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john_parker1990
Reviews
1917 (2019)
Confused by the 10 star reviews...
The first 10-15 minutes of this film are, in my opinion, the best... It's not interesting or exciting after that and this is coming from a huge history fan.
The German army obviously consisted of 3 men and the air force only had 1 guy.
They should've cut down on some of the many fantastic actors that had pointless 5 minute appearances (if that) and paid some more extras.
War Horse was a million times better.
Ad Astra (2019)
Reset my password just to write this review.
The guys writing positive reviews about this film must have been smoking something whilst either a) watching it or b) writing the review... or both.
The film really is awful and "beautiful visuals" can only do so much.
You get little carrots dangled in front of you, like a war zone on the moon, crossing no man's land and needing an armed escort, pirate activity, extraterrestrial life, an underground base on Mars, a distress call from another ship...
You hear it and think YES, some action, some depth...
Oh boy, was I wrong.
I sat for the entirety of the film waiting for something to happen other than Brad Pitt commentating in a depressing, monotonous voice about his family issues.
I'm leaving this review because if you're thinking about renting/buying it, PLEASE don't, wait for it to appear somewhere free in a few years.
RED 2 (2013)
Have I watched the same film as everyone else?
The only reason this film has a 5 is due to my respect for some of the actors in it, not all of them though because Mary Louise Parker gets right on my nerves and in my opinion actually totally ruins the film. Her playing the bumbling, stupid girlfriend really angers me - it actually makes me want to strap C4 to the TV and end all of our misery. I can vaguely remember enjoying Red 1 but this is terrible. The film is running in the background as I type this, I'm being forced to watch it by my Father in Law and I'm trying to kill some time and boredom while it finishes. The plot is awful, cheesy, The FX are terrible and it's like they got to the end of the film and thought hmm, how can we sprinkle glitter on this turd for a finale...? So they threw in a Fast and the Furious Car chase and a terrible explosion.
Don't buy this, wait till it's free somewhere.
House of the Dead (2003)
It's a comedy!!
I watched this last night whilst playing on my PC. I actually started concentrating less on the game and more on this film as it went along, I even got my friend tuned in to watch it with me whilst communicating via a headset. The reason I've scored this a 2 is because its bloody comical. I don't actually know if it's supposed to be funny, but if it isn't it's that awful that it is anyway. Wait till you see the part where one of the shocking actors picks up the half eaten carcass of another shocking member of the cast and drags her in through the window... Both my friend and I were in absolute stitches.
Is no point going on and on about the actors, the set, the dialogue etc. Its a proper cheapo film, end of...How it made it to the big screen is totally beyond me, but if you want a really good laugh then get a couple of beers down you and watch this with a few mates. The film does have one saving grace and that's in the form of several half naked attractive girls... oof.
The Hunger Games (2012)
I'd fight to the death... to make sure i never have to watch this again.
When my girlfriend told me she wanted to watch this, my heart sank... The Hunger games pinged up on my "looks rubbish" radar as soon as i saw it advertised on the TV, pre release, so when i had to sit down and watch it last night I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I tried my hardest to settle down and get involved in the movie but it's just god-awful. The plot is slow, the action is 'few' and far between and plot holes are huge and numerous and the general story is (I'd love to use a swear) terrible.
I'm not quite sure who they're trying to appeal to here either. Seems too violent to be for below 15-16 year olds and is too childish for above 13 year olds, doesn't make sense to me.
When i sat down to watch the Twilight films I dreaded it, but i actually ended up really enjoying them, so it's not just me being a miserable, negative, hater, this film is just rubbish.
So, if you're thinking of buying/renting it and are reading this... for the love of God, don't. If you're being forced to watch it by a relative, be it child, girlfriend, wife etc... Be prepared for a long, boring flight. I feel your pain.
Any positives? Yes, the end credits.
The Grey (2011)
A bit grim, but not terrible.
Reading some of the reviews beforehand I sat down to watch this film expecting the worst, when it had finsihed if i said i was pleasantly surprised i'd be a liar, but it's certainly not as bad as some of the really negative reviews make out, having said that, it's certainly not as good as some of the really positive reviews make out either.
I sat watching thinking "what a load of balls" at certain points, the plane crash for instance, but then i have to remember it's only a film and if the plane had exploded into a ball of flames then we wouldn't have a film in the first place. The actors aren't that bad in my opinion, the people they portray are believable and you get the odd side story to learn a little more about them, but in no great detail. As for Neeson, he can never do any wrong by me, he'll always be Qui Gon from Star Wars in my eyes lol. He plays a pretty heartless character, although we don't know a lot about his background, you can see the pain and torment and i think he does really well putting this across, he plays it well. The other guys (relative nobody's) in it don't do too bad either, they just seem to swear a lot.
This certainly isn't a film for kids, lots of swearing and the violence is pretty.. brutal. It's a bit cold hearted in my opinion. It's doom and gloom from the word go.
Anyway i can't say much more without spoiling it. Watch it but don't expect the best, but then again give it a chance because it's not that bad.
Fortress (2012)
This film needs shooting down.
When i saw this on Sky (other Service providers available ;) ) and read the information I thought all my Birthdays had come at once... History, WW2, aerial combat, i got so excited my girlfriend had to grab a near by defib.
In a nutshell, oh my God... I'm so glad i watched it for free, what a let-down.
How some people can say the CGI is any good i really don't know. If you look at some of the outdoor scenes where the background has been mocked up it's really funny, look at the extras, you can tell they feel uncomfortable being there staring at the "green wall" in front of them, i'm sure you can even see their shadows against it at some points. Some extras in one scene (a mild party scene) even look at the camera!
As for everything else: The planes look crap, the explosions are crap, the tracer fire is crap, the flak looks crap. Some damage on the plane doesn't look too bad in all fairness but is totally unreasonable lol. Way too much gore to try and drive it all home too, if they'd of made a half decent film in the first place they wouldn't of had to worry about litres of fake, pink blood to try and make up for it.
Actors are terrible (the only face i recognised was the Sherminator from American Pie, the rest are nobody's), script is terrible (flicks from scene to scene all the time) and you go pretty much the whole film without ANY action and i mean it. People say the last 15 minutes is the best, but it really isn't, it's the most cringe worthy i think.
The real people who flew these aircraft went through real, unspeakable horrors. The flying fortresses were big, slow moving targets full of high explosive. Think what type of man it would of taken to get in that aircraft time and time again knowing the odds were stacked against you (if they were lucky enough to return from their first run). I think this film is a bit of an insult to them to be honest.
If you're really bored and have a mild interest in history then give it a watch, but by-god, don't pay for it and don't buy it on blue-ray or anything because it really won't help. Stick to the Memphis Belle, a film made 22 years ago which is 22 times better than this pile of filth.
The Last Exorcism (2010)
Did i watch the same film as everyone else?
Watched this on TV last night and it is without doubt the worst exorcism film i've ever seen. It's low budget but by god you can tell. At the end of the film you're non the wiser than you were at the beginning with no real conclusion.
Shocking, totally shocking. If you're reading this and thinking of renting /buying it, don't even bother.
The Paranormal Activity series is a low budget set of films but they really nailed it, this is just terrible. I certainly wasn't on the edge of my seat the whole way through, weren't even any cheap scares!
Shocker.
Battleship (2012)
Enjoyable but not brilliant.
Very briefly, if you're after a film with some pretty awesome action scenes, aliens and modern military hardware then this is definitely the film for you. If you're after a film with great actors, an impeccable script and un-flawed story line then it's probably not, wait for it to come out on Blu-ray.
You can't deny the action is awesome but the film has some major holes and leaves you asking a fair few questions at the end: Where did he go? What happened to him? Where's that gone?
Another thing, I'm British and i love American films, however, the "Cheese" factor in this is overpowering... It's almost a comedy in most places. I think Americans are great and i'm proud to have them as an ally, but the whole "we're awesome, we're the best, we're untouchable" thing is getting worse and worse in these type of films, i swear xD .
But yea, not a bad film, give it a go :) .
The Devil Inside (2012)
Shockingly awful from start to finish.
I'm not even going to go into any great detail... This film is terrible from start to finish and I would urge you not to waste your money going to watch it.
I like anything 'exorcism related', so when i saw the adverts for this i must admit i was quite excited, especially with all the hype surrounding it... I was severely let down to say the least. Quite honestly the adverts contain all the best and most important parts of the film, if theirs 20 minutes of action in total then that's it. To say it's supposed to be a horror film it's more laughable than anything else with no tension, build up, not even any 'cheap' jumps, i could've quite happily watched it when i was 10 and gotten a full nights sleep afterwards, let's put it that way. The cast are totally, TOTALLY wooden and i'm embarrassed to say that the British Simon Quarterman is the worst of them all, his acting was that bad i just wanted to punch him the whole way through, it's like not one of them could be bothered to do a decent job and didn't want to be in it as much as i didn't want to watch it.
Terrible story line, terrible acting, terrible everything. Please don't waste your money.