crooow Reviews

Supermen Dönüyor (1979)

The ORIGINAL Superman Returns! (that's what the title means)

[1/10 · 15 February 2005]

Anyone familiar with Turkish cinema(at least the ones that have made it over here) know that Turkish remakes of popular American films are made with an extremely low budget and are filled with footage and music stolen shamelessly from the source material. "Turkish Superman" is no exception.

The plot generally follows the greatly superior 1978 version, but with numerous corners cut that are just plain laughable. For instance, the film opens in outer space. It's clearly Christmas ornaments hanging from strings in front of a black screen covered in glitter. The most-used and funniest example is watching Superman fly. A doll is held in front of the camera while stock footage is used over and over again in the background.

As for the acting, I really can't fully comment, since I don't know Turkish. But the actor who plays Superman appears to be competent, and pulls off dual personas of Superman and Clark Kent. Superman in this film is quite mean. He is indirectly responsible for the deaths of three villains(for example, he throws a henchman into a wall, where he is impaled by an extended pipe).

The only disappointing aspect of this film that renders it a cut below its fellow Turkish remakes is a bland, generic super villain that bears no resemblance to Lex Luthor. Still, for the no-budget visuals and eye-popping incompetence, "Turkish Superman" is worth a look for Superman fans or fans of bad cinema.

Sod Sisters (1969)

Southern fried trash(spoilers)

[1/10 · 28 October 2004]

"Sod Sisters"(aka "Moonshine Love") is primarily a softcore film that starts with a robbery gone awry. One of the hoodlums(the one carrying the loot) escapes by jumping in the back of a truck owned by a backwoods moonshiner. En route to the moonshiner's place, the thief falls out and suffers amnesia after bumping his head. Before long, the thief makes his way to the moonshiner's place, where he lives with two nubile young women who are presumably his daughters. I hope this wasn't the case, since one of the girls has sex with the moonshiner. The thief stays on the property by doing odd repair jobs and soon falls in love with the other daughter. Eventually, his past comes back to haunt him, as the other criminals find him and demand the money. He never regains his memory, and the film ends with our two lovers walking off together while the other hoodlums and the moonshiner fight for the money in a river.

This film was little more than a softcore film with a halfway substantial plot. It stops to incorporate a striptease, the blonde daughter masturbating with a carrot, and a sex scene between the blonde and the amnesiac. It's interesting to notice that for a softcore film, the sex does not look completely faked. We also see numerous shots of the brunette daughter frolicking nude.

Something Weird rescued this skinflick from the mists of time and placed it on a DVD with two other hillbilly exploitation films, "Common Law Wife" and "Jennie, Wife/Child". If you own this collection and like seeing sex between unattractive people (not to mention stupid jokes), enjoy. Everyone else, avoid.

The Hard Road (1973)

It's not a pretty picture. (Spoilers)

[1/10 · 23 October 2004]

"The Hard Road" is a forgotten film about the horrors of drug use and sexual misconduct in the late 1960s. The protagonist is Pam, a 17-year old girl from the Los Angeles area who becomes pregnant and gives her baby up for adoption. Her life then spirals down into a mess of drug use, casual sex, prostitution, and ultimately death.

The movie was made with sincere intentions, but winds up as a exercise in incompetent film-making. The editing is among the worst I've ever seen in a theatrical movie. The film also has a tendency to trail off following minor characters and their battles with addiction. Third-rate acting and tinny music add up to a grade-A loser.

The film also stops dead in its tracks to incorporate a health film about the horrors of venereal disease. This includes photos of male and female genitalia(in addition to other body parts) ravaged by syphilis and gonorrhea. You have been warned.

Something Weird Video rescued this film from obscurity and released it on DVD as a 2-pack with another sex-ed scare film, "Damaged Goods". Both movies are overdone time capsules of a simpler time and worth a few laughs. And you just might learn something too.

The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)

A cult classic that is well worth watching.

[8/10 · 10 February 2003]

"The Man Who Fell to Earth" is a story about an alien (David Bowie) who has come to Earth on a desperate mission to save his family. Adopting the alias Thomas Jerome Newton, he intends to use the American economic system to amass a great deal of money. This money would then be used to build a spaceship. Unfortunately, Newton's mission of mercy does not go as planned. This film is a fine adaptation of the novel by Walter Tevis. David Bowie is excellent as Newton, and there also good performances by Buck Henry, Rip Torn, and Candy Clark. The film has some noticeable flaws (there is too much sexual content and the last third is not well handled) and the screenplay made several changes from Tevis's novel that only added confusion. However, this film is worth watching. This is one of the few science fiction films that addresses humanity's capacity for malice. I give this film an 8 out of 10.

The Pumaman (1980)

He's not Pumaman-he's Poo-ma Man!

[1/10 · 8 February 2003]

A warning to all who read this review-do not see this film unless you are watching "Mystery Science Theatre 3000". This is the worst superhero film of all time. From Pumaman's costume(which caused me to fall over laughing the first time I saw it) to the villain(a James Bond villain reject who can't pronounce Puma)to the fourth-rate special effects, this is moviemaking at its worst. Mike and the bots outdid themselves with their commentary on this abomination. And am I the only one who thought that Sydne Rome(billed as a "special guest star")was a former Playboy Playmate? Just wondering.