randomhooves Reviews

Mega Ape (2023)

Utterly, utterly awful.

[1/10 · 2 February 2024]

This 'film' - it is, when titles, and filler shots are taken out, less than an hour long - is completely wretched. The acting is dreadful, the effects would be considered unacceptable 20 years ago, the cinematography is risible. There is not one redeeming feature to this film - even the cover is wrong, with the 'ape' being a chimp, rather than the advertised gorilla. Bizarre that films this terrible can be released whilst $90m budget films are canned in post production as tax write offs. It makes even Asylum productions look like masterpieces. Save yourself an hour of your life - I have suffered through this crap so you won't have to. 1/10 purely because zero isn't an option on IMDb.

God Raiga vs King Ohga (2021)

Hilarious.

[6/10 · 15 September 2022]

This is a sequel to the film 'Raiga God of the monsters', and is a chronically low budget film, that really doesn't take itself seriously at all. The actors are... limited, but are either playing for laughs, or deliberately hamming up the seriousness of the scene. Basic plot line is that, several years after Raiga was seen off by the Japanese navy, it returns to battle both the military, and 'Ogha', another giant monster. The battle scenes are home computer low budget, some scenes are literally army action figure stills with voice over for sets there clearly wasn't the budget for, and a military super weapon is a hilarious knockoff of a Games Workshop Warhound titan, with Nerf gattling guns for arms, complete with Nerf bullets. This is only for fans of kaiju movies who just want to complete their lists, and those who just want some fun weirdness. 6/10 for everyone clearly just having fun making it.

Antlers (2021)

A decent horror, let down by a terrible ending.

[5/10 · 27 April 2022]

Not going to write a huge amount on this - the film starts out well enough, flashbacks of the 'death' of a child's father, then the same child making terrifying drawings, in school, the caring teacher with 'issues'. There's lots of deprivation, and gore along the way, but the bit that ruined it for me, was the huge monster, which had brutalised multiple victims, torn grown men to shreds, was dominated by the tiny teacher played by Keri Russel. A person who would have difficulty crushing a grape in reality, effectively curb stomps it, whilst being swatted about by claws that previously torn children to pieces, and severed limbs, that do literally no damage to her. If this were Buffy I could understand it, but it's not, and the suspension of disbelief is eliminated. 5 stars, could have been a lot more.

Knowing (2009)

Decent, but barely veiled religious film.

[3/10 · 2 November 2021]

A kid fifty years ago writes a bunch of numbers on a bit of paper, in current day America, Nicolas Cages son gets them from a time capsule. They apparently tell dates, locations, and number of dead from various global disasters - and some haven't happened yet! A bunch of blond weirdos are also watching! Eventually the earth being destroyed is found to be the last date on the numbers, and low and behold the weirdos are aliens - strangely with wings and angelic forms. Those who 'hear the call' are saved, everyone else can burn.

Until this reveal it's a decent enough sci-fi, after it becomes a dull 'rapture' advertisement. Haven't checked, but the funding is most likely from some fanatical Christian sect. A shame really, it could have been so much better.

Voyagers (2021)

Lord of the flies... in space.

[6/10 · 1 November 2021]

It's an interesting concept, although the basic premise seems to be around a century early, both in terms of technology, and necessity - in around 40 years due to 'impending doom' of climate change a bunch of vat grown kids (and Colin Farrell) are blasted off to an exo-planet 86 years away (we're not told how far, just how long). They are to be the first of three generations along the journey. They have been isolated from things normal kids have done (no outdoors or family) and throughout childhood and adolescence have been drugged to suppress their baser urges. Some of them realise this, and stop taking the behaviour inhibitors, leading to a Lord of the flies like revolution happening after Colin clocks out following a potentially extraterrestrial encounter. Things go downhill for them all after this.

Overall the performances are decent, the plot itself isn't bad, and the production values are high., the sound design is also atmospheric, and haunting in its way. A reasonable film 6/10.

Muppets Haunted Mansion (2021 TV Special)

Just about ok

[30 October 2021]

This was the muppets, the jokes were passable, it seemed a bit like an extended, dramatised ride through the Disney Haunted mansion, which is fair enough, but what on earth has happened to Kermit's voice? Who ok'ed that? #NotmyKermit.

Heinous Sound (2019)

A pretty good short.

[8/10 · 16 July 2021]

This is actually pretty darn good for a short. A radio/podcast host, specialising in serial killers has a visit from a boiler repair man, and a conversation takes place. Without spoilers this is all that can really be said. It works nicely though. Glad I watched - found on Tubi.

Howl (I) (2015)

Far better than its rating.

[9/10 · 8 July 2021]

This is a really fantastic horror film, good performances, good effects, good script. I honestly can't understand the sub 6 star rating.

The basics are that a rag tag bunch of people are stuck on a train that breaks down in the middle of nowhere, and is put under siege by a strange creature. It has all the usual problems of an enemy within, smarmy git who is out for number one only, a few comedy relief moments, and a fantastic cameo which will have fans of the genre chuckling.

It's not quite on the level of Dog Soldiers, but to be honest, it's really not that far off. Should really rate this as an 8, but I'll give it a 9 just to try and up the frankly ridiculous average rating.

Red Sonja: Queen of Plagues (2016)

Disappointing, and dear Lord, save us from the plag!!!

[3/10 · 30 November 2020]

Well. This is a new version of Red Sonja - or "Sone-ja" as they pronounce it here - a long line of terrible pronouncements unfortunately. Sonja and her bud are rescued from the slave pits of an evil king and old Red stays and fights as his champion in gratitude for this freedom. Years later her old friend returns at the head of an army to conquer the kingdom. They fight, Sonja is infected with the "plag" (plague), and is banished to die in the mountains, the kingdom sealed for residents to die of plag. A cure is found, Sonja returns, calls her frenemy to fight but lo! The evil behind the whole thing is the old tyrant whom was defeated at the opening of the film. There is a further twist, but you can find that out for yourself if you stick it this long. The animation is poor. Really poor, and whilst the voice actors do a decent job of instilling character, they are let down by terrible direction on how to pronounce basic words - plague is now "plag", Sonja, "Sone-ja", gaol (normally pronounced the same as jail, and with the same meaning) is now "ga-ool" - there are others, but these really stood out, plag being the most grating. This could have been a lot better, with the bulk of the problems being the animation. A shame really.

Terminator Genisys (2015)

Far better than expected.

[7/10 · 18 November 2020]

Just finishing watching this as I write. This film is not great by any means, but is significantly better than some claim. Any rating of 1, or 10 can safely be disregarded for this film. As pure action it is very good, as a terminator film, it's passable, and as a film in general it is perfectly cromulent. I'm not going to get into details, but I suggest you give it a go.

Ratched (2020)

An interesting, and stylish cuckoo.

[7/10 · 16 October 2020]

I have watched the opening episode of this new series, and it has led me to several observations. Firstly, the cinematography is exquisite, the camera work flawless, and the overall stylishness of the phenomenal. Rich colours, amazing scenery, and glorious sets abound. The acting is a little over the top, but the performances are enjoyable. The pacing seems a little rushed, but I fell this might just be a first episode thing. My last observation however isn't quite as uplifting. This is supposed to be an origin story for Nurse Mildred Ratched, the main on screen antagonist in the exceptionally good 1975 film "One flew over the cuckoos nest". The character in this new series however bears essentially zero resemblance to the character in the film, and whilst I understand people change, the ruthless, sociopathic serial killer Ratched is portrayed as being in this opener is simply a completely different person. In conclusion I feel this series has great promise, and will likely continue in the frenetic, and interesting manner that it has begun, but tying it to One flew over the cuckoos nest does both film, and series a great disservice, as name and profession aside, there are no links between this Ratched, and the original.

Don't Speak (2020)

Just don't...

[2/10 · 17 September 2020]

I'm watching this as I write the review, it's not going to get any better, so I won't wait until the end - don't worry, you probably won't make it that far yourself. This is a very strange film, clearly a rip off of 'A quiet place', but makes even less sense.

Ok, a quick synopsis (nope, it's so bad you have to have a more detailed run through, sorry) An American family takes a trip through rural England - There is no explanation of why they are there, but one set of grandparents is near by and the grandfather has heart problems, or some such nonsense. Regardless, the American family, and the daughters American boyfriend (no explanation given) take a trip to see them, but lo and behold! The entire town is deserted. Shortly after it turns out a strange creature is killing everyone. There at the point of me watching/writing is (again) no explanation of where the creature is from - a sign on a wire fence near the village as the family are driving there states "Testing in progress" but this is not expanded upon. As expected much gore follows. They figure out the creature hunts by sound, although this is not apparent until they magically have an epiphany.

Oh, and for some reason the creature doesn't appear to kill all its victims, some, including the grandma the family are visiting get strung up like something out of 'Alien', which clearly makes the mother want to rescue her - a truly stupid idea. The daughter gets thrown up on by the creature, and seems to get infected with something through this...

At the point I'm writing there are 20 mins left. I shall soldier on so you don't have to...

... well, as expected the daughter is turning into one of the creatures (or is full of hatching eggs, not too sure) but manfully tries to cut the devil out. The mother goes off and finds the grandmother and hides in a barrel of water to hide from the creature, not realising she actually has to come up for air every few seconds... sigh, and still manages to whine pathetically right next to the creature that is supposed to instantly be attracted to sound. It should end there with her being torn to shreds, but no, the useless son distracts it by whining even harder....

This is torture, please do not let my suffering be in vain...

... the son runs, but the father, who had heroically sacrificed himself earlier for the daughter is magically not dead, and does so again to save the son. This time I think he is, along with my soul. Do these idiots even know how to keep quiet??? The mother dies from stupidity at last, and the son, fresh from cradling what was left of his father heads out into the morning light. He finds his now dead sister with eggs falling out of her, and then a hand gun, which of course every family in the U.K. has laying around. He's super angry now, although not as angry as I am from having to watch this tat. Finds his stupid mother who still isn't dead, and shoo... oh dear, no bullets in the gun.

Here the military turn up with no helmets and save the day. I wish they had turned up for real on the set, and taken all the film away and burnt it. Twisty twisty at the end, he's got some eggs too!

The acting is terrible, creature effects poor - not even attempting to hide the fact it's a terrible rubber suit - , plot almost non existent. A really terrible film by any metric sadly.

Devs (2020)

Good story, ruined by poor lead, and plot choices.

[5/10 · 23 July 2020]

This is an excellently visualised near future science fiction about a tech supremo - think Bill Gates crosses with Elon Musk, who has developed a "machine" that can predict what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen, to anyone, at any point. This super secretive invention has been pioneered by the titular "Devs", the newest of which turns out to be a Russian spy, intent on stealing the technology. He is killed, and the murder made to look like a suicide. Unfortunately his girlfriend happens to also work at the same tech enterprise, allbeit in a much lesser capacity, and she refuses to accept it is a suicide, eventually uncovering his murder. This would be fine, but sadly the lead actress is so whiney, annoying, and, frankly this ruins the show for me. The other actors are fine, and feel like they fit in the roles, but sadly, as said, the lead is a square peg in a round hole.

The Drone (2019)

Laughably bad.

[2/10 · 16 June 2020]

The Drone... where to start. This film is terrible, as so many low budget horror films are. The cast is reasonable, obviously nice to look at, but otherwise wooden. The film starts, similarly to Child's Play, with our titular villain 'magically' transferring himself at the point of death (having had his serial killer ways revealed to the police) into a flying, remote control drone. A photographer finds the drone, and takes it home to his wife, and it begins to mine their personal data, and take pictures of them, and others, writing emails in their names, essentially appearing to try and break them up - but why??? Turns out the serial killer used to go out with the good lady wife of the photographer - one of many unbelievable events, seeing as how, when alive he resembled a rat, and she is smoking hot. Anyhoo, the drone proceeds to kill their promiscuous blonde neighbour, the family dog, and frames the husband, the police take him in, and the wife smashes the drone... The end you'd think, but no!! The drone manages to survive, rotors intact, and goes to it's brothers house, where it manages to convince him in quick order that it is his dead serial killer brother. A quick call to amazon later and the drone is now flying robocop - did we forget the brother happens to be a tech wiz? The police decide to release the husband and he, and the wife hire a PI, who finds the address of our drone's brother, before meeting a very violent end, and the couple go to, and end up killing the drone's bother, just because. Returning to their house to pack and leave, they are trapped by the newly upgraded drone (now complete with voice synthesizer) and it terrorises them a bit more. The police turn up, and are dispatched in short order, and our heroes destroy the drone. The end... or not!!! In a 'brilliant' twist the drone manages to transfer the serial killer into the husband, who then attacks the wife, she stabs him in the eye with an electrical plug, kicks him through a window, off a balcony, and impales him on the grave marker of the buried family dog - all the way through a la Dracula. This wooden pole is about four inches in diameter. In the final moments of the film the husband seems to regain control, and, brutally broken, bleeding from everywhere, impaled, and with one eye gone, the wife utters the immortal line "Are you ok?" Clearly miffed with such total lack of attention to what she has just done to his body, the husband dies, along with part of my soul. Now the film really ends. I don't care if there was a post credits scene, as this was utter dross.

Zoo (2015–2017)

Laughably poor

[2/10 · 9 February 2020]

The premise is good, the worlds animals revolt against humanity. So far, so good. Lions kill a group of tourists in Botswana, and some escape a zoo in the US. Some dogs in Slovenia kill people as well. I'm on episode 3, and all the various protagonists have gathered in Tokyo to figure out what to do. It's just ridiculous. I have no problem with the basic premise here, but watching a handful of wolves break into a high security prison, where there is a death row and the guards mysteriously refuse to even unholster their guns breaks any possible suspension of disbelief. I will watch a couple more episode, but unless it even tried to come back to even basic reality I won't be watching the last half of the series, let alone the remaining two.

It (I) (2017)

Good, but not great.

[7/10 · 2 October 2017]

I am a huge fan of the book, and wasn't disappointed by the TV adaption, and walked into the cinema really looking forward to this new 'IT'eration. I walked out feeling a little bit like I did after watching the Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit series of films. The basic storyline was there, as were many of the events that occurred in the novel, but like the Tolkien adaptions there were too many jarring omissions, additions, other assorted departures from the book for my liking. There were also a tremendous number of continuity errors, mostly concerning characters falling into/being doused with various liquids in one scene, then in the next (during which essentially zero time has passed) being completely dry. The acting was very good - all the characters did a good job in their roles, Bill Skarsgård is a worthy successor to Tim Curry, and was a pleasingly revolting Pennywise, the child actors continued the course set by Stranger things, and were neither annoying, or whiney most of the time, as children in films often are. For a 135 minute film it zoomed by, normally I consider this to be a good thing for a film of this length, as it means I have enjoyed the film, and/or the content has been paced correctly. In this instance, however, it felt rushed, very rushed, as mentioned above, a large amount of content has been omitted from the book - the individual characters stories were heavily truncated. I get the feeling that this film was very much released as a stand alone film, and had it failed at the box office, there would be no part 2 (thankfully this has been averted), and am expecting, a year or so after the second film there to be (like LotR) a very much extended version released, because there is so much that could have been added to the film without making the film seem too long. Anyway, again, to conclude, in its current form, "IT" is a good film, but not a great one. An improvement on the TV adaption primarily in special effects, and little else.

The Thing (1982)

As good as a sci-fi chiller gets

[10/10 · 8 December 2010]

I first watched this film about 10 years ago, after having seen the original 1950's B&W version and then being told by my dad this one was better. How right he was. From the very first scene, of the dog being chased and shot at by the Norwegian helicopter, everything is highly strung tension. The music helps to add to the atmosphere, as does the horrible isolation of the Antarctic (although not shot there) landscape. All of the actors - Kurt Russell especially - play their parts extremely well and the feeling of comradeship being torn apart by horror and suspicion just draws you further into the story (adapted from the short story "who goes there?" by John W Campbell. There is a prequel being made at the moment, detailing the events up to and including the Norwegians chasing the dog scheduled for 2011. I really hope this upcoming film contains some of the magic of the original.