Sumpmonster Reviews

Obliterated (2023)

Few Redeeming Qualities

[2/10 · 10 December 2023]

Complete and utter drivel. It's beyond belief that something so lacking in substance can get greenlighted as a television show. Style? There is none. A grossly untalented cast, Kimi Rutledge being the exception who at least brings some humor to something that is a poor excuse for action comedy. Poorly executed hyperbole combined with puerile cliche just adds to the torture, both visual and aural. A clear demonstration of how low Netflix has sunk. I can only imagine this is aimed at attracting pre-pubesceent boys that have no life other than which exists inside the internal workings of a Sony PlayStation.

Alchemy of Souls (2022– )

Astonishing!

[10/10 · 8 September 2022]

If you have a spare 24 hours in your life, then drop everything and binge on this stunning Korean drama. A magnificent East Asian mythology that seems to have been fused with the best elements of Shakespearean tragicomedy providing one of the best series that Netflix has to offer.

The sets are sumptuous, the cast are incredibly gorgeous and the fight scenes choreographed to perfection. The sub-plot between Maidservant Kim (Oh Na-Ra) and Park Jin (Joong-Sang Oh) is a brilliant little diversion from the main plot, but that is just one of many that keeps the story moving at a pace that rarely lets up.

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (2017)

Don't Watch, Read

[1/10 · 31 May 2022]

The reviews for this movie are way more interesting and entertaining than this movie could hope to be. Or maybe not, maybe this is the producers cunning plan to dupe every movie fan into watching this unadulterated garbage in the hope that every other project they're involved in won't seem so bad.

Prouduction values of an tsetse fly.

Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

Sci-Fi Claptrap

[3/10 · 2 April 2021]

I really liked Kong: Skull Island and have fairly enjoyed the monsterverse movies. This really was a bridge too far in mixed up, baffling and unrealistic storylines. I wasn't sure if they were trying to pay homage to a load of other sci-fi/fantasy movies or they really didn't have any clue whatsoever. Seemed to slide between At the Earths Core, Pacific Rim, Avatar and even Colin Farrell's Total Recall got a look in. Kong manages to become Thor with his own Stormbreaker and at one point I though we were back in the depths of the mines of Khazad-dum. Really shocking and while I realise it's a vehicle to get to the climatic fight scenes it's all very poorly done. Usual nice effects as expected, but peripheral human actors add little to the experience. Even the ending is terribly predictable if quite well done. I'd rather watch Pacific Rim over and over than watch this again. Wondering where they'll go with it next.

Greenland (2020)

Offers Nothing, Delivers Less

[3/10 · 10 January 2021]

Apart from having the emotionally bereft Butler as the protagonost what could go wrong? Lots apparently. This is a movie that has zero going for it apart from Bacarrin as one of the most under-rated actress doing the rounds and a short cameo by the evergreen Scot Glen. This is like one of those daytime disaster movies except it is longer, less happens and has a lead that no one can relate to. Baccarin is delightful, such a charming actress it's so disappointing that she's involved in such drivel. I doubt that I've seen a movie that is so unoroginal and where very little happens other than the cast running about in ever decreasing circles. Throw in a couple of heroic moments of self sacrifice and it's going to be alright? Fraid not. Producers, director and scriptwriter really need to hang their collective heads in shame. A real Christmas turkey.

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

So Disappointing

[4/10 · 7 January 2021]

I don't read comic books so I'm not sure of this is faithfull or otherwise. I do know it's a mess and a waste of talent. I can only assume the casting director was drunk or on long term sick when the cast was put together. Gadot, who was very good in the original, one of the few positives in Dawn of Justice and single handedly held Justice League together is terrible. He performance is so flat although she's not helped by a painfully disjointed script. Pine doesn't appear interested, maybe too much of an easy paycheck for him. Pascal and Wiig are woefully miscast. There's so much wrong with this it's unfair to criticise individuals, but maybe it's time for a break from superhero movies, at least DC superhero stuff.

Restless Natives (1985)

A Fair Attempt

[6/10 · 26 December 2020]

Riding on the wave of understated, witty Scottish comedies precursorred by Bill Forsyth came this interesting little movie. While it doesn't reach the heights of Gregory's Girl or Local Hero, this is an amusing way to spend 90 minutes. The script isn't great and most of the characters outwith of the leads are mostly dislkeable, but there is certain charm to it, backed up by some well respected supporting actors. Aside from the scenery, the rambunctious soundtrack by Big Country gives the movie real heart/

Brave (2012)

Superb Animation

[6/10 · 26 December 2020]

It's Pixar so you would expect nothing less than the beautifully drawn characters and scenery. The script on the other hand was often cliched, stereotypical and predictable. On the other hand, MacDonald's beautiful Scottish lilt helps carry the movie through some sticky patched. Some of the Stoogie-esque slaptick is over done and the story is incredibly muddled, but kids will love it. Not a complete diasaster

Where to Invade Next (2015)

Brilliant Observation

[9/10 · 20 December 2020]

The faix outrage from the MAGA crowd who watch this documentary is hysterical. Is it biased? Of course it is, Moore has a liberal agenda, always has and always will. This shouldn't be a surprised to anyone. The point has been lost on many who seem to think Moore is anti-patriotic when the opposite is true. I met Moore once in Ireland and he is one of the most patriotic and positive people I have ever met. He wants whats best for his country, but the alt-right only see him as a gun stealer. Here Moore cherry picks the best bits that some European countries and Tunisia (yes Tunisia, the shining light of democracy) to import them to make the USA better. It's a light hearted and whimsical look at some ideas that are perhaps worth thinking about. For me, Finland and their attitude to education is enlightening. Remove all pressure from kids and they'll flourish.

What We Did on Our Holiday (2014)

The Coming of Age of Kenneth MacLeod

[9/10 · 19 December 2020]

Sentimental and schmaltzy, but ultimately charming movie. The real stars are the kids and none more so than background character Kenneth who is pretty much dismissed by his father throughout the movie, but makes it big with the gorgeous violinist in the party band. Really the movie is about terminal cancer sufferer Gordie MacLeod, a former professional and international footballer whose dying wish is carried out by his young grandchildren - Lottie, Mickey and Jess. This throws the who family into turmoil, no more than Gavin, Gordie's elder son who is a fairly dispicable venture capitalist. Wonderful movie

Last Christmas (2019)

Extra Point for Clarke Being Super Cute

[5/10 · 14 December 2020]

So this isn't great. It barely makes it to ok and bar a few chuckles not too funny. Clarke brings it above risible due to her charm and pleasant nature on screen. I doubt she will ever be considered more than a solid lead, but she exudes charm and will always be watchable. The script is clunky and overly PC, not very funny and has little pace to it. There is a flimsy and contrived feel to it. Improved writing and direction could have made this a much better movie.

Local Hero (1983)

Under-rated Classic

[10/10 · 13 December 2020]

There is no more charming movie than Local Hero. It is a fantastic story with brilliantly observed understated humour. There aren't many movies out there with no dispicable characters and this is one - even the pyschotic psychotherapist has the best intentions.. Even the nasty American oil moguls are decent people. The horrible Gordon Urquhart accepts his fate in full understanding. Poor old Mac, he falls in love with Ferness, but is whisked out of what he believes to be his paradise, by his boss. Every time I watch this I still expect to see Mac arriving back at the phone box in the arms of the lovely Stella. Amazing must see movie with so many connections to other great movies and of course the late great Burt Lancaster. Bill Forsyth's finest hour and proof that with a subtle script, great characters, stunning location and some more than decent actors, a small budget can go a long way.

Away (2020)

Just When You Were Thinking Astronauts Were Dull...

[3/10 · 6 December 2020]

...along came this risible soap opera set in space. That is about the only difference between this and other daytime TV pap that comes along. The story is dull, the characters are dull and other than going to Mars there is nothing new or original to see here. In fact Mars is hardly innovative. And the guy with the Butcher's Apron on his sleeve is pretty useless.

That Sinking Feeling (1979)

Brilliantly Observed Gem

[9/10 · 29 November 2020]

I was in the UK and caught this crcking little movie. Igonore the production standards and the ropey plot (it's comedy!) that make it look and sound af it's been shot on a Super 8 cine camera. Considering there was no budget this works because of keen scripting, natural actors and understated situational observation. It's hard not to love this movie. The scene where they talk about disabling the factory fire alarm is short, but absolutely brilliant and reminescent of a chargehand that I used to work with from the West of Scotland many years ago. It's a real pity Bill Forsyth's subtle and indirect humour didn't bring hom greater success, but I don't think he ever made a bad movie.

The Force on Thunder Mountain (1978)

Mad

[1/10 · 25 November 2020]

At the producers or myself for watching this? There is some nice wildlife footage, but it looks like it's archive. Why anyone thought it would work as a sco-fi movie is bewildering. We get a nothing movie. Scriptless. actorless, just nonsense. The dog is kind of cool, but seeing as you can't give zero stars it justifies the 1 star review.

The Crown (2016–2023)

Not As Good As You Might Think

[3/10 · 22 November 2020]

If you're looking for an insight into the English royal family, then don't watch this dire docu-drama or whatever it is they call this type of show. It's really bad, with terrible acting and scripting. Not terrible actors - Colman, Bonham-Carter and Anderson are usually excellent, but this is like some cruel parody. I can only assume the English media don't want to upset the royals in their glowing crititques of this show.. It is complete caricature and I remember watching an English satirical show called Spitting Image and this seems largely based on that, but minus the humour. If this is the kind of thing the English get off on, then I will pass. Gillian Anderson as Maggie Thatcher is shocking.

The Mummy (2017)

Why, Just Why?

[2/10 · 17 November 2020]

Somebody obviously thought it was a good idea to throw this amalgam of poorly scripted nonsense together. It's called the Mummy, but that is nom ore than a (poor) plot device. Zombie Knight Templars would have been just as appropriate, but unlikely to have improved it. I suppose it's not meant to be a serious movie, just a joly jape through England's green and pleasant lan, but this has very little going for it. Unoriginal, pointless set piece stunts and ill judged humour. A couple of Hollywood A listers on auto pilot. Cruise looks and acts dreadful. Crowe has rarely performed as badly. Sofia Boutella looks absolutely ravishing, but is reduced to snarling and saying little of any consequence. Not sure what the proudcers were aiming for here, whether a facsimilie of the 1999 movie either as a rip-off or a tribute, or just a series of cliched tableaus. Very few redeeming qualities.

Robert the Bruce (2019)

The Trouble with Scotland...

[3/10 · 2 August 2020]

... is that it's full of Scots! So goes one of the most memorable quotes from Braveheart. The trouble with this movie is the lack of them and the lack of locations that could pass as Scotland. The acting is no better than better than one of those Mega-Shark versus Crocasaurus type movies. The story is nonsensical. It relates little to the life of King Robert I or his struggles rather than attempt to maintain the spider myth. Angus MacFadyen's career peaked as the indecisive, uncertain version of Robert that was dominated by his father and this effort doesn't halt that decline. The acting in general is very poor, mostly due to bit part players from US daytime TV. Some of the cringeworthy script should have been put stright into the editing trash can. The "freedom" cliche is very strong in this movie.

As for Kevin McNally as old Sean, his wife will surely slap him with a wet fish after that febrile attempt at a Scottish accent.

The Vanishing (II) (2018)

Why The Low Rating

[8/10 · 26 May 2020]

This movie is far better than the IMDB rating suggests. Maybe there's not enough special effects or sex and violence to keep the average millennial film-goer happy. This a really gritty pot boiler that is apparently based on actual event in 1900, but the real events remain a mystery. An episode of Dr Who is the basis for the script for what is a simple tale of circumstance and the effects it has on the three protagonists. It's neither funny nor happy, but it's a compelling watch as the lighthouse keepers' lives are turned upside down. Thomas (Mullan) is the senior, a thoughtful old hand with a wealth of experience, James (Butler) the practically minded family man who wants to see out his duty and return to his family. Donald (Swindells) is a rookie, slightly high spirited and undisciplined. When unexpected visitors call at the lighthouse, it changes all their lives and not for the better and the three me face greater challenges than the elements on the exposed island. Its dark intensity is is all encompassing and the three leads are excellent including the much maligned Butler, but it's Mullan as the craft old seadog that steals the show.

The Foreigner (I) (2017)

Pierce Brosnan Shines

[8/10 · 24 May 2020]

This a predictable Brit-flick about Northern Irish terrorists basically ripping up the Belfast Agreement to return to their lives of causing mayhem in mainland Britain. Great performance from Brosnan giving his best Gerry Adams impersonation. Chan is his usual understated here - kind of Hong Kong Phooey without the Scatman Crothers treatment. And poor little Katie Leung, well up the cast list, but little screen time. Is it predictable, yes absolutely - who can beat Jackie Chan in a fight? Maybe Jet Li, but he's not on the payroll. Some good old beatdown on bad guys and you can help but cheer when Mr Quan unleashes his retribution. Maybe not in line for many awards, but it's a good watch and a lot better than some of the garbage lurking around streaming services.

Mad Men (2007–2015)

A great series

[8/10 · 28 April 2020]

Mad Men is a must see TV series. It has great scripting, interesting characters and some top notch acting. The leads are excellent especially Elizabeth Moss as Peggy Olsen whose evolution as both actor and character is tremendous. Peggy is one of the most realistic characters in any series as is Vincent Karthesier's Pete Campbell. There's someone like Pete in every office, annoyiing and entitled, but vital to the operation no matter how unlikeable he is. Pete is a great foil to the high flyers and uber-confidents leaders and is one of the reason the show works so. The way the 60s is portrayed is amazing and very accurate from what I'm told and certainly come across as very realistic. As for advertising, I don't really get it, but hopefully I've learned a little.

She Wanted to Be Burnt (2008)

Provocative and Disturbing

[8/10 · 2 April 2020]

A young woman's life appear to be spiralling out of control. Is she in a recurring nightmare or a living in a nighmarish reality. Very little dialogue, but strong and thought provoling images.

Departure (2019–2022)

Poor Script, Bad Acting

[3/10 · 16 March 2020]

I had high hopes for this with Archie Panjabi and Christopher Plummer in the lead roles, but it is pretty poor. Plummer seems to be opereating in low octane automatic as if he doesn't really care. The rest of the cast, Panjabi aside are dreadful. She at least brings some quality and class proceedings as all around are either incompetent or having a bad day. Low on technical accuracy and absolutely no idea of how certain characters are meant to act. Why Kendra's partner keeps asking her about dead husband in a supposedly cool English way is beyond belief. Tamara Duarte's Nadia has a lot of issues about a navy diver who she has Skyped for 5 minutes. It's bizarre, it's terrible, it really isn't worth watching.

6 Underground (2019)

Annoyin and not that great

[2/10 · 13 March 2020]

When you watch a movie where it sounds like Ryan Reynolds has taken Scottish accent training from Saoirse Ronan you know you're in for a pretty bad experience. This is one huge mess of a movie, overdone by cheesey and pointless smart guy comments - not just from Reynolds, but from most of his co-stars. One exception was Ben Hardy, who despite his cheeky chappy cockney personality comes across quite well. The others, not so much - Manuel Garcia-Rulfo's character is ridiculously annoying. Other than it's like an episode of A-Team on super amphetamines and not in a good way. Some sumptuous shots of Taranto harbor, but that doesn't really do enough to save this.

What/If (2019)

Regurgitated Pulp

[2/10 · 2 March 2020]

This is just awful. I'm surprised it's got a reasonable IMDB rating. It's beyond me that someone as talented as Zellwegger would get involved with this flimsy, over stylized nonsense. It is just cringwerthy and unwatchable at times. Pointless, badly scripted and low level acting. Another one for the Netflix dumpster.