Nothing But Trouble (1991)
Miss Purdah: [Chris is chained and Eldona is trying on outfits before him] Eldona, you know he's not supposed to see you this special day?
Chris Thorne: Special day? What is it - Halloween?
Chris Thorne: They're Brazillionaires, they have breakfast at 2pm in the afternoon.
Chris Thorne: Thanks for the espresso maker... and the bag of shit.
Diane Lightson: Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing and we'll be on our way.
J.P.: Oh, I will let you be on your way, and when you go...
J.P.: THE CAT'S EYES'LL SPIN! NOW, LISTEN!
Chris Thorne: Ok, we'll listen!
J.P.: [calm again] Hey, hey, ha! Ho ha! Heh heh heh heh! Hoola, Hoola, Hoola! The Boola Boola Boola! Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now! Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!
Bobo: [the three are playing cards] If I win, I get... another bowl of cereal!
L'il Debbull: If I win, I get... Diane!
Diane Lightson: [cutesy] No, Lil' Debbull
Fausto: You people are sick, wicked, funky, misanthropic, co-dependent animals! And I won't have my sister, who was once the Queen of the Mardi Gras, sitting at a table with a pickle-shooting train!
Chris Thorne: Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?
J.P.: There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?
Chris Thorne: I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.
J.P.: Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?
J.P.: JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!
Fausto: So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?
Diane Lightson: Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.
J.P.: I believe it is.
Renalda: You should do a book.
J.P.: If it was an ambulance you got a chance, if it's in a hearse, it's gotta be worse!
J.P.: You might be interested to know that you are *not* under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp pad jockey! We've always been set to deal with the offenders *once* and for all at their first appearance! Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!
Chris Thorne: Congratulations, I'm glad to know thing are running smoothly for you.
[lights a cigar]
J.P.: [bellows] PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!
J.P.: I'm of the school that believes that the last thirty seconds of a person's life ought to have a little zip in them!
Chris Thorne: [after Chris insults the Reeve and falling in a chamber of squeaky toys, Diane punches him; shocked] What was that for?
Diane Lightson: [furious] How could you be so insensitive?
Chris Thorne: What do you mean? What are you talking about?
Renalda: Fausto, you better do something about this!
Fausto: Niña, you're pulling on my coat, now cool it!
Diane Lightson: I had us out of here! Then you had to go and open your big mouth!
[pulls toy out of her shirt]
Chris Thorne: *You* had us out of here? We would've been here another two hours listening to the history of the Valkenburger farm or wherever the hell we are!
Diane Lightson: I knew that I couldn't depend on you!
Chris Thorne: Listen, I don't need this! I was just trying to get us to Atlantic City... for YOU!
Diane Lightson: [sarcastic] Oh, is that right?
Chris Thorne: Yeah!
Fausto: [to Chris] You're no longer our financial advisor! You're fired!
Dennis: [the drug dealers are stopped for speeding] I'm afraid you'll have to blow.
Dealer #1: Blow *you* to get out of a ticket? Come on!
Dennis: That's not funny, I meant you'll have to use a Breathalyzer.
Dealer #1's Girlfriend: I'll blow 'im!
Dennis: Maybe later. Next century. Let's go.
Dealer #2's Girlfriend: [laughing as they see Judge Valkenheiser] Oh my God! Would you look at his face? Is that nose rubber?
Dealer #1: Hey, I don't want you, I want Judge Wapner.
Dealer #2: I have to plead to the Fifth Dimension.
J.P.: [at the dinner table, a meat grinder makes a whining noise like a dog] How do you like your dog?
Diane Lightson: They're serving dog?
J.P.: Oh, no, no, no ,*hot* dogs, *hot* dogs. Dutch country, prized Hereford winners.
Diane Lightson: [relieved] Oh! Hot dogs!
J.P.: [asking about Chris' job] Banker?
Chris Thorne: No, not banker. Financial publisher. "Thorne Weekly"?
J.P.: Ok, banker.
Diane Lightson: How long have you been divorced?
Chris Thorne: Four years.
Diane Lightson: Do you still love her.
Chris Thorne: Nah, been over her for... weeks.
Chris Thorne: Fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.
J.P.: Y'know, you are worse than a week of yellow shitstorms.
J.P.: Welcome to Supper! How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?
Chris Thorne: Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.
Mike the Doorman: Evening, Mr. Thorne.
Chris Thorne: [getting out of the car] 110 blocks in less than 15 minutes, not bad for a one-eyed Russian immigrant.
Chris Thorne: I should have known. A Brazillionaire never forgets.
Chris Thorne: You may kiss the bride.
Chris Thorne: Oh, not in front of all these people, your honor.
J.P.: [yelling] NOW!
J.P.: No choice now but house policy.
J.P.: Fine, house policy! *What's* house policy?
Chris Thorne: Well, whatever man she touches is the one she keeps!
Chris Thorne: Aw, no!
[Eldona carries him off happily]
Chris Thorne: Oh, come on, all I did run a goddamn stoplight! I just want to get to Atlantic City!
Digital Underground member: [referring to Miss Purdah] Man, she is one ugly, cross-burnin', redneck, peckerwood, police bitch, man.
[passing two dirty bikers]
Chris Thorne: Evil Knievel and Mr. Clean.
Renalda: I didn't forget the butter. It was Antonio, Antonio, the butler, forgot the butter.
[passing by three half-buried dolphin statues]
Chris Thorne: So that's where they buried Flipper.
[passing a group of hillbillies]
Chris Thorne: Morning. Sell pork bellies, buy gold.
[Eldona is about to throw Diane into an oil well after being chased by Bobo and L'il Debbull]
L'il Debbull: Eldona's got her, that's good.
Bobo: That's not good!
L'il Debbull: No, that's not good!
Chris Thorne: [after being stopped by Dennis, a police officer] Folks, meet Andy Griffith!
Renalda: Ày, Fausto, you are going to make me swim through toxics! Ày, Fausto, Fausto, I cannot believe it!
Fausto: Baby, we've got to swim to the freeway!
Dennis: [abou tthe criminals] Would you watch things around here for a minute? I'm gonna go for a smoke.
Miss Purdah: Go for a smoke? But, Dennis, they've got guns, drugs! One of 'em tried to kill ya! I'm stayin' to watch!
Diane Lightson: [to Chris] I didn't mean what I said when I told you to save yourself. Get your ass back down here and SAVE ME!
Dennis: [about Chris and company] I recommend fine, bond, and release.
J.P.: Ah, tut tut tut tut! What else you wanna do for them, bake 'em a pie?
Diane Lightson: [about the judge] Does he treat all traffic violators this graciously?
Dennis: Only ones he takes a special interest in, like bankers.
Fausto: Wait, I'm entitled to one phone call.
Dennis: Surely, and you're more than welcome to make one, *if* we had a phone.
J.P.: Where's that no-good, dog food eatin' grandson of mine... DENNIS!
J.P.: [Chris tries to hit him in the thigh] I left that leg in France... and now, I'M GONNA STICK YOU! I'm gonna dig so many new holes in you, you're gonna look like a salt shaker!
Fausto: [as they leave a car and go into a building to a party] 20 minutes, hello, good-bye.
Renalda: [in the elevator] Chris, come, I save it for you.
Fausto: That's what she says to all the guys.
J.P.: [asking Chris if he takes Eldona to be his wife]
Chris Thorne: [stuttering] I di...
Chris Thorne: [stuttering] bu...
Chris Thorne: [stuttering] I can'...
J.P.: Speak up!
Chris Thorne: [sweating] I do. I do.
Chris Thorne: All this is about some hustler who dumped on you, right? Isn't it? Well, what about Suntz? Really? I mean, what were planning on doing when you got down to Atlantic City and confronted him? Slap his face in front of a roomful of investors? That's a helluva way to break up with a guy if that's what you were doing.
Chris Thorne: So you picked the wrong guy. Happens to the best of us. I've been through this. You know, when it come to love, there's no accounting for taste.
[jokes at Diane]
Chris Thorne: Hell, I used to married to Imelda Marcos.
Chris Thorne: You don't have to put yourself through this. A guy like that's gonna bury himself anyway. He doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him.
Diane Lightson: I'm just such a jerk. I mean, why do I always pick the wrong guy? I mean, I'm... I'm so trusting...
Diane Lightson: and so gullible.
[kisses Chris again and continues it]
Diane Lightson: I mean, I don't know why I'm such a pushover. I mean I'm such a sucker. Mmm. Mmm. I just... love a pretty face. Oh! Oh, it's so... Oh, it's so embarrassing.
Diane Lightson: Oh! Ooh! I better lie down.
[sprints towards the bed]
Diane Lightson: Oh, you're nothing but trouble. Ooh! Oh!