keatonpatterson Reviews

Vampyres (1974)

a singular vampire film

[7/10 · 29 January 2022]

A singular vampire film featuring two of the most memorable bloodsuckers in cinematic horror history.

Of course, lesbian vampires are nothing new-Sheridan Le Fanu introduced the world to Carmilla in 1872, well before Dracula-but the subgenre arguably reaches its zenith in this unforgettable 70s classic filled to the brim with graphic gore and sex.

Fran and Miriam pick up men in rural England and take them back to their dilapidated estate in true gothic fashion, where they seduce and eat them in short order. Obvious embodiments of the horror society felt at liberated female sexuality during the era, these two undead lovers are as ferocious as they are insatiable. There is an unbridled fury in both their lust and bloodlust that haunts the screen throughout the entire runtime.

VAMPYRES is low key, subtle and slow burning horror. From the claustrophobic atmosphere to the bloodsoaked finale, it is a classic that must be seen by anyone intrigued by the creatures of the night.

Christmas Evil (1980)

the Taxi Driver of killer Santa movies

[8/10 · 18 December 2021]

The absolute best killer Santa movie ever made. The combination of gritty NYC realism and Harry's decent into unhinged psychosis are reminiscent of Taxi Driver. Brandon Maggart--Fiona Apple's real life dad--gives a bravura performance full of both camp and deep pathos. You believe he believes he's Santa for every second of the film. And the wtf ending, complete with torch-bearing mob, is the only way this masterpiece could end. Whether it's called Christmas Evil or You Better Watch Out...this is a very special movie.

Frankenhooker (1990)

Henenlotter's Hooker Hokum

[7/10 · 15 September 2021]

The last of Frank Henenlotter's NYC trilogy (along with Basket Case and Brain Damage) is essential straight-to-video fare. Patty Mullen is hilarious in the title role. And while it doesn't make any logical sense, there's a sly feminist social commentary if you care to dig it out. Tack on the incredibly absurd and memorable twist ending, and Frankenhooker has all the ingredients of a midnight cult classic. Plus who doesn't love a good Frankenstein spoof?

Class of 1984 (1982)

We Are Your Fear of the Future...

[7/10 · 1 September 2021]

One of the great exploitation films of all time built equally off mainstream society's inherent mistrust of youth culture and a complete misunderstanding of the causes of criminality. To Sir, With Love meet Death Wish. Memorable performances by Roddy McDowell and a young Michael J. Fox add to the cult cache of this intentionally shocking, explicit and problematic classic.

Jakob's Wife (2021)

All Hail Barbara Crampton

[7/10 · 30 August 2021]

Great cinematography. Gratuitous gore. And a brilliant, dynamic and emotive performance from legendary scream queen Barbara Crampton in the titular role of this feminist take on the classic vampire story. A seamless blend of camp and social commentary, culminating in a bloody satisfying ending.

Face/Off (1997)

I'm Ready for the Big Ride, Baby!

[8/10 · 23 August 2021]

Combining an incredibly unrealistic idea of what plastic surgery can accomplish, a cartoonish naiveté about the operations of global terrorism, and Woo's trademark balletic gunplay that makes absolutely no tactical sense, FACE/OFF is one of the quintessential thrill rides of the 90s. With Nic Cage playing John Travolta playing Nic Cage and vice versa...how could you go wrong? Pure action-packed fun.

Messiah of Evil (1974)

This Isn't a Tourist Town...

[6/10 · 23 August 2021]

One of the oddest films I've ever seen. Hallucinatory, at times surreal apocalyptic tale of cannibalism and a dread prophecy coming to pass. Somewhat hard to follow, especially in the beginning. But the film rides high on this sense of disorientation that continues to grow with every revelation of Point Dune's evil past, until a fittingly strange conclusion. Think Dead and Buried meets Gates of Hell...

Bloodthirsty (2020)

Still Thirsty

[6/10 · 19 August 2021]

While the atmosphere, acting and transformation FX are all on point, the big twist/payoff is ultimately a bit light and obvious. The biggest stumbling block, though, is the horrid and cliche indie pop the entire film is centered around. Nearly torpedoes the whole thing.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

The Thinking Fan's Friday the 13th

[8/10 · 16 August 2021]

Is it problematic? Most classics are. But what makes Sleepaway Camp great is that it's more than the sum of its parts. There's more going on here than standard slasher fare. For example, gender roles are flipped in many ways that put it far ahead of its time. Real life horrors like molestation and bullying are addressed (and dealt with in memorable fashion). And the ending will keep people talking for more years to come after this. Felissa is iconic. SFX are a cut above. Maybe best described as the thinking fan's Friday the 13th.

The Monster Squad (1987)

Sometimes Even Vampires Don't Age Well

[5/10 · 16 August 2021]

I have fond memories of this flick from growing up. But rewatching a couple decades later, it just doesn't hold up. Stan Winston's brilliant FX are squandered. The plot sits somewhere between a Goonies ripoff and a family-friendly take on The Lost Boys, without the charm or dread of either. The only saving grace is Tom Noonan's empathetic turn as Frankenstein's monster. But its the kids themselves--bullying, homophobic and misogynistic--that doesn't sit well with me anymore. Sure, Monster Squad is a part of its time and has an undeniable cult status. I just don't think I'll be watching it again. Especially when there is just so much better fare from this era to enjoy.

Pumpkinhead (1988)

"For each of man's sins, there is a special demon..."

[6/10 · 2 August 2021]

Stan Winston gets a directing gig! Lance Henriksen gets a starring role! Pumpkinhead was all but destined to become a cult classic from the start, even as a monster movie in the slasher-heavy 80s. Of course, with Winston at the helm, creature FX are the centerpiece here. The demon of vengeance is impressive and used with a Jaws-like restraint for most of the film. Shadows and subtle background movement ratchet up the mounting dread through the first half. And while the kill scenes more often than not leave something to be desired, that is the only negative criticism I can levy. Lance gives an emotional performance. The film establishes a rich mythos in under 90mins. And how many horror movies can say they were inspired by a poem?

Horror Express (1972)

Brain-sucking Ancient Alien Vampire Body Snatcher for the Win!

[7/10 · 30 July 2021]

Murder on the Orient Express meets The Thing with some extremely incorrect science and weird zombie stuff thrown in for the hell of it...and it WORKS!!! Cushing and Lee anchor a superb cast, including Telly Savalas who shows up for no reason except to be a badass and steal the show before becoming a bleedy-eyed zombie minion of the brain-sucking ancient alien vampire body snatcher. It's an amazing, wild ride with a whole lot going on, but it somehow manages to not go off the rails (until the end...literally). Great acting and practical FX make this trip more than worth while!