flyswm Reviews

Ship of the Damned (2024)

Fanfic?

[4/10 · 30 June 2024]

This honestly felt like someone's self-insert Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic. It seemed like Elena was into not-Barbosa and was down to... Well you know what I mean. I have no idea how the cannibalism ties into this Wattpad theory (or Michael tbh) but for a section of this movie, we were convinced that it was about to turn into p0rn or something.

I have no idea what the other woman was about. She seemed to have like no role other than to hiss and be killed. She shouldn't have been there.

And the ending made no sense either. If she was cursed to want meat then she couldn't escape the skip and would've had to have eaten the meat but it never showed that. Nonsense.

They should've just made it into the fanfic romance it was always intended to be.

Insidious: The Red Door (2023)

Actually good

[8/10 · 2 December 2023]

The insidious movies are probably the weakest horror franchise out there, so I had low expectations. Maybe that's why it scored so high. It definitely had moments where it leaned too far into the jump scare/cheap thrills side of things like the other movies, but there were a lot of moments that made me skin crawl.

The MRI scene, up until the end, worked on me really well. There were a lot of subtle moments like the hammer change of perspective and such that also worked. Iykyk

This is probably a good stand alone too. Since it starts with our two main characters not remembering everything, the mystery of what happened would be a great way to introduce new viewers. Just know that this is by far the best one, so don't bother with the rest of the series.

Children of the Corn (2020)

The acting is atrocious

[1/10 · 7 July 2023]

We couldn't make it past about the fifteen minute mark, if even that. The acting was so bad it made the movie completely unwatchable. This story isn't my favorite King story, but it has potential to be a good horror movie. This was not good though. Not even a little bit.

Apparently i need 600 characters to post this, so here's a few moments that were eye rolling and early on:

• "he's just sorry he didn't kill all of you"

-"I'm the red queen" -establishing the relationship of the siblings in a way that you can feel the script being read aloud -hit you on the head with a 2x4 foreshadowing about the corn disease.

Don't Worry Darling (I) (2022)

Nowhere near as bad as advertised

[7/10 · 11 December 2022]

Honestly, I was disappointed. I expected a mess along the lines of Suicide Squad or Justice League but it really wasn't like that. The plot had holes at the end but it was cohesive enough to follow and I felt like it was easy to follow. I didn't think Harry Styles was that bad either? Idk maybe my expectations were really off or something but I had a good time.

Florence Pughes is really good. She's very fun to watch. I thought Olivia Wilde did a great job and I loved Chris Pine and Gemma Chan too.

I will say that it felt really obvious to me that it wasn't in the 1950's because the things were all 50's aesthetic but didn't look authentic if that makes sense. The sci fi twist wasn't what I expected though.

The Requin (2022)

The title is a lie

[2/10 · 9 June 2022]

"the shark" yeah ok whatever. There are barely any sharks. That's not even the tension. The tension is between you and the remote as you argue with your roommate to keep playing it in the hopes that a shark will appear.

Antlers (2021)

Yikes/10

[2/10 · 9 April 2022]

Only reason it's getting above a 1 is because we watched the whole thing. Every single trope they used is outdated and gross. You can predict the entire thing within about 5 minutes. We stayed on to see the monster and the effects on it were admittedly decent, but not good enough to justify this piece of junk.

Just pass on it.

The Matrix Resurrections (I) (2021)

I thought it was really good

[8/10 · 27 December 2021]

Obviously references to the original trilogy and a bit Animatrix but I thought this was a fun ride. One of the better sequels/reboots I've seen in a long time.

Separation (I) (2021)

Yikes men really will make it all about them

[1/10 · 27 November 2021]

The worst part of this movie is the framing. It's all from the perspective of the man, showing his everything affects him, and how he's too good to do anything he sees as beneath him. (inking is not a worthless job and it's offensive to the comic industry to pretend it is) The beginning tries to show how terrible the mother is because she's not home and she's mean to the dad.... The dad who was flirting with the nanny so she couldn't watch the daughter. The dad who pretends to work when he's unemployed and could be watching his daughter instead. The dad who tried to make her feel bad for being the adult and getting a job she hated just to care for their kid. She let him live in her house, after she left him, rather than kick him out. She was the one who did everything for their kid, but the movie makes her the bad guy and him the good guy, even though he's a less-than-mediocre white man.

Basically this movie was obviously written by a straight white man who thinks the worst thing in the world is having to step up and be responsible.

The Empty Man (2020)

This was really good

[9/10 · 14 August 2021]

I feel like the lack of advertising is why this has so little attention. This movie was really good and more people should give it a try.

The Retreat (I) (2020)

Well I liked it

[7/10 · 1 August 2021]

I'm not sure what's real though. We'll never know.

Gods of Egypt (2016)

It's not bad but still yikes somehow.

[3/10 · 16 July 2021]

Let's get the obvious out of the way: no Egyptians in this movie. There are some poc, but their roles are limited enough that I feel safe calling this "white washed." I know this is from 2016, but that's still new enough to be embarrassing.

Other obvious issues: the plot is like every other blockbuster, which wouldn't be so bad if the characters were likeable in any way (spoilers: they're not. Even Jaime Lannister can't make me like this movie.)

The worst character though is the main dude. Bek I think his name is? He has the emotional depth of a dry kiddie pool. He talks about how in love he is but when she predictably got shot his reaction was... Nothing. Within moments he was back to his unearned sass and sarcasm. Also side note: how did he get out of Set's trap with the eye? Guess that's not important. Whatever. I would've liked to see a regular guy pal around with a washed up God and then become the key to saving the world, but this guy was awful and had 0 chemistry with a washed up God that I could've done without. A better story would've seen Hathor bring the mortals together to defeat Set and send all the gods away because they really need to stop meddling.

I dunno this movie is dumb guys. There's too much cgi and not enough good acting.

Deadly Illusions (2021)

Really bad

[1/10 · 12 July 2021]

Everyone else already talked about the bad writing and acting so instead I'll mention the bad action scene. The stabbing scene was truly awful. You could tell that the actors had memorized their cues but they waited several seconds too long between actions. Embarrassing tbh.

Also yeah it wouldn't been a lot better if (it didn't exist) but also if they did a Fight Club with Mary and Grace.

Homewrecker (I) (2019)

Didn't hate it

[4/10 · 4 July 2021]

For the record 5 is average for me so this is below average but not in the bag category.

I don't know what I expected but this is exactly what it said on the metaphorical box. It's super weird and cringey but I think that was the point.

Shook (2021)

Editing and cinematography were good actually

[4/10 · 1 July 2021]

They did some really cool camera work and editing for this. There was also some good situational humor. Not good but not terrible. 4/10 is just below average.

Jiu Jitsu (2020)

Couldn't even finish it

[1/10 · 19 June 2021]

Was this made by YouTubers? The cinematography was God awful. Like yeah it was a bad movie, but all martial arts focused movies (made by white people) are gonna be bad. I've watched my fair share of Steven Segal movies. I know the drill. This? This was worse. The filming made me dizzy. If you can't see the cool stunts (or can't watch them because dizzy) then what's the point?

The Unsettling (2019)

The only Unsettling thing is the acting

[2/10 · 19 June 2021]

This show was truly horrendous. I love horror and I love bad horror... When it's entertaining. This was so far from entertaining I ended up *choosing* to do practice problems from a textbook instead of focus too hard on it. The main actress has this wide eyed dumb look on her face the entire time, and the lines everyone delivers are flatter than a pancake. It's a waste of time. Not even the "mystery" is worth it.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

Below average

[4/10 · 7 June 2021]

The plot made no sense. The scares were meh. The cinematography had some pretty cool moments, which made it finish-able. But man what the hell even happened? Trying to follow the plot at all was a waste of time.

Sanctum (2011)

Below average

[4/10 · 8 May 2021]

The characters are all too mean and the message seems to be "people will kill others when they panic every time so if they get to a rough point you should put them down for their own good." After an apocalyptic year, I think it's become pretty obvious that the majority of people aren't like that, which makes this movie feel really shallow. The father/son relationship was pathetically shadow and every decision every character made was frustratingly stupid. Not the worst movie out there but it was a miss for me.

Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum (2018)

Genuinely good

[10/10 · 1 April 2021]

Way better than expected. Earned a spot in my top 5 horror of all time list.

Gothika (2003)

Offensive garbage

[3/10 · 2 January 2021]

2003 is far too recent for these kinds of mentally ill stereotypes. The acting was bland, the logic was nonexistent, and many scenes were just unnecessary. Need an example? The shower scene alone demonstrates all the problems

Host (II) (2020)

GOAT incoming

[10/10 · 24 August 2020]

One of the best horror movies I've ever seen. I've watched so many horror in my life and this is by far one of the top tier ones. I was actually genuinely scared. They did an amazing job with this and it's not only scary for the horror elements but scary because of how timely it is. Set and filmed during the COVID-19 quarantine. This is a stand out movie of the year, decade, and century. I highly recommend giving it a shot.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)

Why are all these new Godzilla movies so boring

[3/10 · 16 August 2020]

Seriously. They're really boring. It's human exposition for like 75% of the movie then monster fighting for 10% and human fighting for the remaining 15%. No one cares about the humans guys come on.

Orphan (2009)

Jeepers Creepers 2 was better

[3/10 · 9 August 2020]

Dumb. Vera deserves a better movie. Scraping the bottom of the barrel here

Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)

This movie is better than it has any right to be

[7/10 · 8 August 2020]

Certainly better than the original, even though there are still some bad effects. More interesting than some of the other popular horror. And I'm shocked that a horror movie from 2003 actually addressed things like homophobia and racism.

Yeah this was better than expected. Good job

The Invisible (2007)

The ending was nonsense

[5/10 · 3 August 2020]

5/10 for me is an average rating, so I definitely didn't hate this. Is it full of cliches? Yeah. Was it enjoyable regardless? Yes actually. It certainly had the feeling of a movie striving to be deeper than it was, which is probably why so many bad reviews hate on it. My main issue with it was the ending. It made no sense to me and there wasn't an explanation for how Annie's death saved Nick. Even some mumbo jumbo about "a life for a life" would've been enough to pop it up to 6 or 7 stars.