Johannesn Reviews

Napoleon (1927)

Should have been 120 hours

[1/10 · 3 April 2024]

In the last 10 minutes of the movie, Napoleon finally makes it to the border of Italy, or whatever, and gets ready to leave France for the first time in 5 hours and 20 minutes of a highly intense cinematographic experience, engulfed in classical music on repeat, left, right and center.

There he meets a bunch of lousy men who first don't want to speak with him, but because Bonaparte has such a frightening look, they all eventually take their hats off, as a gesture of respect and respects the hell out of him. Then they peregrinate Italy; a bit of shooting here and there and an eagle is the new conductor of the army orchestra.

The end.

There was also a dancing scene with boobies and buttocks, which lifts the rating from a whopping 0.9 to 1.

Monster (2023)

Bad Babel, with some upsides

[4/10 · 8 January 2024]

The movie consists of about 3 parts, but only the last part and the first 15 minutes are really watchable.

In fact, the whole movie can stand on its own if they had only kept that.

It's the old theme of a story with many different misinterpreted perspectives (and finally the true events) which unfold in a fashion where we witness the events again and again from new perspectives, where the misinterpreted perspectives in the end have crucial consequences for the innocent.

The movie did have some quirky or interesting scenes about Japanese culture and landscapes, but the school parent/teacher drama in the middle of the movie was excruciatingly boring.

I understand the purpose of the movie, and I did like the ending (which by the removed fence implies that they died), but the movie-making abilities fell short of the vision.

The Girl Flew (2021)

Excellent indie for the lost

[7/10 · 27 September 2023]

The movie started off, and the first thing I thought was "the angles though".

To me, it was clear from the beginning, that this was the work of no ordinary director. The movie was made with passion. The aesthetics spoke to me. Alma Noce's powerful acting and her eternal sulk was beyond the call of duty.

There is also this evil touch to it. A tragedy that is not so unordinary, which only makes it an even more real and emotional experience.

But Nadia, the protagonist, turned it all around, with her strong will, or some lingering and mysterious force that is never explained to us. The mystique intrigues and captures one's attention.

I loved the birthmark. It satisfies the viewer's need for something unique and different. A subtle detail, but nonetheless, of great taste.

The Jewel Thief (2023)

Better than expected

[8/10 · 13 July 2023]

When I saw "Hulu", I really didn't think it would be worth watching. But I saw the trailer and found it interesting, so I gave it a try.

I must say, I don't understand why people would rate this so low. The dude documented all his crime with a camcorder. This stuff is REAL.

But only 11 people have rated it so far, so maybe it's too early to judge.

Surely his theft is immoral, but I found it all to be very exciting. And perhaps he shouldn't work for hardcore criminals, but hey, apparently he's back to stealing PlayStations, so he's probably living in San Francisco right about now.

I haven't seen something as well documented since Gladbeck: The Hostage Crisis.

Fall (I) (2022)

Exciting

[8/10 · 18 September 2022]

I thought the movie was really great and evoked a strong emotional response in me, throughout the whole movie. My ratings are often not similar to the public and even less similar to the supposed "critics", but it was a great surprise to find that I thought it was better than the average person did.

The music and the sound effects were great, and made it super intense. While watching the movie I would get that same physical feeling just below the navel, that I get from climbing buildings free solo, or when watching people do it, so it felt quite real.

The movie did have one of those hallucinations that I don't like, where some part of the movie isn't real, but it was luckily not worse or longer than in many other movies that have failed miserably in portraying something worth watching, and not just some dream or hallucination.

Right now when writing this review I see a title on another review stating "A Homage to Dumb YouTubers/Tik Tokers", and that's funny, because while watching the movie, I thought to myself, why would people think this movie is bad?

My conclusion was that people would probably, while watching, be annoyed about the decisions the girls made, and they themselves would have done things other ways to survive, so it provoked them that the girls were genuinely dumb people, like most people are, which only made the movie more authentic to me.

Web of Make Believe: Death, Lies and the Internet (2022)

Russian fantasy

[2/10 · 27 August 2022]

When you wake up in the morning and you step outside and everybody seems stuck to their 9 to 5's who do you think's to blame? Mother Russia!

When your coffee's as cool as a gulag bed and you can't seem to find organic gluten-free bread there's only one thing to do: blame Russia!

It's a Russian fantasy you've never ever had a comrade like me I lost my scruples and found me some rubles now everything's red to me.

When your keys as lost as a Cosmonaut and your latest Instagram didn't do too hot it's obvious what to do: just blame Russia!

When your tummy's as sick as a Bolshevik and your rent's flying high with Sputnik I wonder who'll take the fall? Yup, it's Russia!

Adrift (I) (2018)

Pretty good but...

[6/10 · 15 May 2022]

I don't really like movies where a majority of the plot, or story, is centered about some imaginary character or hallucination. It would be more real if we weren't led astray.

I would say that there was 1 hint that Richard would be a hallucination; the very first scene of the movie when a man was sinking into darkness. For a while I was thinking if there were more than 2 people on the boat, but then thought that maybe the scene wasn't too important, that maybe he had survived with a delayed reaction from a potential inflatable life jacket.

But the second time I saw him sinking, I saw no life jacket on him. At this point I can't tell if the director would assume I would find it awesome to be tricked, or not, but it's not a plot twist. Just makes the real story less interesting to me.

I was entertained sufficiently to make it through.

Better Call Saul: Wine and Roses (2022) Season 6, Episode 1

They are trying to bore us to death

[2/10 · 22 April 2022]

What the hell has happened to Hollywood? This director is terrible. Apparently they thought it would be a great idea to record some bonehead boring 5 minute slow-motion furniture scene.

Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Very bad

[2/10 · 29 March 2022]

It's worse than Deadpool. I only watched one minute and 30 seconds before I shut it down. It was just so cringe. The CGI of "Spider-Man" was cringe, the news broadcast was cringe, everything was cringe. I just couldn't stand one more second of it.

How could anyone involved with this movie think that stuff is funny? Boggles my mind.

The Venus Effect (2021)

Very okay movie

[6/10 · 20 March 2022]

I really liked the atmosphere, the lighting, the grainy aesthetics, the nature, the locations, the cultural activities and especially the acting. I possibly wept a tear or two.

It was also fun to see my hometown in an indie-like film.

It Felt Like Love (2013)

Good indie

[6/10 · 27 December 2021]

It's funny, I only rate the movie 6/10, but it's still these kind of small indie movies that I absolutely adore.

It was a really strong performance by Gina Piersanti as Lila. Her fatalistic sadness just really resonated with me, how it is to grow up with one parent, and trying to be accepted by your peers.

There were some cringe moments for me, but that's part of the beauty of filmmaking. I still wouldn't change anything, this movie is hella art.

Never Let Me Go (2010)

Unnerving

[5/10 · 18 December 2021]

One criterion I use for rating movies is how well it entertained me, and on that part it didn't really deliver. However that's not to say it didn't leave quite the impression on me.

I liked the first part of the movie. Brought back good memories of being a child. It kept me watching. The second part was quite boring, but unnerving.

It's not so much that they were being used for their organs. It was more that they were okay with it, and didn't fight it, that left such a devastating imprint on my retina.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (2016)

So beautiful

[8/10 · 16 December 2021]

It's such a beautiful movie. These types of peculiar movies, with such a great execution on the atmosphere, don't happen very often.

While yes it was a bit rushed overall, but considering this is a family movie (for some reason; I would get nightmares were I a child), I would still rate it highly on the overall experience, due to the art and world of wonder.

As a bonus, I noticed that the thumbnail from the trailer is actually not in the movie. While it is the same scene, it's recorded from a different camera angle, and is also a different shot altogether; different face expressions and more close-up. I noticed this twice in the trailer.

Army of the Dead (2021)

Good

[7/10 · 15 December 2021]

Good movie. I liked how it was different and unpredictable; that the people you wanted to survive, died in an anti-climactic way, which is awesome. Some of the ways people died were quite interesting.

In the short timespan of the movie I think it delivered pretty good with entertaining me.

I Spit on Your Grave: Vengeance Is Mine (2015)

Pipe

[7/10 · 13 December 2021]

Not gonna lie. I thought Angela was quite skillful with that sledgehammer and pipe. I felt her pain when she had to grease up the pipe, so that it wouldn't get damaged.

Jai Bhim (2021)

Strong but too silly

[6/10 · 27 November 2021]

I watched about 35 minutes and felt very strongly about the movie (the CGI was trash though), but the funny music didn't really fit to the seriousness of the crime, so I skipped through most of the movie in small intervals and then watched the ending.

Even though I watched in the original language, Tamil, it still felt at times like it was dubbed.

Usually I give movies a score of around 4, if it's too boring to watch, but the movie wasn't really boring, just didn't fit my temperament. So I guess it deserves some points.

Powder (1995)

Happy I watched it

[6/10 · 14 September 2021]

A fine movie that has that chill indie spirit that I need. A little different, not too serious, not too ridiculous, and with beautiful moments, in terms of human interaction.

Reminiscence (2021)

3 minutes

[3/10 · 8 September 2021]

I watched three minutes of the movie. But it was just unbearably boring.

I think Hugh Jackman just gives off this normie movie energy.

Countdown: Inspiration4 Mission to Space (2021)

I love it!

[8/10 · 6 September 2021]

Very emotional and just really exciting to experience what the civilian crew went through to get here.

Well made and with excellent interviews.

The Walking Dead: Rendition (2021) Season 11, Episode 4

Unwatchable

[2/10 · 6 September 2021]

I can't stand this Hollywood director. I'm done with TWD. Thank you for ruining it completely and making it super boring and unwatchable.

Woke and amateur filmmaking.

Seriously. Where's the music? Half of scenes are just people staring at each other in complete silence.

And the "episode insider" is so cringe! The executive producer talks about how they had to make everything scary, but it was just so bad.

Euphoria (2019– )

Jules rules

[5/10 · 2 July 2021]

I really love this show. Jules is awesome! She has a lot of charisma and is an interesting character! :)

EDIT: I really liked the first season, but season 2 was pretty bad and after some episodes, unwatchable. So I called it quits in the middle of the school play episode, which was so boring that I had to do it; for my own sanity.

Loki (2021–2023)

Marvel Doctor Who

[5/10 · 29 June 2021]

Basically this show is just an inferior version of Doctor Who. This show will never end.

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021 TV Special)

Not funny

[3/10 · 17 June 2021]

It wasn't funny. It was overly leftist in nature and the singing was kinda cringe to me. Not impressed. I skipped through the film and experienced more than one instance of him talking about taking his life, to make you believe you saved him by watching his creation.

The Matrix (1999)

Done with this movie

[1/10 · 19 May 2020]

Lewis Carroll was a bad bad person. His Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland is referenced in this movie, and that book/movie should not be in any household. For good reason.

Lilly Wachowski values certain minority groups' rights higher than the survival of humanity, as Elon Musk is the only person in the world who can save humanity-from self-extinction-with Neuralink and with the help of Tesla artificial intelligence data.

SpaceX won't even be needed as humanity literally can't run from the dangers on Earth. We will have to face the issue of artificial intelligence explosion head on, before it's too late.

Mr. Robot: Hello, Elliot (2019) Season 4, Episode 13

You have been fooled. Yes, you

[8/10 · 23 December 2019]

Sam Esmail fooled people to think that they know what's going on. I give him points for that.

What he really did is what one should never do, he made the ultimate deus ex machina. And again, I give him points for his courage. Everything is just a dream - or in this case, a construction of a dream with different characters - by this person in a hospital bed.

I was intrigued by the whole story of the series, but in the end, everything being a dream just isn't good enough. The ending is too open to conclude that everything isn't a dream, therefore everything might as well just be a dream (perhaps a long one during coma etc.).

Because, don't get me wrong, how can you for sure know that any of the stuff that happened in the series, is a part of the reality that the person on the bed wakes up to? You just can't. We don't even know his full name, is he Elliot Alderson or not?

EXit was a good episode. The last episode where the story could evolve to something more than a dream, after that.

I truly love open endings, so it was definitely a good episode, just not good enough in this case. Inception is an example of a fantastic open ending as both outcomes could be interesting. In the case of Mr. Robot there's only one interesting ending, and everything being a dream is not one of them (the interesting ending would be that everything is real and it's only the events of the finale that is a dream, so that he would think that there is a perfect world, but then it's taken from him).

There could have been many different endings, but that was too late when the final scene revealed itself. Parallel realities/universes never really became a thing with that ending.