Nothing But Trouble (1991)
Chevy Chase: Chris Thorne
Photos
Quotes
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Miss Purdah : [Chris is chained and Eldona is trying on outfits before him] Eldona, you know he's not supposed to see you this special day?
Chris Thorne : Special day? What is it--Halloween?
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Chris Thorne : They're Brazillionaires, they have breakfast at 2pm in the afternoon.
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J.P. : You might be interested to know that you are *not* under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp pad jockey! We've always been set to deal with the offenders *once* and for all at their first appearance! Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!
[whistles]
Chris Thorne : Congratulations, I'm glad to know thing are running smoothly for you.
[lights a cigar]
J.P. : [bellows] PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!
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[passing by three half-buried dolphin statues]
Chris Thorne : So that's where they buried Flipper.
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Chris Thorne : Thanks for the espresso maker... and the bag of shit.
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Chris Thorne : Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?
J.P. : There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?
Chris Thorne : I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.
J.P. : Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?
[shouts]
J.P. : JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!
Fausto : So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?
Diane Lightson : Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.
J.P. : I believe it is.
Renalda : You should do a book.
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J.P. : [asking about Chris' job] Banker?
Chris Thorne : No, not banker. Financial publisher. "Thorne Weekly"?
J.P. : OK, banker.
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Chris Thorne : Fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.
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Diane Lightson : Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing and we'll be on our way.
J.P. : Oh, I will let you be on your way, and when you go...
[bellows]
J.P. : THE CAT'S EYES'LL SPIN! NOW, LISTEN!
Chris Thorne : OK, we'll listen!
J.P. : [calm again] Hey, hey, ha! Ho ha! Heh heh heh heh! Hoola, Hoola, Hoola! The Boola Boola Boola! Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now! Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!
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J.P. : Welcome to supper! How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?
Chris Thorne : Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.
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Chris Thorne : Come on, death for running a stop sign?
J.P. : *And* for being a banker! That's the double death.
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Fausto : Where are we going?
Chris Thorne : We're going to Atlantic City, Fausto. Get in the trunk.
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J.P. : No choice now but house policy.
J.P. : Fine, house policy! *What's* house policy?
Chris Thorne : Well, whatever man she touches is the one she keeps!
Chris Thorne : Aw, no!
[Eldona carries him off happily]
Chris Thorne : Oh, come on, all I did run a goddamn stoplight! I just want to get to Atlantic City!
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[passing two dirty bikers]
Chris Thorne : Evil Knievel and Mr. Clean.
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Chris Thorne : [after Chris insults the Reeve and falling in a chamber of squeaky toys, Diane punches him; shocked] What was that for?
Diane Lightson : [furious] How could you be so insensitive?
Chris Thorne : What do you mean? What are you talking about?
Renalda : Fausto, you better do something about this!
Fausto : Niña, you're pulling on my coat, now cool it!
Diane Lightson : I had us out of here! Then you had to go and open your big mouth!
[pulls toy out of her shirt]
Chris Thorne : *You* had us out of here? We would've been here another two hours listening to the history of the Valkenburger farm or wherever the hell we are!
Diane Lightson : I knew that I couldn't depend on you!
Chris Thorne : Listen, I don't need this! I was just trying to get us to Atlantic City... for YOU!
Diane Lightson : [sarcastic] Oh, is that right?
Chris Thorne : Yeah!
Fausto : [to Chris] You're no longer our financial advisor! You're fired!
Diane Lightson , Chris Thorne : [to Fausto] SHUT UP!
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Diane Lightson : How long have you been divorced?
Chris Thorne : Four years.
Diane Lightson : Do you still love her?
Chris Thorne : Nah, been over her for... weeks.
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Chris Thorne : All this is about some hustler who dumped on you, right? Isn't it? Well, what about Suntz? Really? I mean, what were you planning on doing when you got down to Atlantic City and confronted him? Slap his face in front of a roomful of investors? That's a helluva way to break up with a guy if that's what you were doing.
[Diane sighs]
Chris Thorne : So you picked the wrong guy. Happens to the best of us. I've been through this. You know, when it come to love, there's no accounting for taste.
[jokes at Diane]
Chris Thorne : Hell, I used to be married to Imelda Marcos.
[Diane chuckles]
Chris Thorne : You don't have to put yourself through this. A guy like that's gonna bury himself anyway. He doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.
Diane Lightson : I'm just such a jerk. I mean, why do I always pick the wrong guy? I mean, I'm... I'm so trusting...
[kisses Chris]
Diane Lightson : and so gullible.
[kisses Chris again and continues it]
Diane Lightson : I mean, I don't know why I'm such a pushover. I mean I'm such a sucker. Mmm. Mmm. I just... love a pretty face. Oh! Oh, it's so... Oh, it's so embarrassing.
[Shocked]
Diane Lightson : Oh! Ooh! I better lie down.
[sprints towards the bed]
Diane Lightson : Oh, you're nothing but trouble. Ooh! Oh!
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Diane Lightson : [passing "No Cussing" sign] Oh, and no cussing.
Chris Thorne : Oh, shit.
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Mike the Doorman : Evening, Mr. Thorne.
Chris Thorne : [getting out of the car] 110 blocks in less than 15 minutes, not bad for a one-eyed Russian immigrant.
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Chris Thorne : I should have known. A Brazillionaire never forgets.
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Chris Thorne : You may kiss the bride.
Chris Thorne : Oh, not in front of all these people, your honor.
J.P. : [yelling] NOW!
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[passing a group of hillbillies]
Chris Thorne : Morning. Sell pork bellies, buy gold.
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Chris Thorne : What are you saying, it's death or Eldona?
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Chris Thorne : [after being stopped by Dennis, a police officer] Folks, meet Andy Griffith!
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J.P. : [asking Chris if he takes Eldona to be his wife]
Chris Thorne : [stuttering] I di...
J.P. : Pardon?
Chris Thorne : [stuttering] bu...
J.P. : What?
Chris Thorne : [stuttering] I can'...
J.P. : Speak up!
Chris Thorne : [sweating] I do. I do.
