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Compiled by me so you don't have to.
Also includes Surprising VA's and The 12 Days of Voicemas entries.
So many "Oh's", so many "ah's" and so many "Aaah's" Are said in this poorly animated mess of a film you'd swear that the script was written by a robot who constantly loves to say stuff like that.
How Mark Hamill and the other talanted VA's got involved in something like this still remains a mystery.
Felix the Cat: The Movie (1988)
"Boy you could use a map? Ah ha ha ha ha."
That quote right there, that quote easily tells you right there that Felix The Cat is a downright insane person that would look fine at a local Asylum.
Come to think of it, so does this film too. It constantly strangles itself like a crappy Poundland Bart Simpson knockoff and shoves so much weird and trippy imagery down our eyelids and our throats that there is literally, and I mean LITERALLY, no room to breathe for an actual story.
Or actual characters too.
Felix The Cat: The Movie is an 82 minute hellhole, hold on, what am I even saying lads, this is not a film, this is an exercise in constant unbearableness. An exercise even someone like Winnie The Pooh would give up after 4 seconds.
I, one of the few poor unfortunate souls (Disney reverencing aside) actually had this sucker on DVD. And even as a young lad I thought, watching Superman watching The Three Stooges watching Laurel and Hardy watching paint dry would have been more enjoyable than this.
Literally right at the start, the film throws you out of your comfy sofa with noise. "Oh the noise! Noise! Noise!" The Grinch basically summed the film up there.
The film never once SHUTS UP, once one character's talked, then another talks and random sound effects are put here and there. It's as if everyone part of the production thought "Oh no! The film's gonna be crap if it's quiet! Oh my! The kiddie winks will get bored if we don't give em noise!" and they ran around the studio shouting and yelling and thought "Yeah, that would make a good film."
No, it didn't lads. No, it bladdy well didn't.
Also I think this must be the first animated film where you'll want everyone dead within under 4 seconds...
The incredibly irritating and rather psychopathic Felix who could make even Hannibal Lecter cry in his sleep.
The two random guys who want his bag.
The unbelievably retarded princess who actually withdrew her army at the start despite the fact she KNOWS she needed them. (What a dumbarse.)
There is literally not one single human being or animal to root for here, you'll want to literally blow up the dreaded place.
Oh yes and what about the abysmal animation that looks rushed, unfinished and probably has tons of errors?
To those saying it looks like a Saturday morning cartoon, trust me, it wouldn't even look good as a Saturday morning cartoon. Even those choppy 70's cartoons look better than this.
Voice acting is unbelievably grating. I actually came out with a massive headache shortly afterwards. (I'll take all those bad things I said about you back Scaredy Squirrel, you ain't as grating as these miserable lot here.) There's not even a famous person(unless you count Alice Playten from Ridley Scott's Legend and the Disney version of Doug). Not to mention it hardly even matches the chuffin lip synch and in some parts it's so bloody loud you can't even understand what they're saying. Christ el mundo, was all this sound editing done by a one year old? Even then they would have done better.
Felix The Cat: The Movie is an unbearable psychedelic trip that not only hurts the eyes but blows up the ears as if it's some crappy Michael Bay film. Even as a drug it still wouldn't be fun in the slightest.
Everything grates on your nerves within 1 second and it completely spits on the legacy of this beloved character.
Easily one of the worst animated films ever made and a horrible experience I never want to revisit again.
Now run away children, run as fast as you can and never look back at this damn thing.
Ahhh, bad animated films. We love these kinds of flicks don't we? We love moaning about the annoying characters that we want to bash their brains out, we laugh at the rushed and cheap animation and we cringe at the crappy songs that won't make any of the Disney songwriters cry in their sleep.
Now with this little beauty here called The Magic Voyage, you have to take it with a magic pinch of salt.
You can either call it a horrible horrible film that has no redeeming qualities and is just annoying to watch, or you can go the extra mile and call it a bad film but still unbelievably funny to watch.
Guess which path I'm taking Sherlocks? Yep, that's right, the second path because I found the Magic Voyage to be a hysterical piece of animated trash from our good ol friends in Germany.
Now I can sort of see what they were going for here, they wanted to give Disney a good run for their money and try to make an animated film. They tried but they more or less failed on all accounts.
The animation here is unbelievably bad, like Paddy The Pelican levels of awfulness. This kind of thing would feel more right at home on 70's Saturday Morning TV with some other "classics" like all those toons focusing on those popular stars.
Oh yes you're also in for a treat, because like it's little brother Felix The Cat, half of the dialogue doesn't even match with the lips. Great fun for all, you could take a shot each time they make this error.
Voice acting is pretty bad, not like Felix though but still bad nonetheless. Look Mr DeLuise, I love you man but you just wasn't right for the role of Christopher Columbus and the less said about that wood character thingy the better.
Are you a person who loves history? Too bad, better look elsewhere because this is also packed with tons of historical accuracy, it goes completely off the walls and makes even Pocahontas look even more accurate by comparison.
Oh yes and this film doesn't know when to take a quick breathe just like Felix, so it's pretty loud half the time. I'm pretty sure, if this film was a real person, it would be dead in under 10 minutes or so.
Magic Voyage was hysterically bad and incredibly funny to watch. It's basically a trainwreck that is so big you can't help but just watch it anyway. A gigantic failure for all involved and pushes animation back 80 million years. (Hold on, did animation even exist back then? Beats me.) Right, I'm off to make my own historically inaccurate animated film. Byyyeeee.
Not as bad as many people say it is
Well, now that I've got that travesty known as Thomas & The Tragic Failroad out of the way, I've decided I might as well review all the direct to DVD specials that came out afterwards starting with Calling All Engines, the first of these many specials to be released.
And while a lot of people have thrown mouldy bananas, broken TV's, basically everything but the kitchen sink at this special, and given it a lot of crap, I actually found this to be not as bad as many fans has said it is.
Yes, I do agree it's odd to see Diesel 10 be nice and yes there was no need to put those educational segments in (A lesson which HIT thankfully learned afterwards), but this was a good special. Obviously it's not meant to be taken as a classic like say Citizen Kane (yes that does sound retarded) but it's a neat little special with a decent enough story.
Diesel 10 and Lady are in this but thankfully are given much smaller roles. (Still weird to see Diesel 10 being friendly though, it's like WHA?) And there were a couple of funny moments here and there. The model work is good for what it is, nothing groundbreaking but still done nice and the narration by (everybody's favourite or at that's what I think he is, yes hit me with a frying pan already) Michael Angelis is good.
So yes, don't have too much to say about Calling All Engines. Certainly isn't the best special but it's a fine way to burn 60 minutes of your time off.
Really fun special
Oh ho ho ho, before you ask why do you sound like Santa I'm doing that because this special, the second one released, was so damn fun to watch. And this is a special based on a kid's show...
So in this one Thomas finds the long lost town of Great Waterton and everyone tries to restore it to it's former glory. Then Stanley walks into his life and oh dear, Thomas starts thinking everyone likes Stanley more than him. So he runs off at nights but silly Thomas, he ends up falling inside a deep mine and goes missing.
If there's one word to call this special then right from the get go, that would be...
There's some really darn good moments here from the bridge collapsing to Thomas ending up in the mine. (You see that, Magic Railroad, ya see that? That is what you should have done instead of giving us a mopey looking Peter Fonda.) The story here is much better than Calling All Engines and BAH DA DA DAAAAAA, for the first and probably only time (unless HIT ever plans something like this again) we got a star narrator, in this case 007 himself Pierce Brosnan who does well with the material.
Oh yes and putting the absolutely overblown WELCOME STANLEY! meme aside, Stanley was a fairly interesting character. Crying shame he's hardly seen if you ask me.
What a fun special this was and a perfect sendoff for the models. Sadly though even with the latest CG technology the specials kinda went downhill for a bit as we'll see next with Hero Of The Rails...
Ice Age: Collision Course (2016)
Time to put this franchise on ice forever!
Original is not a word that comes to mind when watching the fifth (yes FIFTH) entry in this tired, worn, quite frankly burned out franchise.
What does come to mind however is the fact this franchise has gone on for far too long.
If you can't come up with any original ideas and you have to scrap the deepest barrel for the most unoriginal idea as possible, it's time to go.
If you can't keep your characters fresh and funny and make them more boring, dull and annoying to watch, it's time to go.
If you're out of jokes to use and you pull some random rabbit out of a hat and it's a rabbit that says "Think of some really bad jokes mate.", it's time to go.
If you have 4 (yes, I do mean 4) writers and not one of them can give any good dialogue out, it's time to go.
And when a franchise that is constantly dead in the water is still going like THIS, it's time to go.
I don't care if these films still make money, Fox, it's time to put this franchise on ice forever!
Poketto monsutâ (1997)
Best Pokemon series in ages, trust me
NOTE: So I was here to make my daily visit to do another reviews when I noticed to my surprise that the XY series seems to not have got a lot of good reviews with people saying the new characters are annoying, nothing has changed, to even one person hating the show just because it's not got any creatures from Diamond & Pearl. Bloody hell guys, what did you expect? It's goddamn Pokémon for crying out loud, either bugger off and stop wasting our loyal time or stop watching the show.
Sorry about that anyways, I'm more or less here to quickly say that XY to me is possibly the best Pokémon series of all time. Honestly we loyal Poke fans needed a more refreshing series after the disastrous and not very fun at all trainwreck that was Black & White and this series delivered on every level.
The characters are charming, Serena one of the finest Poke girls to come since I don't know, Dawn from D&P, Bonnie quite a funny characters that made me laugh my socks off and Clemont a really interesting character.
Not to mention Ash being the most confident he's ever been in the franchise.
Other characters are great with Professor Sycamore being my favourite Professor of all time and Alain one of my all time favourites and most of Ash's rivals were good too. (Did feel sorry for Trevor though, got knocked out of the league pretty early.) Team Flare are HANDS DOWN (and I do mean that) better here than in the games. Little old me felt their plan, their motivations were more developed and done better than in the games. Lysandre truly was a mastermind and he was pretty damn menacing to say the least.
The animation is truly brilliant with episodes like the battle against Olympia, Kalos League battle against Sawyer and the finale of the Team Flare arc some of the highlights.
And voice-acting from both English and Japanese sides were great (do have to admit, not too much of a fan of the dub's music though).
So overall, XY is probably hands down the best Pokémon series of all time.
There, I said it. Just don't throw tomatoes or broken TV's at me though because it's not gonna change my opinion.
Highlander: The Source (2007)
Highlander: The Sickening
"There can only be one." muttered Christopher Lambert, ready to knock Sean Connery into eight million pieces.
And quite frankly as many people can agree, there should have only been one.
But unfortunately Hollywood always sees dollar signs in it's eyes and so that's why it's been running around like some cheapo Hanna-Barbera knock off and throwing all these so called "sequels" to the cult classic in our silly little faces.
Many people run up to the hills and shout the second is the worst one of all. Others walk to the forest and laugh at the sheer cheapness of Endgame. And a few others choke up when The Final Dimension is mentioned. (Hey that rhymes but you won't give a crap.)
But this miserable, this really really shoddy and miserable excuse for a sequel also cuts the mustard. In fact it doesn't just cut the mustard, it causes the mustard to explode onto the floor, making a gigantic mess of everything.
That also explains the film's plot. It is quite frankly a gigantic mess, it honestly feels like the writers were running all over the place to find the most silliest plot devices as possible.
Here's the deal matey, Duncan and a bunch of other no-ones must find something called "The Source." What is it? Well I don't have a bladdy clue because no one can be bothered to go into any detail on what it is and what it does.
I hope you have a ton of beer and a couple of friends at the ready because this would surely make a fun drinking game. You all could take a drink and laugh out loud at all the childish Channel 5 level dialogue that the actors churn out of their mouths.
Also I'm sure there must have been some decent effects somewhere... because at this point I can't find them at all. Just some incredible amount of dodgyness. Dodgy CG, dodgy models, dodgy everything. Even everyone's hair feels dodgy and I'm pretty sure that's not what they were going for, trust me.
Every single one of the cast members looks bewildered by the silliness of it all, Adrian Paul looks like he walked out of a pub incredibly drunk and Jim Byrnes is crying on the inside of his brain, probably asking the producers could he leave so he can head back to Voice Acting Land? Everyone else is a bunch of unknowns and most of em can't act for toffee.
Also there is no such thing as "Direction" as not a single bit of it is to be found here. Then again I didn't expect much from Brett "I made that Lawnmower Man film where all the effects looked cool back then but are now unbelievably awful to look at" Leonard.
Final drill to your brain or your eyes or any part of the body is that it was done by the sheer mastermind of awfulness, Syfy. Ahhh yes, that channel that can do great programs and miniseries but can't make a film to save their lives. It's no wonder we keep getting cluttered with this kind of crap.
Davis and Panzer (the producers trying to keep this dead horse of a franchise alive) pretty much agreed with us all so the plug was pulled on the franchise and despite news of a remake coming soon, no one has attempted to make a sequel ever since.
Thank goodness for that, these sequels have been getting more sillier and sillier. It's like these films are actually a competition to see who can make the worst sequel. Mr Mulcahy still takes the cake with 2 but Mr Leonard ain't behind with this stinker.
Fun for aficionados of truly bad cinema, painful for everyone else.
Off to the scrapyard this film goes
Never in many a day have I ever seen a film so pitful, so awful, so gut bustingly bad, you would want to smash your TV up in anger and the sight of the dreadful thing.
That thing is Thomas & The Ma *Coughcough*, sorry about that, I seem to have drank the wrong bottle of Cola. Ahh yes, Thomas & The Tragic Failroad.
This should in no way under any circumstances be considered a film, instead it should be called a 90 minute patience test that would even make an avid fan of the franchise go bananas.
Is there anything good though? Well yes there sort of is, Hummie Mann's score was good for the most part and I liked the voice acting. Some were good (like Neil Crone as Thomas), some were painfully miscast (Susan Roman as James).
Still at least the voice actors put on better performances than any of the miserable, lifeless, so called human actors this film has to offer.
These are not actors, these are dead lifeless vessels we're staring at.
The one that really takes the cake is Peter Fonda, who is so awful in this film it's not even fun to watch.
He looks and sounds so bored and his line delivery is so stilted, you'll be thinking he got drunk.
How he didn't get a Razzie I'll never know?
I know mate, those glory days of Easy Rider are way behind ya pal.
Alec Baldwin's irritating as Mr Conductor and only Mara Wilson (in her sad final role) seems to be doing better but it's still not saying much.
On the other hand, the villain Diesel 10 is crap, not menacing in the slightest, he's about as scary as a cute plush bear at a toy store. He and his useless comedy sidekicks are just here to be your typical clichéd Hollywood villains who laugh... a lot.
Newcomer Lady is quite frankly dull as incredibly soggy dishwater, she's hardly in the film and when she does appear she STILL does nowt for most of her screen time! Talk about a useless pile of scrap if I've seen one.
Plot's an old of cobbles too and the dialogue is so cringe worthy, it's not even funny. It's just depressing to listen to.
It's so awful the train's mouths don't even move. It's like it's god damn ventriloquism!
So crappy plot, useless villain, useless new character, lifeless performances all around (except for the voice cast) and ear bleedingly bad dialogue. Yep, another film to add in my bad books.
I just love how everyone says that this should have gone straight-to-video.
Nah guys, you're putting it way too mildly there.
Straight-to-the nearest bin-where-it-should-never be seen again is a far more better option.
No wonder Britt Allcroft buggered off after the film died at the box office.
Now off to the scrapyard you go so I can never remember this film again.
It's certainly caused a lot of *Snigger* confusion and delay.
The Fat Controller certainly wouldn't approve. At least he ain't in it though.
Dirty Grandpa (2016)
Really unwatchable mess
Mr De Niro continues to flush those glorious days of Goodfellas and Raging Bull down the toilet with this...
quite possibly the most unwatchable comedy ever made which is a reason why I won't take long with this stinker.
There's all sorts of jokes for all the family, sex jokes, toilet jokes, fart jokes, molestation jokes, rape jokes, homophobic jokes.
Oooh, fun for all the family.
Meanwhile I'm sat here wondering, why the hell is Robert De Niro in this? Surely he should have learned by now and same goes to Zac Efron too.
Even a drink won't get you pass this one, trust me.
Tom and Jerry: The Movie (1992)
The ultimate middle finger to a beloved cartoon.
Scooby-Doo, Inspector Gadget, The Flintstones, Fat Albert, Thunderbirds, Thomas & Friends.
These are just some of the many beloved shows from our childhood that those greedy maniacs at Hollywood have butchered and turned them into soulless cinematic drivel of the highest order...
Whenever it's being turned into bug eyed, dead looking CG maniacs that look more right at home in a local asylum, to completely ignoring everything what made the original so great in favour of making a quick buck, none of these poor poor shows were sacred.
Yet out of all of these classic childhood shows, I think the entire population can agree that our dear cat and mouse team Tom & Jerry had it the worst.
Literally some right winged idiot either at Miramax, Turner or Film Roman had the bright idea of breaking a golden rule in Animation and that rule was "Thou shall not make Tom & Jerry talk."
Those maniacs, they went ahead and broke it.
And what we got was the most painful and quite shocking 84 minutes in the history of animation.
To see these two animated icons talk and become friends with each other should not be considered fun, it's heartbreaking to say the least.
The song they sing "Friends To The End" is enough to make even the most avid Tom & Jerry fan cry in their sleep.
But these fools decided to go the extra mile and make a film....
that isn't even focused on Tom & Jerry at all.
Aunt Figg, Lickboot (with his memorable Money quote and for some odd reason I like), Captain Kiddie are some of the characters they meet... and quite frankly (besides Lickboot) none of these so called "characters" are likable in any sense of the word.
And so off Tom & Jerry go to save a little girl (they even go the extra mile and rip off the Rescuers just to tick Uncle Walt of) and they sing a whole ton of crap songs, talk and talk and do a whole bunch of other things and I DON'T CARE, drinking bleach would be a far more enjoyable option than ever seeing something as joyless at this again.
Forget The Smurfs, forget Rocky & Bullwinkle, forget Thunderbirds and forget even those crap Chipmunk films, this is the ultimate middle finger to a beloved cartoon...
And it's not even a live action or CG film.
Thank god no one ever dared to try do something like this again.
PS: The fact that Joseph Barbera acts as "Creative Consultant" and the fact he was alright with seeing his beloved show get destroyed in front of his eyes kinda bugs me a bit...
"Were you surprised?" Not really to be honest.
Right, Hoopa & The Clash Of Ages, 18th film in the Pokémon series, grab me a pack of Wotsits and let's a go.
One thing I'm gonna get straight outta the way is, it is sort of (and I mean sort of since this film is also plagued with problems) better than the Diancie film which in my silly little humble opinion felt like an overlong episode of the show... and a boring one too. Here it doesn't feel like that, it has a bit of an epic feel to it, there are at least some stakes here and not endless padding.
So the plot is Ash and pals (if you're living under a rock that's the XY companions who are Serena, Bonnie and Clemont) have gone to Dahara City and in no time at all they soon meet a Pokémon named Hoopa who has a fetish for donuts and loves surprising people. Taking care of this chum is Barza and Meray. Fortunately for everyone, Team Rocket (being the clumsy fools they are) accidentally release the giant form of Hoopa and it soon becomes a frantic race against time to get the giant form back into the bottle.
Now I must admit, this story has some good potential, Pokémon has never done anything like this before so surely they must have had some good ideas up their sleeves right? Well the actual execution to me seems rather disappointing to be honest with ya.
Because the film was released with a Pikachu short, the film only has at least 76 minutes to try and get a plot as big as this into one roof, and while some stuff do work, others don't. This my friend, was certainly the case where I thought a longer running-time could have helped make the story flow better.
Surprisingly enough, tons of Legendary Pokémon make appearances thanks to Hoopa so if you are a Pokémon aficionado I hope you've got your notebooks at the ready.
Lugia, Latios, Latias, Rayquaza, Primal Groudon, Primal Kyogre, Dialga, Palkia, Giratina, and Kyurem all appear... unfortunately for some (especially Dialga, Palkia, Groudon and Kyogre) they aren't really given that much to do. Still nice to see Latios and Latias again.
One of the highlights of the film was of course the battle against the legendaries, this scene made some pretty decent use of animation and CG all fluidly done. It was great fun to watch.
Another disappointing part and *SPOILER IF YOU AIN'T SEEN IT* is where Ash turns evil for a bit. Honestly the trailer made it look like he was about to do something quite bad yet the film reduces it to just 2 minutes of it. Quite wasted potential if you ask me.
So what's the dub like? Well for the most part the acting is quite good (and no I ain't throwing any complaints at the TPC actors, it's been done far enough, so there, nah nah ne nah nah), Sarah Natochenny's good as Ash, Haven Paschell's great as Serena, Michael Liscio Jr makes a fine Clemont and Alyson Leigh Rosenfeld really stands out as Bonnie.
Guest stars do good too (except for one though), Daniel J Edwards did a decent job as Baraz and Emily Woo Zeller was also good as Meray.
However I can not and I repeat I CAN NOT say the same for Hoopa who's English voice is absolutely grating. This shrill and nasally excuse for a voice almost nearly took my enjoyment out of the film and I honestly wanted to blow Hoopa's brains out because I couldn't stand it.
Also the English music is quite frankly awful, completely ruining any excitement out of most of the scenes and replacing it with a big pile of nothing.
So there we have it my pals, Hoopa & The Clash Of Ages. In short, it's better than Diancie though it's still rather disappointing in it's execution. Hoopa's English voice is crap and it could have been longer but it's still okay for what it is. Just not something I would go outta my way to see again.
As for Volcanion though... hmmmm. Get me a ticket, cause we're off to whatever that steam place is ma pals. It's gonna be a bumpy ride, trust me!
RoboCop 3 (1993)
How the mighty cop has fallen!
Oh dear, deary me, I'm reviewing this film stuck up a tree!
Oh dear, deary me, it's not a place for a reviewer to be!
Still I must admit, getting stuck up a tree for 2 hours would be more preferable than having to watch 2 hours of quite frankly, the biggest disgrace to any franchise in the universe... not even something like Batman & Robin is as bad as this. (Yes, I just mentioned that film)
Honestly just reading the plot in one go, you'll think this must have been attempted as some sort of parody.
At least, that's what most of the cast felt it was gonna be as nearly everyone is running around playing the frantic game we all know and love called "Who Can Overact The Most?" and everyone would have probably won the grand prize of a dream holiday as there is tons and I mean TONS of overacting from everyone across the board.
Robert John Burke is quite embarrassing as Robocop himself, hell even that bootleg Robert Cop toy could have given a better performance.
It's not the rubbish acting from everyone that killed the film though...
It's the fact some idiot at Orion thought "You know what could make this film even better? Let's cater it to the younger audience, we don't give a crap about the older fans. GREENLIGHT!"
Yep, your favourite cop has been downsized to a PG-13 audience meaning he won't be stabbing villains in the heart and causing blood and guts to fly everywhere.
Instead he'll take the quite frankly terrible and cheesy villains out in some of the worst ways possible.
Oh yes, did we forget to tell you he can fly now since he has wings?
YAAAY, MORE TOY MARKETING!
Anyhoo, the special effects are quite awful as well and even though Basil Poledorius is back from the first even his score is bland. (Can you blame him? Look at what he had to work with!)
So to put it frankly, Robocop 3 is a pile of dog poop. And it smells really bad too.
As for the cop himself I'm sorry to say that after this disaster he never recovered. The poor guy got shoved onto TV afterwards with a crap TV show, a mediocre cartoon and a mediocre mini-series. Even the recent remake hasn't done him any favours.
Maybe it's time he shut himself down and left us alone.
Yeah, that would be more better.
No matter how hard everyone else tried, there will never a better Robocop than the original.
Now can someone get me down from this tree please? I've been here for way too long now and I need to return to my life.
Norm of the North (2016)
The antichrist of animation
Good lord.... god almighty.
Words cannot describe this heinous disaster that Lionsgate have given us.
I can't imagine what the producers were even thinking.
Were they laughing in our faces when they sneaked it into the theatres?
Or were they crying in shame at what they had just made?
Chances are it's the first answer.
I just can't explain how bad this so called "animated comedy" is.
First of all, there is no comedy.
Just a bunch of miserable unfunny things going on that the writers call "funny". Not even Tommy Cooper would be laughing at anything this film has to offer.
Then there isn't a plot to be found.
Well actually I lied, there is a plot somewhere. But once you dig deep into the surface like Nicolas Cage going insane over a decades old bike, you'll find it's a plot you've seen before. (Case in point Madagascar, one of the films you should instead watch)
There isn't any animation here either.
Well again there is but it's straight to DVD quality. Everyone moves jerky, the art style feels lame, the colour palate is typical. This "thing" certainly won't be giving any other straight to DVD animated films nightmares anytime soon.
There isn't any characters, just walking dead lifeless fossils doing things. And nearly all of them are annoying as the heavens above.
No voices too. What we got is constant shouting, yelling and pain from these actors.
Rob Schenider should know better than to keep putting his name on stuff like this. Ken Jeong is as grating as he's ever been and I didn't give two craps about anyone else.
And how dare they waste Bill Nighy too?
Charlie Adler, Jess Harnell and a couple other well-known voice-actors are there too but even this film isn't one of their finest hours.
Hold on, why did I just call it a film?
It isn't one.
It's a humorous black hole that'll suck the life out of you and your family if you dare watch it.
It's the antichrist of animation, a disaster so unbearable, you'll might even die of horror watching the bloody thing.
And the fact it's produced by the same person who did Superted (Mike Young) just terrifies me to almost no end.
Just how did he put his name onto this?
Even the voice directing feels non-existent and when it's got Buster Bunny (Charlie Adler) and Oshawott (Lisa Ortiz) trying their best yet it still isn't there, you deserve all the scorn your film gets.
I hope you're happy Splash Entertainment and Lionsgate.
I really hope you are.
Casper: A Spirited Beginning (1997)
Absolutely terrible prequel!
Just one look at the trailer that IMDb has to offer should tell you to steer clear of this dreadful excuse for a prequel.
However if you're a bit of a weirdo who likes to dip your toes into all sorts of random stuff, be my guest and take a nice seat.
We kick things off with an incredibly awful song at the start of the film, it's enough to make you wanna fling the disc out of the window. The fact we have people like KC & The Sunshine Band doing the songs make you think "Dang, they must have been desperate."
If you thought the pain was gonna stop there, oh no, for we must dig deeper into this soulless drivel.
The film starts off all CG with a ghost train sequence... and oh man this CG looks as dated as a soggy can of tuna. Honestly, everyone looks really cut price and very TV like here, you'll swear they probably blew all the budget into getting some well known actors.
Once Casper gets kicked off the train and lands in our world, things do not pick up... in fact it only gets worse from here.
There is not a single ounce of humour to be found, not one single bit. Everyone running away from Casper in a cartoon-like style to me just doesn't cut the mustard and makes everyone looks like a bumbling idiot.
The acting is quite purely dreadful from nearly everyone, most of these actors feel more at home on some rubbish CITV or CBBC sitcom that would get cancelled after only 10 eps or so.
Steve Guttenberg continues to fall off the film chart, the child actor is grating to say the least and any film that has Pauly Shore in it (besides A Goofy Movie because he's hardly in it but whatever) should come with a warning sign attached to the cover.
The only people coming out with any dignity is James Earl Jones who's good as the main villain besides the fact he's given nowt to do for most of the film, Bill Farmer, Jess Harnell and Jim Ward as Stinky, Fatso and Stretch who do fine despite the largely unfunny material they're given and possibly Lori Loughlin who does alright as well.
And it's quite fun to see some cameos from people like Ben Stein, Michael McKean and even a pre Starship Troopers Casper Van Dein.
But other than that, that is it, that's all this rubbish prequel has to offer in terms of goodness.
The fact this piece of rubbish went straight to video should have immediately told people it ain't worth watching.
And the fact that Saban made it too... it's starting to remind me way too much of Power Rangers now, god dammit.
Go go Power Rangers?
How can anyone even find this entertaining?
Wow, the summary title says it all doesn't it?
Now as of me, I do enjoy a good Crimbo film every now and then. You turn on the telly, grab a nice drink of Cola or Coffee or even some random juice or something silly like that, and you enjoy a nice little film.
Stuff like The Muppet Christmas Carol, Home Alone, It's A Wonderful Life, all that kind of wonderful stuff. These are beautiful Christmas films that has really good acting, some funny humour and of course something that'll tug your heart till you fall off your seat.
Now you're probably thinking, why are you talking about other random Christmas films and not The Grinch my fellow bloke? Well, I say that because unlike all those other films I just mentioned The Grinch will probably instead immediately turn you into an absolute grouch by the time the credits start rolling.
I'm dead serious, serious even to the bottom of my legs. I can not for the life of me stand this film whatsoever. Now before you all start chucking Tomatoes and broken TV's at me, I can STILL understand the appeal of this film so I'm not gonna whinge and moan at you all to not watch it because... you still can, I'm not greedy like that you know.
What I am gonna do (for the others who don't wanna see it) tell you how awful this film is.
First things first and probably most foremost, this is Jim Carrey at his absolute grating. Just look at him, look at him on ya TV screen. Running around, endlessly shouting, spurting out references the entire population will forget in under a second. Jesus, this Grinch gives the current CBBC presenters of today a run for their money.
Another thing that's also foremost is Ron Howard's direction. (Spoiler alert: he's completely mis-directed) It feels off. Way too off for something like the Grinch, I can understand that he's going for a sort of wacky Burtonesque feel to it but in my eyes it makes the film look more tacky than it's supposed to be.
Speaking of tacky, that sort of explains the jokes too. All tacky and rubbish like that crap joke you get in some cheap Christmas cracker. None of it stuck to me and I completely forgot about any of the jokes.
And even at 90 or 100 something minutes, I honestly feel like the film's running 8 hours because everything is so loud and frantic you'll want to bash yourself on the head 8 million times and run around shouting "THE NOISE! THE NOISE!" so that the pain will stop.
So any good stuff? Well, they kept that "You're A Mean One" song in (though it's a prime example I should be watching the far better Chuck Jones version instead).
Ummm, Anthony Hopkins did a good job as the narrator. And Cindy Lou Who was the only one I even cared about, honestly I just wanted her to put the Grinch out his misery.
So as you probably already knew, I hated this Grinch. Every minute of it was grating and I too now feel like a grumpy Grouch.
BAH-HUMBUG! Yeah, you can all put it with your other Christmas classics, as for me I'm putting it in the bin with other Christmas clunkers like Jingle All The Way and Santa With Muscles so I never have to put up with anything like this again.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the true version (Chuck Jones) so I can wipe those horrid memories away. Good day sir.
Inspector Gadget (2015)
Boom! Did you hear that sound?
Something tells me another childhood favourite has bitten the dust and has been replaced by a lifeless CG version.
Oh my, the word's gone out.
It's poor old Inspector Gadget. Oh man, one of my big childhood heroes. We all know what the original series was like, it had good animation, funny jokes and memorable characters.
But no, I'm not here to praise the original like some happy type of guy who just had his first taste of coffee, I'm here to say that this so-called "updated" version ain't worth your time.
There, I said it.
What, you want more? Alright then. I'll have to think of cunning ways to tell you why you shouldn't watch it.
Ooh, I know.
What if I told you that Inspector Gadget has been turned into an annoying and bumbling fool who falls other every time just to get a cheap laugh from the audience?
Will that turn ya off? No. Okay, what if I told you that Dr Claw isn't menacing in the slightest and has an actor who overacts so much you'll pine for the days of Frank Welker?
Oh and even better, what if I said he has a new sidekick who is irritating? Still not enough.
Jeez, you're a tough one.
Well, how about the ugly and unappealing animation that looks rushed and dull? Or the fact it's the usual Canadian toon that has 2 segments nowadays in one episode which means everything is rushed?
Is that fine for ya?
Hold on a minute, no one's here. Damn, must have been talking to myself.
Sigh, I think I might as well stick a DVD of the old and far better Gadget on. And to anyone who was listening, don't watch it, it ain't worth it. There's only so much we can do with our lives...
Same movie as that other (shudder) thing
Okay, stop me if you've heard this...
Have you ever watched a movie or a sequel (seeing how this acts like one) and felt it was just doing the same thing the first was doing?
Certainly felt that right there.
The plot is a bit different from the Hulk one but unfortunately all the same problems you hated about the Iron Man & Hulk film are still here...
And they turned up the badness volume to 8000.
Of course you know what that means...
The childish dialogue no sane hero would ever say is still here... except it's somehow even more childish and cringy to listen to. Well done writers.
The humour that wasn't funny in the Hulk film is still here... And if this doesn't ring a bell, I don't know what will but it still isn't funny.
The rather monotone voice work is still here.... except it's more monotone than ever before and when you even have Clancy Brown in your cast, that is not a good thing.
The painfully bad and lifeless animation is still here.... except it looks more lifeless with everyone moving more jerkily than ever before and some really REALLY bad fight choreography. You'll swear it looks like they're trying a spot of ballerina dancing instead.
Basically, I could have just copied and pasted everything I said about the Hulk film and the whole review would be almost identical.
Because that's what this miserable piece of crap is, identical. Identical in how poor the animation is, identical that no one in the cast seems to be giving it his or her all and identical in that you shouldn't even be thinking about plunking your money on something like this.
"Groundbreaking CG Animation!" I've seen more ground-breaking animation on an old Atari 2600 game, and that is truly saying something.
Not so super
Marvel may be the king of the world in terms of their blockbuster films but in terms of animated ones they've been for the most part slumming it like a wet dog on a hot summer's day. And even a wet dog can do better.
Sadly Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United might be one of their worst animated films in quite a while.
Not Howard The Duck or 90's Captain America levels of bad, mind you (even though they aren't animated films), but nevertheless still an absolute mess.
So two Hydra scientists have supercharged Iron Man's Arc Reactor with Hulk's Gamma Energy and created a electricity thing called Zzzaxx. Obviously Iron Man and Hulk (who did you expect if was gonna be?) are the only ones who can take him down but first they've gotta go through a whole ton of other villains.
They also have to face off with some really childish dialogue. I mean, no sort of super hero or villain would ever say anything as silly as the stuff the film presents. They'd be cringing till their pants fall down.
The Marvel trademark of humour is also here but it's very rarely funny and feels more like a distraction than anything else.
Voice acting is pretty eh as well. David Kaye's good as Jarvis but Adrian Pasdar's voice feels off for Iron Man. He's supposed to sound like some millionaire guy, not some random college student.
Oh yes and the animation is quite frankly abysmal, even for Marvel standards. It's meant to be cel-shaded to make it feel like a comic but everyone moves in a jerky type of move and it feels so choppy that you won't even notice.
Sorry Marvel, DC's still the king of animated films.
Scaredy Squirrel (2010)
Just SpongeBob all over again...
Hmmm, Scaredy Squirrel. I heard this was based off a children's book so they must have captured the essence of that book right?
Trust the modern Nelvana to create something as ear burningly bad as this show.
Man oh man, if there ever was a show that explains what is wrong with Canadian animation today, then go ahead and put Scaredy Squirrel in my bad books.
Ye are all in for a bad time, your eyes, your ears. Nowt will be spared.
Ready to take on Scaredy's shill, loud and grating voice through these 100 something segments? (What is it with Canadian shows having 2 segments in an episode by the way?)
I hope you are because this unlikeable little sh*t goes through all sorts of crazy slapstick adventures.
He has a starfish who is his best friends and likes being with him, a squid who is annoyed to buggery with him, a squirrel who li....
Hold the phone bud, I'm talking about SpongeBob aren't I? Well my dear person reading this review, that's because the show is nothing more than SpongeBob.
Scaredy's SpongeBob, that bird (whatever his name is) is Patrick, even the supermarket has Krusty Krab written all over it.
The only thing different is the art style and animation of course (though it's the same style that's plagued most Canadian toons these days).
Come to think of it, you're better off watching SpongeBob instead, new ep or not.
Thank god there's a magic thing called "Reruns".
Open Season: Scared Silly (2015)
Close the season already.
Sigh, another day, another Open Season sequel. That also means another day that Sony opens up it's wallet, throws whatever small amount of money they can in other studio's faces and tells them "Go make an Open Season sequel but with less of the good humour. Oh and none of the actors from the other films."
At this point though, Sony must have honestly given up.
Too content with making really huge blockbusters *coughcoughStinkers*, they decided the baton must be passed to the Canadians. And thus nearly all of the production was done in Canada, the animation (done by Rainmaker Entertainment, same ones who did Reboot back in the Mainframe days and Ratchet & Clank), the voice acting (who actually do a much better job then anyone in the 3rd film though it's nothing to run home and shout about), maybe even the writing was done by Canadians.
Too bad then that ever since the 3rd sequel, the franchise has ditched the word "Funny" and decided a bunch of measly Christmas cracker jokes would do instead... oh and poop jokes too, lots of em. Therefore you probably won't be laughing at anything these critters say but you'll instead be thinking "How the devil are Sony still making these?".
And the plot's a load of codswallop too, the whole film is basically Elliot trying to scare the living daylights out of Boog.
Yeah, would have worked as an 8 minute cartoon, a 10 minute episode of a show or even a 22 minute TV special. But as an 87 minute film, paah ha ha ha ha you're having a laugh there chums! There's only so much they can do with this kind of material and by the time the mystery of whatever that Werewolf Elliot keeps talking about is finally revealed, the only thing you'll be doing is checking your watch.
So yeah Open Season: Scared Silly. Not as bad as the other films I've seen so far (hence why it gets the 3 rating) but still Sony, this season has gone on far enough and little old me says it's time to close it for good and let the animals have peace for once.
Then again, Sony's probably not caring since they're rolling around in money like Scrooge McDuck. Beats me.
The Wacky World of Tex Avery (1997)
It ain't wacky and it sure ain't funny.
Ahhh, Tex Avery. A wonderful animation legend that gave us so many memorable characters such as Bugs Bunny, Screwy Squirrel and of course Droopy and that wolf. He perfected the art of squash and stretch animation and his toons are loved by millions of fans everywhere.
Which was an absolute crying shame when those hacks at DIC (now DHX Media) decided they would rather pee all over his legacy and blatantly use his name and his style of animation for quite possibly the most insulting piece of TV animation ever made.
And they succeeded.
Instead of the wacky humour and delightful mayhem the real Tex Avery gave you, what DIC instead does is shove some appallingly bad plots, quite frankly unoriginal characters, animation that is so tasteless you'll feel sick after watching and the so called "comedy" in your face... hard.
You'll also get a decent cast including Billy West, Cree Summer, Maurice LaMarche, Ian James Corlett and Lee Tockar. They honestly try... they really do but in the end you'll be in tears thinking how these talented voice actors stumbled their way into this mess.
For extra plain cartoon goodness, buy that Droopy DVD set or something. For a massive insult to an animation legend, look no further than The Wacky World Of Tex Avery.
DIC will thank you for it.... and poor old Tex himself will be rolling in his grave.
Thunderbirds Are No-Go
I'm quite possibly a huge fan of Gerry Anderson's stuff. Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlett, Stingray, even his lesser known shows (well except The Secret Service, I thought that was naff but still), you name it, I enjoy it.
So how dare they even make a film about the Thunderbirds.... even though they're hardly in the chuffing film to begin with! Instead all we get are some silly and quite frankly stupid shenanigans involving a sadly annoying Alan Tracy running around Tracy Island trying to save the Tracy family from an incredibly over-acting Ben Kingsley as The Hood.
Too bad then, that he gets trapped by a tidal wave of terrible dialogue, unfunny moments that would make even the Spy Kids cringe with envy and most importantly a complete lack of respect to the original source material.
Even Hans Zimmer's score is nowhere near the excellence of Barry Gray.
When even your creator calls it the biggest pile of crap he's ever watched you know your film is completely doomed...
Fantastic Four (2015)
This film might make you hate everything about the FF!
The Fantastic Four still haven't got a good movie! Can't you believe it? First Roger Corman tried making one but didn't bother releasing it and when we did finally see it, it was pretty darn awful. Then Fox had a go with the 2005 series and even though the two films we got were okay I wouldn't go out of my way to call them the best superhero flicks ever.
Yet here we are with another attempt to bring the superhero family to the big screen and make no bones about it.... this film is absolute vomit.
An unbearable amount of awfulness is what awaits you in this all singing, all dancing (certainly not any of those) 100 minute explosion which goes out of it's way to ruin everything you know and love about The Fantastic Four.
All the characters are dull and uninteresting. You won't even care when our four main heroes get their powers because the script is that appallingly written, all you can do is kick back and laugh at every single word that comes out of the actor's mouths.
Acting is almost non-existent, these characters don't even feel like humans. They feel more like dead walking zombies to me. Even everyone looks bored on the poster itself.
The CG is absolutely atrocious, this film was released in 2015 yet these effects look more right at home on a PlayStation 2 or Xbox game. No even better, they look better on a Commodore Amiga.
The film is incredibly rushed due to the 100 minute running time leaving little to no time for development for anyone. (Not that you'll want any because all these characters are as dull as someone's shiny forehead.)
Even Doctor Doom looks so retarded and ugly you'll want to punch him right in the face. (You ain't got nowt on Julian McMahon)
And to think that Marvel cancelled the comic book series for this...
It's clear that Fox just doesn't know how to make a good FF film and just like Steven Seagal needs to stop making all those crap straight to DVD films we've seen 8 billion and fifty nine times before, Fox just needs to give up and give the FF back to Marvel where they'll be able to do justice.
Or maybe the FF is unfilmable.
I don't know, nevertheless avoid this disaster of a film at all costs otherwise you'll end up hating the Fantastic Four for the rest of your miserable life.
A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)
This isn't Die Hard! This is a pale imitation of Die Hard!
And I wish I was joking with that title I made but nope this is a proper Die Hard film all the way though...
and a terrible one at that.
The plot makes little to no sense, Jai Courtney is incredibly irritating, the villains have no depth to them at all and are so terribly written they are certainly nowhere near the depth of greatness as the other villains (especially Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons).
You know it's so bad when even Bruce Willis looks bored and decides to phone it in for most of the film.
Add some action scenes that are abused to death with really shoddy CG and you have the worst entry in the Die Hard series.