Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Walnuts and Demerol (2006)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• [Alan opens Jake's room] 

  Judith , Herb : [offscreen]  WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

  Alan Harper : Judith, what the hell are you doing?

  Judith : You told me to fight for my man, I'm fighting for my man!

  Herb : Alan, would you please close the door?

  [Alan complies] 

  Alan Harper : Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for *me* from that angle...

• [last lines] 

  Alan Harper : [in bed with Dorothy]  Okay, just so we're clear: you're only doing this to piss off my mom?

  Dorothy : Is that a problem?

  Alan Harper : Nah, it makes it better!

• Judith : Make this stop!

  Alan Harper : I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.

  Judith : Don't screw with me! Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancee!

  Alan Harper : That's funny. The way I see it, your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.

  Judith : Damn it, Alan! I can make your life a living hell!

  Alan Harper : How would I know the difference?

• Alan Harper : Judith, you want your man, you fight for him!

  Judith : [points at Kandi]  How can I compete with *that*?

  Alan Harper : There's no competition! Herb loves you! You're in a mature, sophisticated relationship based on mutual respect! All Kandi has is...

  [watches Herb stare at Kandi] 

  Alan Harper : There'll be other men.

• Alan Harper : Kandi? What are you doing here?

  Kandi : I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.

  Alan Harper : Where's your new boyfriend?

  Kandi : He decided to spend Christmas with his family.

  Alan Harper : Why didn't he bring you along?

  Kandi : He thought it might make his wife uncomfortable.

• Charlie Harper : You're leaving, too, right?

  Alan Harper : Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself, just so you can have sex tonight.

  Charlie Harper : You could have sex, too. Just pick the right movie theater.

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Charlie Harper : Jake, time to go!

  Charlie Harper : [to Alan]  Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.

  Alan Harper : [sarcastic]  Ho! Ho! Ho!

  Charlie Harper : That's another option.

• Evelyn : Do you trust me?

  Alan Harper , Berta , Charlie Harper , Rose : No!

  Evelyn : Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?

  Alan Harper , Berta , Charlie Harper , Rose : NO!

• Herb : Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

  Judith : That's why I need eggnog.

  Herb : Hey! I spent Thanksgiving with *your* parents!

  Alan Harper : Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab?

  Judith : Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

  Herb : Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.

  Alan Harper : Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law. You might as well get used to it. Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

  [Judith glares at Alan] 

  Alan Harper : On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

• Dorothy : Alan?

  Alan Harper : Uh, yes.

  Dorothy : I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.

  Alan Harper : No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I... I... I don't remember you.

  Dorothy : Oh. Well, I'm not surprised. At the time, you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.

  Alan Harper : Ah. Well, I did it!

• Alan Harper : [gives Jake his gift]  You can open it tomorrow with your mother...

  [Jake starts to rip it open] 

  Alan Harper : ...or you can rip it open now, with your teeth, like a rabid jackal.

• Dorothy : Listen, Alan. I'm looking for my daughter.

  Alan Harper : Drunk blonde?

  Dorothy : Well, she isn't always blonde...

• Dorothy : You've turned into a very attractive young man.

  Alan Harper : Thank you!

  Dorothy : Could've gone either way. Lucky you grew into those ears.