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Catacombs (2007)
Terrible film.
Yeah, this film is bad. Here is a sample from the discussion board for this film:
"me an my friend watched this about a year back watching it again now as i type this movie is amazing i would totally go to one of those partys!! the end was amazing i really felt bad for her it was *beep* what happened
lets say that it was so good that me an my friend had to have a ciggarette in -5 dagree weather and discuss the film that doesn't happen but once in a blue moon it was one of the best movies we have watched together
i highly recremend it"
If you don't see anything wrong in the spelling and grammar of the quote above then it is possible that you will love this film. I warn everybody else that the quote above has been thought out better, has fewer mistakes, makes more sense, is more intelligent and ultimately even closer to being an actual work of art than the piece of sh!t film it refers to. I may not agree with the opinion stated therein, but I found the post itself to be approximately 6000x more entertaining and worthwhile than the film.
Ratter (2015)
beware the ubiquitous shill reviews...heed the advice of the real people here...this film is shite
I ain't wasting much time on this pile of trucking fash.
there's a lot of people pumping this film up, making it seem in some way worthwhile, but it simply isn't. this is a non-event. you will be bored shirtless if you try and watch it. go watch paint dry or dogs rooting or clowns crying or literally anything else in the world.
Self-harm would probably be a better option. As many have rightfully said, this film is goddamn boring and pointless...just a terrible attempt.
No redeeming features whatsoever. And certainly not a "horror" film.
Apparently I need more lines for this review to be accepted so here's some more words and sentences and stuff. In fact here's a recipe for vegan mac and cheese. Because this film doesn't deserve any more time.
CREAMY VEGAN MAC AND CHEESE
PRINT PREP TIME 10 mins COOK TIME 10 mins TOTAL TIME 20 mins
Super Creamy Vegan Mac and Cheese Author: Lindsay Rey Cuisine: American Serves: 4-5 INGREDIENTS 10 ounces dried macaroni (or about 2⅔ cups) 1 cup peeled/diced yellow potatoes (or russets) ¼ cup peeled/diced carrots ⅓ cup chopped onion ¾ cup water (preferably use liquid from pot of boiled veggies) ½ cup raw cashews ¼ cup coconut milk 2 tablespoons nutritional yeast flakes 1 tablespoon lemon juice ¾ to 1 teaspoon salt (or more to taste) ¼ teaspoon garlic powder 1 pinch cayenne pepper (optional) 1 pinch paprika INSTRUCTIONS Cook macaroni al dente, according to package instructions (usually requires boiling for 6-8 minutes in salted water), drain, and set aside. Bring several cups of water to boil in a small pot. Place chopped potatoes, carrots, and onion in the boiling water, and cook for about 10 minutes, or until vegetables are tender and soft enough to blend. Cooking time will vary slightly, based on how small you have chopped your veggies. When veggies are soft enough to blend, use a slotted spoon to remove them from cooking water, and place them in your blender. Add ¾ cup of that cooking water to your blender, along with your remaining ingredients. Blend until smooth. Pour sauce over your cooked macaroni noodles in a dish of your choice, taste for salt, and serve immediately. Or, place macaroni mixture in a baking dish, sprinkle with bread crumbs, and bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 15 minutes, or until crumbs are turning golden brown. NOTES If you are not using a high-speed blender (like Vitamix of Blendtec) for this recipe, I recommend soaking your cashews for at least 30 minutes before attempting this recipe. This recipe is adapted from VegNews' Vegan Macaroni and Cheese: http://vegnews.com/articles/page.do?pageId=40&catId=10
at least the vegan mac and cheese is bloody good.
They Look Like People (2015)
Meh. Nothing really actually happens.
Promises much, delivers little. It looks really nice and is quite intriguing in ways, but eventually you realise you're just being strung along. Chances are you'll fight your way through assuming that there must be some grand revelation, some amazing moment when everything falls into place and you suddenly realise the sheer brilliance of the film. Instead a couple of blokes hug in a basement and the film ends.
Kinda like "brokeback mountain" meets a watered down boring-ass version of "they live", except that I've never seen brokeback mountain, and all I know about the film is some blokes hug in it at some point or something.
Anyway, this film sets its pace in the first few minutes and tricks you into thinking something might happen, but it don't. Watch the first two minutes of the film, and the last two minutes and you've seen everything you need to see.
Some people will absolutely love this film, however, so be it. It just did nothing for me. Kinda reminds me of that book by Joseph Heller called "Something Happened" where nothing happens.
The Intruders (2015)
Don't bother.
I think I meant to watch Intruders (2015) and instead somehow ended up with this crud: The Intruders (2015). This isn't gonna be a long review because the less time we all waste here the better.
It was absolutely fecking painful to watch, they have taken a few ideas used successfully in other films and done bugger all with them.
Oh man, you know what, I can't even be bothered critiquing this POS, it was depressingly bad and just trying to think about it now that it is over is making seriously want to die.
I need a drink.
Just skip it, no redeeming features whatsoever.
Sensoria (2015)
drip drip drip
So damn boring...heavy drugs couldn't put you to sleep like this film.
first attempt. i fell asleep i took copious scribbled and barely legible notes, some still hard to interpret, possibly due to poor handwriting, possibly due to 2 serries and 4 dirty resin buckets consumed directly prior to screeening... anyway notes from first attempt shows some hope and promise when the film opens with a lovecraft quote..cool.. fade to black and then interior shot, some house witchcrafty looking Shiite about , a copy of book titled "witch's bible"..which witch? fade black flash forward, present day somebody put a rose on a tombstone. from what i gather nothing you see in this film has any real relevance to how the story place out and you can pretty much ignore everything. it's pretty crud.
anyway, notes from first attempt "fair decent score so far"
"nicely filmed" "Oh wow somebody spoke, is this a foreign film? OK cool.." "HARD SUBS" "CREEPO IN HOTEL"- accompanied by terrible small biro sketch
"oh grave flower lady lives in hotel, cool"
"6:00min in, will anything, something please ever happen?"
"ooh wow late night tooth brush buzzing and a lady walking in a reflection! cool!" And then apparently i fell asleep..
next evening: So just now after a few dirty resin buckets and bit of benzohelp, we try again:
second attempt notes: OK wow this is a mess, I've written in my boredom "drip drip drip" nearly every time a traps drips in this film because it is about as much fun as simply watching a tap drip anyway. maybe it's some kind of bull- spit symbolism that i missed but it symbolizes to me the utter boredom of the film. for the record I wrote "drip drip drip" at least ten times and considering that each tap drip scene is at least two and more often three or more drips, that is at least 20 -40+ times you will watch a dripping tap in the godawful borefest.
Anyway, here's the remaining notes i took: "15-17 muhinh" - illegible (such a good idea this note taking thing)
"their basement is upstairs?" - guess it's an attic basement.. "she lives alone - separated? - friends is visiting.."
"BRILLIANT QUOTE (nearly but not making film worthwhile) - 'Defective life. I demand a full refund.' making me think of this film.."
"Not creeping me out" "38 mins in, no wonder i fell asleep last time.."
"Oh! Creepy hands, behind a hanging sheet! Oh!"
"Worst guide-dog for the blind, ever."
"GODDAMN 50 MINUTES? for what?
"BORING BORING BORING"
Well I made it through, and honestly it was torture. Sorry that this is more a review of my experience with the film, rather than the film itself, but rest assured this is probably the only entertainment we'll get from the movie anyway.
Slumlord (2015)
spoilers probably
OK here we go...2 seconds..still bored..black screen.. OH! somethings happening, a bunch of mini screens has popped up all over the screen showing domestic scenes...
So I'm thinking the 13 cameras are pervy ones right?
Some statistics popped up briefly as I looked away, so i missed them. hope they're not relevant. more screens...more stats, this time i caught them but despite having a notepad here for this exact reason, i forgot them, and my scrawling notes regarding the stats just say "watched in home" Blah blah blah OOH! screen went black with a loud noise.. GRIPPING! OK now creepazoid buys some cameras and stands in a home..fast forward a bit, he's showing couple the home..she's pregnant. Man I feel like I fell asleep in this film..maybe its the serepax,, Anyway yeah, as we all predicted creepazoid bloke ( i drew pictures of the three main stars while i was watching but can;t show them here sorry) watches sand listens to the annoying peoples' lives and affairs, and eventually kidnaps the female the bloke Ryan was affairing around the place with...and locks them in the basement of their house. and drive home to his house, where he apparently does his watching form. About 11 minutes in i realised I was still bored despite the interesting concept (trying to ignore flat characters with no actual character, just boring can'ts like..) but i struggled on...and on and on... In the end I guess the film basically just sucked ..was something like this already done in Sliver or a few other films? Final thoughts: Ryan is a jerk. I already can't remember half this boring film and I literally just finished watching it..what happened in the end? Oh yeah that plucking stupid twist with the baby...it really was tripe..also why is every female lead or co-lead always pregnant these days in horror...added vulnerability? or am I just at a time in my life where I'm noticing all the other happy pregnancy or with child parents around and I'm just jealous or something? I don't know. Tell me you own thought. but i guess I've seen worse (and no doubt loved them) it ain't bad enough to score 1 or 2 so I gave it 3/10