arcwulf Reviews

A Christmas Carol (1977 TV Movie)

My favorite version of an oft-told story!

[8/10 · 25 December 2021]

Let's get this out of the way: This television version of Charles Dickens's classic story is not the best acted nor the best produced, and it's special effects are (quite frankly) laughable even by the standards of the time. It's gifted actors seem like they're rushed to deliver all of their lines in the course of a commercial television production (because they are). None of that is what makes this such an outstanding version of the teleplay.

The secret sauce here is that this is filmed in 1970s BBC studios, and that means you get the wonderful effect of the PAL video technology at the time, with its overblown highlights, deep blacks, and high refresh rate. These qualities inherent in the technology of the time make this (in my mind) the spookiest version of this story ever put to screen. The ghosts are just more ghostly, and matte-background London looks much more gritty than any other version. The atmosphere is palpable and feels oppressive, and that is what you want in what is arguably the most famous ghost story ever told.

Dementia 13 (1963)

Mystery, murder, and mayhem with a touch of the supernatural!

[8/10 · 30 October 2016]

This film is famous for being the directorial debut of Francis Ford Coppola, but it's more than that. No, really!

The film starts when a greedy widow covers up her husband's death in order to get his share of his rich mother's inheritance. During the course of her scheme she visits her husband's relatives in the family's castle. There she learns of their dark past, and finds more than she bargains for!

It sounds like a mystery, and, well, it is... but it's also a proto- slasher horror film, with gore that won't impress today's fans, but the gore isn't the point: The film owes much of its terror from its setting, its imagery, and surreal circumstances that have a tint of something otherworldly. From the sinister castle, with dark hallways, to the dead autumn plant life, daylight scenes that look like sunsets, and night scenes that are competently dark (a rarity at that time), the creepy music and some of the downright ghoulish scenes later on in the film, and you have a movie that looks scary without any unnecessary fog or smoke. The eerie music, crackling sound and even the contrasting tone on the grain of the film make it seem even more supernatural and horrifying at times.

As a low-budget black and white film from this era, there are mistakes, to be sure (and a few are quite painfully obvious). But the expert camera work, scene layouts, creepy sets, more than make up for it.

Now, I'm going to make some complaints, and they might sound harsh, but really, but really they're just minor nitpicks in what is a truly enjoyable film. First, you're going to see the murderer's identity from a million miles away. If it's not obvious to you in the first half hour, I would be surprised. Second, for a film that purports to take place in Ireland, there is a distinct dearth of Irish accents (and the ones that are there are not believable). Third, there are some technical flaws in the film, but outside of one painfully obvious errant boom mic they can be overlooked for the most part. Some of the actors are terrific (of particular note is Luana Anders as Louise, and Patrick Magee doing his usual sinister shtick as Dr. Caleb), but some of them are well... terrible (Mary Mitchell takes the role of the whiny, shrieking Kane, who is this film's innocent lamb, but still very unlikable). In some films these flaws would undo everything, but in this film they're just 'flavor.'

In conclusion, if you like movies that can terrify you with what you don't see, as well as what you do, be sure to watch it!

Death to Smoochy (2002)

Not just great, NERD-CALIBER great!

[10/10 · 30 October 2009]

Don't get me wrong, I can see how the unimaginative dregs that hate this movie are coming from. It's very off-beat; more of a funny noir film than a black comedy. The audience is meant to identify with Sheldon Mopes (Ed Norton) as an outsider who discovers that children's television programming is more of a criminal enterprise akin to a 1930's era Mafia than what "Sesame Street" would have you believe.

There are levels of complexity in the characters that most people who consider the likes of "Scary Movie" to be classic comedy will likely miss. It's easy to hate Mopes at first: He is, after all, representative of the epitome of all hated kid TV mascots, Barney the Purple Dinosaur. He is more than he appears, however. Sheldon Mopes has a violent anger within him that finally threatens to erupt by the end of the film. Despite that, he's a genuinely good guy who is pushed to the brink by an industry insane with corruption. Robin William's Rainbow Randolph is a man miserable with his own corruption who shifts the blame for his position to Mopes simply because Smoochy inadvertently benefits from his downfall. Randolph's insanity eventually leads to a sort of impish super-villainy until he is ready to accept the blame himself. Catherine Keener plays the evil bitch beautifully again, until Mopes helps her to remember why she got into the business of children's entertainment in the first place (she seems a little delusional too; when she mentions that Harvey Firestein's character Marv Green grabbed her ass at a benefit dinner I had to say, "yeah, right." Sure, Firestein's character isn't explicitly gay in the film but c'mon, it's Harvey freakin' Firestein). Danny DeVito is his usual charming self as the astoundingly belligerent Burke Bennet, a conniving rat who conspires to have his own client bumped off.

While the production is amazing, and it is certainly so, it pales when compared to the amount of acting and comedy talent in this film. Though I will admit that John Stewart is wasted here as a witless straight man, there are nuances to the comedy that are hard to pick up on a single viewing. My favorite example is when Rainbow Randolph dupes Mopes into playing a Nazi rally to discredit him: Williams shifts between no less than three accents including Scottish, Australian, and Irish. The fact that the characters (and many of the viewers who watch the film) don't pick up on this is to me one of the little joys (of many) of the film (another is Rainbow's theme song which is filled with sexual innuendo). Oh yeah, and Vincent Schiavelli is awesome as the extremely creepy Buggy Ding Dong, but then again he's always awesome.

My one gripe (and it is a minor one) is the ice show at the end credits. It just seems a little forced.

This is one of the most complete films I've seen in the last ten years, and is one of those rare comedies that I can bring myself to watch it again and again (like MP and the HG, Clerks, and other nerd-fests). If you "get" the humor you'll find a favorite for life. If you don't, well, go watch the newest Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant rom-com train wreck.

Transformers: Cybertron (2005)

I guess that I'm not a fan anymore.

[1 October 2005]

I watched the original G1 series as a child, and even then it was a little too dumbed down for me.

I (like many others) ground my teeth when they released "Transformers Generation 2" which was just the original show packed with some CG transitions.

I slogged through the first boring season of Beast Wars - but then something happened: The show got good. It got so good, that it became one of my favorite television series of all time. The characters developed, the story moved ahead, and then it ended (though I think they ended it sooner than they would have liked; some things were resolved too quickly).

Despite the horrible character designs Beast Machines was even a larger step forward in terms of story, and the series ended in a way I never would have foreseen.

Then the animes started.

This is where everything Transformers started to come apart for me: The lack of animation, the re-use of the same five minute transformation sequences twelve times an episode (I'm exaggerating, but it sure feels like it), the horrible, trite and contrived Japanese-to-English localization, the introduction of anime child geniuses who you want to fall into a black hole just for opening their mouths...

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. "Cybertron" looked more interesting than previous endeavors because it had computer-modeled Transformers, but FOR PETE'S SAKE WAKE UP PEOPLE - THEY'RE BARELY ANIMATED! It's not difficult to do once the models are made, but apparently the production company doesn't have a single computer animator on staff because the Transformers' stiff, completely weightless movements give less of an impression of living machines and more of the impression of talentless animators. This may be intentional because the models don't seem to move any differently than the toys, but better Transformers shows have always compensated (do you think the "Ironhide" toy from G1 looked anything like his cartoon counterpart?).

I'm sorry, but this show is just anime cliché with some impressive-but-boring computer models and another "we gotta collect 'em all" story line.

They should just call this show "Generic Anime Cartoon-like Show Number 5: Now With Transformers!" and let it stand.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

This movie hasn't got a prayer.

[1/10 · 30 September 2005]

It is amazing how "The Crow" franchise manages to slide in quality from one film to the next. The first one was really good, the second was so-so, the third was terrible, and this one... this one...

The movie starts out with promise. Four criminals who have named themselves after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are seeking to revenge themselves on a small mining town for past injustices. They vent some of their rage on a former associate and his soon-to-be fiancé. This interesting plot device works for the first five minutes of the film. Then the "acting" begins.

I have nothing against Edward Furlong, really. And to be fair he does a pretty good job for someone who has no business playing an action hero. The other actors leave a lot to be desired. It becomes painfully obvious as the film progresses that the production crew only hired David Boreanaz and Tara Reid because they were the biggest names their shoestring budget could afford, in an attempt to lend credence to a VERY substandard production (I don't care what their excuses are, if Robert Rodriguez could film "El Mariachi" for under $10,000 there's no reason this film couldn't have been better). There is NO chemistry between Boreanaz and Reid at all. None. Zip. Nada. It is sickening to watch them interact. Reid's character is to this film what a rose stem would to one if it were lodged in one's favorite pair of walking shoes - pretty and irritating to the point of being painful. Throughout this entire film one keeps expecting her character to develop, but is instead treated to whiny and forced compassion for her boyfriend's victims one minute, unnecessary stabbings and eye-gouging the next.

Things I learned from watching "The Crow: Wicked Prayer": 1.) Satan speaks in "Hipster" 2.) Native Americans can be readily replaced by Latino actors. 3.) Southwestern Native American traditions include totem poles for some reason. 4.) Native American dance includes jumping up and down and mumbling. 5.) A movie doesn't have to have a cohesive plot, interesting characters, story development, a research team, or anyone that knows anything about anything so long as it has a budget to attach some sort of star power to it.

If this had been filmed by college students for one semester of course credit using fresh-faced actors, it would be somewhat enjoyable. Alas, it was not.

Return of the Rebels (1981 TV Movie)

Spectacularly boring.

[2/10 · 27 September 2005]

I watched this "movie" on one of the local channels the other night. I wish that I hadn't.

A gang of rowdy teens upsets campground owner Barbara Eden, so she reunites her old (and aging) motorcycle gang to help her drive them off. What follows is the dullest, most witless, most depressing two hours of television ever filmed. The show relies more on its (mild) 70's star power than any sort of coherent plot or snappy writing. Jamie Farr's one-liners are painfully unfunny, "the Rebels" are decidedly non-threatening, and all the teens need is to be smacked up a little.

Despite the constant promise of a fight, there is next to no violence (on camera - there are some mentioned off-camera), save for the show's single punch thrown during the last five minutes, and is so badly choreographed you'll easily forget the movie's single plot twist (the meanie teen Patrick Swayze has the hots for Eden and not her teenage daughter as she was led to believe).

If you want to watch a good 70's/early 80's-style brainless movie, look elsewhere.