- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger is sitting on a small platform on a pole] Don't just walk away, can't you see I'm crazy?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Klinger, if I got rid of all the crazies in this camp, I'd be the loneliest man in Korea.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm not coming down, sir.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: In that case, I have just one piece of advice for you. When you're walking guard duty tonight, take very tiny steps.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Some private from the 8063rd just set a new pole-sitting record.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: On news like that, we can take the day off.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: 94 hours and 18 minutes. What tomfoolery. Leave it to Drake to promote this sort of nonsense.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Who's Drake?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: C.O. of the 8063rd. I can see his fine hand in this. Little bits of tawdry glory are all that matter to him. I still remember the day he swallowed 23 goldfish to break the old record at Camp Grant. To see him strutting around, you'd have thought he'd licked the kaiser single-handed.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What was the old record?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: 22. I was sick as a dog for a week.
- M.P. Ernie Connors: The Koreans are anxious that their national art treasures remain in the country. The U.S. Army supports that position.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, I'm sure if Major Burns suddenly remembers buying that vase, he'll be the first to deny it.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You've got just 46 hours and 19 minutes to go to break the MASH pole-sitting record.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: 46 hours and 19 minutes? You mean you want me to stay up here, sir?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You can do it on one wing, Lindy.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: But Colonel, it's cold as a witch's elbow.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'll give you your choice. You can stay up there, or come down here and swallow 24 goldfish.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Did you say 24 goldfish, sir?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The first 18 are easy.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: If you want a souvenir, take yourself home in one piece. Remember, somebody at home loves you. Don't ask me why.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That happens to be a precious family heirloom, and now that you and I are no longer... close, I wish to give it to Donald.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Indian giver.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Then you admit you have it.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I do not. I'm just pointing out that, had you given it to me, as you seem to think you did, and you didn't, you'd be an Indian giver.
- Willie Stratton: Hey, Hawkeye. How'd you like an aluminum bracelet for your wrist?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: How'd you like a knuckle sandwich for your mouth?
- Willie Stratton: Oh, come on, guys. A guy's gotta live.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Should we put it to a vote?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [opening a hard-boiled egg] An egg's an amazing thing. There's nothing as hard and yet as delicate.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except my arteries.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The egg is so versatile. You can do almost anything to it. You can boil it. You can fry it. You can scramble it. You can put a hat on it.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Put a lid on it. I'm tryin' to read.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Souvenir hunting has been a problem in every war. Hannibal's men booby-trapped their elephants' trunks.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: They blew up every time they went swimming.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Now what are you doing sitting on top of that pole?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm pole-sitting, sir. It's Section 8 time.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Klinger, you're the tops.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Klinger is the nuts.
- Willie Stratton: Aw, come off it. All I do is peddle a few harmless souvenirs. I mean, what I do is good for the economy. I create jobs!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: For the undertaker.
- Willie Stratton: Boy, you guys really think you're hot stuff because you're M.D.s and I'm just a chopper pilot.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Make that Pontius Pilate.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Good try, Colonel.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yeah, you convinced me.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Oh, that's the trouble with speeches. You wind up convincing your friends and boring your enemies.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm not stubborn. I'm crazy. Give me a Section 8!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You're not even half crazy, Klinger.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: So make it a Section 4. Send me as far as San Francisco. From there, I'll hitch.
- [Potter and Father Mulcahy start walking away]
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'll settle for a Section 2. Send me to Honolulu. From there, I'll swim.