Carrie90210 Reviews

CBS Schoolbreak Special: Contract for Life: The S.A.D.D. Story (1984) Season 2, Episode 2

"That's the way it's done!"

[5/10 · 31 May 2007]

"That's it, Shaw! That's the way it's done!" You've got to hand it to Steven Macht, his performance of Bob Anastas as hockey coach-cum-teen mentor was right on the money... for 1984.

Not only is this formulaic and predictable, the "teen" actors have no genuine angst over their friends' tragic deaths, they approached the story as wooden 2-D characters. This is the biggest problem with live-action Walt Disney films to this day (outside of the children's' classics, Mary Poppins, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, etc.) they have no real concept on how to approach the post-adolescent audience, especially on what would be pegged today as controversial subjects such as UNDERAGE drinking and driving.

CFL does its best with its notable acting talent being Steven Macht and The Karate Kid's Billy Zabka, but it's real "ace" lie in what teenagers WANT to say to their parents and teachers about pressures in their world that ultimately would not be understood by an older generation. Macht's character (and I hope this is true to life concerning the REAL Coach Anastas) gets it right as he expresses his frustration over miscommunication between adults and their teen students and offspring and factoids in textbooks that have little merit at pseudo-parties like the hockey team was hosting.

While CFL desperately needs an update, I hope that there won't be a remake or a revival of the Afterschool Specials or Schoolbreak Specials. That would be redundant and a ratings failure. But if you happen to have the tape lying at the bottom of a junk drawer in your house, pop it in for the 80s nostalgia and hope that the party you let your kid go to there'll be a collection of livery service cards in the kitchen.

Python (2000 TV Movie)

'Tis the season to be eating people!

[3/10 · 11 October 2006]

'Tis the season to be eating people! OK, since this was done back in 2000 the season has passed. Let me ask you this, do studio execs get together in their big board rooms collecting around mile-long chippendale tables with $5,000 catering for a power meeting, roll down the overhead and click on the PowerPoint and say, "The hottest thing on the new season's schedule should be 'big, exaggerated things that eat people!'"? Since I don't work for the industry you could drop me a line and clarify this, until then look out for some great potshots and beware of the spoilers! I admit that I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do on this rainy day and moseyed over to Blockbuster to veg out on whatever that struck my fancy. My friends and I are purveyors of B-movies and bad movies and wear it like a badge, and since we sat through (and laughed at) "Anaconda" and "Lake Placid" (but Betty White's scene was actually pretty good), "Python" has been on my list for a while. First of all "Sixty feet of pure terror!" is a tad off the mark for the 129-foot sickeningly CGI reptile is a typo that I'm certain infuriates everyone around here. Were they that cheap or was the whole crap so under budgeted that Fox couldn't have looked up some outside graphics talent (Centro that did Steven Chow's "Kung Fu Hustle" comes to mind if they wanted to save some money) that the rendering was so unrefined and sloppy? And naturally our wonderful cast did as best as they could since some of these "cult figures" can't live up to the status. It no longer makes me wonder why Jenny McCarthy hasn't been doing anything since her NBC show flatlined. I know she has a kid and is divorced, but didn't her Playboy days finance her enough? She put out a book a couple of years back- didn't do so well, did it Jenny? So I'm glad she was killed off pretty quick. Wil Wheaton, don't bother trying to shed your Wesley Crusher skin, crap like this makes you look more desperate. Go back to Tech TV. And who could forget Marc McClure and Ed Lauter?! The 80s are gone my friends, you will always be Jimmy Olson and Coach Murray Chadwick ("Youngblood" if you don't remember). And it was a very Jimmy Olson move for McClure to actually let the snarling "beast" from its WOODEN PLANK cage loose- Golly Chief! And what the hell happened to you Billy Zabka? Did they make you get that crew cut? Least you weren't a whiny li'l bastard like in "The Equalizer". Stay off the juice (or was Jesus telling you to put on a few pounds to help you w/your career that has been defined by "Sweep the leg"?) but you're still cute pretty boy Johnny- NO MERCY!!! And that Texan from "Will and Grace" was right at home playing the doddering sheriff, so kudos to him! Casper Van Dien, start looking for another line of work. Your Southern drawl sucked (amongst other things) which brings me to my second nitpick: is this supposed to be Ruby, CA or Ruby, FL? The Californians sounded like Floridians (really badly): "Won't burn. Cain't shoot it." That is whenever they REMEMBERED their characters had accents.

And lastly, Dana Barron and Robert Englund. Why aren't you two retired? The surviving Dana of "The Three Danas" should think twice about scripts like these, then again it's slim pickins for someone her age. I suppose Robert probably had some debts to pay or took the role as our evil scientist out of sheer boredom. The whole chase scene through dark, pipe-lined tunnels was something I actually expected, I cannot see Zabka and Barron romantically involved, and how the hell does the chick in the shower (yet another original scene) survive the python attack and manage to find a towel at the same time? I think 3 out of 10 is way too merciful, then again I endured "Hyper Sonic" on the late Sunday night movie this summer (Zabka was in top form playing the sheisty executive, however looking healthier). Think I'll go get some Pringles make a pitcher of iced tea and watch the whole thing again. Have fun!

The Karate Kid (1984)

The Ka-Rocky Kid with NY Attitude!

[8/10 · 9 September 2006]

It's the Ka-Rocky Kid with NY attitude! I saw this for the first time at the grand old age of 26, having endured the charm of Part II time and again on syndicated TV for too many years, and the torture of the Parts III & IV abominations.

Only catching glimpses of the final All-Valley Under 18 Karate Champs between "Daniel LaRusso" (Ralph Macchio- The Outsiders' "Pony Boy") and the baddie Cobra Kai hottie "Johhny Lawrence" (Billy Zabka- slow-ass "Jack" from European Vacation) as a kid on pirated HBO sparked my imagination for far too many years. All I can say is this flick will make you get up and cheer (so I agree w/AFI- so what?!!!). Ralph Macchio plays Daniel LaRusso with so much L.I. spunk you kind of forgive that Robert Mark Kamen sets him up as a Newark native. But "Mr. Miyagi" (Pat Morita, bless his departed soul) is to quote Director John Avildsen, "the ultimate surrogate dad" ensuring that "Daniel-san" takes his special brand of Okinawan karate-do training to heart and keeps his temper at bay while bearing the brunt of the Cobra Kai's ruthlessness over Johnny's jealousy having lost his ex-girlfriend "Ali (with an 'i')" (Elisabeth Shue) to the underdog.

The editing could have been done better w/spots of continuity problems, one of the most glaring is in the karate tournament/music video montage to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best Around" where horrifically peroxided Cobra Kai cutie bad-ass "Dutch" (Chad McQueen- that's Steve's baby boy) loses a fight to Daniel w/o seeing how Daniel scored the second of his 2-point bout. It's a damn shame that save for Pat Morita (got the Oscar nod for his portrayal of Miyagi) and Elisabeth Shue no one's career took off as Ralph Macchio was forever typecast as Daniel-san for the rest of his professional life along w/the promising Cobra Kai bullies, Billy Zabka who got the Oscar nod for a short film and silent "Jimmy" (though I firmly believe Avildsen edited his lines out) Tony O'Dell is best remembered as "Alan" reprising his preppie role for "Head of The Class". Chad McQueen a retired racer and sometimes actor is on board as executive producer of a film his dad wrote 30 years ago before his death in 1980. Rob Garrison, "Tommy" ("Give 'im a body bag!") dropped off the radar completely in the early '90s and humble "Bobby Brown" played by Ron Thomas the ONLY black belt at the time (now Billy Zabka an HS wrestling champ now sports one of his own b/c of the film) is a self-help guru running his own wellness clinic and dojo in Northern CA. As for Martin Kove, who exquisitely played the Cobra Kai's sadistic sensei, 'Nam vet "Capt. John Kreese" continues to act in bit parts.

Call it 80s cheese if you like, but buy the special edition DVD and watch all the features, especially "The Way of The Karate Kid pts. I & II" where the writer, director and main cast members (Pat Morita is featured in the months before his death) share their feelings behind the scenes some 21 years later- Ralph is precocious as ever, Pat gets all the laughs, Martin is philosophical and Billy is hyper! As Easter eggs you get the Survior music vid to the film's ending theme, "The Moment of Truth" and a choreographed fight scene in Pat Johnson's gym to better understand how he worked his martial arts fight choreography and training for the film.

ABC Afterschool Specials: Cindy Eller: A Modern Fairy Tale (1985) Season 14, Episode 2

She rode away with the prince on a white horse!

[6/10 · 3 June 2005]

She rode away with the prince on a white horse! Only recently did I get to see the second part to the '85 ABC After School Special. God I was addicted to those back in the day, and it didn't fail to feed my childhood flights of high school fancy as I saw Kyra (then 20) sail down the steps to meet her over-the-top friendly faced stepmother in an empire waist white lace dress. The script cornball and predictable but she and Grant certainly stole the Show at the end! She and the late Pearl Bailey play off to one another so well, since the real star was the street smart Fairy Godmother/Bag Lady. "You know my late husband ate potato chips!" And Grant Show was an effective showpiece as Gregory Matthew Drewery Prince III, but he simply wasn't believable as he showered the demure but artistically gifted Cindy so much attention while out riding his horse, Royal (what a surprise), versus the half emaciated gruesome twosome Liza and Laura so gregariously fawning over him on the joggers' path in Central Park where a more horrific scene was played out not too long after the taping. There could have been more interaction between the prince and Cindy (perhaps at school) but since the ABC ASP series is coming to DVD I can't wait to hear the commentaries!

Mel Gibson: God's Lethal Weapon (2004 TV Movie)

Religion, a lethal weapon

[10 December 2004]

It is no secret that none of his films have done poorly outside of the US, and that Europe is pretty liberal (except for The Vatican). But this documentary was not only well-constructed and scarily true, but funny as well. Granted that this isn't Michael Moore quality the whole point of this special was to watch PoC with both eyes open. It's Mel's father that's a Holocaust denier, and Mel said he believes that his father doesn't lie to him. A very creative way of saying that he agrees with this statement. But he is an actor, and he has to be careful of what he has to say. Bill Maher is right, religion is a neurological disorder and obviously Mel has done one too many stunts that has resulted in brain trauma. Friends of Mel only come to his defense because they're afraid of him, you should be too. I mean look at Arnie he's the governor of California! What if Mel becomes an elected official? I watched PoC and agreed with the critics, it was self-serving over-dramatic crap that had linguists and biblical historians up in arms reviving a dead language (Aramaic) that we're not sure if it is the language that Christ (who along with his followers were Jewish) spoke more than 2,000 years ago.

Delta Force One: The Lost Patrol (1999)

All American Zeros

[20 July 2004]

All I can say is thank whatever God is out there that this wasn't produced/released after 9/11. Once again, Yoram Globus is back clawing his way back to his original fervid 1980's stature that made (Up)Chuck Norris what he is today by trying to cash in on the direct-to-DVD movie serial craze of the 21st Century! So what if cousin Menahem isn't on for the ride? So, like the action fan girl shmuck I am, I decided to skip Delta Force II since I think Billy Drago's crowning moment was in The Untouchables playing the sadistic cool cat Frank Nitti brandishing a nickel-plated pistol (by the by I saw it on Ebay for around $400), but those white suits Armani had him in made him look like the lovechild of Ed Gein and Cab Calloway. But it looks like once again, video covers are deceptive (great marketing strategies BTW) and you think well that Brit (took his cockney accent for Aussie) has some impressive biceps, Norris' son MIGHT have picked up a few pointers from dad, and Mitchum's grandkid looks like someone I could bring home to mom, and after 90-odd minutes you're left wondering why the f*ck I wasted my $3.50 on this when I could have had some Haagen-Dazs. Not even John Rys-Davies was able to woo me to say this bit of drek was mediocre! The characters were as developed as paper dolls (won't even get into the Greek actress playing the medic), the script was probably thought up after somebody finished reading Bravo Two Zero, and it makes you wonder if this is Globus' pathetic hackney attempt to bridge the gap between Arabs and Israelis and lure Hollywood to the hellish Mid East. Nearly ALL the Arabs were portrayed by Jewish people (my BF is Jewish so I know what I'm talking about). Also, you have think about these actors, I mean they must be destitute or something to take lead roles in movies like the DF and U.S. SEALs series. Or Bentley and Mike's acting attempts are that sincere w/o having to lean on their famous father and grandfather. As for our leading man, I know he's got a wife and 5 kids, but don't all California martial-arts champs open up their own dojo chains and get hired by the studios to choreograph stunt sequences? All I can say is the nuclear missile looked like the cardboard boxes it was built from, the pyrotechnics were borderline, the CGI was something a 12-year-old can put together on a PC, and the most expensive thing in the whole production had to be John Rys-Davies chess set. Also, I'm confused was this action or comedy? Because the post-battle bios made little sense to me.

Passion of Mind (2000)

Character Study of an Unfulfilled Woman

[3/10 · 24 March 2004]

Before I speak my piece, I would like to make a few things clear: 1)I am a chick who's not into chick flicks ("Kate&Leopold" and "Someone Like You" are EXTREME exceptions- Hugh Jackman's ass). 2)I only picked this one up because I am a Fichtner fangirl who looked forward to see him in a bathtub. 3)I am not a Demi fan, though I think her performances in "Immortal" and "A Few Good Men" were sublime and have earned places in my vid library- also I think she's a little crazy (no way is she NOT still sleeping w/Brucie).

If this is a character study of an unfulfilled woman living dual lives of independence and happiness, then I'd say we have one narcoleptic melodrama. Marty: Literary agent. Makes 6-figure salary. Lives in an upscale Manhattan penthouse. Easy for her to read several hundred manuscripts and fall asleep at her desk for some highly suggested nocturnal escapism. Or perhaps stepping through an interdiemsional portal? She has the career, the looks, a cool car, a great pad, now where are the man and kids? In steps our boy Aaron- some real escapism. What are architects? They're artists who can do math, dreamers that make real money. Aaron gives Marty the dream of security and fills a void where she, obviously has no self confidence.

On the other side of the coin, there's Marie, still living out her schoolgirl fantasies while she muddles through motherhood. Her children are her career and life. But what about Marie, does she only exist through her children? In waltzes William, a Parisian stranger who helps her focus on the one thing she has lost touch with: herself.

A supposed journey of self-discovery and late a coming of age thrown in some with angst and some resentment to Marty/Marie's own mother. This gets a 3/10. All I could say is thank God for the BPL multimedia division, I wouldn't waste my $2.99 at Blockbuster on this, put it toward a Harlequin Blaze title.