HeartCollector Reviews

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

truly, truly, deeply frightening...

[10/10 · 12 April 2006]

So much has been said about this film in various literary forms that a simple review no longer seems appropriate in this day and age. Suffice it to say this is not only the best horror movie ever made but to be honest it could easily be argued that it is the best MOVIE ever made full stop. No horror movie before or since has captured the same intensity of raw, repellent and unrelenting fear.

Whether it be a happy accident due to the tiny budget or a clear stylistic choice from the outset, the stark, eye-watering realism of the film reels you in like a fish on the end of a rusty barb and then it mercilessly toys with, and destroys you like a child pissing on a nest of ants. This primal fear that the film evokes is made all the more lasting by the notion that whilst you are nestled up warm on your sofa watching the movie in the comfort of your home, somewhere in this sick world that we live in, someone could very well be in the process of doing precisely the things that 'Leatherface and family' are doing to those poor kids. Does no one find that deeply frightening? I sure do!

Boogeyman (2005)

I Hate this film!

[1/10 · 15 December 2005]

Soooo I ended up seeing this film at the cinema cos my half brother is a moron who only likes bland Hollywood movies... I could have said no... no... I won't suffer the indignity but foolishly I figured "Hey, at least I'm not paying for it" and tagged along... but I did pay... oh lord I did pay...

This film is basically about a middle class twenty-something advertising executive (with a hot rich girlfriend and a really slick car)... who is frightened of cupboards!!!!!!!! CUPBOARDS!!!!! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This is apparently due to some childhood trauma that occurs in the opening scene but to be honest I'm not sure exactly what happened cos the sequence looked like it was shot and edited by an epileptic who had taken an amphetamine overdose. It seems to have become accepted in Hollywood that the best way to make a scary movie is to direct it like a Britney spears music video... admittedly thats pretty terrifying but not if you:

Cast bland, wooden actors... Base all your scares on tired haunted house cliché's (The wardrobe scene was one of the most poorly executed horror sequences I've ever seen, void of tension, void of style and the pay off is so lame even a black cat hissing and jumping on him would have been preferable)... Layer the most annoyingly intrusive score over everything... Make no attempt at narrative cohesion... Drench the final scene in childish CGI...

If this film had contained even a shred of lightheartedness about it I might have found it tolerable but everything about it was so po-faced and serious, I find it hard to believe anyone could enjoy this film on any level. It's almost impossible to relate to any of the characters, mainly because they are so miserable and unlikeable and as a result it's impossible to CARE whether they live/die/disappear/get snatched by a stupid purple comic book character.

I recommend that anyone who is remotely considering seeing this film does not do so for their own well being and the sake of their souls... Don't become like me! Don't become a bitter purple CGI freak who hides in cupboards thinking about how much he wants to flame this film on every website on the internet... I hate this film! AAARGH!