Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
Radar: [takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
B.J.: No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.
PA System: Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
Radar: My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
[about Hawkeye and BJ]
Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
Frank Burns: That's not my department, sir - intelligence is something I try to avoid.
Father Mulcahy: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.
Col. Potter: Anybody hurt?
Father Mulcahy: Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.
Col. Potter: No-one else inside?
Father Mulcahy: No.
Col. Potter: Thank God.
Father Mulcahy: I already did.
Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.
Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.
[PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded]
PA System: Attention all personnel . Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled.
Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!
Col. Potter: You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?
Klinger: I call it "Food for Freedom"!
Col. Potter: I call it "Suicide by Salami"!
Klinger: I'll take my chances!
Col. Potter: Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.
Klinger: I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.
Colonel Flagg: You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.
Charles: [to a patient in cardiac arrest] Live! That's an order!
Frank Burns: Attention all Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one.
Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
B.J.: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.
[some wounded arrive during the night]
PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - we interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare.
Radar: [on the phone with the US] Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there?
Hawkeye: Well, it's today here.
B.J.: It's always today here.
Hawkeye: Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?
B.J.: Good point.
Hawkeye: Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!
Henry Blake: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.
Trapper: [after being asked a question] How should I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.
Frank Burns: It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.
Father Mulcahy: [offering to go through the local black market, for needed medicines] You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with.
Frank Burns: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
Frank Burns: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
Frank Burns: I love it here.
Col. Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.
Radar: Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.
Henry Blake: I was born with someone waiting to see me.
Radar: Sir, I was just crossing the compound when...
Frank Burns: I have no interest in the compound.
Klinger: He has no compound-interest.
[Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know.
[there has been a long wait for a large load of wounded people]
PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel... the wounded you've all been waiting for has finally arrived in person... report to the Big Top immediately; the circus is about to begin.
Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.
Father Mulcahy: [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.
Hawkeye: If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.
[as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field]
B.J.: What's Frank up to?
Hawkeye: I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
[South Koreans are being taught to speak English]
Frank Burns: We're making real progress.
Hawkeye: I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
[Calling Maj. Freedman]
Hawkeye: Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?
Frank Burns: I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot?
Frank Burns: Why don't you guys like me?
Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
Frank Burns: Aside from that.
B.J.: Well, there's your pimples.
Frank Burns: My pores won't close.
Col. Potter: [Potter, Hawkeye & BJ are drinking in the Swamp] Y'know, I had a still, on Guam. One night, it blew up!
[leans forward conspiratorially]
Col. Potter: That's how I got my Purple Heart.
Col. Potter: The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.
Hawkeye: If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.
Charles: Hunnicutt, I've known a lot of people in my life. You are not among them.
Colonel Lambert: [describing General Mitchell] Honest, true blue as the day is long, and about as interesting as a five-pound bag of fertilizer.
Hawkeye: [in describing the Swamp] We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.
Frank Burns: Courage is something you shouldn't be afraid to have.
Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
Henry Blake: Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.
Hawkeye: Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.
PA System Announcer: Hear ye, Hear ye, it's 0700 and all is hell. Incoming wounded, folks.
Hawkeye: [after discovering a patient that is a baby] Boy, did his draft board go crazy!
Klinger: Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters.
Charles: I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Frank Burns: You disgust me!
Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.
Hawkeye: [speaking to Klinger] Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.
B.J.: [handing Frank an unused Hari-Kari knife] Why don't you do us a favour, and break it in!
Hawkeye: How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.
[it is extremely hot outside]
PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - incoming wounded. Out of the frying pan and into the O.R.
Charles: [Looking for Klinger, and wielding a butcher knife] Where is that Lebanese mongoose?
Radar: Will Scotch be all right for everybody, sir?
Henry Blake: Yeah, fine, Radar - perfect.
Radar: [offering a drink to Captain Sloan] Uh, I ran out of ice sir, so I used bourbon.
PA System: Attention all personnel. Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800.
Frank Burns: I don't see why the American taxpayer has to pay for a wedding between these two *pagans*.
Margaret: They're not pagans, Frank. Everyone's going to be wearing clothes.
Frank Burns: [Grabs Margaret's arm to keep her from walking away from him] Margaret, can't we please talk about this?
Margaret: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee.
[Frank removes his hand]
B.J.: Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgetable. Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?
[some wounded arrive during the night]
PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - this is your wake-up call.
Henry Blake: [to Frank and Hot Lips] You two have gone over my head so many times I have athlete's scalp.
Henry Blake: [Reacting to a complaint filed by Majors Houlihan and Burns] Boy, those two poops are gonna drive me dippy!