Change Your Image
heisenberg83
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)
Time-Traveling Train Wreck That Should've Stayed in the Past
*Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny* feels like watching your granddad try to relive his glory days but with a bad hip and no clue where he left his car keys. It's as if the writers found a dusty old script from the 80s and said, "You know what this needs? 80-year-old Harrison Ford... and absolutely zero excitement."
The plot? Something about time travel, but by the time they explain it, you're already mentally checking out. Indy's enemies this time? Nazis... again. Apparently, the writers ran out of fresh ideas about the same time they ran out of enthusiasm. It's like they thought, "Hey, Nazis worked before, right? Let's just recycle that, toss in some half-hearted CGI action scenes, and call it a day."
And Ford? Bless him, but he's more Indiana Bones than Indiana Jones. The man spends half the movie looking like he'd rather be napping than cracking whips. You can practically hear his joints creaking louder than the booby traps. There's no sense of danger anymore, just a slow-paced jog through set pieces that feel more outdated than the Ark of the Covenant.
Even the supporting cast looks like they're wondering how they ended up in this disaster. Phoebe Waller-Bridge tries to bring some sass, but it's like watching someone add glitter to a soggy biscuit-just sad and pointless. The whole thing plays like a theme park ride that desperately needs to be shut down for repairs, but they keep it running because, well, nostalgia.
The real treasure in *Dial of Destiny* is the two hours of your life you'll never get back.
Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)
Tired Ride through a Theme Park of Bad Jokes
*Beverly Hills Cop 3* is what happens when a once-great comedy series gets lost at a theme park and never quite finds its way out. Eddie Murphy's Axel Foley feels like he's phoning it in, as if he's just as confused as the audience about why this movie exists. The charm and wit of the original are swapped out for cheap gags and tired jokes that fall flat faster than a broken rollercoaster.
The plot? Something about a counterfeit money ring in an amusement park, but let's be honest, you're too distracted by how lifeless everything feels to care. The action scenes are awkwardly staged, like someone put a chase scene through the slow-motion setting on an old VCR. Even Axel's signature laugh, which once could carry a scene, now feels like it's suffering from burnout.
The only thing more painful than the movie's jokes is watching Murphy navigate through the most lifeless script of his career, like a detective who's clearly out of leads-and energy.
Poor Things (2023)
A Dirty, Depraved Dive into Grotesque Humour and Chaos
*Poor Things* is like watching *Frankenstein* get hammered at a Victorian pub and spiral into debauchery, only to wake up in a fever dream of grotesque humour and gleeful vulgarity. Emma Stone's Bella is a human experiment with zero shame, bouncing from crude act to cringe-inducing scene like a toddler set loose in a brothel. It's a buffet of the bizarre, served with a side of unapologetic filth.
Willem Dafoe, as the mad scientist, seems like the most normal thing in a world where the boundary between art and straight-up depravity is blurred beyond recognition. The film doesn't just push the envelope; it drags it through the mud and lights it on fire. Expect more bodily fluids, sexual chaos, and grotesque visuals than any Victorian morality tale should ever allow. It's equal parts hilarious and horrifying, like a carnival of filth where nothing is off-limits.
Lady Macbeth (2016)
Murder, Moors, and Miserable Life Choices
*Lady Macbeth* (2016) is basically what happens when you take *Wuthering Heights* and *Gone Girl*, chuck them in a blender, and serve it with a side of cold, unseasoned 19th-century potato soup. It's as if the filmmakers looked at Shakespeare's *Macbeth* and said, "You know what this needs? Less ambition and more passive-aggressive glances over dinner."
Let's talk about Katherine, the protagonist. She's essentially trapped in a bad marriage, sure, but rather than have an affair like a normal 19th-century heroine, she goes full psycho quicker than you can say "Where's your husband?" Her solution to everything is murder, like she's an auditioning extra for *Game of Thrones*. But it's not even good murder - it's more like, "Oops, I slipped, and he's dead now," as if that was her Plan A all along.
And then there's her love interest, Sebastian. He's a stable hand with all the charisma of a soggy biscuit and, somehow, even less self-preservation. Together, they make a couple so toxic, even Romeo and Juliet are like, "At least *we* had a plan."
The movie's pacing? Well, it's as slow as Katherine walking across the moors in a dress that looks like she's been dragged through three seasons of *Downton Abbey* without changing once. They throw in random shots of her standing alone, staring out the window - probably wondering how she ended up in a film where all the characters are as emotionally repressed as a Victorian furniture catalogue.
And let's not forget the soundtrack, which is so aggressively minimalist that the sound of a pin dropping would've been a welcome plot development.
In the end, *Lady Macbeth* is what you get when someone accidentally mistakes "thrilling period drama" for "murderous tea-time soap opera," leaving you to wonder if the true villain of the piece was the costume designer. After all, if you're plotting multiple murders, the least you can do is change your frock every now and again.
The Equalizer 3 (2023)
Dreary and depressing
Something missing from this one - any light or fun or even a glint of excitement. It's like a Christopher Nolan Batman movie but even more dark and miserable, imagine if directed by Darren Aronofsky. The violence is unending and brutal, I'm surprised this took just a 15 rating in UK cinemas. I remember getting some thrills, fun and excitement from the first two Equalisers but didn't take any from this. By the time Denzel takes out the final villain, I felt woe for humanity of this is what's deemed entertainment these days. Maybe I'm getting old but I'll stick with classics like Dirty Harry and Death Wish thanks.
Magnum, P.I.: On Face Value (1984)
All sides of Thomas Magnum
This episode is great as unlike most 80s action shows it shows the realistic unfortunate consequences of car chases with bad guys. Through Magnum's actions an innocent girl is crippled.
Love how we see all aspects of Magnum personality in this one from tough avenging warrior to gentle giant with a conscience.
One of my favourites of the show.
Magnum, P.I.: Tigers Fan (1987)
Magnum at his absolute best
Surprised no reviews for this episode. We truly get to see Magnum at his best in this episode, both as a detective, as a friend, and as a bad ass military machine. The stakes are extremely high and it's great to see Magnum switch from his baseball fan self to his Navy training. Honestly the ending of this episode made me realise that even though Magnum seems like a fun loving guy, actually he can be a deadly soldier when he needs to be. A total classic episode in my book!
Rambo (2008)
It's all about his timing!!
I honestly think the reason this movie is so damn fantastic is Rambo's timing. The filmmakers know exactly how to raise the tension, stakes and violence to breaking point. And just when the audience can't take it anymore, Rambo turns up to annihilate the villains and save the protagonists. They do this two or three times and it always gives you major goosebumps.
Stallone is a great director. I really respect his filmmaking skills having seen this, not an easy movie to coordinate and film either. I only wish he'd taken more creative control over the next one as well.
Cobra Kai: Miyagi-Do (2021)
Best opener of ANY series EVER
Genius of the makers of Cobra Kai to open this episode with a straight flashback to the climactic battle of the 2nd movie, then cut to older Chozen bowing to a fearful uncertain Daniel. Honestly, I've never experienced a TV episode opener that made my pulse go and my emotions take off like this did.
I loved the fact they made the little girl Daniel saved in 2nd movie a part here too, so touching.
Cobra Kai: The Right Path (2021)
A sequel to KARATE KID II movie we needed
OMG this episode brought tears to my eyes. The reunion with Kumiko & the flashbacks to the 2nd movie. Wonderfully done, and well edited. This is the proper sequel to the 2nd movie, not the rubbish 3rd movie we actually got.
I giorni dell'ira (1967)
The weapon that's going to kill me hasn't been invented yet.
"He was a born a wolf". What a fantastic Lee Van Cleef western, one of the best. From the ludicrously over-the-top opening credits, to the hard-as-nails tough guy dialogue ("The weapon that's going to kill me hasn't been invented yet"). Certainly it feels a little like a theatre play, with the early opening scenes of the sleepy town, and the creeping tension when Talby arrives. Frank Talby is such an Alpha male, he doesn't understand why Scott is worried about people laughing at his name ("Scott Mary"). He says "So what?" - love his character's confidence & toughness. Less of a caricature which took hold with films like Sabata. He's vulnerable too, as we see in the horses dragging him torture scene. I also like Van Cleef's outfit in this film, and his hat. Scott Mary is a very sympathetic protagonist, well acted too. The cinematography and directing is beautiful, some of the camera angles make you feel you're inside the town, observing the events yourself. Good to see Leone homages too, like revisitng the town from For a Few Dollars More (here it's renamed "Bowie") as well as the one armed assassin who tried to kill Tuco in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, playing a particularly nasty ex-colleague of Talby here. It really is like a theatre play with the interval around the point that Talby says "it's too late" for Scott Mary to be a nice guy again, just before the hitman arrives in town (a good point to pause the film). The 2nd half of the movie reminds me oddly of gangster films like Scarface, with Talby taking over the town and the saloon, but too much power/greed corrupts. There's also odd echoes of Star Wars (which came later of course) with Scott akin to Luke and Kirby very much like Obi Wan. For the hardcore fans of this film, I also list Talby's 9 lessons to Scott below. 1 never beg another man, 2 never trust anyone, 3 never get between a gun and its target, 4 punches are like bullets - if you don't make the first one count you might be finished, 5 you wound a man, you got to kill him. Or sooner or later he's gonna kill you, 6 right bullet at the right time, 7 if you untie a man take his gun first, 8 don't give a man any more bullets than what he's got use for, 9 there are times where you have to accept the challenge or lose everything in life anyway. This is one of those times.
Company Business (1991)
Hackman and spy movie fans will enjoy
Rewatching this in 2020 (last viewing was probably mid-90s!) I must say I enjoyed this mild mannered "spy games" light comic thriller. Showing its age now with references to Princess Diana and protagonists smoking on an aeroplane. Has shades of better movies like MIDNIGHT RUN and 48 HOURS but with its own unique charm. I like the twisty turny espionage plot (like an early dry run of Jason Bourne films) and the Michael Kamen score sounds very DIE HARD esque, which adds to some of the more tense scenes (especially the spy trade gone wrong scene about halfway through the film). Lots of good strong supporting actors chewing scenery, and I'll watch Hackman in anything! Some of the dialogue makes me laugh too ("He's so rich he could ski uphill"), and I thought the cinematography was good on my modern 60 inch television. It also serves as a great travelogue of Berlin and Paris. Loses a few points for a totally abrupt ending, almost like they ran out of budget! I would have loved another 10-15 minutes to see how the characters ended up, and if they made it to the Seychelles.
Blue Iguana (2018)
Avoid at all costs even as a Rockwell fan
I'm a huge Sam Rockwell fan but this is a disaster. Didn't care about the plot or the characters whatsoever. Weirdly edited and uneven tone throughout. Watch "Better Living Through Chemistry" instead (another quirky Rockwell/Schwartz movie) far better use of your time. This is awful.
Color of Night (1994)
Plays like a comedy Hitchcock meets Moonlighting
Honestly this movie feels like an extension of Willis' long running tv show MOONLIGHTING minus Cybil Shepherd. The music, Hitchcock style mystery and even some subtle humour made me feel like I was watching a special episode of the tv show. In particular one scene where Willis jumps off a rooftop and raises a wry eyebrow to a stationary cow sculpture really was like something his character David Addison might've done on Moonlighting. The music score also adds to the comedy factor of this film. I'm not sure how it played to audiences back in the early 90s when it was originally released but I thoroughly enjoyed it here in 2018. Take it very tongue in cheek, embrace the silliness and ludicrous plot and I think you'll have a great time. They don't make movies like this anymore. Bravo Bruce !
Brooklyn's Finest (2009)
It's like a sequel to "New Jack City" & "Internal Affairs".
Honestly, this movie deserves better praise. I just finished watching it, didn't even realise it was directed by same guy as "Equaliser" & "Training Day" till the credits rolled. I loved every second of it - a REALLY dark, heavy & nasty New York cops movie, just what I enjoy, with multi-threaded plotlines randomly intersecting & cross-cutting eachother. It also felt VERY MUCH like it could've been a sequel to the movies "New Jack City" (Wesley Snipes' infamous character Nino Brown from that movie released from jail), as well as Richard Gere's 1980 cop thriller classic "Internal Affairs", as if his character in that movie had lived till retirement. Lots of "The Wire" alumni in this flick too, which just heightended it's awesomeness. If you like dark gritty cop thrillers, you will love this.
Cop (1988)
James Wood is stellar - gets better with each viewing!
I love the whole detective genre, especially when they do actual "detecting" throughout the movie. I've also always been a big fan of James Woods - this, alongside "The Hard Way" & "Salvador" are my favourite of his films. In this one, he plays a terrific cynical yet super clever homicide detective. In some ways it's like an early version of "Basic Instinct" minus the over-the-top sleaze & glossy directing, with a more interesting protagonist. I really enjoyed the relationship with his daughter & his interactions with the women he meets during the investigation. It keeps you really interested in the mystery of the case itself (you have to really pay attention to follow the clues alongside the protagonist) but is equally darkly funny in places too (James Woods' expressions during the scene where the feminist recounts her life woes cracks me up everytime). I love his character in this because he has a good heart/soul but goes about catching the bad guy in some pretty crazy ways which anger his superiors. I just watched it for a 2nd time & enjoyed it even more, so I up'd my rating on IMDB. Classic James Woods. Classic detective noir. They honestly don't make them like this anymore. Enjoy.
Mute (2018)
Ignore the critics, make your own mind up
Glad I ignored the critics & naysayers on this one as I thoroughly enjoyed it & actually look forward to watching it again soon. I'm a huge Blade Runner fan, so I really admired the homage this film plays to that classic. Even the multiple characters, with unique arcs & quirks was really enjoyable. It was fun to see Paul Rudd play so against type. The film looks beautiful, has a great futuristic score & ties in well with another excellent Duncan Jones film. In an age where every Hollywood sci fi blockbuster dwells on brainless action & violence, it baffles me why Duncan Jones has been so ripped apart by the critics for trying to make a thinking man's sci-fi movie which immerses the viewer in a gripping, scary & intelligent world & plot. Give it a try. I'll be watching it again very soon I think.
Mr. Right (2015)
Needed a shower after this one
Very strange film. I'm a huge Sam Rockwell fan - and although I always enjoy his cool dancey schtik, I couldn't dig the overall feel / plot of this flick. The attitude towards violence & killing people made me feel uncomfortable. Especially the glee & respect a certain character gets when they make their first kill. Throwing knives and catching knives, not a great idea for kids to see, if a kid happened to catch this movie. And what was Rza from WuTang doing in this movie? His character was pretty lame & could've been played by any generic actor. Why did he take this particular role? For a much better & way funnier Sam Rockwell film, try Welcome to Collinwood or Matchstick amen. For a much better hitman goes dating movie, try Grosse Pointe Blank.
The Longest Yard (2005)
Really odd tone for a Happy Madison flick
Such a weird weird movie this one. I was so surprised it was actually a Happy Madison Production as it's so unlike any other movies by them & Adam Sandler. It took me a while to realise but this movie is actually trying to take itself fairly seriously. And so is Sandler. He's actually attempting to play a straight dramatic role. But then they try to throw in the odd bit of typical Happy Madison Adam Sandler humour but it feels forced & flat. The movie can't decide if it's a stupid comedy or a seriously dramatic sports flick. The worst thing about this movie is that they COMPLETELY waste Hollywood Legend Burt Reynolds. He literally is given nothing to do or say even remotely interesting or comedic. He has zero character & zero chemistry with Sandler. If he was supposed to be a sort of Mr Miyagi inspirational mentor type of character, it missed the mark hugely. Eveytim he's onscreen I hoped Burt would have something interesting or funny to say. But nothing. It's a very weirdly under written role for poor Burt. Courtney Cox is totally wasted too. Thankfully Happy Madison & Adam Sandler went back to their usual slapstick humour / formula after this one which was a big relief for their hardcore fans. Recently I watched "Just Go with It" for the first time & it was excellent, a million times better than this tripe.
Fletch Lives (1989)
Avoid at all cost, even if you liked the original
I absolutely love the original Fletch movie. Chevy is nonstop hilarious in it, and I like the hard boiled detective style.
Fletch Lives sucks.
Chevy seems tired and bored in it.
Also the character feels different. He is less warm and caring towards others. His reactions to some of the bad stuff happening around him is weird. In the first film he wants to do good and help everyone.
Nothing like his fast-talking quick witted character from the first movie. The gags come WAY faster and more frequently in the original. Something happened to Chevy from this movie onwards - he always seemed tired and less quick-fire from this movie onwards.
The original Fletch and Vacation were Chevy at his utter peak!
Airwolf (1984)
Really packs quite an emotional wallop for a TV pilot episode.
Ironic plot line to this pilot considering what's happening in Libya right now!
Must say this opening pilot episode packs quite an emotional wallop and it's actually much more of a character film and romance than helicopter action that the series would become. Stringfellow is a real man's man.
*spoilers*
I think the ease with which Santini and Stringfellow steal Airwolf from the Libyans is a bit silly. When String is playing his cello at the end following his tragic loss I couldn't help but shed a small tear with him, especially when the eagle appears. Really quite emotional for a TV pilot about a super powered helicopter. Did make me wonder though why String spent so long shooting the Libyans when he first got hold of Airwolf. Those few extra minutes might've meant saving his lady's life...
Unforgiven (1992)
Absolutely beautifully shot Western - classic
Possibly my favourite Western of all time. Can't believe it's nearly 20 years old. Beautifully framed and shot by Eastwood. The morality is grey and unclear - who are the 'good' guys and who are the 'bad' guys? Hackman, Freeman, and Eastwood - a true power team. All three are mesmerising on the screen, in particular Hackman. You almost wish there was a prequel movie showing you more of the background for English Bob and Bill Dagget. This is one movie that truly shows you the consequences of violence and how it affects each of the characters. Watching it on an HD TV with digital remastered special edition DVD with surround headphones - wow, just wow. It's like you're in the West with them.
The Other Guys (2010)
Weakest Ferrell yet I'm afraid.
I am a big Will Ferrell fan - I loved Anchorman, Blades of Glory, and to some extent Step Brothers. But this was REALLY poor. Will seemed to only be on 25% thrusters here, and even seemed to play the straight man to Wahlberg most of the film which was odd. Even Steve Coogan (Alan Partridge) is completely wasted. There are 3-4 funny moments (classic Ferrell outbursts) but it is a truly lame duck. By the end I was so bored and couldn't wait for it to finish. It is wrapped in some sort of semi- serious plot about financial crime which is overly-complex and pointless - who cares?! I never understand comedies that try to put in serious plot lines as if the audience will care.
AVOID!
Alien³ (1992)
See the Special Edition - it's great!
Wow - just watched Alien 3 for the first time since I was about 12 years old. Blew me away how much I enjoyed it! After re-watching Fight Club and Se7en recently, I remembered that there was an Alien movie directed by David Fincher and thought holy cow, I gotta re-watch that one. Alien 3 definitely gets way better when you're older. As a kid, I just remember it being dark, gloomy, slow and boring compared to Aliens. It matures with age. I was riveted from beginning to end, and I was surprised how unpredictable and surprising the kills were! Some bits really surprised and shocked me as people were picked off. Ripley looks so hard and cool with the shaved head look too, you don't see female heroes like that anymore, just women like Angelina Jolie in "Salt". It also reminded me of the dark, gritty, gloomy graphic novels I like - it looks like a living breathing graphic novel. I only realised after watching it that I'd seen the Special Edition that restores extra scenes that David Fincher wanted in there - I must recommend the Special Edition, without these scenes ( http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=alien+3+scenes&aq=f ) I can imagine the film would feel shallower and rushed.
**spoiler**
I also liked the idea that the Alien wouldn't touch Ripley because it knew she was breeding the Queen. It is an extremely dark film though especially how we have to sit through an autopsy of Newt within the first 15 minutes! The way the countdown is happening to the arrivial of the Weylon-Utani "rescue team" reminded me of the plot of the recent Sam Rockwell film "Moon".
**end of spoiler**
Wow, all I can say I really enjoyed it a lot, and surprised at the dreadful reviews on IMDb. I think Fincher takes way too much stick for this one. Compared to the Alien movies that followed, this is easily a masterpiece. You're gonna hate me for saying this but I haven't enjoyed Aliens as much when I've seen it recently, I found Alien 3 had more depth to the characters!
Miami Vice: Red Tape (1987)
Tubbs goes nuts - one of my favourites!
This is in my top 10 Miami Vice episodes. Don't read anything about it before you watch it as it has some major surprises in it.
I'm surprised nobody has turned this into a big budget thriller - the plot is so clever and exciting.
If I was going to show an episode of MV to a newbie, this might be the one I pick - it has the Miami flavour throughout, and a tough exciting storyline.
Look out for a young Viggo Mortensen (pre-Lord of the Rings) at the opening scene.
Tubbs-centric episode - one of the best. Lots of red sky and sunny shots of Miami.