Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005)

Dax Shepard: Astronaut

Photos 

Quotes 

• Walter : [about Zorgons]  What do they eat?

  Astronaut : Meat.

  Danny : That's good.

  Astronaut : Dude. You're meat.

• Danny : Why'd you wish for a football? You could've wished us out of here!

  Walter : I was under a lot of pressure! He was yelling at me!

  [meaning the Astronaut] 

  Danny : [turns around]  Why were you yelling?

  Astronaut : [sits on the bed]  OK guys. Here's the thing: I've played this game before. OK? I played it with my own brother 15 years ago.

  Walter : You're a player?

  Astronaut : Yeah. Just like you guys. We were fighting a lot back then. And when the game started, it got even worse. Every time we spun, we got madder and madder at one another. And then I landed on the Star Space, the same one that Walter just landed on. I was *so* mad at him that when the star passed... I made my wish.

  Walter : What'd you wish for?

  Astronaut : I wished that my brother had never been born.

  Danny : Oh my god.

  [Walter looks at Danny, then at the Astronaut] 

  Astronaut : As soon as I did, it felt horrible. I thought, you know if I could spin again maybe I, I could land on another Star Space and wish him back but, the game wouldn't let me. So it wasn't my turn. Walter, there are some games you can't play alone.

• Astronaut : Are you telling me to leave?

  Walter : Well, once you're finished eating... yeah.

  Astronaut : Well, he spun me...

  Astronaut : [points at Danny] 

  Astronaut : ...so he has to decide.

  Walter : [pulls out card]  Well I'm Fleet Admiral, and I'm telling you to hit the road.

  Astronaut : Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't know. Oh, you know what...

  Astronaut : [pulls out a card] 

  Astronaut : I'm Fleet Admiral too! It's just a card, bugnuts!

• Astronaut : No matter how good an idea seems like when you're angry, it never is.

• Astronaut : I passed through a time sphincter to get here. You realize how difficult that is?

  Walter : What's a time sphincter?

  Astronaut : A wormhole, about yay big.

  [forming a zero with his fingers] 

  Astronaut : You squeeze through there and tell me you're not hungry enough to eat a carpet shark.

• Astronaut : [points to Danny]  He spun me!

• Danny : [sees the astronaut putting food on the table]  Are you doing this to keep Zorgons away?

  Astronaut : No. I'm doing this because I've been eating paste out of a tube for fifteen years.

• [after Walter wishes on a shooting star, a second identical Danny appears] 

  Danny : You wished for TWO of me?

  Walter : No! I - I wished the astronaut guy had his brother back...

  [stunned, The Astronaut approaches the second Danny and smiles, embracing him] 

  Astronaut : Danny!

  Alternate Danny : Who are you?

  Astronaut : It's me. It's Walter, I'm... I'm your brother.

  Walter : What?

  Danny : What?

  Alternate Danny : No, you're not.

  [points to Walter] 

  Alternate Danny : He is.

  Astronaut : Yes... I'm older, but... I'm him. I came back for you.

• [the Astronaut, revealed to be an older Walter from an alternate reality, approaches Walter after Alternate Danny has disappeared] 

  Astronaut : Thank you.

  Walter : [stunned]  I didn't...

  Astronaut : You did a good job. You did better than I did.

  Walter : Thanks.

  Astronaut : Now, make sure he gets home safe, okay?

  Walter : Okay.

  [smiling, The Astronaut touches Walter's shoulder and begins to disintegrate] 

• [Walter plays the Zathura and the rocket ships are faulty] 

  Walter : Hang on a second, something's wrong.

  [turns to Danny] 

  Walter : I was ahead of you.

  Danny : Somebody must have kicked the board.

  Walter : No. Nobody kicked the board. You cheated!

  Danny : No, I didn't!

  Walter : You cheated! I knew you were gonna cheat!

  Astronaut : Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on! Okay, cheater's a strong word!

  Danny : I didn't cheat! I said I didn't cheat! I didn't cheat!

  Walter : You cheated!

  Astronaut : Guys, guys, guys! Please! Bring it down, indoor voices.

  [turns to Danny] 

  Astronaut : Now, did you move the piece?

  Danny : Maybe, I moved the piece by an accident.

  Astronaut : Okay. It was an accident.

  Walter : How can you move a piece by accident, it's stuck to the game? That's impossible! You cheated, you cheated!

  Astronaut : Okay. No, no, no, no! Let's not used that word! No, stop saying cheat!

  Danny : I didn't cheated! I didn't cheat! I DIDN'T CHEAT!

  Walter : You cheated! CHEATER!

  Astronaut : Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Okay?

  [turns back to Danny] 

  Astronaut : Now, where did you move from?

  Danny : I was right here.

  Walter : No, you weren't! You were back there!

  Danny : Nuh-uh.

  Astronaut : Look. Okay. Okay. Here, careful.

  [Walter pushes the red rocket back four times] 

  Walter : God.

  Astronaut : Okay, it's fixed. Okay.

  Walter : You're such a baby.

  Danny : I'm not a baby!

  Astronaut : Hey, slow down! Slow down!

  Walter : Yes, you are a baby! You're a baby!

  Danny : I'm not a baby!

  Astronaut : No! Nobody is a baby here!

  Walter : A hundred percent, you're a baby!

  Danny : I'm not a baby!

  Walter : You're a little baby!

  Danny : I'M NOT A BABY!

  Astronaut : Oh, geez, it won't stop!

  [covers Danny's mouth] 

  Astronaut : Okay, let's play the game.

  Walter : Fine.