Viewers will be given glistening and idyllic views of train stations that torment the life out of millions of people everyday. This is no Blade Runner; you will not see a speck of filth.

Completely confused as to why this animated film is given any respect. Sure, Ghibli films are filled with the same idyllic scenery, but there is (almost) always something more to appreciate *cough* storytelling *cough* .

2/10 out of respect for the poor souls who had to render such sparkling scenes in spite of knowing they were bull****.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

Dangles the carrot but doesn't deliver

[4/10 · 22 December 2011]

David Fincher's remake of TGWTDT has enough to keep the film steady on its feet, but lacks a horde of specific qualities from Oplev's excellent effort.

Firstly, in a basic mystery story, there is a need to present a series of twists and discoveries that lead to solving the mystery. Fincher's film fails to present this trail of bread crumbs in the same enticing way that Oplev's did. Instead, we get a fast forward hyperspace logic jump when Blomkvist's daughter (out of nowhere) points out the vital clue that breaks the case, and then all related info is collected by Lisbeth in 5 minutes.

Secondly, the following characters were shadows of themselves in the Fincher version: 1. Lisbeth Salander 2. Henrik Vanger 3. Martin Vanger 4. Bjurman The actors weren't horrible, but they were not as good as the ones in the Swedish version.

Lastly, there were key omissions and changes which, for me, were completely inexplicable and confusing. 1. Lisbeth's past, father, etc. was one or two lines of dialog. 2. Harriet Vanger in London? 3. Vanger does not tell Blomkvist that he knew Harriet.

It all adds up to a disappointing attempt to recreate the dark energy of Oplev's film. And the opening sequence was like a Tool video mixed with bad James Bond.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Mental Shipwreck

[1/10 · 22 June 2011]

Revenge of the Sith.

You loved it, shot yourself, summoned your corpse back to life and then introduced a bill which makes destroying pop culture touchstones illegal. Then you shot yourself again.

This is the only acceptable course of action for anyone who has seen this film. It was almost frightening, once again, to realize that idiots with the GDP of a country at their budgetary disposal will produce such abysmal work.

Yet another study in CGI overload and ADD editing. All the characters phone it in hard. If you have seen the other prequels, and are willing to be honest with yourself, the masochism isn't worth it.

It has been said many times in these reviews, but the dialog is almost surreal how bad it gets. It is spiritually exhausting to devote another minute to this review. God help us all.

Black Swan (2010)

Thank you for this.

[8/10 · 12 December 2010]

Thank you for another quality film. Black Swan was an excellent effort. I found a lot of humorous moments in the film, which put an interesting twist on a pretty dark theme.

The alchemy between the story of Nina and the story of Swan Lake provided some interesting ambiguity. In certain scenes, Nina's role requires her to emote things which mirror her own struggles and deterioration. However, we in the audience are not sure whether she is acting for the sake of the role in the ballet or because she is really beginning to tap into her own dark places. The film walks a razor's edge as it takes both stories to the climax in the final performance of the ballet.

My only complaint was that Nina seems to take a journey from girlhood to insanity rather than girlhood to womanhood, which means (to me at least) that she is still a girl at the end, and nothing has changed. Again, the heavily ambiguous structure of the story could easily go another way, so I hesitate to draw any real conclusions.

Well Done.

Avatar (2009)

Money + Technology = Garbage

[1/10 · 7 July 2010]

With a budget like this you would think that, at the very least, basic elements of a decent film should not be lacking. Well written story, passable dialog, above par actors, etc...

Well, welcome to Hollywood!!! Those things have been relegated to the past! No more worrying about where that clever plot twist will lead, or that enigmatic character, or those subtle hints and tics in the dialog that aren't in-your-face obvious. Avatar blazes a new trail to where Money and Technology apparently rut for days, then pop out a bouncing baby masterpiece!!! Rad! Where to begin? Stream of consciousness/associative thinking might get it over with quickest. Fern Gully in Space (minus Tim Curry's voice), Dances with Wolves only worse, and Smurfs without believable characters like Gargamel and his cat come immediately to the fore. Pastel overdose.

UNOBTAINIUM!!!

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

Nice Touches Make a Good Story Shine

[9/10 · 7 July 2010]

Fantastic Mr. Fox is an impressive work, one requiring enormous time and effort to animate the characters and build the miniature, detailed sets. This is a medium that reminds me of films that are usually childish, cheesy, or very old, yet there wasn't any of that in this effort.

The story was well adapted for the screen, and I thought it did a good job of incorporating Roald Dahl's great book without ruining it. The idea of pinning on bits before and after the time frame of the book, and the addition of more storyline about the Fox family was well done, too.

As per usual, the music in the film was well chosen and added to the fun element. The whimsical Wes Anderson touch is in effect, unexpected bits in the dialog, little extras here and there.

All in all, a great one to see, and an excellent example of what can be done in the medium. Highly recommended.

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

Shoot for Mediocrity!

[1/10 · 6 July 2010]

Meryl Streep, you're the coolest.

That said, let's talk about The Devil Wears Prada. The "takeaway" for me was that you should shoot for mediocrity and not make uncomfortable choices which could take your (supposedly) adult friends and above all your chunk boyfriend out of their comfort zones. Or, wait, it was that you should be true to yourself and not get wrapped up in some superficial world? No, actually, it was that Anne Hathaway got to breeze through a bi-polar flirty/flustered role, and the only reason the film teeters and totters and flops around is thanks to Meryl Streep. Thank you for completely shredding "Andy" about the sweater. There was a moment there.

Just to review, the way to get going in a career is to (A). Get into a position where you can make great connections, make yourself indispensable, and ride the wave to the beach, or (B). Get a lucky break, resist the necessary sacrifices, place your priorities elsewhere, aim low and look for an out?

Ready!?!? The answer is"B"!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Andy" does great for herself by following that tried-and-true method and WOW, is she rewarded. She doesn't get her guy, I think (script?), because he's a hot property sous chef moving to Boston. She gets some kind of "real" (wow, could go on and on) job, probably writing copy at a "real" publication. Just let it end. You are not know how to write good story.

The star is yours, Meryl.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

The weatherman looks better on green screen...

[1/10 · 6 July 2010]

When the computer wolf walking around the people looks like a THOMAS KINKADE painting in the snowy mountains of what is supposed to be the Olympic range, you're watching Eclipse.

Good one on the technical end, producers. My local news' weather forecast is more convincing when they stand there gesticulating on the green screen.

Reason i harp on that is; the one feasible saving grace of this glacial, forgettable, lost-puppy "film" could have been a great-looking supernatural beast vampire war/unholy throwdown. I will say in absolute seriousness that the best thing in the film was the sound effect of vampire bodies snapping. That was well done. As for the rest...well, I'll just say that if you're familiar with the concept of a love triangle, what you see in your imagination will be far better than what you'll see on screen. *Cue Levar Burton*