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jivanov-1
Reviews
FUBAR (2023)
Stupid with some laughs
It's primarily a clown show with a bit of action. The good guys stand right next to the bad guys and have a loud conversation about how they are going get the bad guys. The most moronic notions for hacking computers, alarms, etc., are used in the show. It's all very unsuspenseful and uninspired.
The actors are all charming and good to look at and there is a fair bit of humour but even the Inspector Gadget cartoon series had better spy craft. It's hard to understand the decision to have all the spies be loud, non-sneaky, blabbermouths.
Obviously, the show can't be accused of taking itself too seriously, but it would be nice to say that they at least give a s**t.
Plane (2023)
Laughable
Ugh! OMG, so much stupid crammed into one film. Wow. It's easy to see that not a penny was spent on technical advisors for the script or the visuals. Possibly the worst understanding of aircraft fuel since Die Hard 2 and the worst understanding of aircraft since... ever.
In short, pilots don't do what you see, airplanes don't do what you see, aircraft fuel doesn't do anything they talked about, and unless you have enough ignorance to have bliss, it just sucks.
Good pacing of a less than half-assed product does not make for a good time except for those that benefit from the same ignorance that the producers had about everything in the movie.
Mortal Engines (2018)
Wow, stupid concept!
The book must have been decent to get to the point of being made a movie, but the movie doesn't do the book any favours!
You have the scenario of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, 1000+ years after WWIII where an uber energy-weapon named Medusa destroyed everything. But, from this devastation we're to believe that the only logical recovery plan for humanity was to build gigantic, track-drive cities ripping across the beautiful green terrain that has recovered wonderfully from any destruction & looks like anyone would want to live on... and some of these cities trade with each other but the main city in the story attacks, loots, invites all the people to become citizens & then consumes the other cities as fuel (?) for some reason. No idea what the little tracked cities burn.
Society has been devastated but you don't splinter off to build homesteads and progress to having communities again, NO, you make city-sized bulldozers because... stuff. And the people have the technology & resources to build and expand and mobilize the cities but can't manage a house. Weak.
So, the cities burn cities for fuel, as though that wouldn't be a self-defeating concept. Then you have air ships jetting around with flaming engines but that never need to carry any fuel which makes you wonder why the mobile cities don't use the same engines. And then you have *rebels* who have decided that they are going to oppose the way of the world and do the only thing that would have made sense that people would have done after the destruction of all the major cities: build homesteads and communities.
Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
All but the ending
The last time I saw this movie was over 40 years ago, so I forgot so much I had to watch it again. The movie is cute, then sweet, then moving, and then turns into an Incel platform.
We start with the beautiful, flighty woman. Then boy meets girl and is rightfully charmed. After some events transpire we finally get the opportunity to see our duo bond. Happy, hopeful times indeed.
Then, the movie ends with the boy yelling at the girl "I love you so you belong to me!" and yelling it louder and angrier over and over again until she starts freaking out and trying to get away. Of course he won't take no for an answer and chases after her, insisting she belongs to him because of how he feels.
Sorry, but was this what passed for a romantic love scene 60 years ago? Boy meets girl, boy owns girl?
The Last Days of American Crime (2020)
Disappointing
Nicely filmed but oddly weak everywhere it had the potential to shine.
Got a week to pull this heist off? Let's not see each other for days at a time. And we should not really plan, just halfass it together in the last two days knowing that we'll just happen to have exactly what we need for equipment...
Money went into the filming and the FX, which is good, but it would have been better to have some thought going into it instead.
Ben Dover's 9th (1996)
Fantastic porno
While most porn films involve mute and fast forward to get you through the disposable dialogue and unbearable moments, this film involves something different. This is the first porn film that I ever watched that made me use the volume up and the rewind to catch all the missed conversations. It was fun, sexy and often hilarious. Beautiful, sexy women doing all the things you watch porn for, but seemingly "persuaded" by the charming Ben. His line is the porn equivalent to Bond... James Bond, except it's "Hello. My name is Ben... Ben Dover" (as in bend over, if you don't get it). The highlight is the two girls at the driving range. I wont spoil it, but it is my favorite conclusion to any sex scene I've ever seen. I loved it!
Loser (2000)
Oh my Freaking Gawd!!
I'm sorry, was there a worse movie out in the last 15 or 20 years? I know Hollywood makes crap, now and then, but HOLY F**K! From the stupidly unbelievable "home" scene at the start, to the college with not a single decently developed character in it, including the main characters. The producers must have spent 50 times as much on the soundtrack as they did on the screenplay. Holy crap this movie's bad! Ugh! There was not one, single, genuine scene in the entire movie. There's more depth to be had in a subway poster. Oh, there are worse movies, I am sure. There's got to be one out there, surely. I can't think of one, but surely there must. Someone help me out here. Is there a crappier move made with less crappy actors? Man! I think I need a bath to get rid of this stink!
Transformers (2007)
One haunting question...
Okay, first let me say that I didn't enjoy the toys as a kid, and I thought the TV series sucked. Maybe THAT'S why I liked the movie.
I never thought I'd like any movie by Michael Bay, and Steven Spielberg certainly didn't add any value to the movie with his insistence on making Bumblebee be the teen's first car, but ultimately, I enjoyed much of the finished product. The dialog was not great. Shia Laboeuf was nothing special (they should have used the kid from 3rd rock from the sun). My god! Yes, Megan Fox is frigging hot and yes, the Australian geek was annoying. I agree with all of that.
Call me lazy, but there's 1500 comments on this film, and I don't want to search them all for the one thing I want to know...
WHY WOULD SHIA AND MEGAN MAKE OUT ON TOP OF BUMBLEBEE AT THE END OF THE MOVIE?
I can put up with all the other crap, but after all of the harrowing experiences, after all of the damage and death and destruction. After Bumblebee was nearly destroyed and was obviously repaired at the end, why would you lay on top of your buddy, your friend, your brother-at-arms, even if you want to just look at him as your sentient-robotic-automobile-from-another-planet... why would you lay on top of him to have sex? It's a Spielberg film so I doubt it was for a little engine vibration, so why?
I've got to know.