steve_shubert Reviews

Evil Dead (2013)

NOT "the most terrifying movie you will ever watch"

[6/10 · 14 May 2023]

Mixed emotions about this one. The original The Evil Dead movie was so campy (by today's standards) that it came across more as a horror/comedy than a true horror movie. This one feels more like a "continuation" or "reawakening" than a reboot of the original and comes across much more ominous and evil. Granted, some of the lines (you'll know which ones if you watch this) were way too reminiscent of "The Exorcist" and I felt like they could have done at least a little bit more with the interaction between the characters. It was basically "Hey good to see everyone again..." and we're into the butchering. Little confusing because you weren't real sure about all these mixed feelings going on, and why...

Fast-forward into the "evil" part of this movie and it had some really great gore in it; normally I can sit here and enjoy a meal while watching pretty much anything but this one made me squirm a little bit at some points. Although there was plenty of violence, it didn't have the silly, campy "How many buckets of red Koolaid and ketchup can we throw at the camera?" feel that the original did. This one actually felt like a very violent, malevolent spirit was at work and was taking great delight in inflicting torment on its awakeners. With that said, however, the main point where Evil Dead basically lost me was in (1) the ending. I felt like it was (in this case, quite literally) "overkill". Up to the final few minutes, the story felt like it had been building to a momentous ending, and then it just all seemed to implode, for me. The final...maybe 20 minutes?...felt so completely rushed and there was just so much going on that it became very difficult for me to keep up with everything. (As a side note, and maybe it was just me, but man that basement scene with the flashlight was MAJOR annoying! Someone should have figured out how to angle that spotlight differently than pointing it directly into the camera. I had to look away from the screen several times because that light was so annoying.) And without giving up any spoilers, let me just say that it was the conclusion that ruined it for me. I just lost all connection because (1) it was so "busy" and difficult to keep up with all that was going on and (2) it just reached a point where, even with my brain detached, it became so "eye-rollable" that I lost interest in it. Here's a clue; I don't care how panicked you are, or how many demonic entities are trying to kill you, you can't rip your hand off at the wrist just by tugging real hard. Even if that were humanly possible, the sheer pain level alone would cause you to pass out...not pick up a chainsaw one-handed and fend off this thing that's coming for you. That's where the "disconnect" was complete for me. That was just too ridiculous. And even after that, it was still so confusing that I couldn't follow what little happened after that. I give this one a "6" simply because it was "scary" and not cheesy, but I couldn't give it a "7" because the closing moments just felt so rushed and crowded and detracted sorely from what, up to that point, had been what I thought was a pretty good movie. If you like creepy, demon-possession-type stories, or you're a fan of real violent scenes, you'll probably like this one. Not sorry I watched it, but probably wouldn't waste time watching it more than once.

Cannibals in the Streets (1980)

Watchable only for the nostalgic value

[3/10 · 15 October 2022]

Very generic, very dated, very unremarkable 1980's Italian-horror cannibal movie that centers around the very unoriginal concept of cannibalism being spread like a virus. I will say, however, that the throwback to the 80's was fun (although the wardrobes were kind of hard to take! LOL) and this was the first time I've ever seen a GM Motorhome converted into an ambulance. (00:59:17) That was pretty cool. It was amusing to see John Saxon here - even moreso after reading his comments in an interview, that he "felt sick after realizing what the film was really about" (according to Saxon, the translation from the original Italian script to the English version he was given was a very poor translation and he thought he was getting involved in a Vietnam war/psychological trauma-type story.) While I disagree that Saxon seemed to "phone it in" (let's face it: this is John Saxon we're talking about. Has he EVER shown any kind of emotion?) it goes without saying that even his wooden performance outshines anything by the rest of the cast. The slow southern drawl of several of the cast while seemingly in the middle of New York City (or some other large eastern metropolitan area) was actually VERY laughable. And Giovanni Lombardo Radice ("Charlie")...I actually laughed when I spotted him in the opening few moments here: after seeing his infamous "drill bit through the skull" scene as "Bob" in "The Gates of Hell" (released in the US as "City of the Living Dead") it would be nearly impossible to not recognize that vaccuous stare almost anywhere. The snazzy jazzy upbeat 80's disco soundtrack was another thing that made this film hard to take seriously. Apart from that, however, this is just another Italian gore film...very dated by today's standards but still a fun watch for those who enjoy a throwback to the Italian films of the 80's. Loved seeing all those vehicle body styles from back in the day!

Starry Eyes (2014)

So Much Potential, So Little Delivery

[5/10 · 19 September 2022]

Overall, a great big BIG disappointment. First off, NOTHING noteworthy happened until 1:05:00 (in a movie that's less than an hour and a half long, that should tell you something), and even then, it was just one very abbreviated scene of the "body horror" this was supposedly renowned for. IMO, the entire movie was completely forgettable. Sure, there were some pretty gruesome scenes - I'm not sure I've seen a "bloodier" movie except "The Evil Dead" (where 55-gallon drums of crimson paint were obviously turned upside down to decorate a set) but "bloody" doesn't always mean "good"...or even "scary". The kill scenes were (for a horror film) very unimaginative, with only one being truly graphic and somewhat inventive; otherwise, nothing special. There were a couple of scenes where I actually expected some truly stomach-churning moments, a la the 1986 remake of "The Fly" (one of my favorite Jeff Goldblum movies) but they fell far far FAR short of being anything really horrific. The acting by star Alex Essoe was decent...I would even say it was GOOD...but the rest of the cast, bleh. Even the "villain" (Louis Dezseran as "The Producer") came across as very amateurish and not really into this script. I don't know: maybe the script was just a wee bit intense for these folks to really dig in to. What I'd like to see is this fall in to the hands of a really good producer and director, get some folks with some true acting skills, and see what could be done with this story with some real talent behind it. Although I have to say, that ending was just truly lame and did NOTHING to tie this story off; it was as if they hit a dry hole for ideas and didn't know what else to do so, "Let's just do this and call it a wrap." Huge disappointment for a conclusion. I would say watch this one ONLY if you're very very bored and simultaneously have an appetite for a slow-paced film that produces a lot of blood in the final 20 minutes. Otherwise, give this one a pass. It's not awful, but it certainly isn't good.

Force of Execution (2013)

A Bren Foster movie starring Steven Seagal

[4/10 · 17 September 2022]

First off, don't be fooled: This isn't really a Steven Seagal movie; it's a Bren Foster movie where Steven Seagal gets top billing. Although Seagal plays a central character (crime kingpin) in the film, the story is much, MUCH more centered around Foster's character (Roman Hurst), a protegé of Seagal's character (Mr. Alexander) who - due to a double-cross - mistakenly terminates the wrong person and, according to some twisted "sense of honor" by Mr. Alexander - has to pay the price. The entire film is focused almost completely on Foster, with Steven Seagal and Ving Rhames shoring up the storyline with their own little backstory. But again, don't get fooled: The film opens with Seagal doing his Aikido thing and showing off some skills, but almost immediately after, it slows to a snail's pace and gets boring, VERY predictable, and (again) focused almost entirely on the Roman Hurst character. Danny Trejo makes an appearance, oddly as a greasy-spoon-chef-turned-tough-guy, but like the others, his character is used only to shore up the Roman Hurst character. While Seagal and Rhames are interesting additions to the movie, the acting (much like Seagal, very much UNLIKE Rhames) is lifeless and wooden. The gunfights are incredibly ludicrous: what kind of "I've done this for many many years" druglord goes into a war with a rival poorly armed with, what?...maybe two clips for his automatic weapon? Along with idiotic pieces like that, the entire scorpion/adrenaline/bone-breaking portion was ... well, I would say "laughable" but it was too utterly stupid to even be laughable. Although this isn't his worst, it's a far far FAR cry from the glory days of a strutting, sinewy, ponytail-sporting Italian "Nico Toscani" (Above the Law) or "Gino" (Out for Justice). Like so many of Seagal's later direct-to-video movies, this one had a TON of ingredients that could have been put together to make a VERY GOOD action flick; unfortunately, it seems (per usual) that those involved didn't know what to do with all these ingredients, so the whole was far far LESS than the sum of its parts. And again, this film - even though it sports Seagal's name across the top - is very much a Bren Foster movie. But hey, if Steven Seagal produces it, he gets to put his own name where he wants it, right?

Manhattan Baby (1982)

If you've seen "Zombie" or "City of the Living Dead"...

[1/10 · 31 August 2022]

Do yourself a favor and stop now. While you're this close to being anything that can remotely be considered "ahead" in whatever game this is. I honestly don't know if I can say enough bad about this movie. Don't be fooled by the fact that it's a Lucio Fulci movie; it actually is. But it's not a "zombie" movie, if you're looking for zombies. It's incredibly stupid, slow, dull, uninteresting, full of bratty kids (that you hope will get devoured by zombies the first 5 minutes into the movie), and just... I have no words. This may very well have ruined my fondness for Lucio Fulci films. The ground that Fulci stood on was (for me) already getting shakier with "The Beyond" (why everyone loves that is BEYOND my comprehension) and then recently "The House by The Cemetery". But those at least had some gore and gruesome parts in it. This...This was just completely ridiculous. There was nothing - NOT ONE THING - that was remotely "scary" or even creepy in this film; it was just STUPID. And the scene with the stuffed birds... I stopped myself from fast-forwarding through it but what an insult to the intelligence of his viewers. How completely stupid. Do NOT - I don't care if you're the hardest of the die-hard Lucio Fulci fans - DO NOT waste your time on this steaming tub of pig dung. This wasn't even "So Bad It's Good"; this was just plain AWFUL. I hate myself for wasting an hour and a half of my life sitting through this.

PS: You're **an hour and seventeen minutes** into a film that's only an hour and twenty-eight minutes long, before you finally see a rotting arm come crashing through a wall and you think, _"Yay! Finally...some good ol' rotting corpses!"_ but do not be misled: it's only an arm, and the scene is only a few seconds long. This was NOT a "good zombie film". This was not a "good" anything film. This movie SUCKED. Period.

The Beyond (1981)

Almost "So Bad It's Good" but it's not good

[2/10 · 31 August 2022]

I guess I have no one to blame but myself for sitting through this tripe more than once. Thanks to Trakt, though, I won't ever make that mistake again. I kept thinking "This seems familiar" but it wasn't until the dancing tarantulas came prancing out of the woodwork that I realized, "Oh cripes, I have sat through this one before..." As a huge fan (back in the day, mind you...it was back in the day!) of Lucio Fulci's The Gates of Hell I wanted to see this one when I found his name attached to it on a horror movie blog. The overall presentation was par for the course for those eye-popping, brain-squishing, shuffling, blind zombie flicks from the 70's and 80's: cheesy horrible music throughout, innumerable macro-lens close-ups of staring eyes, shuffling, moaning, gasping, groaning, tossing the head about in despair while remaining frozen in place (as opposed to the real-life scenario of screaming and running away). The plot had holes in it that were big enough to drive a truck through...and in all my born days, with my true-to-life arachnaphobia, I never realized that if you were lying on the ground paralyzed from a bad fall, that chirping, squealing tarantulas would slowly eat your lips off your face, burrow into your eyeballs, and chew out your tongue while you laid there unable to move or even make a sound. Overall, the eyeroll effect was a perfect ten; the gore was a ten; the stupidity of the characters was a ten; the sudden appearance (from somewhere, still not sure where?) of a whole new round of bullets for his empty revolver rated a ten; the inability to escape from zombies whose speed would make a sloth look like the Flash was most definitely a ten, and Dickie, the German Shepherd: definitely a TEN. (I loved the scene where it prominently showed - in slow motion - Dickie running out of the house, his balls just a-flapping; wouldn't catch a scene like that in today's animal scenes! LOL) So, I suppose if you add all the incredibly, unbelievably horrid parts of this movie together, it rates ... well, at least CLOSE TO a perfect "10" on the "AWFUL" meter. Now that I've sat through it (again) and made notes, hopefully, I'll never make that mistake again.

FINAL NOTE: If you're really, really...I mean like REALLY into gore movies, then by all means, you'll probably enjoy this one...as long as an actual story doesn't matter. Because there is no story...in fact, most of this doesn't make any sense, but at least it's gory.

The House by the Cemetery (1981)

Fun to watch...but only for the throwbacks to the 70s and 80s

[3/10 · 31 August 2022]

Absolute Fulci. The plethora of extreme eye close-ups gives it away...along with the plodding, slow-moving but always-seems-to-be-right-where-you-need-to-go zombies that catch you by the last remaining thread of whatever you're wearing at the moment, and with super-human strength (rather than rotting lifeless arms to match the rest of their corpse) drag you into a horrific eternity where your disemboweled figure will forever wander in agony. This had it (very limited!) share of gore and guts...mainly in the final 30 minutes where we're treated to the maggot treatment again (a la _City of the Dead_ ) but dear mercy, these were some... I honestly think the LIVE people were more brainless than the zombies. Had the zombies (zombie? I think there was actually only one in the entire movie) been after brains - as in some zombie flicks - these poor saps would have starved. These (living) people were idiots. I mean, I understand that Italian theater is melodramatic to the extreme but seriously...were Italians really that stupid, to believe some little kid would endure all that horror without going aboslutely stark raving lunatic? The entire movie - and I like most...okay, I like a lot...well, okay...I like SOME of Lucio Fulci's films but man this... wow. The storyline from start to finish was difficult to follow, and the ending - just as in _City of the Dead_ made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I still don't know what happened. Although this didn't have a super-high rating by other reviewers - including other Lucio Fulci fans - I watched it anyway because I'm on a "Zombie Movie" kick and was hoping that with Fulci's name on it, I would be pleasantly surprised. I wasn't. I'll stop short of saying _"Don't bother watching this..."_ because there are PLENTY of worse zombie movies out there but this definitely fell short of the mark of excellence I would have expected from one of the greats of Italian horror. In addition to everything else bad about this film, you had that horribly annoying screeching, nasal-whiney little kid "Bob"; I kept rooting for a zombie - or a snake, or a spider, or ANYTHING - to finally take him out of the picture, but alas...

On the plus side, it's always fun (for me; I'm old.) to watch these movies set back in the late '70s and early- to mid-80's. In addition to getting to reminesce about the great cars back then, it's fun to recall the styles (or lack! LOL) and see the city streets the way they were back then. _House by the Cemetery_ actually shows an old Woolworth store, complete with the Luncheonette sign. (Ah, the days of eating in the Woolworth and K-Mart dinettes!) I also spotted an old (talk about memories!) hand-held cassette tape recorder (I used to have one very similar, complete with the "wheel" volume control!) and the C-60 Low Noise cassette tapes... If nothing else, I gotta give this one props just for the memories it brought back. Apart from that, however, it blew chunks and was completely...you guessed it: **BRAINLESS**

City of the Living Dead (1980)

Watch this only for the gore and violence...not the story

[9/10 · 28 August 2022]

I remember seeing this years ago...back in the 80's when it was released by Paragon Video on VHS. I couldn't watch it enough times or say enough good about it back then, but after watching it again recently, it's almost laughable. As others have pointed out, the gore and gruesome violence are the ONLY watchable things about this film. The acting is so stiff and wooden as to be laughable; the trademark Fulci (maybe of Italian horror films in general?) extreme close-up shots of the eyes, the cheesy music, the synthesized sound effects throughout...this one had it all. The story itself was basically non-existent; if you read the movie synopsis, you'll kind of get an idea of what this is supposed to be about but otherwise, you'll be lost. It really makes absolutely zero sense, apart from the gory scenes. I have to say, the leering retard with the inflatable doll in the abandoned house...wow, that was great. LOL I don't know who the guy was but he played that part perfectly. I don't know how many times I could watch this before I actually just got tired of it (I recently re-watched another old Paragon Video favorite, "Zombie Holocaust", and it was so lame that it was all I could do to sit through the entire thing.) but it was still watchable after all this time. Again, you have to go into this realizing (1) how dated it is, (2) it's Italian horror at its best so OF COURSE they're going to super-dramatize every little scene, and (3) watch this as basically what it is by today's standards: A really cheesy zombie movie that almost becomes a comedy, it's so bad. If you really like the gruesome, gory stuff however, this has to be one of the best ever made. Just don't watch it for much of a story; there's not one.

Master Z: The Ip Man Legacy (2018)

Fans of martial arts movies, DON'T SKIP THIS ONE!

[9/10 · 20 June 2022]

As a standalone movie - yet still completely in the transition line as the "Ip Man" stories - I found this to be an exceptional movie. Max Zhang is VERY watchable in his role here (**NOTE** It's just a personal preference, but I highly recommend watching all these movies in their original Cantonese language, with English subtitles. The few minutes I tried watch the English overdubs, it was awful and completely took away from the story itself. You deserve to hear the actors' natural voices, inflections, etc.) and the story, although it has nothing to do with Ip Man, is a great martial-arts fighting movie. There were admittedly some scenes that were a bit over-the-top for my personal liking (thinking in particular of one scene where you could've mistaken Cheung Tin-Chi for The Amazing Spiderman LOL ) but overall, the fight scenes were well-done. This is not a Ip Man/Donnie Yen movie, so you have to approach this knowing that about it, but it only took a short while into it for me to be completely engrossed and by the end of it, I realized I had stumbled onto one of those rare gems that so often get skipped over because the poster art is heavily foreign, or it's a foreign-language film, or it's loaded with foreign actors' names that we don't recognize. For fans of martials arts movies, this one definitely deserves a look; I'm adding this one right along to the list of the other "Ip Man" movies I've watched more than once, because I'll definitely want to watch this one again. Highly recommended!

Fire Down Below (1997)

Cheesy, yes...but still very watchable

[7/10 · 10 June 2022]

This one was a bit out of the norm for Steven Seagal but was still a very watchable, enjoyable story. True, it was as cheesy as a bowl of white queso at your favorite Mexican restaurant, but I still thought it was a fun watch. Seagal looked so awkward wearing those slick Japanese-tailored clothes around small-town Kentucky that you had to wonder if it was intentionally done to make the story even goofier. The storyline itself was nothing superb and could have been told in a much shorter amount of time, but it was still interesting enough and well-acted that it kept my attention. Not sure if Marg Helgenberger actually put on weight for this movie, or if she dropped a lot of weight prior to her role as Katherine in the TV series "CSI" but it was great to see her acting the part of a "good ol' country girl", complete with a tiny hint of an accent. Cameo appearances by country music stars Marty Stuart, Randy Travis, and Travis Tritt all made it even more interesting, and even for a off-the-wall story like this one, they wound up inserting some decent fight scenes for Seagal. This was the second time I've watched this one (first one being years ago) and I actually found it more interesting this time around. It probably wouldn't be for "everyone", but for fans of Steven Seagal, if you can find this somewhere online or in a bargain bin somewhere, I would add it to your collection. Like me, you'll probably need to give it time in-between viewings, but I would definitely watch this one again.

The Collector (I) (2009)

Think "Saw" without a plot... ***MAY CONTAIN SPOILER***

[2/10 · 30 July 2014]

I watched the entire "Saw" franchise, and while the final five (of seven) films were pretty much useless, at least the first couple had a plot...a REASON for all the carnage. "The Collector" was - in a nutshell - "Saw" without a reason for the madness.

The lighting was terrible during the most important parts of the movie; the "traps" - which is what the movie was supposed to be centered on - were, for the most part, so poorly lit, and ill-timed that it was almost impossible to tell what was actually going on, and/or what was supposed to happen if/when the trap got sprung. But for me, what really ruined this was the loss of ANY storyline whatsoever. No reason was ever given for why. One scene described the TITLE of the movie, but again, there was never a reason given as to what drove the collector to do the things he does.

In a similar vein, I got the feeling through the entire film that the producers weren't exactly sure how far they should go with the gore. There are several scenes where I expected to be totally repulsed (and let's face it: that's why we watch these things, isn't it?) but was left surprised and almost disappointed that they stopped short of showing the actual carnage. Super-fast clips, blurred shots, rapid camera movement...and you're left to wonder, "Wait...what did I just see? Was that gross, or did I just imagine it?"

The ending was almost predictable, especially if you've watched ANY slasher/gore franchises, such as the "Friday the 13th" franchise or the above-mentioned "Saw" franchise.

While this movie had almost everything needed for a great horror flick, it lacked a real storyline, and it lacked any sort of real "fear factor"...no suspense whatsoever, just like in the "Friday the 13th" movies. You knew going in what was going to happen; the only guessing was WHEN. It's difficult, even, to really judge the acting - there was very little real acting simply because there was very little NEED for it, and I say that without malice. It's just that the movie was that shallow.

My understanding is that this movie was part of a series. (It certainly had that feeling.) I haven't seen any others, and probably won't waste my time. This was disappointing enough.

No Retreat, No Surrender (1985)

Somebody please bleach what's left of my brain...

[1/10 · 9 February 2014]

Oh dear god help us all... I actually watched this expecting it to be a genuine JCVD early flick; I prided myself on having found ALL of the JCVD stuff, including his early works, even though I don't consider myself to be a hardcore fan of his.

In fairness, I must admit that I couldn't finish this; I'm not even sure I got halfway through it. I was expecting "cheesy"—that's part of the reason I watched it to begin with—but what I *wasn't* expecting was "Karate Kid Meets Street Fighter".

I managed to watch quite a bit of it before I grabbed my phone and started searching for reviews on it. I finally managed to find one of the reviews on here that confirmed what I had already started suspecting: THIS IS NOT A JCVD MOVIE! I should have realized that when the opening credits started rolling, and his name came up at the tail end as "Introducing Jean Claude Van Damme as 'Ivan the Russian'". However, when he made his appearance early in the movie, I expected to see quite a bit more of the mafia scenes with his fighting; I was a sucker.

How the producers/promoters got away with pushing this as a JCVD film, I do not know. But the acting was so horribly bad, it wasn't even amusing, not even as a ... Well, I guess I should take that back; I did sit through "Flesh-Eating Mothers" while playing pinochle with some Army buddies years ago, and I guess the acting here was similar. If you ever watched the extremely over-exaggerated Kung Fu Theater movies on Saturday mornings, imagine that being done with an American film. That's what you wind up with here.

I'm tempted to go back and finish it just because so many have talked about the later fight scenes, but honestly... I got to the part where the "ghost of Bruce Lee" shows up and starts training the guy, and seriously...Whoever cast that guy as Bruce Lee must have been guilty of the stereotypical mentality, "They all look alike". Ai-yi-yi... Apart from the hairstyle and the gray gi, this guy was laughable. The constant smacks on the head during "training" were a complete ripoff of "Enter The Dragon", and were way overdone.

If you're looking for early stuff featuring JCVD, then yes, this does have JCVD in it. However, if you're looking for a real action flick featuring some kickass fight scenes, don't waste your time with this putrefaction. Do yourself a favor and find "Flesh- Eating Mothers" and watch that for a real laugh.

Spooky House (2001)

Great for kids, Groans for Grown-ups

[6 August 2004]

OK, my wife rented this off-the-shelf, thinking it would be a cute "family" movie, so we were forced to buy pizza and sit through it with our kids (9 & 5). In a nutshell, the kids loved it, although my 5 year old thought parts of it were a bit "scary", and didn't want to sit through it. For my wife and I, however, it was definitely a tremendous groaner...The biggest plus was the fact that it was SOOOO bad that we actually laughed at how bad it was! This was one of those "I'm too drunk to go to sleep...what's on TV?" B-movies from the old USA Network "Up All Night" series (if you remember those).

There were parts of it that actually reminded us of the old "Little Rascals" shows, where the kids---and their so-obviously-memorized scripts---were almost like puppets. The super-fast-motion scenes to speed things up were good for a chuckle.

Rent this for your kids to enjoy, but don't dare watch it yourself unless you want to bang your head afterwards for wasting this much time.