Zed-Runner Reviews

The Acolyte (2024– )

An astonishing new low for Star Wars

[1/10 · 9 June 2024]

This is, quite literally, one of the worst things I've ever seen. The central mystery is obvious from the get go, the acting is mind numbingly bad, and the fight choreography is so sloppy and poorly shot it makes one wonder if they handed the camera to 6 year old. Character motivations change from one scene to another based on the needs of the plot and still they do some of the dumbest things imaginable. There is a scene that has an escape pod full of prisoners picked up by security forces who know there are also surviving escaped prisoners on the planet below, but they leave, travel millions of miles to a headquarters of sorts and it's there they ask if they should go back to the planet and search for survivors. That's not a joke. Every single thing that happens is a result of luck, coincidence or contrivance. There isn't a single honest, organic plot development in two episodes. It all plays out like it was written by a child. Dreadful.

The First Omen (2024)

An insult to the creators of the original

[1/10 · 6 April 2024]

Commits every crime a prequel could possibly commit. Steals scenes and exact camera shots from the original while simultaneously contradicting major plot points. They want you to remember the nanny who hung herself and the priest who got impaled, among other scenes, but want you to forget Damian was birthed by a jackal. This was expressly stated several times throughout the original trilogy, most notably by Father Brennan in The Omen and again by Damian himself in The Final Conflict. And we see the corpse of the jackal buried with Thorn's real son. But no no, this movie couldn't happen if that were the case, so they change it completely and, I kid you not, the jackal was Damian's father. Seriously, I'm not joking. Oh, and the fire mentioned in the original happens here because of course it does and the jackal burns in the fire, making the scene in the cemetery in The Omen make no sense. Speaking of making no sense, the central conflict of the film is not a satanic cult secretly operating within the catholic church, but the catholic church itself trying to bring about the birth of the antichrist to make people afraid again and boost church membership. I did not exaggerate this plot point for effect. That's literally their motive. It's absurd beyond belief. Combine all this with a ham fisted metaphor for women's reproductive rights and what you get is a terrible movie that spits in the face of everyone involved in the original trilogy.

True Detective: Night Country: Part 4 (2024) Season 4, Episode 4

The garbage writing continues to somehow get worse

[1/10 · 5 February 2024]

Just to highlight how terrible it has gotten I present the following chain of events, which serves as the bulk of the narrative of episode 4: Navarro's sister suffers a psychotic break and is found by Navarro at a shipwreck in the middle of nowhere nearly frozen to death. Navarro convinces her to check into a mental health facility. In a town with a population of about 600 people, there's a mental health facility. Anyway, she checks in and Navarro leaves. About ten minutes later the sister calls and tells Navarro she's fine. Cut to the sister back at the same shipwreck, stripping naked, and walking out into the frozen waste. So a mental health facility will check in a patient, and once the family mender of that patient is out of site, they'll just let that patient, who is a clear suicide risk, waltz right back out the door. If that doesn't defy belief enough for you, this happens: Navarro gets a call a whopping hour or two later from the coast guard. They found her sister's body floating in the ocean. So now we have a naked body in the ocean that the coast guard just happens to stumble upon, they make a positive ID in spite of her being naked, and call Navarro to break the news. It is so insanely stupid and so absurdly impossible I can't believe no one at HBO stepped in and re-wrote the entire thing. This is what you get when talentless content creators think their audience is stupid.

True Detective: Night Country: Part 3 (2024) Season 4, Episode 3

Very poorly and lazily written

[1/10 · 31 January 2024]

This a scattershot, unfocused mess. If I didn't know better I'd say it was written by a junior high school student. Every line of dialogue is expositional, stilted, unnatural, and laughable. There are too many characters crammed into the narrative for the sake of creating drama but it doesn't work because we don't know them or we don't like them, therefore it just becomes a distraction. Speaking of characters, there isn't a single likeable one in the bunch. Not because they're flawed people, or even bad people, but because they're terribly written. The one cop is supposed to be a native American who grew up in Alaska but she talks like she's from Philadelphia. It keeps clumsily trying to tie things to season 1 with the names Tuttle and Cohle but it's wince inducing, not revelatory. The central mystery is abandoned for long stretches, which is a horrific narrative choice for a six episode show. Nonsensical, scientifically impossible things; like a man frozen so solid his arm breaks off thaws out and is still alive, keep happening for the sake of big "gotcha" moments but they just come across as silly. There's no subtlety or suspense at all. One last thing: when a ghost shows up in a dream, vision, or real life to show a character the location of an important plot point, you're in the hands of a lazy hack of a writer.

Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (2023– )

Extremely poor, lazy writing.

[1/10 · 9 December 2023]

The first two episodes were decent enough but the season fell off a cliff in episode 3 in which the writing was awful (we need to escape this secret, super high tech government prison. Let's get in that jeep and just drive away). Episode four could have been condensed into the first 5 minutes of episode five given how little it advanced the story. It comiits the worst screen writing sins in that there is nothing driving the plot forward but contrivance, convenience, and luck. The pencil shavings still laying around fully exposed in the snowy wastelands of Alaska is a perfect example of how preposterous it gets, and that's a major plot point. Most of the characters exist for no other reason than to provide clumsy exposition or, in the case of May, who might just be the worst character to ever grace a television screen, use their magical computers to figure out things that no one could possibly know (I found this thing on my computer, now I know the exact spot, and I mean the EXACT SPOT in the middle of the nothingness of Alaska where your dad's plane went down!) Should have just named her May Deusexmachina. The central mystery is... Well, I have no idea, because it's that poorly executed and the entire thing is incredibly lazy. Focusing on the only three characters who are insufferably unlikeable was not a good creative decision and saddling a legend like Kurt Russell with them for two entire episodes was even worse. But worst of all, in 5 episodes we got maybe 3 minutes of giant monsters. Don't waste your time with this garbage, go see Godzilla Minus One instead.

The Marvels (2023)

2002 was the last time I walked out of a movie...

[1/10 · 9 November 2023]

That changed today. Forget about "worst Marvel movie ever," it clears that hurdle by leagues. No, this is a contender for the worst mega budget, big studio, theatrically released film ever made. The tone veers from painfully unfunny attempts at slapstick humor to terribly acted "this is most serious threat the world has ever faced" moments that aim for gravitas but miss by miles, and sometimes these ridiculous tonal shifts occur in the same scene. Nothing makes sense, NOTHING. And that's the first 45 minutes before I had enough and left the theater and demanded a refund. I can't believe this script got a greenlight, let alone a $300 million budget. Speaking of which, where on this earth did all that money go? It certainly is not up on the screen as this is some of the worst CGI I have ever seen. Movies made in the 90s look a thousand times better than this catastrophe. I keep reading articles about why this movie is going to fail and they all got it wrong; three incomprehensibly unlikable leads, a nonsensical script, and a woefully incompetent director are why this movie is such a failure. The reviews that say this film is bad are wrong, but it's not the critic's fault; it's just that human language hasn't evolved a word strong enough to describe just how awful it truly is. I can still smell the stink of it on my clothes.

Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

Did a monkey with a camera strapped to it's head direct this?

[1/10 · 6 October 2023]

What an amateurish slog of a film. Why on earth would any studio hand the reigns of a franchise film to Lindsey Anderson Beer? She was a writer on a handful of really, really, terrible films and tv shows. That's all she's done. How is someone with zero experience behind the camera and a resume that's chock full 'o nothing but vacuous garbage expected to craft a frightening, nuanced film? The part of the novel when Jud tells the story of Timmy and Bill Baterman is absolutely chilling, expanding it to feature film length could have been something in the hands of even the most modestly skilled director, but instead we get jump-scare trash made by someone that may as well been picked off the street. What a wasted opportunity.

The Exorcist: Believer (2023)

Makes The Pope's Exorcist look like The Exorcist.

[1/10 · 6 October 2023]

John Boorman can sleep a little easier tonight; he is no longer responsible for directing the worst film in The Exorcist franchise. Why, in the name of God, does DGG bring back Ellen Burstyn just to treat the character of Chris McNeil with such contempt? Watching this movie I started to wonder if DGG hates William Friedkin. That's the level of disrespect on display. This is the worst film I've seen in some time, and in this day and age, that's saying something. It's one of those movies in which a character, or in this case 3 or 4 characters, stop to tell the audience exactly... What. Is. Happening. On. Screen. More than a bad film, it's an enraging one. The option should exist to award zero stars. It's existence is a blasphemy.

Cocaine Bear (2023)

What is this supposed to be?

[2/10 · 24 February 2023]

I'm not sure how to categorize Cocaine Bear. It's not funny, it's not scary, it's not suspenseful. The only thing it has going for it is a decent amount of violence. Beyond that this film is a tonal mess and almost aggressively bad. What's even worse is that it's so desperate to be over-the-top zany that it becomes embarrassing after about 20 minutes. I'm not sure if it's because the script is terrible or because Banks has no idea how to balance this material but, in truth, it's probably both. There is nothing to recommend about this movie. It's not fun, it's not clever; don't waste your time.

Halloween Ends (2022)

Worst of the franchise by a wide margin

[1/10 · 19 October 2022]

Rick Rosenthal, Paul Freeman, and Larry Brand can relax; they are no longer responsible for the worst film in the franchise. David Gordon Green made a couple of creative decisions in Halloween '18 that ultimately derailed the film, in Halloween Kills he made many, many ill advised creative decisions, and wrote a horrible script, that resulted in a film that was so bad it defied belief. That brings us to Halloween Ends. This is a film in which not a single thing works. Every single decision made by the creators of this film was the wrong one. This isn't just the worst horror film of the year, it's is possibly the worst big budget film, in any genre, of the last 25 years. Shockingly, mind numbingly, unfathomably terrible.

Hellraiser (2022)

A fundamental misunderstanding of the source material

[1/10 · 13 October 2022]

Very, very, bad. The acting was amateurish, the characters are all paper thin and do incredibly stupid things, the cinematography was so awful you could barely see what was going on, the creature effects were very poor (the close up of the Chatterer revealed worse makeup than in 87), and the script was a joke. The reliance on luck and convenience to propel the plot forward was so over the top it became humorous. Jaimie Clayton is getting all this praise when all she did was stand there with a stupid smirk on her face and the dubbed voice was ridiculous. Worst of all, they completely ruined the rules and motivations for the cenobites. Gone is the Lovecraftian pursuit of forbidden knowledge and the instant regret that came with finding it. Gone is the dimension of suffering where the solvers of the box are imprisoned. Instead, if someone bleeds on the box the cenobites show up... and kill them. It was so disrespectful to the novella and first film it made me angry.

Dark Glasses (2022)

Shockingly, quite good

[8/10 · 3 October 2022]

I was totally expecting to be let down, to the point that I almost didn't watch this. I'm glad I did. While it's never going to be mentioned in the same sentence as the classics from his prime, Dark Glasses is quite good. Most of Argento's hallmarks are there: Some graphic violence, a smidge of gratuitous nudity, dream logic craziness (water snake attack!) and something which is not an Argento hallmark; actual character development. What it lacks, unfortunately, are those insane Argento camera angles. A legitimate gripe but, not unforgivable. The last film Argento made that was remotely watchable was Mother of Tears. Dark Glasses is substantially better. If, at 82 years old, this is Argento's last film, it's not a bad note to go out on at all. 8 out of 10. Recommended.

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022– )

*Update after ep 4* Full discretion; I only watched episode 1

[1/10 · 3 September 2022]

*Updated thoughts after episode 4: I kept going hoping I was wrong, but not only is the show boring, the writing is downright awful, and Galadriel is a terrible, wooden character that is unlikeable beyond belief. Season 1 is now half way over and still, STILL, nothing has happened. I'm done with it now, won't be watching anther episode. This creative team is incapable of delivering a watchable series.* And my God, it was the most boring, uninteresting thing I've ever seen. Usually I go into details about the plot, story, etc. And do not hesitate to go into spoilers but, literally, nothing happens in episode one. It didn't even work as character building because nothing happens with the characters either. The dialogue is laughable to the point it sounds like something SNL would have done in parody. If a friend asked me explain what happened my honest answer would be: "well, nothing." I can report that the visuals are good, but that will only get you so far. Looking at a still painting for an hour would have been more enlightening.

Prey (I) (2022)

Each new film in this franchise becomes the worst. Prey is now the worst.

[1/10 · 28 July 2022]

The film starts with Naru out wandering around with her dog. The dog gets its tail stuck in a bear trap and Naru uses her medical knowledge, which consists of a bag of mysterious herbs she carries, to help the dog. Because of course she has medical knowledge. That's when she sees the predator ship make the clouds look all weird along with some lights in the sky. She takes it as a sign that she is finally ready to be a hunter.

In her Comanche tribe she is told by everyone that because she is a girl she can't be a hunter! But she insists that she wants to be one solely because no one thinks she can. Very authentic so far. We meet her mom who serves as an exposition dump character, explaining the film's theme with the subtlety of a sledge hammer, which is that you hunt to survive. Then we meet her mystical and magical native American brother. Magic Indians. Very respectful so far. Then we get some filler scenes of the tribe doing their daily routines. And at one point it gets explained that for a tribe member to become a hunter they have to track and kill a large animal. That's all it takes. We are quickly introduced to some other members of the tribe, but they are all so forgettable you can't tell them apart. Not one of them can act either, which doesn't help matters. Then a party of the young men have to go out and find a companion that was attacked by a big CGI puma. I can't remember how they know this companion was attacked, or how they knew by what, but that is how this movie goes. Stuff just happens, and people just know things whenever it is convenient for the plot to have stuff happen and for characters to know things they cannot possibly know. So Naru convinces them to let her come along because the plot needs her to be there. We are then treated to one of the most absurd scenes in the history of cinema: Naru's brother kills the cartoon puma. Does he do it with stealth and hunting skill? No he does not; he faces off with the puma and fights it... IN A TREE!! In a scene so inundated with poor CGI it makes The Scorpion King look like Blade Runner 2049. No hyperbole, this scene is so stupid I can't believe someone wrote it, filmed it, and left it in the movie. While all this is going on we are cutting back and forth to short scenes of the predator. In yet another absurd scene we are treated to an on the nose montage of the food chain in action, because we wouldn't know this movie was about hunting by the title and the fact that it's the 87th movie in the franchise. We literally follow an ant, that gets killed by a mouse, that gets killed by a snake, which gets killed by the predator. This is such a huge moment for the predator it takes the snake's head. You won't believe this but hours later Naru finds the decapitated snake and, I kid you not, it tries to attack her. Thats not enough to drive home the theme of the movie though so we get this scene played out again, but it's with a rabbit killed by a wolf.

The wolf then tries to fight the predator like the snake did, and the predator kills the wolf and takes its head, again. Then Naru builds a rope out of tree bark and weeds because of course she can do that. She uses it to tether her tomahawk to herself because that is a thing that people do with hatchets. I wonder if it will come in handy later. Then Naru is attacked by a cartoon bear rendered in CGI from 1998. Just as she's about to be killed by it, the predator saves her. Why does the predator save her? Don't know. It just shows up and kills the bear, because reasons.

Then she finds a bunch of skinned buffalo that were killed by... French hunters?! Anyway, the predator starts hunting the Comanche, who get killed in an explosion of CGI blood and guts. Remember the first time you saw Predator and were kinda miffed when a character you liked got killed? That doesn't happen here because the characters are wooden, disposable and interchangeable. I didn't know who was just killed and I really didn't care, and the awful CGI blood guarantees the kills aren't even cool. The predator kills basically everyone except Naru because she was caught in a bear trap. This is really a thing that happens. The plot finally needs the french hunters to arrive in the film and they take her captive. Luckily for the plot, her brother is already their hostage. The Frenchmen, who aren't memorable characters either, set up a trap for the predator by using Naru and her brother as bait. This is the foggy scene in the woods from the trailer. The predator sneaks up on the Frenchmen and kills them with more CGI from 1998, then goes to where Naru and her brother whose name I forgot already and kills the rest of the frenchmen there, but it let's Naru and her brother escape. Why does it let them escape? Don't know. They catch up with a surviving Frenchman who had his foot cut off and Naru agrees to heal him with her magic herbs, for real, in exchange for giving her the gun from Predator 2 and showing her how to use it. You remember the gun from Predator 2. A predator had it. On a spaceship. I guess Naru just dropped it at some point for another predator to find and take back to space. Anyway, Naru and her brother now fight the predator who her brother stabs with a spear. Then he's killed by the predator. Naru, all mad that her brother is dead, finds the rest of the frenchmen and singlehandedly kills them all. This is not a joke. Naru lures the predator in by using a Frenchman as bait. Why did the predator let Naru and her brother escape when they were used as bait but not this Frenchman? Don't know. Then she sets a huge bonfire, making herself invisible. How does she know the fire would make her invisible to the predator? Don't know. She shoots it in the head from behind, but this doesn't kill the predator. It only very convieniently knocks off its mask, which Naru steals. Because of course she does. Then she fist fights the predator, all 4 and a half feet and 80 pounds of her. In the confusing, hard to follow action, she gets away and sets up a trap using the predator helmet. Then she uses her roped tomahawk to force the predator to the exact spot she needs it to be in. The predator fires something at her, but this causes its own mask to shoot back, beheading the predator. How did she know the mask would work this way? Don't know. Why wouldn't an advanced alien race with automated defense systems built into their head gear not think to install a safety mechanism? Don't know. Why did the script writers use the exact same contrived plot point as The Predator? Don't know. The predator now dead, Naru lets out her war cry, and for the first time in this movie I felt amusement, but I don't think that is was what the filmmakers intended. She walks back to her tribe's camp carrying the severed head of the predator, mirroring an earlier scene where her brother carried the puma's head back to camp, and finally giving her the moment where she has achieved her goal of being a hunter. You see, she killed an even bigger animal than her brother did! She was the better hunter all along! That's it. That's the movie. Every single plot development in it hinges on luck, convenience, characters knowing things they can't possibly know, and constantly changing behavior by the predator. This movie is garbage. -F.

Vampir (2021)

Haunting, atmospheric, disturbing, and beautiful

[10/10 · 22 July 2022]

Having grown extremely bored with the modern and increasingly ridiculous take on vampire lore, this was like a breath of fresh air. Seeing the vampire legend treated with such respect through a Serbian lens (Contrary to popular belief, the vampire legend began in Serbia, not Transylvania) was quite an experience. The cinematography is astounding, the acting is very good and the slow burn creep factor is off the charts. Tomavic creates a palpable, almost suffocating sense of dread with his stellar direction. If you think vampires sparkle, have jobs, or are capable of snappy banter, you owe it to yourself to see what true vampire lore is all about. This film will linger long after the credits roll.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Is this actually brilliant satire? (Spoilers)

[8/10 · 20 February 2022]

When I finished the movie, I hated it. Would have awarded 2 stars right then and there but a strange thing happened; after 24 hours I'm still thinking about it. (Something that did not happen with the forgettable new Halloweens, Scream, or Candyman) Then it hit me: this is a satire of the "legacy sequel." All the tropes are there: the diverse cast, the clumsy and pointless addition of characters from the original, and all the virtue signaling. (seriously, the plot kicks into gear over offense at a tattered confederate flag) Then those tropes are destroyed, one after another. These characters are such awful people that you immediately start rooting for their demise. In any other movie the strong African American character would have been the hero but here he's the most unlikable character in the film, while the white, gun toting redneck is the most complex and compassionate character. Speaking of guns, after setting you up for an anti-gun message, the film pulls the rug out by actually taking a pro gun stance when the PTSD suffering character finds her strength by picking up an AR-15 and fighting back. And that legacy character set up to be the next Laurie Strode? She shows up only to get butchered within minutes. I found this to be a betrayal of the Sally character, but realistically, what else was going to happen? Did anyone really think she was going to defeat a 250 pound man in hand to hand combat? The film is not without its flaws, in fact, there are many. But the dismantling of the "legacy sequel" was actually quite genius. Scream raised a giant middle finger to fans of original films by calling them toxic if they don't like the new movies, TCM raises a giant middle finger to Scream, and the rest of those garbage sequels with the massacre of the moronic cliches that those films created. And my God, that final scene when Eyebrows gets yanked out of the self driving Tesla and decapitated was an inspired moment.

Coming 2 America (2021)

Shockingly terrible

[1/10 · 8 March 2021]

An absolutely crushing disappointment. Do not sully your love of the original with this abomination, watch Dolemite is my Name instead.

The Pond (2021)

Brilliant, hypnotic combination of folk horror and cosmic horror told from a Serbian perspective, but it's not for everyone

[10/10 · 3 March 2021]

I decided to write this to explain what what went on in the film. There will be spoilers. In the film, our main character, the professor, is researching... something. The hypothesis behind this research was so bizarre that the university he worked for forced him into sabbatical to cope with the mental illness that produced his ideas. We learn early on that instead of resting the professor travels daily to an island in the middle of a nearby pond to continue his work in isolation, much to the chagrin of his concerned colleague whom he still communicates with via video calls. The island is inhabited by several odd characters: the boatman who is always falling asleep, the chess player who is constantly eating cookies, the maintenance man who exists in a constant state of near rage, and two very bratty children who appear to be sisters. The only other characters in the film are the professor's colleague, his girlfriend and his daughter. After a rather intense conversation with his colleague we learn the professor began his work after the death of his wife. The closer he gets to proving his hypothesis he becomes increasingly paranoid, reality distorts, people around him start to behave oddly and things generally get (more) weird and surreal (Spoilers from here on out) as character motivations begin to either change or become clear. His girlfriend, who is a former student, is revealed to be working with the professor's colleague in an attempt to either prevent or steal the professor's research. At the close of the 2nd act we learn that the professor's hypothesis is that the world is actually Hell, and he has proven it with his research. His ultimate goal is humanity's escape from Hell which, upon changing our ways after learning we are indeed in Hell, can actually be accomplished. He explains this in a conversation with his colleague and sends his research to him via video call. The colleague receives the data only to launch into a monologue about how this should have been his discovery. He then reveals that he knows the professor is right because of a dream he had and, in one of the film's most chilling scenes, recites a song he heard in the dream while he calmly puts on his coat and hat, opens a window, and jumps to his death while the professor looks on in helpless horror. Once he composes himself, the professor has a revelation. His girlfriend, his colleague, and the inhabitants of the island are the seven princes of hell, all represented by the animal that coincides with the sins they lord over, and all are trying to prevent his discovery. His girlfriend is represented by the goat = lust. His colleague is represented by the snake = envy. One of the little girls is represented by the peacock = pride. The other by the frog = greed. The chess player, the boar = gluttony. The boatman, the turtle = sloth. And the maintenance man, the cat = wrath. Finally, the man wearing a mask of branches is the King of Hell. The professor now knows his daughter is in mortal danger, so he gives her his research, puts her in the boat and sends her away, while the princes of hell wait for him on shore. As she drifts off the King of Hell rises from the underworld while the professor appears imprisoned in what looks to be an insane asylum having a conversation with the chess player. The chess player explains that the King of Hell has chosen the professor's daughter as his next human host, which was the goal all along. As he does the film cuts to the King of Hell approaching the professor's daughter, who tosses the research aside, puts on a mask, and walks away with the King. The chess player tells the professor "You lost this one friend. Checkmate. Or should I say: 'the king is dead. Long live the king'." The last thing we see is the professor's daughter sitting on a pile of thatch like a throne. The world will stay in Hell. The singing of the song is heard as the credits roll: Do not wake him up he is dreaming. If he opens his eyes he will not see us anymore. If he wakes up we will cease to exist. If we stop praying to him he will have nightmares. If it may be so our world will stay in Hell. So keep quiet, he is asleep. Lets sing in silence while he dreams. He dreams of the world while the world dreams of him. In the silence of a noise, in the darkness of the light. Eternal in the end.