JonjaNet Reviews

Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

Everyone must have been under contract. Why else do this?

[3/10 · 7 June 2024]

The movie takes itself a bit too seriously.

I would have loved if anyone in the film had shown the audience just how ridiculous what was happening was and then let the film run with it. This should have been more of a comedy, or at least a parody, but instead the film stays in the "no we are making a horror movie" lane and never shifts out of it.

CGI was crap too, another reason they should have acknowledged the silliness of it all.

(Still fun to see Jordan Danger (Zoe from 'Eureka') in something else. Good actress. Terrible film. I have no idea how/why she chose THIS film, excpet maybe she was under some sort of obligation left over from her contract with SYFY?)

Blue Monkey (1987)

Fine if you ignore everyting...

[3/10 · 7 June 2024]

The military locks down a hospital when a giant mutated insect begins running amok.

Written by someone who knew nothing about the military, the medical profession, or entomology, but besides that... Terrific!

This is by far not the worst giant creature running amok film I've seen, but it is just as far from the best.

This one has a weird "made-for-TV" quality to it that unnerved me. That is largely due to the addition of the precocious kids. These kids are supposed to be long-term resident of the hospital due to a variety of issues. One kid I think has some sort of cancer, another is running around with a neck brace, though at no point do you get any impression that her "injury" is slowing her down.

Star was supposedly embarrassed by this one. Not sure he should have been embarrassed, but I wouldn't of put it on top of my resume either.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Avengers, assemble?

[4/10 · 7 June 2024]

Pains me to say it, but damn, that was boring!

I knew this wasn't going to be a cinematic masterpiece, but this wasn't even fun for me.

I've enjoyed almost all the previous Legendary Godzilla/Kong films. For what they were, they were entertaining. This one.. This one I felt to more befitting of something out the Marvel films. The giant monster team up was played like a super-hero film rather than anyting out of a universe revolving around monsters. I much preferred "King of the Monsters" and how that was handled. It felt more 'Godzilla'. This one, this one felt like Captain America.

Fight scenes were predictable and unoriginal, Kong Jr. Was just annoying, and the damn soundtrack was atrocious!

I own every Godzilla film, and I assumed I'd be adding this one but I may skip it. It's really a Kong movie anyway.

The Giant Claw (1957)

Yes it is goofy looking, but a lot of effort went into that goofiness!

[5/10 · 7 June 2024]

I finally watched The Giant Claw last night. (Yes. Believe it or not it was a first time viewing) An OK film with some odd choices as far as where and why the narration is used and a really good, if really WEIRD, creature puppet.

The bird looked soooo odd, but you could tell someone put a lot of effort into its weirdness. During close ups of the face you can see the nostrils flare! That is an interesting level of detail for something like this. I mean, you COULD ask how the nostrils of a bird can flare, but I guess you can chalk it up to the fact that this is a SPACE-bird! Maybe birds from outerspace have much more flexible beaks than your common terrestrial varieties!

If you ignore the odd narration, that is describing to you the scenes that you are watching rather than letting you just hear the dialog, and you ignore, or just accept, the silliness of the giant bird, then you might find this to be a somewhat enjoyable monster flick!

Prophecy of Eve (2014)

I can almost hear the director, "We'll fix it in post!"

[2/10 · 7 June 2024]

What a bunch of rambling nonsense. I'm sure there is a plot in there somewhere, but I think someone dropped the script and messed up the order of the pages. They filmed it anyway.

I don't know why someone would think they could film an action movie, without having anyone skilled at fighting, but I am at a complete loss as to why anyone would try and film a SUPERNATURAL action movie under those circumstances.

There is very little "action", and what is there is created with choppy edits.

The effects are poor. The acting is subpar. I think the overall theme is a good one, but it is just not handled well here.

The Wild Women of Wongo (1959)

One of the worst of the genre I've seen...

[1/10 · 7 June 2024]

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a sucker for the whole "women in skins" thing, but this... this is BAD! Like amazingly, I can't believe this is real, B-A-D!

You can tell there was legitimate effort put into the film. Great on location filming, etc. But all of effort is torn asunder by a script that is one of the worst I've heard, and woodenly delivered by just about everyone. There may have been some up and coming stars that thought this would get their foot in the door, but instead I think they saw it slammed in their face.

If it were any more shallow it'd be inside out. I think if you googled "misogyny" you'd find a review for "The Wild Women of Wongo".

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022)

Bold move choosing not to be funny

[2/10 · 13 October 2023]

As much as I want to like MST in all its forms, this attempts to keeping the show alive are pale shades of the even the worst of the original.

The new crew come across as a group of fans who THINK they can riff like the cast of MST. (There are a ton of folks doing the same level of riffs on YouTube.) Jonas and the bots all sound to similar and each provide the same style of "jokes". They lack the personality that Joel/Mike, Trace/Bill and Kevin brought to their characters.

There are many seasons, most of them pretty damn funny, of the original show that can be endlessly watched.

Turn down the lights (where applicable) and keep circulating the tapes.

Lion-Girl (2023)

Too little action, too much everything else

[3/10 · 7 October 2023]

Can't decide if it is trying to celebrate anime and manga, or if it is making fun of it. Too long and boring either way. Whatever the point is, it takes WAY too long getting to it. LOTS of gratuitous nudity, a little gore (could have stood to swap that) and a disappointing amount of fight scenes.

Film spends a whole lot of time gazing at our heroine in, and out, of her superhero costume and literally tells us how she has been trained in all forms of martial arts and fighting styles, so you really feel like it is building up to an epic fight scene SOMEWHERE in the movie, All you get is some glowing special effects and everyone staring at one another until one of their heads explode!

Overall I found the premise and the general idea great, but I was really disappointed in the execution.

Killer Kites (2023)

Stupid, but has some great moments

[4/10 · 5 May 2023]

This film is stupid. Make no mistake how stupid it is. The previous film from this team, SEWER GATORS, is much more refined and a damn fun time. This film makes that film look like CITIZEN KANE, well... maybe not. Maybe CITIZEN KANE's porn parody.

Anyway, point is this film is outrageously dumb. All that being said, I smiled the whole way through. There is some really clever sight gags and lines that brought legitimate guffaws from me.

I'm not ashamed. I'm proud to have watched this movie! I'll walk into work tomorrow and declare, "I watched Killer Kites!".

Not a film for everyone, but... No, that's it.

Vampus Horror Tales (2020)

Not bad, some really good! (But needs more readable subtitles)

[6/10 · 5 March 2023]

A collection of short horror tales stitched together by grave digging "Vampus".

None are terribly scary, a couple are a little boring, but most are a lot of fun!

This is all Spanish language and that leads to a big complaint. The subtitles! They are way too small and always in white. The film is black and white so in many moments the text is completely lost in the background! Really annoying.

Outside of the issue with the subtitles, I really enjoyed a lot of this anthology film. The "Vampus" storyteller is a the highlight for sure! His inner monologue is worth the price of admission alone!

The strongest stories are early on, and they get a little weaker towards the end, but all are beautifully shot and well acted and directed.

Monsters of War (2021)

Dumb people making the worst decisions

[1/10 · 19 February 2023]

This is awful! Even for a bad movie it is BAD!

Crappy child actors that are obviously reading things off of cards, a "star" whose giant fake eyelashes make her look like an aged out porn star, and some of the cheapest CGI.

Just a collection of really stupid people making the absolute worst decisions.

In the first 5 minutes the "porn star" yells questions to her kids, we hear no response, but she acknowledges something as if they did, then when a giant monster worm finds its way to the roof of her car, rather than driving off, she and her kids get out and run to a cave! (Which doesn't go well for them, but not as bad as the audience may hope) I post this as a warning. STAY CLEAR OF MONSTERS OF WAR.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

Shout and it will seem like you care...

[3/10 · 9 February 2023]

That must have have been Shia Labeuof's direction in this. I'm guessing he was contractually obligated, because he never looks like he wants to be there. Honestly, he didn't have to be. His character was shoehorned in so hard into this film, it's no surprise that something broke.

Action films shouldn't be boring. This is boring from start to finish. No surprises, no thrills, just... mayhem pretending to be some it isn't.

How anyone could screw up something like TRANSFORMERS is beyond me. A whole generation worships a 40 year old cartoon! Why they couldn't tap into that more and make something the slightest bit entertaining... it just baffles me.

Guru, the Mad Monk (1970)

Everything, including the kitchen sink...

[4/10 · 2 February 2022]

Let's see... We have Hunchback of Notre Dame, shades of Burke and Hare, a little Lady Carmilla... Just everything that Milligan could cram in, he did. (Motor scooters in the 17th century be damned!) Sometimes the actors rise above the dreck, but not this time. Our lead "hero" sleepwalks his way through the movie making him look less intelligent than the poor hunchback.

The lead actress is quite beautiful IMO, but her fake eyelashes and pixie cut hair do are just a LITTLE out of place. (But so is the aforementioned scooter and a light switch or two) I've become so enamored with Milligan's films.

Legacy of Blood (1978)

I gave this a 10 just for the ending!

[10/10 · 1 February 2022]

I have not laughed that hard at a death scene in all my life!

The whole film was a meandering collection of seemingly non sequitur events, but who watches an Andy Milligan film and expects anything else?

That being said, the acting wasn't the worst I've seen in a Milligan movie and his hotel/flop house made for a great film set.

Curse of the Headless Horseman (1972)

This is awful. I mean, it's BAD...but also kind of incredible!

[2/10 · 29 January 2022]

I do enjoy these "seat-of-their-pants", "Hey gang! Let's make a movie" type of films. It's done for cheap, likely with little scripting and shot like someone is think they are making high art.

I really wish the print was better. I want this remastered!

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

I can't see anything!

[3/10 · 28 January 2022]

I'm trying to watch this. Literally trying. They spent so much on slime they apparently couldn't afford any lights!

Not even an hour in and there is so much that makes ZERO sense...

Why does the predator go around "erasing" evidence of the aliens but leaves his own calling cards all over the freaking place?

Sea Fever (2019)

Impressive treatment of a tired trope

[6/10 · 10 January 2022]

Deadly parasites/virus/creatures picking off an isolated crew because someone makes a bad decision is getting to be a tired and overused trope, but at least this one does it fairly well.

Impressive acting, filming and effects for an indie film.

Legendary (2013)

Far from "Legendary"

[4/10 · 26 July 2021]

Not the worst of the genre, but Scott Adkins gleaming capped teeth and poor acting along with the obviously phonetically taught Chinese actors knocks it down a notch. Even Dolph Lungren chewing the scenery isn't enough to help.

This was originally in 3D and I can't even imagine how terrible the CGI beasties would have looked. (Actually I can imagine, and it ain't good)

As I said, not the worst in the "mysterious creature" genre. Think of it as a GOOD SYFY original.

Solar Impact (2019)

Definition of "derivative"

[3/10 · 18 July 2021]

Had there never been "Night of the Comet", Night of the Living Dead", "28 Days Later", literally any (and almost every) zombie movie, this might be a classic. But there has been, and if you've seen any of them, you don't need to bother with this one.

Monsters (2010)

Rule #1, have at least one likable character

[4/10 · 27 June 2021]

I was rooting for the monsters the whole film, and they barely show up!

I appreciate HOW it was filmed, and the visuals ARE great, but that doesn't make up for the unlikable characters and their boring adventure, and their unbelievable attraction to one another.

This could have been a fine filler episode in some sort of television series, but as a encapsulated movie form, just falls flat.

Temple (2017)

Guilty of one of worst crimes of filmdom...

[2/10 · 17 April 2021]

Being pointless. (and it pretentiously thinks it's the opposite.)

This hour and seventeen minute movie is one hour too long.

Five Golden Dragons (1967)

Such a waste of potential

[3/10 · 3 April 2021]

I'm almost angry!

This COULD have been a fun "Euro-spy" style movie. It has everything; beautiful women, exotic locations, mysterious villains, and big name guest stars but they saddled it with a lead actor that is better suited to be an understudy for Dean Jones in a "Herbie" movie!

You could make almost NO changes to the script and recast the lead with someone that would deliver the lines without thinking there was a laugh track, and you'd come out with a real entertaining spy film, instead of this VERY unfunny "comedy".

The Strangeness (1985)

Not "good", but not "bad" either...

[6/10 · 26 March 2021]

VERY low budget horror film, ("Caves" built in a garage cheap), but not a completely wasted effort. Over all maybe it falls shy of anything you'd call "good", but there are some very effective moments that keep me from calling this "bad". Fun stop-motion creepy-crawly and a VERY well done scene with complete darkness and a repeating flash bulb are highlights for me.

Monster Force Zero (2019)

Hyper-realizes LARP

[7/10 · 25 March 2021]

Fun, hyper realized LARP. Every cosplayers dream realized, à la "The Last Starfighter", with a AMC Pacer instead of a gunship and more entertaining.

Appeared to be made with love for the conventions, the cosplayers, and the geek community as a whole.

Hawk and Rev: Vampire Slayers (2020)

So. Much. FUN!

[9/10 · 24 March 2021]

This movie had me from the 80s retro title, and from there I just strapped in and enjoyed the ride. I'm really hard pressed to come up with anything bad to say about this. I gave it a 9 because, let's be honest, no film should truly be a 10, but out of films that might get lumped in with this one, maybe it would qualify. Fantastic humor written into the script and all delivered with ease. You forget you are watching a movie and really feel like you are just an observer to what, and how, these people would react. Dial it up, tune out, and just enjoy. You'll come out the other end feeling happier than you were going in.