M*A*S*H (TV Series 1972–1983) Poster


Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce



  • Hawkeye : War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.

    Father Mulcahy : How do you figure, Hawkeye?

    Hawkeye : Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?

    Father Mulcahy : Sinners, I believe.

    Hawkeye : Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

  • Frank Burns : This is the last straw!

    Hawkeye : Remind me to order more straws.

  • Frank Burns : I know I'm a real asset.

    Hawkeye : You're only off by two letters.

  • Radar : [on the phone with the US]  Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there?

    Hawkeye : Well, it's today here.

    B.J. : It's always today here.

    Hawkeye : Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?

    B.J. : Good point.

    Hawkeye : Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!

  • Frank Burns : Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.

    Hawkeye : Very good, Frank.

    B.J. : They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

  • Hawkeye : Blow in my ear.

    Margaret : What?

    Hawkeye : I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.

  • [as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field] 

    B.J. : What's Frank up to?

    Hawkeye : I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

  • Hawkeye : Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.

  • Hawkeye : I'm too frightened to be scared.

  • [Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye] 

    Hawkeye : Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.

  • Frank Burns : You disgust me!

    Hawkeye : You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.

  • Hawkeye : Insanity is just a state of mind

  • [to Margaret] 

    Hawkeye : Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?

  • [South Koreans are being taught to speak English] 

    Frank Burns : We're making real progress.

    Hawkeye : I can tell. You have a Korean accent.

  • Frank Burns : Why don't you guys like me?

    Hawkeye : Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.

    Frank Burns : Aside from that.

    B.J. : Well, there's your pimples.

    Frank Burns : My pores won't close.

  • Father Mulcahy : [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible]  Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.

    Hawkeye : If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.

  • Hawkeye : [speaking to Klinger]  Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.

  • Hawkeye : If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.

  • Hawkeye : How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

  • Hawkeye : [after discovering a patient that is a baby]  Boy, did his draft board go crazy!

  • Hawkeye : [in describing the Swamp]  We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.

  • Margaret : I am a woman, after all.

    Hawkeye : [turning to Burns]  Is that true, Frank?

  • [Calling Maj. Freedman] 

    Hawkeye : Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?

  • Frank Burns : All right, where's my razor?

    Hawkeye : Been shaving your legs again, Frank?

  • Trapper : They got a lot of guts.

    Hawkeye : And they keep serving them.

  • Trapper : Take a walk, Frank.

    Hawkeye : Yeah, take a major walk.

  • Hawkeye : Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.

  • Hawkeye : You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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