Midian-2 Reviews

I Love You Phillip Morris (2009)

Summary on box missed some "key" points

[7 August 2011]

This was actually a pretty decent movie. I just would have liked to have known that when my wife and I sat down with pizza and popcorn that we'd be watching two dudes making out.

The box showed a pretty happy looking Jim Carrey, and you can't go wrong with Ewan McGregor. Going in, everything was moving along swell when *bam!* full on guy-on-guy action. Not what I was expecting. Unless you've got a phobia when it comes to same sex love-making, the movie had it's laughs and was worth the hour and a half we spent watching it...uncomfortably.

Maybe I should have done my research a little better, but I thought this had something to do with smoking.

Bear (I) (2010)

Could "Bear-ly" Keep My Eyes Open

[1/10 · 27 December 2010]

Few things can really turn me off of a horror movie. I like low budget B movies even when they're bad because they're hilarious in their poor quality. There isn't a monster made that I don't like. I can handle crappy acting and bad story lines when there's at least an end in sight...but this movie goes absolutely nowhere. There's no anticipation of what's next. It's a bear. What do you expect? Ouch my arm. The bear ate it. Yes, they use a real bear, because at least the bear could growl on command, and stand up on it's hind legs when needed. It doesn't seem like it would take a lot of acting to look frightened of a three hundred pound grizzly staring you down...but these actors failed even that. One actress looked at the bear about to attack as if it were her ornery old grandmother waving a cane at a birthday party rather than a wild animal a foot away about to devour her flesh. The one star this film earned goes to the guy in the bear suit for having the dedication to crawl around on the ground for hours. No bears were harmed in the making of this film...only my senses.

Everybody's Fine (2009)

Box makes you think this is a Comedy...If Comedies make you Cry

[4/10 · 14 April 2010]

The cover of the box shows DeNiro, Beckinsale and Barrymore smiling and happy. The title "Everybody's Fine" makes you think...well, that as suggested, everything will be fine. Oh no...not fine. Not fine at all. If fine is somebody peeing on your fresh vanilla ice cream scoop, then this movie is fine.

The acting was quite superb, but this story makes drowning kittens look like a happily ever after. At least cats can be resuscitated in a comedic fashion by twirling them above your head by their tails like a lasso. (The centrifugal force pushes the water out.) Though, even that didn't work with this movie. I tried.

My real gripe here is that this shouldn't have been marketed as a family comedy. There wasn't anything to laugh at. "A heartwarming film that will move you to laughter and tears." I watched this at the end of the night to get a good smile and a couple of chuckles out before I went to bed. Now I just feel vacant and depressed. Yes, DeNiro was awesome, but there should be some warning on the box that the "heartwarming moving to laughter" segment of the film is only about four and a half minutes long while the rest pulls your heart strings through the venom that binds this sad family.

Most misleading billing of a film as a comedy since Fast Food Nation.

Not saying it sucked...but damn if I don't feel like crying.

Voodoo Tailz (2002 Video)

This makes my brain hurt.

[1/10 · 26 April 2003]

What a piece of crap.

I mistakenly rented this while trying to rent Cube (a much, much better film). I can only assume someone had placed it behind the Cube box as a joke, but since I had already paid for this movie, I thought I may as well watch it.

I haven't had this much trouble sitting through a movie to its completion since Gummo. There is no plot to speak of, no special effects whatsoever, no good dialogue, no good acting, and chock full of ridiculous stereotypes. They could have let these people read their lines from cue cards and it would've been just as effective.

The plot begins with three college girls (who are, at least, attractive) going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Apparently some "voodoo cult" composed of a scrawny black bartender, overweight white loser, and some other people whose faces we don't see (could it be because they are re-using actors from other roles?) has been kidnapping college girls every Mardi Gras.

In the confusing mess that follows, one of the girls' sister dies, one of the girls is kidnapped, a redheaded girl somehow joins the group, and the rest of them are kidnapped by the "cult." This cult apparently just smears blood all over their victims with chicken legs. The girls are "rescued" by the strangest undercover police officer ever, some seemingly incompetent police officers, and their escaped friend.

Best scene in the movie? The black girl putting a gun between one of the cult members' legs and yelling "Is this what you were lookin for, mutha-F***A??" It reminded me of Dolemite, and that's always a good thing.

Mercifully, this only lasts about 70 minutes, but a long 70 minutes those are. Any more and I believe my mental faculties may have shut down completely.

Gummo (1997)

If you liked Feardotcom, you'll love Gummo.

[1/10 · 20 October 2002]

And I mean that as in, they're both total CRAP. Gummo is so hideously awful that I can't even begin to describe how much I hate it. This movie should not exist. It made me want to die.

Ozone (1993)

Not bad for the budget.

[7/10 · 16 August 2001]

This isn't a great movie, but it's also not really a terrible movie. I found it pretty enjoyable, to tell the truth. The effects are obviously cheap, but when you consider the budget these people were probably working with, I think the film came out rather well. The major players act better than most in low-budget horror films, and the storyline, for the most part, makes sense. A few seemingly pointless scenes are thrown in here and there, but overall it isn't too hard to follow. I liked the movie, and if you enjoy horror movies and can appreciate a fairly well-made low-budget film, Ozone is worth checking out.

Ren wu ke ren (1980)

Bad isn't the appropriate term...

[1/10 · 17 June 2000]

This is beyond awful. I can't describe the crappiness of this film. Don't waste your time with this. I guess there's a group of people who enjoy bad kung-fu movies of this sort, but I certainly don't know any of them. It's amusing for the first few minutes... then it just gets repetitive and not even funny. Quite horrible.

Blades (1989)

Holy Jesus, here it comes...

[4/10 · 17 June 2000]

The summary makes sense to those of you who have seen the movie, I'm sure.

To start with, understand that this is a bad movie. On the other hand, however, it is sort of an interesting concept and is quite humorous at points. I'd say that the idea is poorly carried out, but there's not really a good way to carry out a killer lawnmower movie. It is rather entertaining, but don't rent this if you're looking for a masterpiece.

Could make for a good evening if you enjoy laughing at bad horror movies, as you probably do if you're even looking at this.

Redneck Zombies (1989 Video)

Another one from Troma...

[2/10 · 17 June 2000]

From the people who brought you such works of art as the Toxic Avenger and Tromeo and Juliet comes... Redneck Zombies.

As is to be expected of a Troma film, this isn't very good. In fact, it's pretty bad. Most of the movie looks as if it was filmed with a camcorder, the acting and effects are awful, and the plot is nonsensical. The movie is much longer than it needs to be and not all that entertaining.

The film does have its moments, however. Some parts are quite humorous, but I think they're rather few and far between. If you're a fan of Troma's other films, though, you'll most likely enjoy this one. Fans of bad horror movies may also find it worth watching.

Oasis of the Zombies (1982)

A truly bad movie, but a good laugh.

[5/10 · 30 July 1999]

Unfortunately, I can't even give this one an A for effort, but it is hilarious. I managed to pick one of these up about a month ago (the box itself is humorous enough - "The Walking Nazi Dead!"). If you enjoy bad horror movies or you feel like laughing, this is worth a rental. The "mechanical pencil" stabbing is so stupid it's good - then there's always the "papier-mache-head-on-a-stick zombie." Good for watching with friends.