bustachong Reviews

Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006 Video)

Wow. I mean....wow.

[1/10 · 17 June 2007]

*** SPOILERS (I think) ***

So not since Vampire Assassin have I come across something so....Vampire Assassin-ish.

Much like the aforementioned movie, I came across it when different friends of mine attempted to discard a movie that they said they could not stand through the opening credits.

Intrigued, if not morbidly curious, I popped the movie in to be taken to depths of the human soul I was not cognizant to.

It was almost like watching something on YouTube, or one of those freak instances where people have a camera rolling and leave it on, whilst doing things in front of it. That in itself is probably the most accurate description I have on this movie.

Sure, I could talk about the chiq-on-chiq faux-action, the wolvez barking at passing cars, the scenes taking place in furniture-less model homes (and then trying to explain it), the monosyllabic vocabulary, an interesting scene involving a guy popping a squat and so forth and so on, but it'd never really prep anyone about anything about this movie.

BUT, because I enjoy movies like these to no end, I highly encourage those with a morbid and masochistic view on flicks to seek this out and indulge. It's beyond awesomely bad and it's just....there. Rarely do you ever walk away from a DVD questioning the meaning of your existence.

This one was really a toss up between a 1 and a 10. Both hold a special place in my heart.

Now I need to find Vampiyaz.

Vampire Assassin (2005 Video)

The greatest worstest movie...ever

[1/10 · 29 January 2006]

I've spent a year deployed in Iraq, and amongst the hundreds of movies I've seen here was this little gem called Vampire Assassin. Judging from the cover (African-American with corn-rows with a curved blade, leather coat and the demeanor of a badass), I expected a Blade rip-off. Fair enough.

So I pop it in and observed a borderlined overweight African-American with no blade, no cornrows and, well, nothing at all really except...I don't know. If you've read any of these other reviews, you get the gist of the flick. It sucks. Bad. Really bad.

I don't know if it was the Highlander-esquire lightning after killing an immortal vampire, or the karate-kick sound effects for camera zooms, or the twenty dollar budget on props, or the "ok, we have 90 minutes to film this before we're caught filming in a Johnson & Johnson parking lot," or the martial arts that is as exciting and fast-paced as two old people having sex, or the 7th grade acting talent, or the eccentric Asian Master who's either senial or on acid, or what, but the movie manages to force you to question your existence. And that's awesome.

Not many movies can be so bad that your head will explode like Scanners. If you heckle (or MST3K) with your friends, this is the flick for you. I've seen it three times already, and I think it might've caused permanent damage on my psyche. If you STILL don't have any clue as to the quality of the film, people were trying to give it away for free and no one would take it. Not even by force.

Long story short, watch it. Either as masochistic pleasure or punishment. It will rock your skull (and for the most part, for all the wrong reasons).

Bowling for Columbine (2002)

Moore Against the Machine

[3 January 2004]

Bowling for Columbine is arguably one of the best stand-alone documentaries I've seen in some time. Extremely well done and thorough, makes you open your eyes a bit, let you know what's going on in our own lil world over here in America.....stuff everyone should know. Factoids, mainly, presented in an informative, paced, and surprisingly not boring way. You'll come out of the film knowin' a bit more than you did before, and that's a good thing, not to mention the intention of such documentaries.

However.....

Michael Moore as a person bugs me on occasion in this film. There's a fine line between being powerful and being downright sappy and cheesy. He goes back and forth on this one and ultimately....well, you can guess how it is overall. Some parts, to me, was just rude. I totally understand why he says/does the things he says/does, but just because it's understood doesn't make it justified. Moore is fairly quick to point fingers and throw around statistics, but as we all know, there's two sides to every coin and statistics are VERY, VERY, VERY open to interpretation.

People seem to have this mindset that you can't appreciate a director's (or any artist's at that) work unless you TOTALLY dig them FULL ON. Well, no. Like I mentioned before, it is excellent as a documentary, but MM is not so jammin' as a person. Sort of like Puff Daddy: excellent businessman, but he's a goober.

If you're still debating about watching it, you're probably asking "is it overhyped?" I'd say no, not at all. But, if you asked if Michael Moore is overhyped, I'd say there's plenty of room to consider that possibility.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978 TV Movie)

It's like looking into the face of God.....and finding out his name is Lumpy

[1/10 · 3 January 2004]

Hmmmm.....I've seen this (surprisingly) a couple times. I'm not proud, but....I dunno, I'm sick in the head. I always recommend this to my Star Wars fan (me being a geek myself) and, well, I think I've lost basic motor skills. Well worth it though.

If you believe that Star Wars is God's gift to man, then you definitely need to watch this to get a grasp on reality. Drastic times call for drastic measures friend.

If you're ever curious as to what Chewie's 1970's homelife is like (I suppose that is a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away now), what other Wookies look like (not cute, btw) or how you make 50% of a TV Special out of unused footage, here you go.

However, if you're looking for a reason to live, I highly suggest you pass this one up. Boba Fett can't even save you there. So sad.

The Cat in the Hat (2003)

c'mon guys, it wasn't THAT bad

[5/10 · 27 November 2003]

so I just came back from ye ole movie theater watching this here flick and I gotta say I was expected A LOT worse judging from the reviews I've read. I enjoyed it and laughed out loud on more than one occasion. BUT, I see where the problems lie, and this is up for the viewer to decide.

If you're looking for a Seuss flick, this really, really isn't a good example. Sure it's very Seuss-esque visually, but aside from the very, very minor narrating, it's really not Seuss at all. The only similarity between the book and the movie is that there's a couple kids, mom's outta town, it's raining and somehow this huge cat is running around in a silly hat.

And this is where the flick is redeemed or condemned for life: all in all it's really a Mike Myers flick. You got plenty of innuendos, offbeat humor (note: infomercial scene), plenty of morbid jokes and the classic "Coffee Talk" accent. If you aren't a Myers fan to begin with, you should probably skip over this one.

I also enjoyed Dakota Fanning and Sean Hayes (esp. the latter) as supporting cast, although the Alec Baldwin thing might not really fit a kids movie setting. In all honesty, there's a couple moments that threw off the "kids movie" feeling, but I think by the end of the flick, that wasn't the issue. I laughed, I was visually entertained and I left feeling good that I didn't feel like I wasted my money. I think that's what counts. Worst comes to worst, at least rent it. Even the opening credits is neat. C'mon guys, at least give it SOME credit.