yaktheripper Reviews

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)

A Pathetic Cash Grab

[3/10 · 7 December 2014]

I'm shocked to see it's still holding a 5 rating on IMDb, what a travesty in ratings. Hellraiser 3 is a poorly acted, poorly scripted, plodding craptastic insult to special effects and slap in the face to the first 2 classics in the franchise. This is a steaming pile of cinematic garbage served with freaking puns...PUNS NOW...on the side. Some reviewers on here are giving it 5 or 6 stars...why? Why in the name of all that's Clive Barker would you give this movie an average or better than average grade? What have you been watching to think this is an average movie people? And...8's? 9's? 10's? TENS EVEN!?! People...you're being bamboozled I tell you. A 10 in the horror genre is perhaps...The Shining, The Exorcist, Alien, you know...something with a strong screenplay, suspenseful cinematography, interesting and strong visuals...something that gets under our skin. How could you idiots rate this a 6 much less a 10, unless you have some sort of bad movie fetish, I just don't get it. I give this a 3. The acting was atrocious, the F/X were pitiful, the cinematography was hackish, and the plot was boring. The cenobites were oafish and pathetic....just a mess all around and if you like this movie then...well whatever. It gets a 3 from me because sadly there's even worse movies like this out there and I give Doug Bradly props for repping Pinhead...the other stars are for doing the credits the right way I guess...whatever, don't even watch this crud.

Big Bad Wolves (2013)

Big Bad Meh

[6/10 · 23 November 2014]

"Big Bad Wolves" had topped a lot of 2013's best of lists and it's really far from the worst films of 2013, realistically it falls somewhere in the middle. Stylistic, charming, and great character acting highlight a sort of "who-dun-it" for dummies and I say that in the least offensive way possible. It doesn't take an Agent Starling to figure out who the culprit is though for some reason...many people didn't seem to figure it out...though the movie all but spells it out for you. So not being much, if any of a mystery, what genre does this movie fall in too? A comedy-revenge- lightweight thriller? Sure, I'll go with that. For such a brutal subject (child killer/pedophile) the characters are very charming and though we do know who did what...the actor playing the scumbag gives a convincing performance in the role he portrays. With such a small cast and not much drama, after the charm burns off in the first hour or so, I found myself wondering when this is going to wrap up...never a good sign. The movie ends sort of flat and uneven and I felt it was rather anti-climatic. Good for a rental I suppose and could make your top ten list of 2013 if you've seen very few movies that year. Tarentino really thought this was 2013's best movie though? That's probably the biggest surprise of all with this movie.

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

Sequel outdoes the Original

[8/10 · 20 June 2014]

I wasn't a big fan of the "The Last Exorcism"; for myself it was an average scare flick, not a really a gem of the genre. The creatively titled "The Last Exorcism II" however is an inspired and creepy journey towards one woman's and perhaps humanities doom. The low score you'll see on the home page is due to a lack of imagination in today's average movie goer. A great deal of suspense built into this movie is visceral...it's what your NOT seeing that is disturbing. And that is what ticks me off about the low scores. Okay...so there's no monster chopping off heads or people being physically tortured or women showing their breasts. So it burns a little slow...so it uses atmosphere and environment to build tension, is this a reason to rate it low? If you have no imagination and can't focus on a movie for more then 10 minutes if there's no blood or CGI monsters to be found then yes....I guess it is. The director's behind this little gem hopefully are off to make even better movies and I look forward to what they can do in the future. Well done! Fans of demonic movies with a little bit of intelligence...this flick is for you...fans of gore and sex ONLY...steer clear.

Wither (2012)

Fast, Fun, Remake Delivers the Gore

[7/10 · 23 May 2014]

"Evil Dead, Evil Dead, Evil Dead"; got it, it's a Swedish reboot of Evil Dead. Is it any good though? Depends on your tastes. I don't know many people that haven't seen Evil Dead and enjoyed it, but...slap subtitles on it,inject with MORE gore, release it in 2013 and what do you have? Well, you have "Wither" and that ain't a bad thing. A group of young adults head to a cabin in the woods where something "demonic" went down earlier prior to their knowledge. Some questionable character choices later and we have possession on a wide scale and a demonic bloodbath of violence. The protagonist and his girlfriend must escape this cabin as their friends succumb to some demonic/evil/mythological virus/curse/thingy...and that's pretty much it. There is a high diet of mostly cheap gore mixed with sometimes absurd and groan inducing character motivations from start to finish, which may be a continuation of it's tribute to it's 80's idol. Personally, I enjoyed it more then the Hollywood remake of "Evil Dead", which I also enjoyed. That being said I recommend this fun fast ride but like 80's giants of the past check your brain at the door and if gore isn't your thing...pass altogether.

Afflicted (2013)

The Chronicle of Vampire Movies

[8/10 · 17 May 2014]

I went in knowing very little about this. It was sitting around a few weeks and I forgot it's premise. That was a good thing because in a day and age where we know so much about a movie, through trailers and article upon article of a flick we sort of go in knowing too much, in my opinion. Though there's a lot of rubbish in the found footage genre, A LOT, and even more in the vampire genre this little gem excels in both fields. It gives a fresh perspective on the vampire legend and it recharges the found footage category by imitating the superhero found footage movie "Chronicle". So it's not terribly "original", sometimes I can deal with that if the effort is genuine and the perspective is fresh. This delivers on both accounts. It's a top ten vampire movie in the last 5 years EASILY and it's a top ten found footage perhaps all time. Highly recommended. See it at Redbox, grab it and enjoy. See it for $10 or under on DVD buy with no concern. If you don't love it...it won't be hard finding someone who will.

Zeitgeist (2007 Video)

Entertaining Pseudo-Documentary

[2/10 · 11 April 2014]

You'll watch Zeitgeist and be like..."oh wow man! dang it, I knew all this stuff was connected" and you'll be all amped and ready to go research these "facts" the film so professionally presents. Problem is...after you research these "facts" you'll find they're pretty much all wrong...and I mean like all of them. The truth is nudged ever so slightly in fractions to align a train of thought that the conspiracy is very real and you're slipping if you don't "wake up!!!!" Sigh. Fact check people. The dates are wrong, the religions are wrong, the players are wrong and the people behind this movement are associated with anti-Semites. It's a polished turd...very polished but a turd is a turd nonetheless.

The Rambler (2013)

Rambling Along

[6/10 · 11 April 2014]

The Rambler isn't for everyone,and I'm not sure it's for anyone. There's fragments of something more profound within it but it's not an easy movie to enjoy. It is very Lynch-esque...layered and at times beautiful as it strides a limbo length of highway in search of...well, that's the problem for many. What is this movie saying??? Reviewers who trash it because they don't get it are short-changing the metaphorical depth and visceral experience of the movie...and much like a Lynch movie this is a visceral journey. The cinematography is very good, the acting is what it needs to be for this type of movie. It's all very dream like. I admit I don't quite understand "The Rambler" and that subtracts points for me perhaps unfairly. I'm sure a few metaphor champions will crack the code and see the brilliance but for the rest of us there's probably a feeling of confusion. I saw this listed on some best of horror lists for 2013 but it's not a horror movie, not in the conventional at least. It's more of a ramble through subconsciousness and a desire to be free from the "logic" of society. A quest to stay within oneself and live without meaning. Or...maybe not. The meaning might be ambiguous and if that type of thing drives you crazy then stay away. If your feeling adventurous and want something that escapes the typical Hollywood polished package type movie take it for a spin.

The Beyond (1981)

An Honest Review

[3/10 · 11 April 2014]

It's awful. There are many...MANY people here defending the films of Fulci as horror masterpieces. Many people on here will try to tell you either you get it or you don't. That's akin to a Tromaville movie in the sense that either you have a taste for something or you don't. If you like Gothic inspired, cheesy gore 70's Italian films, great. If you don't like slow plodding, poor dialog, hammish acting, "atmospheric" horror, then avoid Fulci. The film makes little sense...but the defenders will tell you that's not the point. It's visceral. Well...for something to be visceral then we must feel something from something. The only visceral feeling is boredom. I'm sure they're speaking of the underlying dread from the position the young lady who inherits a hotel stationed above one of the 7 portals of evil must feel when in said position but the problem is the woman is a terrible actress. I didn't feel dread...what I felt was when will this movie pick it's arse off the floor and start spooking me. Alas, that never happens. Instead we get artificial tarantulas feasting on rubber heads, zombies sleeping in bathtubs, guns that fire too many bullets and are loaded through the barrel? (elevator scene). We get the slowest zombies that ever existed. We get acid in the face..a couple of times. We get a woman who is blind but runs out of someones house yet trips in her own and yeah...okay I'm picking, but you guys so in love with Fulci and Italian "horror" are fooling yourselves. Some of you say he's better then Craven or even Roth, what a joke. Fulci is no classic horror director. "The Beyond" is no classic horror movie. It's a 3 all day every day to people that are more impressed with what they're actually watching as opposed to who's name is directing the thing. In the end...some pretty good zombie makeup, an interesting idea for a movie, but poor cinematography (mostly), bad acting, an AWFUL soundtrack, slow pacing, and a total lack of logic create what is essentially a cult-classic for snobbish horror film buffs. Avoid at all cost.

Spawn (1997–1999)

EPIC Comic Adaptation

[9/10 · 24 February 2014]

Spawn was way ahead of it's time. I remember watching the original in the 90's on HBO and loving it. Here we are in 2014 and I'm rewatching it and just loving it...just loving it. Adult all the way, Spawn isn't for the kids. It's, of course, a Faustian tale and a superhero title but at it's core this is horror. The cartoon is very dark, chilling, and gritty. It's ultra-violent, suspenseful, animated beautifully, the voice-acting is precise and quietly subdued. It's as if all it's characters are speaking as shadows. Brilliant stuff here that outshines anything DC is doing currently and DC is the only one really doing anything worth a crud for American comic-book animation. Love Marvel but their animation is pathetic. If you're over 18 and want a good super-hero animation that lives and breathes in the dark...go buy Spawn. Mr. McFarland....please bring this back!

Knights of Badassdom (2013)

Knights of Underwhelming and Lost Potential

[3/10 · 24 February 2014]

I was excited to check this one out. I heard some good buzz...has a great cast, neat premise with the whole LARP aspect. Terrible. This movie is wack. Wack as HELL. There's no laughs. It doesn't know if it's a comedy, it tries hard...just no laughs. It wants to be a horror/fantasy...but the comedy attempt disembowels that attempt. A LOT of wasted talent. The cast is great....but the screenplay is underwhelming and the cinematography is PITIFUL. Obviously, we sadly have yet another movie's ratings on IMDb manipulated by "someone". If you go in expecting a 6...which has dropped about 1 and a half point in the last 2 weeks, you'll be super-underwhelmed. This is a dogbone...a 4 at best...and that's probably if you're under 25. Avoid this and save your redbox money.

The Black Water Vampire (2014)

Ughhh.

[3/10 · 24 February 2014]

This is a snore fest. If you loved the Blair Witch (I didn't) then you'll probably be pretty mad that the guys who saw this said..."Say, let's remake the Blair Witch but rename it Blackwater Vampire or whatever the sodding title is. Chick decides to do a documentary about a murder she thinks is fishy, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then blah. The vampire was a pretty good design. The vampire screaming was okay but needed to be toned down a bit. The rest is rubbish. A slow, trek through a woodlands in search of an answer to something troubling the filmmaker...but this time with SNOW! The ending...oh my dear god...was just STUPID. There I said it. I'm sorry...but guys you gotta do better. Where's the originality?

Almost Human (2013)

The Sound of Crickets

[5/10 · 24 February 2014]

Seriously, the last half of the movie is flooded with crickets...despite it obviously being winter, or at least cold outside. Okay. 10 star review? Dump that. Hilarious. If this is a 10 star movie, this is either the only movie you ever saw and it appeals specifically to you OR..you're buddies with the director...take your pick. Despite all of this..."Almost Human" is decent. It ain't horrible, but it's not great or even cult level acceptable. It's a low budget, gory, alien indie flick with mostly substandard acting and a pretty thin plot. Dude gets abducted. Dude returns. Dude is alien hybrid on a murder spree and wants to convert us all to aliens via a phallic mouth tube he spits into folks mouth AND he wants to get back with his old girlfriend. Dude's buddy knows it's going down and dog-gone-it he's gonna FIGHT BACK! Yeah! I'd be proud if I made this flick...but I have no experience in cinematography...so there's that. Watch if your in the mood to see that bearded dude kill some people but forget the plot. Why the aliens chose this country dude to take over the world and not a politician, celebrity, or even a prostitute...one can only wonder. I'm not hating...just sayin.

Saturday Morning Mystery (2012)

The Greatest Scooby Doo Movie Ever Made

[9/10 · 31 July 2013]

So yeah, Hollywood has made a mess out of Scooby Doo. Honestly...and I'm just keeping it 100, the damned Scooby Doo cartoon wasn't that great to begin with.

Let's get it out of the way first; yes, this is a Scooby Doo homage/parody. The names have been changed and the archetypes updated but the influence is 100% Scooby Doo. Ironically, the Scooby character, the dog ( I can't recall it's name) is almost an after thought in the movie...and I'm pretty sure this was done intentionally. The focus is what and how would the Mystery Team from Scooby Doo actually act if the cartoon was a reality. In other words, why would they see the bizarre things they see, why would they come to some of their outlandish conclusions, why and how would the old gag involving everyone chasing the fiend through multiple doors work??? Clever stuff. The cast is eccentric and marvelous. They flesh themselves out through character acting and very little to no back story. The cinematography is ideal for the slasher movie breathing down the necks of our characters and slyly sets up tension and creates a slow burning doom that may or may not be awaiting our protagonists. The score is very well done but the sound effects are some of the best I've heard in some time. If you do check this great little flick out, listen for those sound effects...they're remarkable. There are a few small problems however... It might be a bit too long as some have suggested, but my theory is the movie kicks gears towards the end and it sort of guts any emotional investment we might have been brewing. It goes from a sort of edgy comedy to a survival/slasher movie much like "Behind the Mask : The Rise of Leslie Vernon" and I felt the same way as a viewer of that great little movie as I did with this one. Very interesting collection of talent involved with this one...I'll be following what they do in the future.

6 Degrees of Hell (2012)

A Smear Better then Average

[5/10 · 2 December 2012]

So let's go ahead and address probably your biggest concern here...Feldman. Yeah, he's in it. He has his bit and it's minor and pretty much unnecessary. With that knowledge, you can kick back and allow yourself to watch a steady, somewhat slow burning story involving a demon's puzzling game of possessions to unlock the gates of hell. The major problem with this movie is that it's trying to tell too many stories and in the end you might find yourself wondering exactly what story was told. The acting is decent, I would say respectable for B movie standards. Film direction, cinematography, soundtrack, makeup...all professional. Question is...should you watch it and am I endorsing it? I say yes to both. I appreciate how the film makers haven't hoar'd themselves out on these boards and reviews with sweaty palm testimonies on how great the movie is like most shlock horror movie makers do these days. See : Orphan Maker, Smiley, Bunnyman, etc for examples. (Added bonus, this movie is better then all 3 of those crapfests) These guys put some sweat and talent into a movie and are allowing the fans to respond to it. Unfortunately, the Feldman hate, I fear, is crushing the score and will scare you away. Don't let it! This is a pretty original and again, solid effort from an independent movie maker. It's probably a little to ambitious in it's efforts to find it's own voice but I rather that then a majority of the recycled garbage we're watching these days.

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012 Video)

The Bellybutton Lint of Slasher Flicks...is back

[2/10 · 9 November 2012]

The Wrong Turn "franchise" (is this REALLY a franchise already?) has taken, yes, another "wrong turn"...sigh. I know I wrote that and I'm sorry but inspiration is at an all time low after watching this smear of "cinema" last night. What is it? What's it all about, but more importantly...should YOU watch it. Last answer is easy. No. The other answers are pointless. There's nothing conventionally wise or deep about this sequel to a bad sequel that was a sequel to a crappy sequel that was a sequel to an "okay" sequel that was a sequel to an otherwise average inbred hillbilly mutant slasher movie. This is the vine that just keeps rotting away and people continue plucking from it and hoping the fruit has changed from feces flavor to at least starburst. Look in the mirror. Your teeth are brown. In a piece of toilet paper, this is about the hillbilly clan, yeah they have names, after 5 movies I don't even care what they are...who kill people and eat them or make them eat themselves sometimes or whatever. They muck about in the woods and make silly grunting and giggling noises...and young retarded people die vicious deaths. Ahhh...now we are on to something. This is for your Redbox dollar people. Don't see anything else? Well, there's always a cheap horror flick to get you and your gal or guy in the mood. Psyche. You'll probably both be so bored with it you'll fall asleep before any nookie is unveiled. Leave this pile of crud alone. It ain't worth it.

The Watch (I) (2012)

Watch Nothing

[3/10 · 9 November 2012]

Read a book. Take a college class. Play Mario Brothers. Take a deuce on your neighbor's lawn...whatever. But watching this movie should be low on your list of making lists about list making. In other words, this is not a good movie. It's not even an average movie. It's a lemon. The laughs? Yeah. There are no laughs. Is it a drama then? Well..no, it's not a drama because there are "comedians" all up in the cast. I mean...Ben Stiller is in it right? He's good for a few laughs correct? WRONG. Ah but then there's Vince Vaughn the fast talking man-child that he is...that's ALWAYS a funny role ain't it? Yeah, not so much...not so much. This is a steaming pile of cult of personality. Nothing more. The jokes are sterile. The deliveries are dialed in...from loooong distance. Everyone is sleep walking or aping themselves from past movies. So, in a sense it's a body snatcher movie. You've seen this before. Uninspired, unfunny, and unoriginal. Yes...there are people that enjoyed it fool! There are people that enjoy Beiber, Spears, and That's My Boy....this...is for them. Not you. Go "Watch" something else.

Killer Joe (2011)

Compensate for the knee jerk

[9/10 · 27 October 2012]

Sometimes a performance in itself can boost a movies value and vault it into something spectacular, McConaughey provides the turbo to this otherwise solid but not groundbreaking vehicle of karmic retribution as Killer Joe. The movie itself has been said to be akin to Friedkin aping a Cohen crime caper and that description works. We have a crime masterminded by selfish, unintelligent and or quirky characters, we have the mid-west as our backdrop, and we have the metaphysical shadow of karma hovering over their every move throughout the film. Call it Cohen Brothers on whiskey. The characters themselves are all very stereotyped but I think Friedkin left that transparent enough. In other words, the stereotype was part of the wardrobe itself. The reason being is this is not about these characters in particular...this is about choices and consequences and Killer Joe is simply a vehicle of karmic arithmetic. All that aside, on any day, or in any movie, McConaughey's performance as Killer Joe is mesmerizing. He is the serpent...cold and dangerous but charming and in control, constantly. He weaves his restrained psychotic energy through the movie as if he was born to play this role. For as silly as this movie can be, this is a brutally adult movie. It is graphic and there is a barrel of bush in it. There is also an almost misogynistic undertone that I don't wish to defend one way or the other, but I will say that for the scenes to not play out as they did would be an injustice to the character that McConaughey plays. The cast all around is very solid. Thomas Haden Church is pretty terrific, Gershon is on point and I've never been happier to see her answer a door. Juno Temple is a lolita-ish young vixen who seems to be almost in a different plane of existence throughout the movie. This is a movie that will stick with you after it's over, the mark of a truly good movie. There's mechanics below the surface that have to be thought about and you have to discipline yourself for the eventual knee jerking that is bound to happen. Adults only. Would go well sandwiched between Blood Simple and No Country for Old Men.

The Day (I) (2011)

A Day in the Life of an Average Apocalypse

[5/10 · 26 October 2012]

"The Day" is by no means what I would define as a bad movie. It deserves a little love if only for the pretty solid acting all around. That being said, "The Day" isn't an excellent movie by any means either. The basic premises is a group of stragglers are trying their best to survive in a "post-apocalyptic" world. What the apocalypse was however is never determined. The "blood-thirsty predators" are actuality a small click of apparently murderous cannibals. This is a small budget movie with a medium budget feel. It's short, hits hard and fast, and leaves you with a hunger for something with a little more substance. Most of the movie entails the defense of a house as the "predators" launch perhaps one of the least imaginative, least tactical assaults on a building ever witnessed. They are led by Michael Eklund, who...is a sleepy kind of bad guy; not very imposing...not very wise...and not very tough. As the main antagonist his performance is paper thin, however he isn't given anything real to chew on until tragedy strikes his crew...and then he still can't emotionally summon any sort of menacing conviction. Dominic Monaghan is a HUGE boost to the casts morale and adds that special character touch he brings to everything I've seen him in. Shawn Ashmore does a fantastic job and helps me forget the travesty that was the X-Men franchise. Ashley Bell is brilliant in her "kick butt take names later" character and the movie hinges on whether she can pull it off...and she does. If Bell stinks this movie erodes to a 4.

This is a "rent it if there's really nothing else to watch" sort of movie. You would be hard pressed to rate this above a 6...so I'm very skeptical on how many of the earlier reviews were actually non-objective. This is AVERAGE....and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Panman (2011)

Potential Cult Classic

[7/10 · 14 October 2012]

Panman is a Post-Modern slasher film with it's tongue cold chillin in it's cheek. Panman is silly. There are laughs to be found. It has an amusing sometimes clever script and it never takes itself seriously at all. The acting is the real bugaboo here. Some performances work, some are too far over the top and it finds itself swimming into satire, which is less gutsy then a strictly absurdest approach that would have, I feel, made it shine a little brighter for it's intended audience. Still there's enough goofy flavoring baked in that it succeeds to outperform far bigger budgeted movies with far less. Premise is basically "masked" killer (or killer with cooking pot on his head) kills culinary students and a "special" team of culinary students with their custard professor attempt to hunt him down and kill him. Of course, being a super slasher, he is supernatural and is in all reality a demon crossed with a dead Russian chef. Toss in a tragic love story and a sister out for "Justice" and you have an idea. Sadly, as mentioned, though well written and firmly filmed, the acting spoils the course. G.Larry Butler, in particular, goes to far overboard in his performance and produces the most groans. If his role was perhaps toned down a notch or given a different actor, this movie would be a little more likable. All in all, it's enjoyable but perhaps a tad too long. Maybe it would have worked better as a short. If you like Eagleheart, FDR, Black Dynamite and such..you might fall for this "ham".

Killjoy (2000 Video)

Killing them Softly

[5/10 · 13 October 2012]

This is so far from the worst films I've ever seen it's not even close. Killjoy is indeed a Nightmare on Elm Street knock off, there's no denying it. What separates Killjoy from the lower garbage is it has an ambitious and respectable swagger to it. The cast, for this type of project, are pretty good. They are attractive and all put on acceptable performances. The main antagonist Killjoy, is a Freddy Krueger-ish inspired clown/demon of vengeance...or some such mission. His makeup is all well and good and his performance is what you would expect from the type of outlandish "clown prince of demons?" he is playing. There are plot holes and the plot and dialog erode considerably at the end but this little b movie with a black cast gets knocked around more then it should. It would have been easy for the characters to slip into over the top caricatures of their respective roles but everyone stays in a comfort zone convincingly well. Also I applaud the pacing, I found it crisp and moves the story along at a brisk pace....there's not a lot of "day dreaming" or time wasted. The effects are pretty terrible. More money budgeted to the effects would have probably tacked a star or 2 on most reviews. The cinematography is small screen variety, just not a lot going on creatively with camera shots or visual interest. End of the day...with 3 sequels behind it, you could do much much worse. It's an average movie by any measure and if you go in not expecting too much you should be fine.

Smiley (2012)

Turn that Smile upside down

[4/10 · 13 October 2012]

This movie was cooked before the ratings officially went live. MUCH MUCH dislike for the "Smiley" one...even the reviews so far are hyper critical and the ones that liked it aren't that much more encouraging. There is one shining moment, Roger Bart. He plays the professor character and he dives into some hashed up philosophical meatloaf that tastes pretty good...but slows down the pace. And the pace is not a comfortable one to begin with. This is a slow journey into boogeyman country and it staggers about searching for it's own identity while trying to nudge you into unraveling the seemingly metaphysical events unraveling about it....slowly. So slowly. There is a strong performance, I felt, from the lead Caitlin Gerard. Remove her and I really feel this all falls to pieces quickly. She knows her lines and portrays her role with subtle hunger. So with her, Bart, and the always likable Keith David there is some decent acting. David's role is more of a two...three(?) part cameo. Unfortunately the remaining "thespians" are quite amateurish. Melanie Papalia as Proxy is remarkably annoying. She mumbles lines, acts too cute for school, and comes off shallow and annoying. The lightweight androgynous Andrew James Allen is also in need of a Razzie this year pushing his boundaries of overacting almost until he breaks the movie himself. Shane Dawson, whom I've never heard of before people started making a commotion about him being in this, is likewise unconvincing and floats with the rest of the dead weight down the amateur river. The kills are boring. The mask is....very silly. The trailer gets you thinking "maybe this..." WRONG! The mask is unintentionally funny. It also breaks the movie. The ending is a TOTAL RIP OFF.****SPOILER******* It rips off Scream AND Nightmare on Elm Street...and that's when I finally realized that this is indeed a bad movie. When there's an unusual premise and the film maker is too lazy to invent something fresh and decides to rip off 2 Wes Craven classics....what else can you say but "This sucks" That being said, is there any reason for you to watch this? No. Skip this one, gore hounds will find nothing, slasher fans will be disappointed, and people looking for something different will not find the difference here.

Halloween (2007)

Stop Being a Parrot.

[7/10 · 6 October 2012]

The original. The original. And in the original. And what I liked about the original. And what separates this from the original. Shut up. This isn't the original. It's a remake. And it's pretty stellar. Zombie creates an unsettling and gritty remake of Halloween with this REMAKE. It respects the original and it's cry baby fan-base and gives us an origin story to boot. It's solid as can be for what it is. This isn't reinventing the wheel folks. There was nothing particularly "genius" about the characters or their mythology in the first place. Carpenter, all respect due, created one of the greatest slasher films ever..but he also created one of horror movies creepiest soundtracks and slasher masks as well. Zombie was payed a butt load of money to reboot it. That he did, it works, fans cried like little babies, ticked him off so he dumped a hot steaming pile of metaphysical garbage on us with the sequel. Serves you right. Watch this one, skip the sequel and remember...you've seen it before so it won't blow your mind. This movie will be respected in years to come and folks will have it on their dumb under-appreciated lists once it's "cool" to like it again. Right now it's uncool to like it. Be a rebel and give them the bird.

Strigoi (2009)

It's a Mystery Movie

[6/10 · 6 October 2012]

NOT a vampire film. That's the first and most important fact you should know before watching. Second, it's a rather dry if not dull film that sparkles with just enough charisma to pull off an above average effort. The acting is fine, in fact it's pretty good. Yes, they are Romanians speaking in English but their accents are not hard to comprehend. At least I had no problem following them. This isn't a knee slapper type of comedy. I can't imagine the personality that would label this a comedy to be honest. It's just not funny. Amusing? Sure. Funny? I didn't laugh once. I smiled...the cast has a sort of neurotic charm that fuels your desire to reach the end. Don't watch it expecting to unearth a great vampire movie that no one else has seen. Watch it expecting a murder mystery with Romanian vampire mythology thrown in the mix as a sort of seasoning. Lower your expectations created by a few people that are raising an unrealistic bar and you might enjoy it more then others. Or you might be bored stiff. It's just that type of movie.

FDR: American Badass! (2012)

Gangsta Isht

[9/10 · 3 October 2012]

This movie is brilliant. The score is low on IMDb right now, but it will rise over the years. Let's label this a future cult classic. The cast is brilliant. The script is brilliant. It's over the top and into the wtf ever land. Sure it's playing off the alternate time line craze, but it's spoofing the living dookie out of gangsta mentality/American history/and Lincoln Vampire Hunter and it does it at a Naked Gun level of professionalism. I gave it a 9 because it made me laugh and laugh hard. It does it's job and does it beautifully. This is FDR versus the wicked werewolves of Germany, Italy, and Japan. He talks crap, he rolls in a pimped out super wheel chair and smokes super weed with the ghost of Lincoln. What more do you want? If you love the Chappelle Show, Naked Gun, I'm Gonna Get You Sucka or movies like that...Watch this NOW. If you like what Hollywood has to offer for comedy you'll probably miss the joke. Thug Life.

That's My Boy (2012)

This Ain't My Boy

[5/10 · 3 October 2012]

I'm 38, so I remember the Sandler glory years, the SNL dominance, Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and The Waterboy. I watched him "mature" into such great flicks as 50 First Dates, The Wedding Singer, and yes, even Click. Along the way he made a few that weren't classic but I always pulled for his character and found the redemption of his characters charming and fun. But Sandler has lost something and it shows. Grown Ups was awful. There were no laughs in it. That's My Boy is a step up from that but a step down from Just Go With It. So he's firmly in the hit or miss category the last few years. That's My Boy first half is dull and uninspired. Sandler phones in the whole performance. Samberg is okay as the straight guy but he didn't really yuck up the screen either. Somewhere, halfway, the movie grows on you. Vanilla Ice owns his role as Vanilla Ice and you really wind up liking the guy. So the movie gets cute, you smile...but laugh with silliness? That's missing BIG TIME. The plot is mad thin, there's no doubt where it's going and where it will end but that's forgivable if Sandler does his thing. He doesn't and the result is an average Sandler movie that falls down into the bottom 5 or 6 movies he's done. It is, of course, a must for Adam Sandler fans but if you don't like the guy I insist you avoid it. Get your old crew back Sandler. Your missing someone in your crew dude and it shows.