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Star Wars: The Bad Batch: The Cavalry Has Arrived (2024)
What does Star Wars even do anymore?
Dave Filioni was on such a role. The Clone Wars et al really scratched an itch. To the extent all of us were out here scratching Filioni's career was upwardly mobile. He got to do Mando and Ahsoka live action stuff; in exchange for becoming Kathleen Kennedy's apprentice. "Good. Goooooood," she said.
Bad Batch is consistent with Darth Filioni's new religion: nonsensical, zero big picture payoffs, a plot that disappears like Yoda in a Degobah swamp.
Like I get Necromancer is the precursor to the worst idea KK ever had (Palpy was alive the whole time!) but we never see proto-Snokes or Vader doesn't show up to protect the program or Natural Born Palpy doesn't get force shivers as he enslaves the galaxy from afar.
I get Omega went off to be a pilot in the rebellion but we go from childhood to leaving the nest in six minutes of screen time? Like zero big picture stuff on the Empire vs. Rebellion here. Nothing cool no glimpses of our favorites. What did I even watch just now?
It appears Star Wars's primary utility these days is producing pointless laser battles (PLB). Like a billion dollar corporation has vertically integrated the production of PLBs. Laser swords, laser guns, laser cannons, and opposing forces; they can think it up, manufacture, and distribute. There may be a bottomless cache of plot, character, and lore at its disposal, but effectively deploying it would require KK and the other suits to STFU and let the pros handle things. The PLBs will continue until moral improves, as long as KK runs the show.
Ahsoka (2023)
I Have Seen a Security Hologram of Filoni
What can be said about an artist whose work is finally ruined by a suit? Or, not being privy to the pie chart of responsibility for Ahsoka, an artist who became a suit themselves, and self immolated in the name of their new master. Whatever is said would be the story of Dave Filoni.
As the famous communications philosopher once said: the medium is the message. So perhaps Feloni's sparkling record was only possible through the magic of animation. But some things are native to the broader trade of storytelling dude. I mean anyone who's ever read a novel understands at least a few things dude. Ahsoka violates the most rudimentary of tenets.
Like if a character is absolutely shredding the aims of the gang, and I mean repeatedly obliterating hope, are the characters ever going to discuss this? If two characters's arc are dependent on their mutual relationship, and deep into the season they share a scene, are those two characters ever going to discuss the friction will they ever evolve? If Ashoka the show was Ashoka the novel it would read thusly: "They went here! They did this! They did that! This totally happened just now!!" There is nothing going on in this show other than the incessant hoeing of the road.
Like a famous Sith Lord possessed and persuaded his pupil to deceive and destroy themselves, so too did Kathleen Kennedy to our friend Filoni. Both dark masters were enslaved by an idea. Palpatine's was unlimited power; Kathleen's is Palpatine himself ... but also unlimited power. The reason Ahsoka is nothing more than hollow logistic screed, is because its primary directive is backfilling the atrocious plot idea that ruined IX and sealed the sequel trilogy's fate as a world-class blunder: with neither hint nor foreshadow nor clue, Palpy was cloned and alive the whole time dude that's the friggin twist man!! Kathleen has convinced Filoni to turn his back on his arduous but righteous path to serve her dark retcon purposes. That's all this is. Dumping more resources into the worst sunk cost in the history of the franchise.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Ersatz Slop
When JJ Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy stayed awake for days huffing piles of Schedule 1 substance and storyboarding this nonsense, were they wearing adult diapers? Perhaps they could've used proper bathroom breaks, sleep, and hydration. Because 9 is nothing more than the rantings of an insane person.
"Star Wars always had bad Palpy, but what about dad Palpy?! Remember deformed Palpy? Now we got reformed Palpy! Where we once had planet-killing space stations, now we got space station-birthing planets!!"
It wasn't Adam Driver's inability to perform like he's not having the most dramatic bowel movement in the galaxy; Lando's cameo along with the claim that "me and Luke were doing BTS adventures and stuff"; the suits messing with our Chewy emotions; the Force suddenly able to heal organic tissue; a droid that won't help (???); some random MacGyver-MacGuffin compass knife thing; a Death Star wreckage throne room scene 4 Tha Boomers; some massive Sith audience materialized from an unexplained, unknown, unbelievable populous; and many more.
No it wasn't all that. The worst part of this mangled farce has been the full blown commitment to the bit: reforming Palpy sans hint wasn't just a halfcocked idea two crazy suits jammed into a barely made movie; reforming Palpy is now the fulcrum upon which all future Star Wars products are balanced. Seemingly in retaliation, the defining characteristic of all things to come is the thing everyone hates. The animated series, Mando, Ahsoka, spend most of their time trying to retcon the plight of reforming Palpy. We won't just be sickened by the memory of 9. All these years later and into the foreseeable future this rancid idea appears to be the only thing they're willing to come up with.
The Mandalorian: Chapter 24: The Return (2023)
Please Hold for Ms. Kennedy President of Lucasfilm
Yeah hi Star Wars enthusiast? Kathy Kennedy here calling to say thanks for always eating the Trash I feed you. See I'm old school Hollywood and we know brand transcends quality of product. We have no moral qualms about exploiting this fact in lieu of making cool things. We just need one timeless creation to inspire the masses and from that spark we simply slap the brand on any old pile of the Trash and you happily eat it. It's the current business model here at Lucasfilm. Sure our creatives are talented and we could make better products, but our culture is mostly about shortcuts. We believe there are so many right ways to do the wrong thing. And this approach pays baby. You personally but not individually have made me filthy rich and literally awash in prestige. And I owe it all to my hard core cynicism and the mailability of you and your ilk. So thank you Star Wars enthusiast. You truly are the light and the magic.
Perry Mason (2020)
Has My Full Attention
RDJ's production company made this. To the extent it set a standard of excellence and taste: bravo homs. This is the show that belongs on the Sunday streamers. Alas something this well done will always be niche. At least we can be pleased for the HBO support.
Killer LA noir vibes. An ode to beautiful magnificent California and the LA area before the swarm descended. RoPo himself should be tipping his Euro cap from whatever shore to which he's currently banished.
Everything in this show is done well. The casting, performances, sound, look, mystery, writing all A+. But the full vibe comes from the master cinny work and the tortured Perry Mason character. The color pallet and light express the salted air and wet sand (the best climate on earth let's be honest). Mathew Rhys is a talented dude from Wales as the defiant self-destructive foul-mouthed Mason.
The Mandalorian: Chapter 22: Guns for Hire (2023)
This is a Bob Iger Problem Now
We know Mando s1 and s2 score the highest Disney Plus streaming points. And we know Mando s3 scores are down compared to previous seasons. And after Mando s3e6 we know for sure Lucasfilm has no clue what it's doing w this story. The viewer always gets to know the who; discovering the how is the point of the endeavor; 6/8ths of the way home here we all are but the where, what, and why are nowhere to be found.
Episode 6 typifies the kind of spastic incongruent plot and character development strafes that leave today's Star Wars viewer fatigued. Even if you let go of the nonsensical story happenings, tolerating the characters's unexpected behavior requires work. Even if you somehow accept all our characters have random to nonexistent motivations, trying to stay in the flow of this splattered story pastiche is unnatural.
In addition to executive producer, Jon Favreau gets nearly all the writing credit for s3. Dave Feloni gets an EP credit in s3. As per mostly (but not always) Kathleen Kennedy gives herself an EP credit. Kathleen runs the studio. Unclear what the pie chart of responsibility looks like for s3 but these three are currently birthing trash into the world.
When Favreau was inspired and Kathleen's name is on the project, Mando was acceptable. When Feloni has control and Kathleen's name isn't on the project, the results are dope. Mando was never dope but it was at least intelligible. Mando s3 is just some high dollar discombobulated idea heap.
Iger cares about Mando bc he cares about D+. The streamer is what makes him strut around w his feet flopping forward and his thumbs tucked into his belt. And Iger has his precious corporate swashbuckler reputation to protect. If Lucasfilm starts to disappoint on the streamer, our only hope is Iger sees a through line to Kathleen's office and takes action.
The bewilderments that were movies 7-9 have yet to cost Kathleen her creative authority. This should've been revoked after the all-time most embarrassing Lucasfilm blunder that was Obi-Wan. Maybe it will be gone if she destroys Mando. It is concerning that her box office and streaming numbers aren't bad enough; that she'll be allowed to continue to ride the power of the brand instead of grow it w fantastic creations; and that the next muse for her symphony of destruction is Ashoka.
The Mandalorian: Chapter 19: The Convert (2023)
Kathleen Kennedy Must Be Stopped
To the point of being cliche, probably everyone agrees Star Wars movies 7-9 were just silly trash. Push the Obi Wan debacle on this pile too: hard to even conjure the thought of an easier W that somehow became an L but the Lucasfilm suits made it happen.
This is a sad streak of failures overseen by Kathleen Kennedy. She and her team don't understand culture and they can't decide what they want. It's bad management of capital projects and they are straight up harming the brand.
TBF, interspersed in this barrage of L's are Mandalorian, Bad Batch, and Andor. Mando is okay I mean it's fun, it's campy, it's decent Star Wars tribute. At its minimum it's not an insult; at its maximum it's just another Kathleen project. Bad Batch and Andor are beyond reproach; they are Dave Filoni and John Gilroy; they are what the franchise unfettered by suits should be. And somewhere in the dark recesses of a marketing and management meeting the suits agreed. It appears they are using these successes to double down on their masterpiece of lore stupidity: Palpatine was alive the whole time bro he was cloned bro that's why we made those dumb movies bro!!!
In Mando, here we are again backfilling a cloning conspiracy to the New Republic. Seen it in previous seasons and in s3e3 we are all in. In Bad Batch s2, we are backfilling a cloning conspiracy all the way back to the time of the Empire. In Andor, Gilroy hit on a mood and a feeling and a pace. It's electric. Like the suits had Obi Wan steal from Rebels, so too did they have Mando steal from Andor. Mando s3e3 is nothing more than Gilroy theft.
Not only won't the suits let go of the asinine Palpatine vector, but they are willing to contaminate their best properties with this foolish notion. And they're shameless enough to steal from their best creative tacticians to deploy it.
Like, please end this. Please revoke this woman's power. Her and her yes-people appear determined to embarrass all of us with this ridiculous cloning plot for years to come.
The Last of Us (2023)
Chat GPT Took Over Writers' Room
These fools paddled out past the breakers but couldn't solve for returning ashore. Like midseason they ran out money or inspiration and their plan became furiously querying Chat GPT. Hysterical during "after the episode" vignettes when the filmmakers pontificate the tenets of good storytelling and the power of their deterministic seminal moments. Yet they just presented to the world an abject pile of corner-cutting horse manure. (Exactly like when the DDs ran out of GOT source material, proceeded to have a movement on the souls of millions, then spent the weekly epilogue justifying their coked out decisions.) Yes thank you, heroes. Your revolting Hollywood sales veneer is authoritative (how else could you have sold this to the suits) but it belies the fact that a barely trained generative pre-trained transformer AI language model could've conceived and written what you just cobbled together and called prestige television. Go do a sitcom deal w Netflix perhaps it's already time to sit the next few out.
Star Wars: Tales of the Jedi (2022)
Feloni gonna ever fall off?
Apparently no. There's been a lot of speculation on the Star Wars trash that gets made, the franchise patrons that are constantly betrayed. Like is Kathleen Kennedy for real? Does that vacuous suit actually get paid? At least we have Dave Feloni, such a welcome counterweight to the trite bosses at Lucasfilm who appear to do nothing other than blow mad lines, deuce in their pants, and ruin things. This collection of cool vignettes keeps the dream alive. There are several brilliant micro arcs and much appreciated appearances by bit and principal characters. The haunting tone and tinge of visual darkness are also consistent w more recent Feloni animations. Thus what follows is a plea to the CEO of Disney Corporation: for the sake of the SWU please marginalize Kathleen Kennedy as studio head. Replace her with Dave feloni. Hire a bunch of lackey MBAs to pantingly do all the admin and pretend business work. Give Feloni creative supervision over everything that ships. The king is dead long live the king.
Andor (2022)
Shocked it's not another whiff
Omg I think these clowns finally did something right. Andor is the franchise at its finest. This is what those ridiculous movies and Obi-Wan could have been. Andor is gritty but loyal, a bunch of talented clear thinkers made this. The franchise has been a gnarly underwear streak of late. (Dave Filoni is fully excused tho why can't he just run the studio?) Cut to Lucas people frantically dialing Tony Gilroy people who had to pop on over to Kathleen Kennedy's office, pull her face out of a monster pile of yay, and be the slump buster. And yet she still managed to barnacle her name onto Gilroy's in the credits 🤔 I understand a family of four won't always be drawn to a darker realist vision of a galaxy far far away, and that some properties must be more accessible. But no one deserves the piles of excrement that have been accumulating in the shorts of Lucasfilm of late. Andor is evidence that high quality projects can and should be made. (This is not a sexist tirade against female studio head Kathleen. Though the industry is mostly run by talentless male perverts with trust funds, there are plenty of female suits and creatives currently making awesome things. But Kathleen is throwback sleaze. She sits atop her fiefdom making or breaking projects and careers, all the while a rot made of her own ego and marginal talent infests the brand. She mostly can't do anything right but gets to keep her status anyway.)
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
A Violation
What gaggle of coked-out too-rich LA producers made this trash? Which of Lucas's famous big bosses procured the means for this shabby vision? The subject matter for your show was the relationship between Obi-Wan Kanobi and Darth Vader. Rarely has a hollow suit been gifted such raw material. And you blithely evacuate into a pair of off-white skivvies then walk around in it all day. Like hire a script doctor this whole thing is riddled with basic errors. Test if the editors can clap in time to determine if they comprehend/feel flow. And you straight up stole from Rebels "Twilight of the Apprentice" an iconic moment in the franchise and one so beyond your realm of ability. Do better Kathleen Kennedy: you birth trash into the world.
Edge of the Earth (2022)
Narcissitic Trash
Bro there is more to life than watching Caucasian rich kids desperately justify their privileged existence. Maybe your visits to faraway lands could be about something other than getting free sunnies back home. No doubt these fortunate sons and daughters think they are of an open mind, but in practice they're just a bunch of gross carpetbaggers. Like we get it dude your parents bought you passport stamps and the most expensive gear available since before you went to prep school. And now you take those skills to distant shores to harvest cultural yield. Where you no doubt take more than you leave behind (unless you count the trash and jet fuel fumes).
Prey (2022)
Worthy Addition
Sick action thrills bro. Throttle is wide open from the start. Franchise has been hit and miss but this was great: scenics, tension, anachronistic language, and a compelling arc for the female lead. Really appreciate the unique approach to setting sci fi 300 years ago and skill with which it was applied.