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Reviews
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
The Best Batman Movie Of The Twentieth Century
An absolute masterpiece composed by Warner Bros. No other Batman movies can live up to its standard (except Batman Begins), and as of yet, I've never seen a better animated movie.
The script is brilliant, the story is their own improvisation and succeeds to be excellent in every aspect. The voice acting, I thought, was overwhelming compared to other cartoons. Kevin Conroy is the perfect voice for Batman. Gruff and petrifying. Mark Hammill is also a brilliant Joker. This has been given less credit than it deserves, and it deserves a lot of credit.
Of course, a Batman film would not be without a few twisted villains. The Joker is the main villain, but does not actually have any plans for criminality until he is confronted by one of his former victims. The climatic ending is overwhelming, with Batman and the Joker absolutely battering the living hell out of each other. It doesn't hesitate to show blood or violence, and to a higher extent, it gives the film one of its dark elements.
Bruce Wayne's former fiancée, Andrea has come back to Gotham City for a vengeance on all the mobsters who were involved in the killing of her father. Batman cannot allow that, it's his City. The joker is dragged into the frame when it is found he is one of the mobsters who was involved in the murder of her father. The story contains no flaws. None, whatsoever.
The film possesses everything you'd hope for. A kick-ass Batman, violence, dark elements, a sense of romance, action, a good cast and a license of its own to be creative in its own story. The worst bit is the credits, when it finishes you off with a jazz-like song. That's the only thing I can say that's bad about it.
A true landmark in movie history.
Lilo & Stitch (2002)
The worst cartoon in world history.
This film is so unbelievably bad, I began to dread listening to Elvis. The story is about a little alien from outer space, who was created by a dutch alien, who can lift very heavy things and looks like a koala...whoops, is this a nightmare?
It might as well be. After watching this, don't watch it again. IT'S POISON. It actually has the koala dress up and play like Elvis at one point and then go on to try and kill someone on the beach. And if that's not enough rubbish for one day, it's based in Hawaii.
Basically, don't even bother thinking about this. Just think about how Disney used to be.
--WARNING: MAY RUIN LIVES--
Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
This is so bad, I cried.
I walked into a packed cinema screening when I was younger, expecting a good Disney family film. I walked out vomiting my own intestines. This is the second worst Disney movie ever. Lilo and Stitch topped this one's awful display with the worst story ever.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire doesn't just urinate on all of the Disney films before it, it spits on your face and takes your money in like a vacuum. The story consists of an array of plot holes and terrible twists and turns, the characters are disgusting and the script is passable.
The Disney corporation is bringing out some absolutely awful films to date, such as: Hunchback of Notre Damne 2, Bedauty and the Beast 3 and Cinderella 2! But, when they try to actually come up with an original movie, they come out with disgraces like Atlantis and Lilo and Stitch.
So what's going on with Disney? Absolute bullshit. The old classics like Snow White, Little Mermaid, oh I could go on; changed animated movies forever. But this new stuff mutates cartoon movies into inbred sequels with foamy mouths and a brain the size of a pea.
This has to stop, I've got to admit. Either Disney wake up and smell the coffee, or we'll be left with awful presentations of pure garbage like the one made here.
Batman: Dead End (2003)
A seven minute movie with no surprises.
Taking into consideration that this was a seven minute movie, you cannot rate this as a full length feature film. The script is poor, the fight scene makes no sense whatsoever and the Joker is, well, a joke! He has a green, plastic, one eyebrow for God's sake! "Look at my face, this is who I..." Shut up! Just shut up, and stop trying to clone script from Tim Burton's film and meddle with it! I've got to admit, though, the props used are brilliant, taking in consideration that this was only a $30, 000 budget film. That doesn't mean it's good. And it isn't good, classified as a movie.
Watch this as a short film and think 'Wow, this is a good home movie! Almost professional!', not 'THAT WAS DA BEST BATMAN EVA!'.
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Like a bar of chocolate without a golden ticket inside...
As I say, the book is always superior to its film. In this case, my philosophy proves correct. Charlie and The Chocolate Factory was a brilliant book with great characters. Willy Wonka, was personally my favourite character. He had an evil, twisted side to him. Quite cynical at times, and a very sadistic individual. "My chocolate! My chocolate! Look what this child has done to my chocolate!" Wonka shouted, as one of his guests began to drown in a pool of chocolate sauce.
In the film, he proves very similar. Gene Wilder is the best part of the film, and there's no doubt about it. And there's no doubt that Charlie deserves a candy cane through the head. The film has bad actors (overall), a decent array of script and effect and um-pa f*****g lump-as. The um-pa lump-as ruin many aspects of the film, and everything seems too childish all the way through. The glittery music and bright presentation didn't impress Roald Dahl, and it didn't impress me.
If you were to class this as a kid's movie (As it is) you'd rate this well and give it to your children for their enjoyment. But, don't expect too much. Wait until Tim Burton's adaptation is shown in the cinemas, and then make up your mind what's better.
For other alternatives, I'd recommend something like Toy Story or the Lion King for your kids.
Shrek 2 (2004)
Puss in Boots will rock your world
The first Shrek movie was in many ways a bad movie. The second one is a sellout too, but to a greater extent.
But it's a good part at times. As well as the comedy produced that you want to hear from the comedy legends that star in it (John Cleese, Jennifer Saunders, Eddie Murphy) you get a cat in boots! That was the major factor for the 8/10. Don't mess with the cat, it'll eat your brain.
Whoever hates this shall be executed by Puss, with a sword...in the head. But, getting back to the film, Shrek is the most stupid character in the whole film. I hate that green waste! He should just die and let the film be called 'Puss'.
I could go on all day why the Fairy Godmother is a legend, Prince Charming could destroy Shrek in a fight and Puss would have Donkey in a wrestling match, but I've reviewed enough already.
Watch this, and urinate on the prequel.
Shrek (2001)
A green faeces belly flops into showbiz
When I watched this animated film, I was always expecting it to be a huge sellout. And I was correct. Look at the proof: Stuffing a long list of good actors into 80 minutes; shoving a pop song into a portion of the film every five minutes. And the most perverse thing is, it's about a big ogre and his companion who can talk and is a donkey! Who is in love with a dragon! Seriously, the creators of this had better get a few tips from Toy Story and stop sticking sexual innuendos into any space they can find: "Heh, I've gotta save me ass!" Because this is getting old real fast.
The best bit is the part with the gingerbread man, and it's the only part I actually laughed at instead of a little chuckle.
"Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the GINGERBREAD MAN!!!" Lord Farquad is a legend, and no one can excuse him of that title.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
The series hits it's worst point, the end...
As the series has caught on to a new franchise, attracting younger viewers and tugging a whole new look to the style of Tolkien's world, attention to detail becomes flawed and relentless in trying to sound clever in some of the lines; and characters begin to make conversations that are unnecessary that you've all heard before. Such as: "Middle Earth will fall to the hand of SAURON." being quoted by nearly ten people in the series.
It possesses inner qualities in it's self that are more miscellaneous rather than real movie quality. It's clichéd, it's corny and repetitive, but that's what makes it brilliant. The fact that everything is coming to an end in a great adventure to end all adventures is the main interior of this epic series climax that we see before us conquers all of your reason to criticise and leaves you on the edge of your seat...that is, after two hours and forty-five minutes...
The rest of the film is absolutely abysmal, and there is no point in the last three scenes except for filler material. If those last scenes were the overall quality of the film, this would be 4/10. Because it is a pure waste of time to look at the last twenty minutes.
Another huge flaw, is that all the bits you actually didn't want to miss that were from the book are missed and some of the things you desperately wanted to observe are on sale for £10-20. They are all put on as extras on DVD video.
I give this a strong 8, for reasons I said earlier. No doubt the worst film in the series, but you could still watch this over and over again and never get bored...
I hope the new Peter Jackson movie bodes well, as he puts King Kong at the centre of his new phenomenon, because he's been a brilliant director for the LOTR series.
Animal Farm (1999)
Send this to the Glue Factory
Considering Orwell's brilliance of Animal Farm, this is a shambles compared to the book's ingenious. Badly written and acted, but still possessed a minor amount of qualities that Animal Farm had. Everything just seemed too cheesy, and most of all, not very good. The character interpretations were absolutely terrible, and no one cared about any one of the humans. As always, Napoleon is hated bitterly by most, and Snowball is seen as the hero, but I didn't care in this film.
And they actually cut out some of the events from the f*****g book! Why? There's no point! It's a bit embarrassing to watch the film.
I wouldn't say this was rubbish, just an average attempt at trying to portray the book's intelligence; ending up with a film to be watched once, and never again.
Batman Begins (2005)
One of the best movies of this century...
After the abysmal attempt at directing by Joel Schumacher in Batman and Robin, I didn't have much faith in another movie coming out and surprising me at all. But on Sunday, that all changed.
When I heard a new Batman movie would hit the cinemas in June, I was excited (being a fan of the comics) when I heard they were going for a darker approach to re-invent the Batman franchise. 'New director: Christopher Nolan' shocked me, when I heard he was British and wanted to do his best to make this brilliant. I thought there were some strange choices for the actors to play the different parts. For example: Michael Caine as Alfred, Liam Neeson as Ra's Al Ghul and Gary Oldman as Commissioner Gordon.
So on Sunday, 19th June, I went into the screenings hoping for everything I had wanted the movie to be; when I came out, it was like a dream had come true. I have to say, the film was f***ing amazing, and Christopher Nolan has created the best super hero movie yet. The first time you see a glimpse of Batman is where he's thrashing the drug dealers working for Valconi, and as Valconi looks out his limo window, he can see them all be pummelled to pieces. He loads his shotgun and grunts under his breath: What the hell are you? And once you hear those words, two hands rip him out of the car, and Batman is revealed as he growls: I'm Batman. And knocks him unconscious.
Whoever loves Batman has to see the film, it's a real, spectacular treat that needs to be savoured and cradled until it kicks you in the face and shouts: III'M DAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRKKK. It's actually very intimidating. It has the best actors of the Batman films, the best storyline, the best Batman: Christian Baile and the best director.