Hellraiserdisciple Reviews

Aquanoids (2003)

Here we go...

[4/10 · 6 January 2011]

After watching Aquanoids I told myself that if I was going to see this one again it would be solely for the purpose of reviewing it. Seeing as how I'm writing this it means I have indeed done such a thing.

As Aquanoids opens you spend a couple of minutes taking in the fact that this truly IS a low-budget film. REALLY low-budget. It's an amateur film. They open with an aquanoid attack in 1987 then jump 16 years in time. We later learn that 17 people were killed during that summer. Our heroine, looking like a bustier, less talented Eliza Dushku, is still mourning the loss of her mother that summer. She knows an aquanoid when she sees one and starts her crusade to close the beaches and stop the ferocious aquanoids. Vanessa says the aquanoidS are back, but we don't really see more than one at the time. The aquanoid costume probably represented one of the bigger posts on the meager budget. We should respect that. The mayor of course doesn't want the threat to leak out and takes a few precautionary measures. We also have some inquisitive reporters that don't really add much to anything. It's influence from superior films like, Jaws, Humanoids from the Deep and others are obvious. They even mention several of its predecessors. At least that shows the movie is self conscious. Not that it helps much, but a little.

So just what's the deal with Aquanoids? Well, there are plenty of things to notice and reflect upon when watching it. Laurence Hobbs playing Jackson is one of the great things about this movie. Seeing his costume, a pair of pants and a grey t-shirt I can't help but wonder if that was what Hobbs put on when getting up that morning. Just put on whatever you have. His acting style is relentless! Jackson is utterly hilarious when exclaiming: "I can't believe it got into Lovers Cove!" Like that is something unbelievable. Was that a fact so terrible your mind simply refused to comprehend it? Jackson also witnessed one of the aquanoid attacks back in 87. He just happened to be standing at the beach with binoculars… at night. But, hey, so was I! Another wonderful scene is when Vanessa's friend at one point asks her for an opinion on something. She's made an impressive sign on the computer reading: DANGEROUS WATERS! ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! Vanessa says: "I think that will work!". That is truly brilliant stuff! The evil mayor and father-of-the-year award winner at one point tell his daughter: "Now look, I don't want any alcohol at the party. We don't want to pump your stomach again!" He's playing the role of the concerned parent. While being evil! In all fairness he does singlehandedly represent all the acting credibility in the movie. Trying to earn it a higher rating we get a half-assed gory autopsy. I think we've seen enough scenes in other movies with an iron-stomach pathologist who eats while doing his thing. Do something else. At the end Vanessa learns that Jackson is in fact her father. She is shocked and I am shocked that she was shocked. We were both shocked. What shocked and disappointed me even more was her inability to get topless. I expected that from a title like Aquanoids. Others do though, in very random fashion.

The technical aspects are quite, shall we say puritan? Whenever we have some underwater shots you can't help but think it's a pity the BBC wildlife photographer must have slept late that day. They make a daring attempt at split-screen. They even dazzle us with three different images at the same time! The scene itself isn't half-bad, with a somewhat dynamic car chase. A couple of times I could see their attempt to create a certain something in tone and even though the execution for the most part didn't work, it felt sincere.

Bottom line is that YOU could probably make this film. It's quite possible to do. Just use whatever you have and improvise the rest. Aquanoids is by no means good, or particularly competent, but I'm still happy someone put an effort into making a horror movie, even if it was a pretty bad one.

Beneath (2007)

Nothing new...

[5/10 · 29 August 2010]

As a teenager Christy Wescot and her sister Vanessa are in a car accident. Vanessa becomes horribly burned before she eventually dies. Christy has a mental breakdown and leaves town. Six years later she returns when their old caretaker passes away. Memories and visions haunt her. Could Vanessa be trying to say something from beyond the grave?

We've seen the story before. A person who has suffered some childhood trauma returns home only to be confronted with demons past. Beneath never manages to do something new and creative with this concept, but in its unoriginality it still remains pretty watchable. One of the reasons for this is the mercifully short running time and general pace. There isn't anything excessive in the movie. We are told what's necessary and little else. Some movies need time to unfold, while others like Beneath, benefit on being concise and to the point. None of the actors really make a mark, but Nora Zehetner as Christy is likable enough. It was a pleasant surprise to see Don S. Davis (Twin Peaks, Stargate SG-1) in a minor role as the caretaker Joseph too. The technical aspects of the movie are generally decent, with a couple of great shots, like the tracking shot as Christy first comes home. There was one musical cue that was supposed to scare, but instead came off as forced ruining an otherwise decent scene. Speaking of scares there is very little suspense in the movie. The returning visions may yank those dosing on the couch back to reality, however it soon becomes tiresome. Only towards the end does Beneath manage to create some tension, but it's too little too late. The ending was an interesting mess making me wonder if they were unsure how to round it all off.

Ultimately Beneath isn't likely to scare horror fans, though a younger crowd may find it satisfying. The film is well made for being a straight-to-DVD release and everyone involved seem to have contributed the best they could. It looks alright and it kept my attention throughout. I only wish they had made a stronger effort in writing the script.

Death Wish (1974)

Once upon a vigilante...

[8/10 · 20 August 2010]

The vigilante sub-genre is an interesting one. While I can't say that I really approve of it, it simultaneously fills me with great feeling of satisfaction. And who couldn't possibly enjoy seeing scummy criminals receive their just desert? Revenge/justice feels even more rewarding when it comes in the shape of man-of-steel Charles Bronson.

Even though the movie is titled Death Wish I think it shows remarkable restraint when it comes to living up to its name. It all starts nice and quietly with Paul Kersey (Bronson) and wife Joanna (Hope Lange) on vacation. Yes, they are happily married and have a great daughter. Life sure is good for Paul and family. Well, it's good until about the 20 minute mark when Joanna is brutally beaten and their daughter is brutally raped. The assault is suitably uncomfortable, with Jeff Goldblum debuting as one of the rapists. One thing that has always struck me about this scene is seeing the daughter getting her ass spray-painted by one of the assailants. There is something about how they do it, like she was an inanimate object that disturbs and puzzles me. The end result is Joanna dying in the hospital and their daughter sent into a catatonic state. Paul is a peaceful man (aren't they always?), but is frustrated by the inactions of the police. He starts noticing just what a jungle New York City really is. In an attempt to give Paul other things to think about, his business partners send him out of state to work on a real estate project. He complies and is introduced to the ways of old justice. It's done in a clever fashion at an old western town for tourists. We see the courageous sheriff kill all the robbers. Bronson stares at the show and you know what he's thinking. As a gift for helping out with the real estate project he is given a very nice looking Colt revolver. Kersey goes back to New York. Of course it doesn't take long before he uses it. After an initial panic attack he realizes that killing the scum of the earth is actually a decent way of spending an evening and so he continues. Along the way he receives praise from the public inspiring people to take the law into their own hands. I think in the short time span we see Paul and Joanna together their relationship is very well established. Paul receiving their vacation pictures after she's dead works great as the catalyst for his call to arms. We see what he had and then we see him opening the box containing the gun. The violence in Death Wish is never gratuitous. He shoots the criminals and that is it. Kersey even has a rather modest body count with ten dead bad-guys. Fortunately Kersey was only warming up. The Death Wish sequels provide gratuitous violence and nudity aplenty. I like that they go for a more crude approach, but I equally appreciate the first one for its restraint in brutality. One of the truly exhilarating things about Death Wish is seeing Kersey go hunting after developing a taste for vigilantism. The villains approach. They feel confident. Of course they do. He is just an old man. What could he possibly do? Guess again punks! This is one man you do NOT want to mess with. I'm simply unable to stop grinning as Kersey leads them on. It's a diabolical cat and mouse game, where both parties believe they are the cat. Another thing I really enjoy about Death Wish is that the ones responsible for the deeds against Kersey's family are never caught by the police. Paul doesn't make any effort in trying to find them either. Instead he turns on the underbelly of New York in general. All of them must pay for their collective effort in destroying the lives of honest, hard working people. As for leading man Charles Bronson, I have nothing but praise. He makes a believable character you can relate to. And when it comes to serving up justice there is no man harder or better to do the job. While action stars like Schwarzenegger and Willis provides muscles and attitude to their characters Bronson doesn't play hard. He IS hard. Some will argue that he's acting is stiff, but I think his restraint (or inability to overact) is his strength. Just look at those squinting eyes. He could stare you to death if he wanted to.

Part of what makes Death Wish memorable is how politically incorrect it is. While the mayor wants him stopped he doesn't want him arrested either. They can't make a martyr out of the guy. So instead the police cover it up and make Kersey leave town. Neither the police, nor Kersey shows much confidence in the justice system. Is it okay to take the law into your hands? Death Wish goes a long way in saying yes.

Casa privata per le SS (1977)

Staring into the abyss...

[5/10 · 20 August 2010]

SS Girls opens with a lot of random shots in a seemingly abandoned house, accompanied by annoying organ music. Evil Nazi Hans Schellenberg is put to the task of recruiting ten women, who are willing to prostitute themselves to learn the secrets of top ranking German officers. Because the Nazi elite are scared that their loyal minions aren't as trustworthy as they should be. Does this seem familiar? If it does, then you've already seen Tinto Brass' superior Salon Kitty which SS Girls steals heavily from. Fortunately, that doesn't really matter since this is a Bruno Mattei film and when watching any of his creations the word "original" is not a word that will cross your path for the duration.

Mattei makes a decent decision in showing the girls' training as a musical montage. What they show of it is mostly completely random stuff, but it works in its limited capacity. Their training in sexual perversions here is nothing special. Salon Kitty managed to make this work to great effect, by actually being competently made. No such luck here.

Schellenberg, played by Gabriele Carrara, is one of the most evil looking villains I've come across in any film. He looks like a young coked-up Steve Martin come to think of it. In all fairness, seeing Schellenberg in full make-up and dressed as the Pope at one point wasn't half bad. I'll give you a point there Bruno. He's more over-the-top than Helmut Berger was in Salon Kitty, becoming a parody of himself. Perhaps it's not surprising, but equally underwhelming and hilarious. The German officers are a horny bunch of perverts. This supplies us with a generous amount of female nudity, which I consider good, yet it manages to about as erotic as a trip to the dentist (assuming you're not a masochist or Jack Nicholson). You know you could and probably should watch porn instead. There is the usual tedious torture, which won't scare or please anyone. What I was hoping would be SS Girls saving grace was unintentional laughter from stupid actions and even dumber dialogue. I'm not saying it wasn't terrible. I'm just saying while being terrible it managed to be so without becoming very funny. The doctor slapping one of the girls for becoming pregnant, calling her "a little slut", made me chuckle though. At the end Mattei decides he wants to give the film the emotional depth it so sorely needs. He appears to make a serious attempt at giving SS Girls some weight, by making it abundantly clear how horrific the Nazi atrocities are. Could this be his Citizen Kane? No, not this time either Bruno. It was a fair try though.

I doubt there is a more tasteless genre than the naziploitation sub-genre. Apart from the excellent Salon Kitty or Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, none of those I've seen have much of what you would call redeeming qualities. Don't get me wrong. I'm truly glad there have been people pushing the limits of taste and stupidity by making utter garbage such as this. My problem arises when this garbage is able to be as tasteless and offensive as it is and yet remains almost completely without entertainment value. Salon Kitty had a pretty good story, decent actors, some excellent costume design and several poignant images of madness. SS Girls has none of these qualities. Granted I've seen way worse than SS Girls, but it remains frequently a dreadful bore. If you, like me, simply have an urge to check out all of the scummiest films ever made then go right ahead, though I highly doubt it will add anything to your life.

In short: There is nothing particularly good about SS Girls or even competent. It just happens to exist, which is about the best thing I can say about the film. Despite all my apprehensions I don't hate it for some reason. Maybe I pity it? For being what it is you could do a lot worse. Bruno Mattei's films deserve to be studied for years to come. For more entertaining trash from Mattei I suggest Hell of the Living Dead or Rats: Night of Terror.

Edge of Sanity (1989)

Another psycho

[7/10 · 19 August 2010]

Anthony Perkins plays Dr. Jekyll who after a lab incident caused by his guinea monkey turns him into the sinister Mr. Hyde. Soon the bodies start popping up all over London.

The story is well known, but we get a little twist here. The twist being that Mr. Hyde is actually Jack the Ripper. I really liked the fusing of these two stories. It gave the film another dimension to it. Edge of Sanity is a surprisingly sleazy film too, thank goodness. One J.P. Félix is one of the two writers credited with the screenplay. This Félix is apparently actually one of smut peddler Jess Franco's many pseudonyms. It's hardly surprising then that we get regular doses of nudity and some not overly gratuitous violence. We even get the odd humor on occasion. Just watch as the rabid Mr. Hyde has bent a prostitute over the table inspecting her butt and we see her bored face. He's just another weird customer with a fetish. The script is pretty good, but without knowing exactly what, I still felt that a certain something to put it over the top was missing.

Anthony Perkins shines as the star of the show. He balances nicely between the two personalities. Perkins has a very charming side, as we've seen in Psycho, which can change in an second. In this film his psychotic features are enhanced with make-up, giving him more of a wax figure look. It looks supremely creepy. In several instances he reminded me of the zombified Stephen from Dawn of the Dead (1978). The story is really a sad one. Dr. Jekyll is only a man traumatized during childhood years and his decent into madness starts off as an unfortunate accident. Jekyll is more a victim of circumstance than anything. He accidentally inhales the smoke from the broken glasses unaware of what the mix will do to him. Unfortunately for the good doctor the effects have fatal consequences. Jekyll's smoking device looks like a crack pipe. This film came in 1989, which was at a time when crack was at its height in the US. Edge of Sanity appears to be a cautionary tale covered in layers of filth. We see Perkins trying to resist it, but his demons get the better of him. His spiral downwards is very well depicted. We see the raving madman and a cold and calculating monster that is Mr. Hyde gradually taking over Jekyll. This is perfectly realized in a party scene, where the topic of freedom is brought up. Jekyll wonders what anyone really knows about freedom. "I thought I was free?" retorts one of the posh ladies. The doctor starts talking about freedom to do whatever we feel like. You see something you like and you take it. The other guests are a tad upset by this, but Jekyll rages calmly on. "You all act as if our manners, our morality, were handed to us by God." With skeptical eyes she replies: "But they are." Perkins continues: "No madam, they're not. We made them up by mutual agreement. But what if I don't agree?" He goes from the dinner table leaving the others in shock. There is a distinct flavor of Nietzsche's philosophy here, which is the rejection of morality as an absolute truth. I doubt Nietzsche would have approved Mr. Hyde's thoughts of doing whatever one feels like, but accepting that life is essentially meaningless is key. The other dinner guests' refusal to accept this makes them passive nihilists. The active nihilist on the other hand sees opportunity to build something instead of hiding in fear behind religion. Jekyll/Hyde is somewhere in between. He rejects God and morality, but instead of building he tears the world apart. And, fortunately for him, in a society as judgmental as this, who would expect that any well educated person could possibly be behind such atrocious crimes?

The technical aspects of Edge of Sanity are simply outstanding! The camera-work is impeccable with lots of crooked angels, intruding close-ups of Mr. Hyde and smooth dolly shots. The lighting and use of colors are strong and vivid adding additional delirium. There are gorgeous set-pieces to feast our eyes on. You really couldn't ask for more. In a lot of ways this has an adult Tim Burton feel to it.

Edge of Sanity is a nice and creepy horror film. For some reason, despite all its accomplishments I still felt slightly detached to it all. That however, shouldn't deter anyone looking for a sleazy horror with originality, a menacing Perkins and production values far beyond your normal fright flick.

Black Demons (1991)

Demons to some. Zombies to others.

[4/10 · 17 August 2010]

Black Demons tells the story, or at least tries to, of an ancient curse which brings back six slaves from the dead to kill those pesky white folks we are stuck with throughout the movie. Black Demons is also known as Demons 3 just to cash in on the earlier films' success. They don't have anything to do with each other though. Whatever you want to call it this is still a movie about zombies and not demons. Interestingly it remains Umberto Lenzi's only contribution to the proud tradition of Italian zombie films. Most people would argue that Nightmare City is a zombie film as well, but Lenzi has stated it's about infected people. I'm inclined to agree.

There really isn't anything particularly memorable about Black Demons. The zombies look pretty darn cool, chains and all. We are also treated to a couple of entertaining eye trauma scenes and a bloody stabbing to the throat. They are the highlights of the movie, which really is a shame since the story actually has a lot of potential. I mean black zombies coming back and killing white people just screams fun. It would have been great to see Lenzi option for a politically incorrect movie to shake the establishment. Perhaps the zombies could have utilized some of the oppressive tools used on them once upon a time? Unfortunately, he doesn't and we're left with a rather mediocre effort. That means a terrible film to non-horror aficionados. The most remarkable thing about Black Demons is that it's from 1991, when the look all the way only suggests the 80s. I know remnants from previous decades always linger, but this one takes the prize. You could do worse, but wouldn't you rather watch a better Italian zombie flick? Bruno Mattei's excellent Hell of the Living Dead or even Zombie 4: After Death are both better choices.

Shriek Show provides us with a Lenzi interview where he mostly dismisses the movie and criticizes the actors. Good stuff.

The Annihilators (1985)

Complete annihilation...

[4/10 · 17 August 2010]

After a former brother-in-arms from Vietnam is killed by a gang of thugs his former platoon leader is recruited to clean up the streets. He summons the rest of the squad and the game is on.

The story is simple and has been done several times before. There is a relatively short first part that takes place in Vietnam to establish the relationship between the soldiers. I really wish they had spent another ten minutes building on this to give the rest of the film a deeper emotional impact. Sure this is a 80s vigilante film, but that doesn't mean we can't have characters we really care about. Does it? The vigilante force also teaches the neighborhood how they can defend themselves in a montage. And who doesn't enjoy a good montage? This montage is mediocre, but that's okay. The Annihilators could easily have been mistaken for the A-Team. They aren't that professional and they are slightly more violent. Other than that they are just the same. In fact there is at least on A-Team episode exactly like this film. One of the highlights in this film is the gang leader. He looks like a shabby Kurt Russell and when he wears that wonderful pink t-shirt you won't exactly tremble with fear. The guy has balls though. At one point he walks around in the middle of the street with a flamethrower yelling that he wants his drugs back. NOW! It's hilarious stuff! How he became a gang leader is anyone's guess. He isn't a very good leader and his minions are even less capable of anything. They are crappy stereotypes, which I suppose is only what one can expect from a movie like this. On the positive side, this only adds to the overall cheese factor.

Now the thing that really annoyed me about The Annihilators is the title. It's called THE ANNIHILATORS! The definition of annihilate in the Oxford dictionary is; to destroy completely. Our vigilante squad frequently just hurt the gang members. Only towards the end do we see a somewhat steady rise in bodies. However, they are still merely shot. At least director Charles E. Sellier Jr. could have had the decency to give us some Peckinpah or Woo style shootings. And even then I doubt they could have called themselves The Annihilators with pride. Now had they taken out the scumbags with rocket launchers, claymore mines or such, the whole affair would have looked a lot different!

I could go on about all the things The Annihilators isn't, but that would be unfair to it. For all its faults The Annihilators provide some entertainment, mostly in the cheese department. Grab some recreational drugs, a pizza and watch with friends.

The Beyond (1981)

Beautiful...

[10/10 · 29 November 2009]

Once in a while I come across a horror film that leaves me in awe. The Beyond is such a film. It's such an immense experience that I have to write this review just to exorcise my thoughts.

The Beyond starts off immediately. Lousiana 1927. A bunch of people rowing. Men on a mission. Where are they going? A girl at hotel during a stormy night looks down at the mysterious book of Eibon. A painter, Schweick, adds another stroke to his dark and desolate painting. The men arrive at their destination. The fragmented clips are merging. It's an exceptional opening. Sad and somber tones play as the mob passes the hotel clerk, who silently follows each of the men with his eyes. It is a small revelation to behold. The mob and the painter come to a confrontation. Anyone unfamiliar with the works of Fulci is likely to raise an eyebrow as the whipping and crucifixion of the painter progresses with gratuitous zoom-ins on the carnage. It really sets the tone for the level of violence we can expect during the next 80 minutes. It also makes you wonder just what this man has done worthy of such a punishment. They end it by throwing something that melts his face. Here lies my only real objection to the opening. The music used during the face-melting is too funky. It's great, but I feel it goes against the dark tone of the rest of the movie. Fortunately, this is immediately followed up by what is probably the finest opening credits I've seen in a horror film. The dark and melancholy tones are marching on, vocals scream, while fire burns in the background. Welcome to Fulci's apocalypse. The film then cuts to the same hotel in the year 1981. The sun is shining and things seem much more pleasant. This lasts for about a minute. Catriona MacColl, playing Eliza, has come to restore the hotel back to its former glory. Her and David Warbeck's performances really elevates the film, even if they make some odd choices, but more on that later. Enter Joe the Plumber. Surely they could have spared a couple of extra minutes of coming up with a more original name, not that I'm complaining. He goes down into the basement. Needless to say, Joe never finishes the job. Instead, we are treated to some of Fulci's trademark gore in such a fashion that I can't help but grin. The mysterious blind girl Emily warns Eliza about the place. As Joe's wife comes to see his body, their child is left waiting in the hall. As she waits we're treated to a torturous scene of a body being wheeled down the hall accompanied by screeching noises sending chills down your spine. It's kind of pleasant to have such a disturbing, non-graphic scene in the film. Now Fulci is famous for his trademark gore. However I find it frustrating and ignorant whenever people say that that is all Fulci is. His earlier films show clearly just how talented a filmmaker he was. But I think his gore epics, like The Beyond, House by the Cemetery and City of the Living Dead are way better than he is credited for. Sure all these films have an odd/incoherent narrative, but that is also what makes them so great. These are hellish visions. And I for one think that the vague/fragmented narrative combined with extreme gore works great in expressing what Hell is truly like. I haven't seen any film, including Hellraiser, portray Hell as well as Fulci. It's great to see how the nightmarish violence escalates throughout. The Beyond is not perfect. There are odd things. Like, why Eliza doesn't leave when she sees the crucified Schweick in his room leaves me a bit baffled. John's failure to realize that you have to shoot the undead in the head is another one. At first you think he's just a lousy shot, but no such luck. Then there is minor stuff such as hospital signs that read: Do not entry.

Fulci has undoubtedly made some sloppy films, but The Beyond is in the other end of the scale. A big part of what makes it so great is the moody and often brilliant cinematography. Just check out the wonderful point of view shot as one of the ladies is being pushed by a zombie onto a nail. Another great image comes as Eliza and John runs away from the hotel and we see shadows of undead moving about inside. Hell is literally loose. In addition to this the there is the lighting. There is an image of Emily in the hotel, while lightning strikes outside is just one of many scenes showing off how skillfully this has been put together. Add to that some careful editing and tremendous sound effects and you've got yourself a masterpiece.

I really cannot express how great The Beyond manages to create a wholly unique atmosphere of pending doom. There is great sadness in the film, yet somehow it all feels oddly uplifting in lack of a better word. The image as they enter The Beyond remains, in my opinion, one of the single greatest shots in all of horror cinema, or movies in general for that matter. The desolate, barren wasteland where no life can exist is simple, but so very, very effective.

The horrified expression on Warbeck's face as oblivion that is The Beyond is taking over his mind and body is truly the stuff of nightmares. Hell has come. I could go on and on because I've only mentioned a few of the treats in the film, but the end is near.

A final thought: The Beyond never holds back on the ugly and horrible, yet I've never heard anyone comment on just how beautiful it truly is.

Gutterballs (2008)

Separates the average horror viewer from the hardcore horror fans.

[8/10 · 25 August 2008]

I like movies that show exactly how they intend to be within the opening minutes. Gutterballs provides us with a beaver shot so candid that you in all likeliness will tilt your head and go; Hmm. This is the kind of film that goes that extra mile, something that undoubtedly will offend any regular and possibly the more hardened viewer.

A woman is raped in a bowling alley and the following evening people start dying at that very same bowling alley. Could this be a coincidence? Divine forces at large? Terrorists? Whoever or whatever the case may be the story is simple enough, so leave any intellectual expectations at the door or in the gutter.

Gutterballs scores a few points for style. It plays like an homage to the great heydays of 80s slashers. Even the costumes have a modern retro look that fits in nicely. It's cheesy, yet cool. Entertaining and at times squirm inducing sound effects too.

I've noticed a few complaints about the acting in this film, despite that no one would expect Oscar worthy performances in such a film. Yes, there are some notably weak performances, but I would like to defend the actors here. They are so incredibly over-the-top, just like they should be when spoofing such stereotypes, that you never accept them as real human beings. This is a good thing. They exist solely within the reality of this movie. I like the characters in the sense that they aren't played as anyone with any depth. Steve is a maniacal brute so up tight that you expect him to explode at any given moment. He NEVER does a single thing that makes you reassess your hatred of him. You want him to die and that is the point. The sluts are slutty and everybody just wants to get their groove on. Now the dialogue is about as sharply written as you would expect. It constantly uses the f-word, c-word and mostly ferociously crude insults. You're likely to become tired of it (I was relieved whenever someone DIDN'T swear), but even so the excessive use of profanities becomes quite funny after a while. I would like to see a cartoon version of this. And I don't think this would have worked with the characters saying: "Would you be a darling and get me a beer?" It's not that kind of a film.

Then there is the great, talking, bowling ball polish machine. I really, really liked this machine and I wish it had more screen time. None of the bowlers contemplates its rude remarks, nor should they. I can't say I understand its purpose, but it adds to the surreal feeling that anything goes in this movie. If elves suddenly appeared and started dancing and singing I would be cool with that as well. Bring it on! As the notable rape scene commenced I initially thought it had a certain camp aspect to it. However, as it continued and the rest of Steve's gang joins in, with vicious brutality, this becomes one of the most unpleasant rapes you're ever likely to see in a movie, deserving a place alongside Meir Zarchi's I Spit on Your Grave. My friends squirmed and complained that it was pointless and overly long. Well, it drives the point home AND it makes you long for them to die in the most brutal manners possible. Mission accomplished.

Then there is the gore. The glorious gore! This is where Gutterballs really excels. It delivers buckets of blood. There is a scene of graphic genital mutilation that I'm sure will make anyone being sickened by the one in Hostel: Part II run for their lives. It doesn't look pretty! Shotgun blast to the throat, forced entry with sharpened bowling pin, strangulation, a slit throat, faced ripped to pieces plus other enjoyable deaths. We even get a death by phallus in a manner I'm not sure has been done since Joe D'Amato's Porno Holocaust. That takes balls (sorry, couldn't resist)! The unveiling of the killer ends in a climax so bloody I couldn't help but wonder if all the plastic sheets covering the room were there just so it would be easy for the crew to clean up after filming was done? Tell me I'm wrong. Not that it matters really.

No sane person would ever call Gutterballs a great film in any traditional sense. It's a simple story that slasher fans have seen time and again. And that's what we want! Add to that a director who obviously loves these films and brings with him a few new ideas to play around with and you are in for a bloody good time! It works within the confinements of the sub genre. Like previously mentioned, Gutterballs is not a film for the average film viewer. It isn't even a film for most horror fans. It's relentlessly brutal and never apologizes for it. Fortunately! But for those venturing in low-budget extreme cinema this is pure gold. I'm glad that there are people out there who still make films for this audience. It makes me feel spoiled and I love it!

Blonde Ambition (2007)

A delightful romantic comedy!

[1/10 · 28 June 2008]

The story goes something like this: A small-town girl, Katie (Jessica Simpson), decides to visit her boyfriend in the big city. When she arrives she discovers he isn't quite as faithful as he should be. Katie then ends up venturing into the adventure that is New York. Filling in as bike messenger comedic and charming mishaps ensues. She falls into a hole in the ground and thus meets charismatic good-guy Ben (Luke Wilson). It's not love at first sight, at least for her, but destiny and Ben, won't give up quite that easy. Being "just" a small-town girl AND blonde a couple of evil executives at a building firm decides she's the perfect scapegoat for their cunning plan. Misunderstandings with hilarious and sad consequences follow. However, this is one blonde who won't take it lying down!

People being judgmental of this film will soon enough be proved wrong. The jokes are confident and fitting, and the story well developed. The relationship between Katie and Ben feels so natural that it puts anything Godard has created to shame. The multi-talented Jessica Simpson once again surprises with a strong role only she could pull off. Simpson really is the Marilyn Monroe of our day (there's even one scene honoring her!). She balances perfectly between vulnerable and whimsy. Katie really does show us that you can't judge a book by its cover! Luke Wilson is as charming as ever. Even if he was covered in manure that man would be as appealing as anyone. His light touch, puppy dog eyes and laid back manner makes it difficult to resist. Andy Dick plays the role he was born to play, one of the two diabolical executives. He really cannot be underestimated. The strength of the performance lies in his restraint. It's remarkable, because most actors would just run away with it and play it for cheap laughs. Not this guy!

In conclusion, director Scott Marshall has crafted an intelligent and frequently hilarious comedy that is destined to become a classic alongside masterpieces of cinema like Epic Movie and Norbit. Kudos to everyone involved in this, especially Jessica Simpson. Her sincere smile and whole-hearted laughter would make even the toughest man break out in a big grin. You may be tough, but you're not THAT tough! Warmly recommended to everyone who wants to be swept off their feet and see a romantic comedy that for once, feels honest. Thank you for this film! Oh, and the soundtrack rocks!

Now if you still haven't gotten it. I'm being sarcastic. 1/10

Norbit (2007)

"The horror! The horror!"

[1/10 · 21 May 2008]

There are a few films on this planet I have absolutely ZERO desire to see. Norbit is one of them. But being a fan of repulsive films I thought that I SHOULD watch it. This evening I did. I rented it (of course I did not pay to see this), drove home and threw it into my DVD player before I had the chance to change my mind.

Norbit doesn't start off ENTIRELY bad. It actually shows signs of being tolerable. This however, quickly changes. I don't like Eddie Murphy. In fact I would go as far as saying I can't stand the guy and here is the reason. The guy takes on a role any self respecting actor would stay miles away from. Then he does this again and again and again for infinity. In Norbit he plays 3 characters (earning 3 paychecks?) and each one of them are an abomination to mankind. The worst one of them is Rasputia the obese piece of trash Norbit is married to. We are not supposed to like her and I certainly don't. What is it Eddie Murphy finds so enjoyable about working in fat suits? Rasputia's fatness is the main gag going through the entire film. It isn't funny. Non of the stereotype characters are. They are ONLY annoying. We have seen the story a million times, but they try to capitalize on this yet again by having Murphy in several roles and a "hilarious" fat character. Yeah, that will totally spice manure up! It made me lose my appetite. Really. No joke.

This is a comedy, technically. I can say honestly that for the first time EVER I didn't laugh a SINGLE time at a comedy. That's remarkable. Truly remarkable.

I don't like any of the characters. I don't like anything that's going on in the film. I don't like this film. In fact I HATE this horrendous piece of crap! This is a film that insults EVERYONE who watch it. Please don't use any money, time or effort on this. It will only help destroying mankind.

Thank you for your attention.

Deported Women of the SS Special Section (1976)

My brief review of Deported Women of the SS Special Section

[5/10 · 11 July 2007]

For some odd reason I decided to give Deported Women of the SS Special Section a go today and was reasonably pleased. Noticing only one other user comment I felt compelled to give my opinion as well.

The story is fairly easy. A group of women are being held captive in a Nazi prison. Nazi prisons are (as we have all learned in films like Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS and others) is not a happy place. Fortunately you can always take a long soapy shower with your fellow inmates; and they do! I didn't expect much from this one so I became pleasantly surprised. The violence is pretty tame, but the razor blade on a cork in the vagina made me raise an eyebrow as our kinky commandant was about to realize love really can hurt. There's a decent amount of nudity with one of the highlights being the pubic hair shaving, take your time.

Deported Women does remind me to some extent of Salò, although it tends to focus less on the cynical ideology (as most of its kind) giving the whole film a more campy tone. Fine by me. It tries to be a bad boy, but not THAT bad.

In the end I have to say that even though the running time of almost 97 minutes feels a bit too long, the nudity, the violence and the crazy commandant managed to keep me entertained. You could do a lot worse.