artpf Reviews

And Then There Were None (1945)

Time has Passed it By

[2/10 · 17 January 2014]

Ten people are invited for a weekend on an island by a Mr U. N. Own.

But he isn't on the island.

At dinner a record is played.

By that all the people are accused of murder.

Suddenly the first of them is dead.

Then the next.

It seems to be that one of them is the murderer Mr. U. N. Own.

But the person in suspect is always the person who is murdered next.

At last only two people seem to be left.

I was never a huge fan of Agatha Christie and time has passed her by. Same with this film. Slow, talkie, little action. Lots of over acting.

You'd do way better watching some Columbo episodes if you want a good mystery. Plus, you know who did it before the first commercial.

Chamber of Horrors (1940)

Better than the Average

[6/10 · 17 January 2014]

A murder is found to be connected to a false heir and a secret underground torture chamber.

So many of these movies were made in the 30s and early 40s.

Prior to the Film noir of the next decade.

Some are better than others. This one is a bit above the average.

There's a funny scene with the girl in the bath and when she gets out, another woman wraps her in a plaid towel. When she pulls it around her you can see she' wearing bloomers.

The sets are opulent as was the case back then and there's lots of fun intrigue.

Give it a shot on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Die Before I Wake (2007 Video)

You'll Die Before it's Over

[1/10 · 17 January 2014]

Quarantined woman hunted by sniper.

I was intrigued how this movie, made for no money, got and 8.5 review.

Well now it's clear. People who worked on this movie rated it.

It's not a good flick at all.

Bad bad music track is the first thing you'll note. It's not appropriate for what's going on.

Then it rambles with even worse music. At the 4 minute mark, you want to pull your hair out because it's so bad.

Lots of voice over that are just dumb.

The acting is dismal. There's no real story or characters you care about. And the directing is horrible.

Butterfly (2010)

Just Bloody Awful

[1/10 · 17 January 2014]

Butterfly is a suspense/horror hybrid about NICK COLE, a straight-to- video horror director who is kidnapped by, LANEY.

She's an over zealous fan.

And determined to impress him with her own film project.

The situation goes from bad to worse when Cole realizes that the murders in Laney's film are real.

The victims are all people from his own dark past.

Whenever a movie starts with a super hot chick stripping, you think...hmmmm this will be good or hmmm this is gonna suck.

Well the girl has the bod but not the acting chops. Just the chop. The film is horrible.Little real action and lots of boring talk.

IMDb says the film was made for $250K. I'd honestly say more like $25K.

It's THAT bad.

Devil's Pass (2013)

A Big Disappointment

[3/10 · 16 January 2014]

The Dyatlov Pass follows a group of American students on a trek to investigate the true life mystery of nine Russian skiers who befell unexplained deaths while skiing in the Russian mountains in 1959.

To this day, their deaths have been one of the most bizarre unsolved mysteries of the 20th century.

Typical Blair Witch sort of direction that's done better than most of this genre.

The problem with it however is that it's very talkie and there is a really slow build. Halfway through the movie nothing has really happened yet!

The payoff then is too little too late. Too bad/ Could have been so much better.

The Hitch-Hiker (1953)

Good with a Fatal Flaw

[6/10 · 16 January 2014]

Two carefree young travelers make the mistake of their lives when they pick up a mysterious, and slightly psychotic, hitch-hiker who never closes his right eye -- even when he sleeps!

Film Noir...why don't they make these kinds of flicks today. They are so cool.

Anyway, supposedly based upon a true story.

It's a relatively well done foray into film noir, with one major flaw that draws the film down half way through.

If there are two strong guys and another guy with a gun and the guy with the gun tells you he's going to kill you no matter what, but not telling you when, then you really have nothing left to lose.

So at some point don't you try to jump him? They have numerous opportunities. And related to this -- why does the bad guy even want the two of them around? Pleasant conversation? They are a weight to him and represent the possibility of doom for him, so why not put an end to them and go it alone?

If you can put this lack of logic aside, it's a fun film.

The Scarlet Worm (2011)

Do not Believe the hype

[1/10 · 16 January 2014]

A middle-aged hired gun named Print (Aaron Stielstra) is obsessed with having style and poetry to his assassinations.

He has been working with loyalty for his boss, Mr. Paul (Montgomery Ford), for years. But his latest assignment - the killing of a brothel owner (Dan van Husen) who mandates cruel abortions on his whores - presents two challenges.

He must train a young understudy during the assignment, and he's been told to pull off the killing "quick and dirty" -- which may not leave time for Print's usual, obsessively imaginative methods.

OK firstly, the only reviews for this movie are stellar. Guess what that means? They are written by shills who worked on the film.

This move is absolutely horrible. Laboriously directed and no acting and poor writing. The hookers are hideous.

Stay away.

Hell's Angels '69 (1969)

Good for the Genre

[6/10 · 16 January 2014]

Two brothers have a plan on how to rob the Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas.

They join a motorcycle gang and while the others are drinking and partying outside of town, they change their clothes and head off to rob the casino.

Of course, the police do not look for two well dressed criminals among the Hell's Angels.

Not a fan of this genre, but this is actually a good little movie with real Hell's Angels.

Interesting to take a look back at Las Vegas in the 60s too.

Sartana's Here... Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin (1970)

Mindless Fun in the Genre

[7/10 · 16 January 2014]

Sartana, bounty hunter and gunfighter, witnesses the robbery of a shipment of gold.

He finds his way into town where he meets with a lot of suspicious stares from the locals. He also meets with Samuel Spencer, who seems to own the company in this company town.

The gold shipments are being stolen, so Spencer agrees to hire Sartana to protect the next gold shipment. Numerous dull-witted villains make attempts on Sartana's life, but he survives.

Eventually, Sartana's nemesis Sabbath (he of the white coat and parasol) rides into town. With a showdown inevitable, Sartana and Sabbath square off to settle the score.

I wasn't going to watch this movie because i'm not such a huge fan of spaghetti western, but it's actually quite good. Sartana is a Clint Eastwood clone in looks and acting.

There's more than its share of continual shoot outs to make the movie move along. The story doesn't really matter so much. The action is fun.

It's a mindless but fun 90 minutes.

Undercover Heat (1995 Video)

One of the Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

[1/10 · 16 January 2014]

A female cop goes undercover in a high price whorehouse to find a murderer and discovers she likes the assignment more than she should.

Good for her. This movie is an abomination. This is zero acting ability, zero story, the writing is horrendous and it appears they just stuck a camera on the ground and filmed because there is no direction either.

And the sound is out of sync by a second which makes the entire affair annoying.

I cannot tell you enough to stay away from this horrible horrible movie! There is not one redeeming aspect to it. Not one.

Ms. Cannibal Holocaust (2012 Video)

Worst Movie in 12 months

[1/10 · 15 January 2014]

The remaining tenants of a rundown poverty-row apartment building, one day away from demolition, suddenly find themselves under siege by a cannibal cult that has been terrorizing the city.

Their preacher like female leader known only as "The Woman".

Why this preacher has picked them as her latest victims is unknown. But her plan for them is clear - they WILL know pain, they WILL know fear, and they WILL know suffering before she kills each and every one of them.

With all their connections to the outside world severed, the tenants can only do their best to holdout before they are hunted down.

And consumed. Then hope seems to arrive in the form of a second woman... but is this "Girl" there to save them, or does she have her own agenda with the cult. And specifically "The Woman"?

And how has she come about these special powers to aid her in her thirst for revenge? She's coming. And vengeance will be upon them.

Sure. It sucks. Ignore the 7.2 rating given by the clowns involved in this travesty. It is categorically the worst movie I've seen in a year.

Acting, story, direction, special effects -- all suck.

Natural Demise (2010)

Horrible

[1/10 · 14 January 2014]

Because people aren't perfect, Jesse Lincoln takes matters into his own hands by using his abilities and demon, but perfectionist behavior, to carve and butcher and then wire his victims back together.

Jesse designs a computer chip in which he inserts one into his victim's head and another into their lower back. He wants each of them programmed exactly how he wants them to be, perfect. Jesse wants to create his perfect family.

While on vacation, the girls meet a group of criminals who are working on the farm to serve their sentence by doing community service.

These lonely gals and tired guys eventually cross paths and mingle, but for the most part trying to save each other from the perfectionist psycho, Jesse Lincoln.

this is loosely the plot but it takes all your muster to figure that out. The movie is horrible. Absolutely rambling with no purpose and horrible.

Psycho Holocaust (2009)

Back to the 70s

[5/10 · 14 January 2014]

On a scorching summer day 6 friends venture into the mountains for one more vacation before their lives change forever.

Unbeknownst to them, their lives would forever be changed anyway.

In the shadows awaits a pack of the most evil, the most vile, rejects of humanity that's addicted to violence and thirsty for blood!

This is Psycho Holocaust.

Weird flick that is directed very much like those early 70s films. Only this was made in 2009. A lot of the acting sucks just like those 70s movies of this ilk and the story line is sort of dumb. Also the sound is excruciatingly low.

It's not a great film, but if you like those weird 70s horror flicks like last house on the left, i spit on your grave, don't look in the basement, etc, etc. you might like this a bit.

Honestly, if you didn't see the newer model cars in the picture, you'd think you were back in 1974.

Quicksand (1950)

Nice Film Noir

[8/10 · 12 January 2014]

Motor mechanic Dan Brady lacks funds for a heavy date with new waitress Vera. The type whose life's ambition is a fur coat. So he embezzles twenty dollars from his employer. To make up the shortage, he goes in debt for a hundred.

Thereafter, every means he tries to get out of trouble only gets him deeper into crime, while everyone he meets is out for what they can get.

Mickey Rooney not as Andy Hardy and a very understated Peter Lorre.

Very good film noir. You'll enjoy it. Odd that movies like this aren't made any more.

Hold Your Breath (2012)

Another Bad One

[1/10 · 12 January 2014]

There is an old wives' tale that you should hold your breath when passing by a cemetery lest an evil spirit rejected by both heaven and hell gets inside of you when you inhale.

Someone in a carload of college kids on holiday doesn't hold his/her breath when driving by a graveyard. This allows the spirit of an executed serial killer to get inside him/her to begin a spree of body- jumping carnage.

Oy horrible.

I never heard this tale before. And I hope I don't again. The film starts off horribly unbelievably. Then it cuts to present time but the film is horrible.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1910)

Interesting early take

[7/10 · 12 January 2014]

Chased off by the antics of Hank the Mule, Dorothy ends up in her cornfield, where she realizes her family's Scarecrow is alive. She helps him down and he takes a tumble on the turnstyle. A cyclone soon arrives and leaves Dorothy, Scarecrow, Toto and Hank spinning around on a haystack, with Imogene the Cow flying soon after. Soon after their arrival, the Wizard of Oz issues a public decree that he is a humbug, to make sure no one ever finds out.

Glinda pops up out of the background and transforms Toto into a man in a bulldog suit to serve as a better protector for Dorothy. Then they encounter the Tin Woodman, the Cowardly Lion, and Eureka. Nevertheless, she is captured by Momba, the Wicked Witch of the West (suggesting Baum thought the other witches were Mombe, Mombo, and Mombu, in keeping with the council in _Queen Zixi of Ix_) and her flying lizards and soldiers. Dorothy defeats Momba, and they arrive at the Emerald City just in time for the Wizard's going away party.

Very strange short. Donkeys humping straw and then there's the tornado which for some reason they call a cyclone. The entire movie is done on stage. There's a witch called Momba. The story is not like the musical but it's an interesting film and the special effects are pretty cool for 1910

The Dorm That Dripped Blood (1982)

Kinda Crappy

[3/10 · 12 January 2014]

Joanne, Patty, Brian, and Craig prepare the old dorm building to be torn down.

They are pursued by a serial killer with a wide range of murder methods, ranging from power drill to industrial steam cooker.

Is it that spooky weird guy John Hemmit killing off the incidental characters, or is it someone/thing even more terrifying?

This movie was copyrighted in '82 but it has a very mid-late 70's look and feel to it. There's even a guy doing a weird John Belushi impersonation.

Typical fare that you're used to is you watch slasher movies. The kids get picked off one by one.

Only it's not really suspenseful nor is it all that good of a movie.

The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

Watch and Learn what We Sat through years ago

[6/10 · 12 January 2014]

A couple of teenagers are reported missing in a small Texas town, and it is thought they eloped.

Sheriff Jeff turns to his friend, Clarence Winstead, a garage mechanic and leader of a hot-rod gang for help. A series of tragic motor accidents occur and it becomes apparent that a giant Gila monster is roaming the area and depleting the town of its citizens and passer-throughs, including two hot-rodding teen-agers.

And might have plans on attending the BIG record-hop party.

This is a movie where taking a sobriety test means breathing into the sheriff's face! Like it's companion piece -- Attack of the Killer Shrews, it's not going to change the world, but it's very watchable.

A Day of Violence (2010)

No Payoff

[3/10 · 11 January 2014]

Mitchell Parker lies dead on a morgue slab.

In life, 'Mitchell' served the low ranks of Debt Collectors, surrounded by all the filth and scum that the world had to offer. He thought his luck was in, when on a routine collection he stumbles across 100,000 in cash, hidden in the sofa of one of his clients.

dark and haunting past hangs over the head of 'Mitchell Parker', one that will lead him on a journey of redemption and ultimately sacrifice. Hunted by the gang whose Money he has stolen. He must evade capture and use the money to rid himself of his demons once and for all. Witness his last days of life.

Kind of a bad Brit flick that starts like a porn film. Lots of screaming, but little of interest goes on.

Take it or leave it. I don't think it really delivers.

The Magnificent Dead (2010)

Very Original Undead/Vampirish Story

[7/10 · 11 January 2014]

The Magnificent Dead takes place in the 1870's in the small Texas town of Rosewood where local rancher Jared Hamilton and his men have declared war on the town, using fear and death to prevent a new railroad line from coming through. Guided by a priest, Father Julian the desperate town leaders decide to hire a group of six gunmen to help clean up the town.

These gunmen are legendary, as they are afflicted with Leprosy and fight with reckless abandon and ruthlessness, for they have nothing to lose.

Very odd and interesting movie. Well done overall. Don't expect a lot of crazy action from frame one. This movie builds slowly but it really is interesting in its understated way. Most of the acting is acceptable to good.

Some of the movie is a bit disjointed, but it's rather original. There's a bit of a disconnect in terms of who these leprosy guys are because they seem to come back to life after being shot.

For sure, the movie loses steam in the last third, but still, I'm scoring this based on originality and actually trying to make something cool.

Insecticidal (2005)

It will make you buggy

[1/10 · 11 January 2014]

Cami is a dedicated student of entomology that is researching insects in her sorority house. When her sorority sister Josi sprays insecticide on her bugs, Cami becomes upset.

But soon she learns that the insects had grown bigger and bigger and she and her sisters are under siege by the insects. Further, Josi is the host of the breed of mutant insects that are very hungry.

The premise makes no sense. Why when you kill an insect do all the insects get big? Whatever. The movie looks like a Sci Fi channel film -- complete with bad CGI, except there's also sex and nudity thrown in. Including an idiotic shower scene where a girl is having the most erotic plain shower.

They also threw in a bare chested long haired guy in the beginning who looks like he's a wrestler or something. The problem is he's supposed to be dating a college girl and he looks 45. The women all look 30

The acting is horrendous. And the sex scenes are absolutely horrible. The special effects are so bad.

The only saving grace is it sort of doesn't take itself too seriously, but that's good for about 5 seconds cuz this is a bad bad film.

Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Worst TCM Yet

[2/10 · 10 January 2014]

After the first massacre in 1974, the townspeople suspected that the Sawyer family were responsible.

A vigilante mob of enraged locals surrounded the Sawyer house, burning it to the ground and killing every last member of the family. Decades later a young woman named Heather learns that she has inherited a Texas estate from her grandmother.

She decides to bring her friends along on the road trip to investigate her inheritance. On arrival she uncovers she has inherited a mansion but is yet to uncover the terrors that lurk in the basement below it.

Starts off as a flashback then to the present. No Idea how a mansion came to be with a bunch of inbred hillbillies. Missed that explanation. It's sort of a dumb story.

Only real saving grace is the girl's hot orange shorty shorts. Best bum I've seem in a decade.

Anyway, i digress....a guy who's ransacking the mansion come upon a locked door in the basement and things start to go very wrong.

The problem with this movie is it makes no sense. There is no story. Just violence for violence sake.

Women's Studies (2010)

Awful

[1/10 · 8 January 2014]

Women's Studies is the story of a pregnant grad student and her friends who are held captive at a women's academy that's actually a cult of feminists bent on the enslavement of men.

A look at group think, women's issues, and how blind belief in a one- sided dogma can create a terrorist.

Sure.

Horrible rambling talkie movie that I thought was written and directed by a chick. How wrong I was. It's by some poseur named Lonnie who has directed a handful of shorts. Figures. He doesn't know how to make a feature.

Hint to Lonnie: when you make a flick like this and there a scene where a girl changes into her tennis duds, we actually want to SEE the naked body. If you don't get that you must be a bit light on the loafers.

The Darkening (2012)

The Darkening of my TV

[2/10 · 8 January 2014]

When a young man and his wife return to his hometown after an absence of twenty years in an effort to end his chronological nightmares from witnessing his mother brutally murdered as a young boy, a dark and mysterious stranger begins killing local townsfolk.

The young man becomes the prime suspect and must uncover the truth behind his connection to the Darkening.

Whatever. It's very hard to pull off a serious movie on a shoestring budget. This is no exception. Dumb techniques like filing in B&W and adding idiotic music do not help the case. Slow exposition makes it unwatchable. Dismal acting doesn't help either

You Can Change the World (1950)

Very Interesting

[7/10 · 8 January 2014]

Very odd film that I had never heard of. Leo McCarey -- who had directed many of the best Laurel and Hardy films directs this.

I'm assuming that this was part of Benny's TV show since it's 26 minutes long, but I could be wrong.

It's about Benny bringing some folks over to talk about the Christopher movement -- something that urges people to change the world. Sounds like a commie plan to me.

He brings over a priest even tho he's a jew and the guy is a flamer. He wants to get people together to talk about bible studies or something. It's so frigging weird.

obama would crap his pants if this was made today.

It's really interesting to watch and has quite a lot of meaningful points that relate even today.