Joe-Cuba Reviews

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

A drive-in sleeper

[4/10 · 15 August 2004]

I've been a fan of both "Alien" and "Predator" films (but not the sequels) and the Dark Horse comics "AVP" series. However, this film fell flat for me. I felt they tried to cram many ideas into the film and did not delve deep enough. I felt rushed. The way the movie filmed, granted it's supposed to be dark underground, it took away from the finer movements that were not clear because of the bad lighting. The fight scenes were to blurred too make them exciting. Also, had you covered my eyes, when the Aliens were screeching, I would have sworn I was hearing the velocoraptors from "Jurassic Park".

Pretty much I had to think the film in my head to "enjoy" it.

Take a lot of coffee if you're going to see this.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

What a load of crap!

[24 April 2004]

I finally rented this movie and viewed it last night. Being that it was written and directed by Rob Zombie, I thought at best, it would be worth while. I was dead wrong. Zombie makes a tragic cut and paste job of rehashing of old B-movies ideas, throwing in gore, sex and torture for the sake of effect. The camera angles were annoying and it was just plain vulgar for vulgarity's sakes. I was yawning half way through the movie. If I wanted to view this much stupidity, I'd go to the local urban high school and watch the gangbangers act the same way.

I understood what Zombie was trying to accomplish, including Otis' KKK sounding rhetoric; a redneck using big words to sound educated to justify his insane beliefs. Zombie had a few great ideas but they got lost in the garbage. Kind of like seeking a diamond ring in a landfill.

I give this movie second place below "Wendigo" as worst movies made in the horror genre. Avoid the movie. It'll be a waste of your precious time. You've been warned.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

ho hum...

[18 January 2004]

This movie wasn't worth the time I spent watching it. No suspense whatsoever, everything just moved too quickly, including Michael and a big plot hole: how did Mikey get from Illinois to a Nothern California rest stop without stopping for gas? I mean, somebody should have noticed a big dude with a mask trying to buy gas. After that, the movie is just not believable. It was so bad, we placed bets on who would next and I lost one, LL Cool J. It was just that predicatable.

I Spy (2002)

Another bad Murphy movie

[30 November 2003]

I don't know what was worse? Watching great actors in really bad movies or watching Eddie Murphy's "star" do a painfully slow crash and burn. I think Murphy should hang it up or stick to movies scripts that made him great. If it works the first time, stick to it. Next thing we'll see is Murphy doing Shakespere as Buckwheat...

The Tuxedo (2002)

I finally broke down and saw it...

[30 November 2003]

and regret doing so. Thank God it was only a dollar to rent. The only good scenes were the outtakes. The whole movie seemed unrehearsed and amatuerish. This was a bad Chan movie. I suppose he's allowed one bad movie per lifetime. Don't do it again, Jackie!

Don't Say a Word (2001)

Not bad, not great...

[28 November 2003]

I recognized much borrowing from other films in this movie. That didn't make it a bad movie but I had the feeling that I have seen this particular movie before. Deja vu per se.

SPOILER ALERT!

What made this movie a bit unbelievable were several things:

1. What doctor do you know would do a pro bono case for anyone on the night before the Thanksgiving holiday?

2. What cop in NYC would stop a parade for anyone other than the US President?

3. Major plot hole: After the girl's daddy dies in the subway in NYC, they arrest the bad guys and we see a cop kneeling and talking to the girl. Ummm... how did she get away from the cops and hitched a ride to Hart's Island?

4. After the scene with the detective and Dr. Sachs, the Doc is never seen again. Did NYPD let him slip away as well?

5. Towards the end of the movie, "Patrick" tells Douglas that the doc isn't like him. I have agree with "Patrick" on this one. If it had been my daughter and someone kidnapped her, I would have shot their butt after I knew she was ok. That would have been more realistic.

It was a good story nevertheless, if you can over look the obvious plot holes and want a cheap thrill.

The Tailor of Panama (2001)

This is a "What the heck was this movie about?" comment.

[24 November 2003]

This movie was wrong on so many levels except for the plot. It would have made a fine movie if we could cut Pierce's unconvincing 'British MI6 agent who swore every other line' role, Curtis' flash of skin for the sake of the film...it's just too much to mention. Did Boorman really think it was necessary to provide sleeze? I suppose he thought the plot couldn't stand on it's own.

I fell asleep during this film. I couldn't decipher if this was a comedy or a serious movie? Maybe it was both? Maybe Curtis thought she needed to show she was still a 'hottie' (sorry hon, they look fake)? Maybe Bronson was trying to recapture his youth? To me, this movie joined some great talent to make a horrible film.

Dark Asylum (2001)

Pretty good for a B-movie

[14 November 2003]

I rented this as a "throw away", just something to watch. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. No, it wasn't Jason or Freddy but it kept the pace. Larry Drake made a good psycho and Judd Nelson did well as the "janitor". It has potential to be developed into a better movie if it were remade. Remember "Red Dragon" was a B movie in the 80's before it caught on and remade well.

I recommend it as one of the better B movie thrillers.

The Ring (2002)

Where do I start? **Spoiler Alert**

[3 April 2003]

There were more holes in the plot than a generic condom. The writers and the director just couldn't sell the plot to me. ...

If Samara had the ability to do all these supernatural things, and she was alive for seven days in the well before she died, why in the blue blazes didn't she call somebody and say "I'm in the well. Get my butt out of here!" I mean, think about it. That's what I would have done. I'll get even later, just get my butt out of here first, dangit! Screw that mystical crap. Get my butt outta here!!! I mean, why I am I going to make a tape, with all those stupid images, and take the chance that a moron gets hold of it and can't figure it out??? She can supposedly call someone and tell them they have seven days before they die, she can make tapes, etch images into wood, film, etc. BUT she couldn't send a message out to get her sorry butt out of the well???!!! Come on...

Pretty much ends the movie right there, doesn't it? ;) Then it would be more akin to watching the rescue of baby Jessica on CNN than a horror flick...

Bad Company (2002)

Not a believable film

[3 April 2003]

Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock. Water and oil. They didn't mesh. Both fine actors that don't belong together in the same film. Some things are just best left alone. Good try guys, but this fell flat for me. Hopkins came across as a CIA agent who doesn't care one way or another about life in general. I expected him to yawn while telling Rock that his twin brother died. Rock was trying too hard to be serious and funny at the same time. He just looked too uncomfortable in this role. Too stiff and too dry like a bad martini is the best I can say about the film.

Wendigo (2001)

The worst film ever made.

[3 April 2003]

I rented this movie on DVD just a few weeks ago. I thought I had seen it all. This movie doesn't even qualify as a "B - Movie". It's more like "G- movie" for GARBAGE! This makes all the Ed Wood's movies look like Oscar winners.

The two best parts of this movie (a phrase I will use lightly here) were when the "Wendigo" was tip-toeing through the woods, looking like he's singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" to himself, chasing a truck on the road parallel to him, doing at least 80 miles an hour. The second one was in the "Features" section, where they show how they made the mechanism used for Wendigo's legs.

That's it.

Don't rent this. Don't buy it. Don't even take it for free. One final advise; if you have seen it, don't admit it.

This is a goof's nightmare, no one would want to know the trivia behind it, and a waste of good film.