Review of Old 37

Old 37 (2015)
5/10
Old 37
24 August 2016
Warning: Spoilers
Growing up with a fruitcake paramedic father with a taste for blood (he never got over it after the war!), two adult men (horror icons, Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley) were truly effed up by his upbringing, although their mom tried as she might to show them some semblance of family love and affection. Well, the two operate a car salvage yard and on their spare time hunt down wrecking motorists when they dial 911 from in short distance. How do they hunt? By pretending to be paramedics, even owning an ambulance, surprising unsuspecting victims by bringing the ultraviolence, that's how.

The movie alternates between flashbacks detailing the ghoulish memories of Hodder and Moseley and Caitlin Harris' gradual transition from cool, individualistic "misfit" (she's not part of the whole popular crowd) to silicone-boobed, blond-colored, desperate-for-attention Heather. There's also high school's It crowd Caitlin is not fond of yet inexplicably decides to eventually mimic…because of a boy, of course! Caitlin and her mom have conversations about the men in their lives, and the eventual boob job gets plenty of rub. Daftly, Caitlin's friend is murdered because of a car stunt involving legs split on two cars while driving at high speeds (the blond diva of the teens feels overshadowed and causes her beau to lose his attention while driving!) and fades into the script's ether…it is included strictly to make the kids who decide to keep it all a secret all the more unfavorable.

I could care less about the miscreants that made up the teens, but there is a good bit of attention towards them in the first part of the movie. It is only later that finally the film emphasizes Moseley and Hodder's horrific childhoods (Moseley is definitely warped by the experience, ridiculing Hodder endlessly, even responsible for his facial disfiguring resulting in the wearing of a mouth mask) and gets to them killing folks. Moseley has been pretty much typecast as the backwoods psycho, but he continues to somehow summon the gravitas to make the characters he plays watchable. He's a charismatic presence, no doubt about that. I have to guess he's bored with this by now, though. "Dead Air" (2009) proved he could play a character that is right the opposite to his usual nutjobs, but he's so incredibly busy (just look at his schedule, it is astounding) the money offered beats unemployment, I guess. Hodder will always be employed as long as he brings the menace like he does here. Still, they are actually underused despite their heavy billing in the cast. As far as their extracurricular activities: the violence is mostly out of frame. A saw to the throat squirts blood, but a majority of knife-stabbing and saw dicing is implied not explicitly elaborated…a no-no for those who typically watch this kind of movie. Like horror movies of today, aesthetically, it is all desaturated with brown and grey prevalent…it is all sepia-centric. This has the Alan Smithee title for the director in the credits so it is clear that Christian Winters wasn't fond of the finished product…I think his decision has merit as it is a tale of two movies both fighting for supremacy.
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