thebarnacle Reviews

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Don't listen to the critics

[2 July 2003]

Ok, I expected a horrible disaster of a movie. You're making a sequel where you kill off one of the main characters and use a different actor for another: crazy, right? Boy was I wrong. The car chase scene in this movie is breathtaking. I was completely stunned by the action in this film. And the cool thing is, it's all action! Great summer movie.

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

Spectacularly Unoriginal

[19 December 2002]

What a rip-off. A plot hashed together with a few broken pieces from the tv and movie series, a few moments from other films, and some duck-tape. Warning pathetic spoilers ahead. Data having another twin, Data's head being found on the desert floor, a dune buggy chase, Data doing a mind melt...oops I mean data transfer with his clone and then dying. All of this has been done before, and it was done better the first time. This is one movie I will forget. I'm sad that it will be Patrick Stewart's last. The worst part of this film was Shinzon's death scene. Reminiscent of when Aragorn impales the orc in Fellowship of the Rings and the orc grabs the sword and thrusts it deeper into it's chest to get closer to Aragorn, Picard impales Shinzon on a metal pole and Shinzon slowly pulls himself up on the pole, I was hoping he would say "Oops, wrong way." But he just uttered some nonsensical, corny line and died...much like the STNG movie franchise. Oh I will say one original aspect of the movie was having a chubby robot, but I don't think Brent Spiner did this on purpose.

The Tuxedo (2002)

The most mediocre movie I've ever seen

[28 September 2002]

What does it say about a movie when the outtakes aren't even funny? Poor Jackie Chan goes through this movie trapped in a cliched action comedy where the plot is so pathetically stupid, you're not sure whether to root for the bad guy or whimper when you hear his idiotic plans. Hats remain on to the editors of this film for putting together a hackneyed piece of slop. Complete with action sequences where there's not very much action and comedy where there is nary a laugh. The cool thing about this movie is it doesn't leave you with a bad aftertaste in your mouth...problem is it doesn't even leave an aftertaste.

Haunted (2002)

You thought the Sixth Sense was freaky?

[25 September 2002]

I'm impressed with the richness of the show "Haunted". It's creepy, tenebrous, and dramatic. The season premiere was good enough to hold my attention all the way through, and that is something not easily done with dark drama. The subject matter is so dark in fact, that I don't see this show drawing a sizeable crowd. Just what sort of demographic are they going for here? Personally, I'm not sure if I can take this every week.

The Time Machine (2002)

The Time Machine is about 15 years too late

[6/10 · 5 March 2002]

If you want to enjoy this movie, and I mean really enjoy it, well, then I guess it's possible. You'll need to do a complete shutdown of any sort of logical process going on in your brain. You need to smile knowingly at the many "witty" one-liners. And finally, you need to embrace the random blue villain as an actual evil presence. The problem with this movie is that it doesn't know what it wants to be. Should we go for scifi, perhaps a little romance? Naw, lets just make an adventure. In this respect, the movie is a complete failure, because there are movies that do it a lot better (Back To The Future comes to mind presently). If graphics and mindless entertainment are your aim, then perhaps this movie is for you.

At the advanced screening I went to, people were cheering and clapping in the end. I wanted to hit them.

(******Major Spoilers Contained******) Logically of course, there is the Jeremy Irons pointless villain. There is the fact that people are speaking perfect English 800,000 years into the future. The stupid rubber monsters who live in caves and can come out into the light with no problem (I really like Iron's explanation as to why they live below ground...oh yeah, there is no explanation). Glass that supports the hologram incurs 800,000 years of damage in the form of a crack on one of the plates. People living on the sides of cliffs for protection when it provides no protection. Ok you get the point. Just don't think.

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

When did MTV start making twilight zone episodes?

[25 January 2002]

The obnoxious tracking and pan shots. The mysterious bleed of light and overexposed film punctuating scenes throughout the movie. Yep, you guessed right, it's a music video. The sad thing is, The Mothman Prophecy wants to be so much more. Why would I assume that? Well lets just call it a "Sixth Sense". I could make all the comparisons to other more successful films, but that would just build this movie up as a complete failure, and it's not. Mundane and mediocre come to mind. Rent it.

The House of Mirth (2000)

Why bother trying to translate this book into a movie?

[25 January 2002]

The costumes and set design, along with most of the performances, are superb in Mirth, but this novel could never be made into a movie. The series of internal epiphanies Lily has can only be felt through the reading of her thoughts. With a movie there is this 2 hour period where images flash up in front you. With a book, it's hours upon hours of building up a character, and watching them transform(in this case Lily transforms into a humble butterfly of sorts). I did not get the satisfaction nor the understanding that came with reading the book. It's a good movie, but Lily Bart is merely a shadow of what she becomes on paper.