wtheld Reviews

World War Z (2013)

Knight of the living dead.

[3/10 · 23 September 2013]

And I spent money renting this. Computer generated zombie hordes swarming over computer generated walls, vehicles and fleeing masses gets old after, say, 45 minutes. As our hero flies from country to country barely escaping the aforementioned hordes, the plot fizzles into a predictably scary scenario that we've all seen hundreds of times in lower budget horror films.

I had hoped that this "film" would add some interesting twists to the extremely tired zombie genre, but alas, it was not to be. The 50s version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" was a whole lot scarier and John Carpenter's 1982 remake of "The Thing" had more innovative effects for the time.

I actually liked "Warm Bodies" better because it at least had a plot and a story line that wasn't simply an amalgamation of every zombie movie ever made (only with swarming fast zombies replacing the plodding ones).

I rented this dog on Pay-per-View and spent an extra dollar for the HD version. My bad.

Legion (2010)

Oof, what a stinko.

[1/10 · 20 July 2010]

Absolutely predictable and a total POS. Not a single "person" in this epic was likable (or believable) and the entire film was paced up and down every 10 minutes like a TV pilot. Long-winded diatribes by boring characters droning endlessly over misspent youth or pubescent angst was interspersed with occasional blood letting by "possessed" beings who attack by the millions but give up and waddle away after a few of their numbers are mowed down by endlessly loaded automatic weapons wielded by the few humans left in the area. Unfortunately (or fortunately if you have anything against bad scripts and worse acting), these "living" characters start falling for well-tested zombie ploys and charging stupidly one-by-one to their demise as the cast narrows obediently to the select (very) few for the final, incredibly stupid conclusion.

And through it all runs the thread of God's "will," as articulated by writer or writers who can't possibly have gleaned their craft from anything more complex than Harlequin novels. The God of Legion is easily bamboozled by patronizing angels into destroying mankind with a plague of B-movie zombie-types (who even bite on the old vehicle-by-the-gas-pump trick that George Romero pulled off in 1968), yet bright enough to see the error of his ways, maybe.

Eeesh, this hound was painful to sit through. Dennis Quaid at his career low, and I blew $5.99 renting it from Comcast.

Miracles (1986)

Very funny, gem of a movie.

[10/10 · 29 April 2007]

How can you top Tom Conti, Terri Garr, Paul Rodriguez, Christopher Lloyd and a good script? Lots of very clever and subtle (some not-so-subtle) humor as well as a nice message run through this delightful movie.

I've always liked Terri Garr anyway (Full Moon in Blue Water, After Hours, and, of course, Young Frankenstein]), so it wasn't much of a stretch for me to love this film.

This is the kind of film that turns up at 7AM Sunday morning on a cable movie channel...in point of fact, that's where I first saw it...and catches you by surprise. As soon as it's out in DVD I'm going to snap it up.

Besides, any movie that can make the line "look for feet ground" hilarious gets my vote.

King Kong (2005)

Another dog from Peter Jackson.

[1/10 · 1 April 2006]

With unbelieving eyes I have read reviews of this pooch which go on and on about the marvelous special effects, the exhilarating sustained action, masterful handling of interspecies romance, and on and on and on ad nauseam. What has happened to the world when a garbage film like this can elicit such praise from movie going critics? It's not enough that Peter Jackson foisted his overblown sense of imagery and his underblown feel for acting and plot upon us in his destruction of Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings," now he besots the memory of the 1933 classic King Kong film. What's up next for Jackson, an action version of "It's a Wonderful Life?"

There are so many stupid scenes in this movie, all tossed-in in the name of "sustained action" I suppose, that I cannot imagine anyone over 7 years-old thinking it was even moderately entertaining (my eight-year-old grandson thought it was "really dumb").

Here's a quick, short list of long, mind-numbingly stupid scenes: 1. K2's run with Ann Darrow in hand bouncing along like a rag doll. 2. Three-on-one dinosaur fight while K2 holds Ann Darrow. Yeah, right. 3. The seemingly hour-long Brontosaurus stampede. 4. The plunge through vine canyon with K2 again defending Ann Darrow from T-Rex x 3. 5. Attack of the giant, animated, non-biting plastic bugs.

That's just for openers. I feel I must comment about other excessively moronic scenes or concepts in this movie that push it into the category of "pure drivel".

1. How about the 100-yard pole vault the native pulled off to get aboard the boat? Kind of the equivalent of vaulting from one rim of the Rose Bowl to another. I wonder not only how (and why) natives would practice a maneuver like that, but also where'd they get the pole?

2. What was Denham waiting for when he refused to drop the "gangplank" and let D&D through the wall when K2 was chasing them? Was he trying to tease K2 to peak his rage a bit more, or was Jackson simply using some cheap Saturday morning cartoon theatrics to excite the 4 year-olds in the audience?

3. Do you really believe that the first thing a steamer captain would do in a heavy fog is speed up to get through it?

4. Isn't there generally wind and a little swaying atop the Empire State Building? Ann Darrow looked casual enough up there to once again burst into her vaudeville routine.

5. How did Ann Darrow and K2 find a secluded, mist-shrouded street in downtown New York City, amid the panic of K2 fleers, to have their protracted romantic reunion?

6. Sorry, but the K2 + Ann Darrow affair didn't work for me. I can't imagine she was fantasizing some kind of simian Linda Lovelace trip, so I have to assume she viewed Mr. K as her private pet gorilla. How in the world does that call for all the dewy eyed gushing and breathlessness at simply seeing him again on the aforementioned mist shrouded NY City street?

7. I simply must comment on the shoot-the-bugs-off-Driscoll scene. If there is a dumber scene in cinematic history (besides every scene in Armageddon), I don't recall it. Jimmy blasts away with a Thompson submachine gun, the sharpshooter's weapon of choice in 1930s America, from point blank range (eyes closed?), blithely picking off animated plastic bugs, who weren't chewing or anything, but were merely standing on Jack Driscoll. It appeared, also, that Jimmy was using the .22 caliber, non-recoil model of the famous gun.

8. Who cast Jack Black as Carl Denham? Was it the same person who cast Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith in Matrix) as Elrond in Lord of the Rings ("One of these lives has a future, Mr. Baggins…"). Black, in much the same manner as he played the heartwarming Barry in "High Fidelity," turned Denham from a rogue, down-on-his-luck director into a weaselly, heartless bastard who patronized living and dead for the sake of his vision of success.

I could go on for almost three hours on how terrible I thought this movie was, but why bother? How some see this hound as "marvelous" or "a masterpiece" is immensely perplexing to me. This film did it's very best to be worse than the 1976 Dino De Laurentiis stinker, and in many ways succeeded. Modern technology has enabled Jackson to reach new heights of cinematic stupidity and has allowed him to enchant a generation of movie goers apparently weaned on computer generated video-think and shielded from the concepts of plot development, acting, or, in this case, taste.

What have we come to when we elevate cinematic charlatans like Jackson, whom I still haven't forgiven for relegating Tolkien's masterwork to a cheesy, three-part soap opera, to master status?

Long Gone (1987 TV Movie)

Simply a marvelous movie.

[10/10 · 4 November 2005]

How can anyone ever expect to top Long Gone as a baseball film? From Virginia Madsen's brilliant and tawdry rendition of the National Anthem in the opening scenes to the Tampico Stogies all looking "Handsomer than sh*t" as the movie closes, this movie delivers strong messages about life, bigotry, reality, romance, and life on a bus in the minor leagues. To me, this film left movies like "Bull Durham" in the dust.

Transitioning back and forth between an almost cavalier approach to the game in the 50s and the harsh reality of deep south racism, Long Gone tosses humor or compassion in at exactly the right moment to keep the situation from getting out of hand. I favorably compare "Long Gone" to "Slap Shot" (another of my favorites) in taking an irreverent look at life through the travails of those who dwell just under "the show." Yes, the clichés are there, but the writing is both intelligent and clever and the acting at times brilliant. Besides, how can any movie with the song "Red Hot" by Billy Riley in the soundtrack not be revered by all? I only wish it would come out on DVD soon.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

A pooch of the highest (lowest?) order.

[1/10 · 5 January 2003]

Personally I found this movie to be a major disappointment.

Having read the book(s) several times since the mid-sixties, I have a thorough knowledge of the plot and a profound fondness for the texture of the story. I resisted unreasonable expectations going in, and was prepared for what I thought would be, at worst, a visual treat and some interpretative entertainment.

What I saw, however, was dour, over-pensive characters with little or no inherent charm, Pippin and Merry tossed in merely for bumbling comic relief, unconnected and confusing plot development (had I not been so familiar with the story I would have been completely unaware of what was going on in the story), and alterations to the storyline that were insipid and done merely to provide larger roles for the actors (the Arwen/Liv Tyler synthetic heroics pop immediately to mind).

As if the baffling plot development isn't bad enough, the role of Saruman in the story is greatly misrepresented, texture building subplot roles such as Bombadill and Butterbur were simply removed, and what were the Sacksville Bagginses (so critical to the book plot in the end) doing in this movie if they only got one (rather bewildering) reference. I could go on for hours about missing characterizations but suffice to say the difference between book and movie in this arena is horrific, and in point of fact, fatal.

Certainly the 'graphics' were nice, but so what. Amazing graphic hacking and hewing of monsters in a mountainous setting is a dime a dozen these days. Big deal.

And, Hugo Weaving as Elrond was ridiculous. All due respects to Mr. Weaving, but all I could hear Elrond saying in any of his scenes was 'Well, Mr. Anderson, one of these lives has a future and the other does not.' Respects to his powerful portrayal as agent Smith.

The charm and depth of Tolkien's story is completely missing in this film. Frodo, for example, whines and whimpers through every scene, acting continually pained, as if he had a thorn in his foot the entire time. He has no real inner character or strength, except in a few unfounded grandiose speeches during which he seemingly pulls some nerve out of thin air and proclaims himself equal to whatever task is currently at hand, after first whimpering in the background for a good deal of time with sad puppy-dog eyes and furrowed brow.

I would guess that the direction of this film was based on the assumption that members of the audience had read the book(s) and were familiar with the story line (how else could anyone follow the jerky plot presentation). If that is indeed the case, why were there so many drastic deviations from the original story line? Did screenwriter Frances Walsh or director Peter Jackson actually believes themselves better at telling this tale than Tolkien? The difference in medium is simply not a good enough explanation for me, and I rank this convoluted, expensive quagmire of one-dimensional characters and uninspired storytelling right up there with other titanic screen dogs, like Armageddon and Independence Day.

Painfully, there are 2 more Lord of the Rings episodes to come.

Cannery Row (1982)

One of my favorites.

[9/10 · 9 May 2001]

There are certain scenes from movies that are almost as 'classic' as the movies themselves: the poker scene from The Sting, Slim Pickins' riding the H-bomb in Dr. Strangelove, Gene Hackman and Peter Boyle in the cottage scene in Young

Frankenstein, Jack Nicholson's restaurant scene in Five Easy Pieces, or Judy Holiday's gin scene in Born Yesterday.

The frog-hunt scene from Cannery Row ranks as one of those segments that seem to rise above the movie itself and call for special recognition. John Houston's brilliant narrative couples with Dr. John's driving piano background and the wonderful swamp amphibian visuals to create a magic that's both poetic and entertaining.

Cannery Row is a rich tapestry of such scenes, bound together by clever storytelling, great performances, and wonderful music. It ranks as one of my personal favorites.

Besides, how can you dislike a movie with M. Emmet Walsh AND Sunshine Parker?