Quotes
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Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : [Klinger is sitting on a small platform on a pole] Don't just walk away, can't you see I'm crazy?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Klinger, if I got rid of all the crazies in this camp, I'd be the loneliest man in Korea.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I'm not coming down, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : In that case, I have just one piece of advice for you. When you're walking guard duty tonight, take very tiny steps.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Some private from the 8063rd just set a new pole-sitting record.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : On news like that, we can take the day off.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : 94 hours and 18 minutes. What tomfoolery. Leave it to Drake to promote this sort of nonsense.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Who's Drake?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : C.O. of the 8063rd. I can see his fine hand in this. Little bits of tawdry glory are all that matter to him. I still remember the day he swallowed 23 goldfish to break the old record at Camp Grant. To see him strutting around, you'd have thought he'd licked the kaiser single-handed.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : What was the old record?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : 22. I was sick as a dog for a week.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : You've got just 46 hours and 19 minutes to go to break the MASH pole-sitting record.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : 46 hours and 19 minutes? You mean you want me to stay up here, sir?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : You can do it on one wing, Lindy.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : But Colonel, it's cold as a witch's elbow.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : I'll give you your choice. You can stay up there, or come down here and swallow 24 goldfish.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Did you say 24 goldfish, sir?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : The first 18 are easy.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : If you want a souvenir, take yourself home in one piece. Remember, somebody at home loves you. Don't ask me why.
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Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : [opening a hard-boiled egg] An egg's an amazing thing. There's nothing as hard and yet as delicate.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Except my arteries.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : The egg is so versatile. You can do almost anything to it. You can boil it. You can fry it. You can scramble it. You can put a hat on it.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Put a lid on it. I'm tryin' to read.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Souvenir hunting has been a problem in every war. Hannibal's men booby-trapped their elephants' trunks.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : They blew up every time they went swimming.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Now what are you doing sitting on top of that pole?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I'm pole-sitting, sir. It's Section 8 time.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Klinger, you're the tops.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Klinger is the nuts.
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Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : Good try, Colonel.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yeah, you convinced me.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Oh, that's the trouble with speeches. You wind up convincing your friends and boring your enemies.
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Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I'm not stubborn. I'm crazy. Give me a Section 8!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : You're not even half crazy, Klinger.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : So make it a Section 4. Send me as far as San Francisco. From there, I'll hitch.
[Potter and Father Mulcahy start walking away]
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I'll settle for a Section 2. Send me to Honolulu. From there, I'll swim.