What do you get when you take three former B+ list actors (one only in a cameo role) and have them perform in front of the camera for a director who last directed a film about six years ago? You get "Cell." (I think this film torpedoed the director's career.) I have to classify this as a B movie, only because of its complete lack of originality. If it had bad acting (instead of the no acting it has in it), bad special effects and bad costumes like the B movies of yore, then this would be a C movie simply because it's not even as creative as an old B movie. At least those old-timers tried to come up with something new. The folks that worked on this didn't seem to try. Seriously, there's nothing original enough in this to make it worth watching.
I'm giving this film three barely-deserved stars simply because it's technically acceptable - the cinematography, sound and all that are fine. The story not so much.
This is one of those films you can watch for the first 10 minutes and the last five minutes and get pretty much everything you need. I wish I'd done that, as I'm behind on trimming my nose hairs. (Yes, it takes at least an hour; I need new string for the weed whacker.) I had an almost overwhelming urge to check my phone throughout the movie, but given the plot I figured it would be a good idea for me to do that. I had to find some other way to occupy myself as the movie played, because the movie wasn't using up more than maybe 3.2% of my brain.
This is a move as original as all the other mindless, murderous hordes movies. This even includes scary, inhuman mouth agape screams from the not-zombies. (They're alive, unlike zombies, but they might as well be dead.)
To give you an idea of how... silly, I guess... this was, one of the songs heard that sort of lulled the non-zombies into a state of stupid non-zombie-ness was the "Trololo Song." You know the one - the freaky Russian guy singing/laughing his way through a song on some cheap Russian TV set. Yeah, they used that song. (My guess: it was free to use. More money to be spent on "hookers and blow" for the wrap party.)
Here's a great (as in, stupid) quote for you (the only one I remember): "Open up, we're Americans." Understandably that's something they'd need to clarify BECAUSE THEY'RE FRICKIN' IN AMERICA. It's like knocking on a door and in your deepest, most masculine voice you say "Open up, I'm a man." Gimme' a break.
An ice cream truck is part of the story. Seeing the characters drive around in it I was really hoping for jolly music or bells and a horde of non-zombie kids running after it, all wanting cold treats. You can't go on a mindless murderous rampage on an empty stomach. (I also don't recommend watching this movie on an empty stomach. They say to eat bananas if you think you'll barf because they taste the same coming up as they did going down. You're welcome.)
Another quote: "Ray, what's the around your neck?" I already knew. That question alone answered itself as long as you keep up on weird news. 'Nuff said.
There's ONE reason and one reason only to watch this movie. You will see a very, very minor character, the one with the Electrolarynx electronic voice box (what a strange, pointless thing to include in a film) that I SWEAR is proof that WALTER MATTHAU AND BILL MURRAY HAD A LOVE CHILD. I'm absolutely serious here. At first I thought, "Wow, a Bill Murray cameo." Then I thought, "No, not Bill Murray, but wow, that looks kinda' like Walter Matthau, although I know he's dead." Then I realized "It's Bill Murray AND Walter Matthau - the offspring of an unholy union between two great performers.
And now I come to the end of my review. So, dear readers, do you want to know what exactly caused cell phones to emit dangerous signals that turned ordinary distracted zombie-like people into non-zombies? THE THING THAT CAUSED ALL THE MAYHEM WAS...
And now you know just as much as I and all the other victims of this film know.
I'm giving this film three barely-deserved stars simply because it's technically acceptable - the cinematography, sound and all that are fine. The story not so much.
This is one of those films you can watch for the first 10 minutes and the last five minutes and get pretty much everything you need. I wish I'd done that, as I'm behind on trimming my nose hairs. (Yes, it takes at least an hour; I need new string for the weed whacker.) I had an almost overwhelming urge to check my phone throughout the movie, but given the plot I figured it would be a good idea for me to do that. I had to find some other way to occupy myself as the movie played, because the movie wasn't using up more than maybe 3.2% of my brain.
This is a move as original as all the other mindless, murderous hordes movies. This even includes scary, inhuman mouth agape screams from the not-zombies. (They're alive, unlike zombies, but they might as well be dead.)
To give you an idea of how... silly, I guess... this was, one of the songs heard that sort of lulled the non-zombies into a state of stupid non-zombie-ness was the "Trololo Song." You know the one - the freaky Russian guy singing/laughing his way through a song on some cheap Russian TV set. Yeah, they used that song. (My guess: it was free to use. More money to be spent on "hookers and blow" for the wrap party.)
Here's a great (as in, stupid) quote for you (the only one I remember): "Open up, we're Americans." Understandably that's something they'd need to clarify BECAUSE THEY'RE FRICKIN' IN AMERICA. It's like knocking on a door and in your deepest, most masculine voice you say "Open up, I'm a man." Gimme' a break.
An ice cream truck is part of the story. Seeing the characters drive around in it I was really hoping for jolly music or bells and a horde of non-zombie kids running after it, all wanting cold treats. You can't go on a mindless murderous rampage on an empty stomach. (I also don't recommend watching this movie on an empty stomach. They say to eat bananas if you think you'll barf because they taste the same coming up as they did going down. You're welcome.)
Another quote: "Ray, what's the around your neck?" I already knew. That question alone answered itself as long as you keep up on weird news. 'Nuff said.
There's ONE reason and one reason only to watch this movie. You will see a very, very minor character, the one with the Electrolarynx electronic voice box (what a strange, pointless thing to include in a film) that I SWEAR is proof that WALTER MATTHAU AND BILL MURRAY HAD A LOVE CHILD. I'm absolutely serious here. At first I thought, "Wow, a Bill Murray cameo." Then I thought, "No, not Bill Murray, but wow, that looks kinda' like Walter Matthau, although I know he's dead." Then I realized "It's Bill Murray AND Walter Matthau - the offspring of an unholy union between two great performers.
And now I come to the end of my review. So, dear readers, do you want to know what exactly caused cell phones to emit dangerous signals that turned ordinary distracted zombie-like people into non-zombies? THE THING THAT CAUSED ALL THE MAYHEM WAS...
And now you know just as much as I and all the other victims of this film know.