d-christianson-1 Reviews

Spring Breakers (2012)

Unfair Rating!

[3/10 · 2 December 2013]

People, please. Just because you are some Korine fan boy doesn't mean you have to heap praise on this turd. Suspend belief, suspend reality, suspend taste, and you'll love this stylized movie of paint drying. After the first 20-30 minutes of partying something finally happens, but does the pace pick up? NO! Dragging on and on with interlaced music, stylized scenery and beautiful women does not make a movie. Just bad, period. Boring as hell, no worthwhile message, unlikable characters all around and pointless. Just because The Sixth Sense was great, doesn't make the Last Airbender worth watching. Make something intriguing instead of just a 90 minute painting with sound.

Cloud Atlas (2012)

As in the words of Alfred E. Neuman - Blechhh!

[3/10 · 15 November 2013]

Movies are meant to entertain, on a multitude of levels: from the cerebral to the most base instincts. This mess failed on every level. The opening sequence of stories was nothing more than boring. I don't need to be blasted with 'how love echoes through the ages'. I get it - so make something to entertain, not blast me with "This is how you should feel - look at how wonderful love is". There was nothing in the first hour that was at all compelling - it simply seemed like people living their lives. Uhhg... I can't begin to describe the banality. Because the story jumps around soooo much, i felt zero connection to any character. If you are enthralled with it, kudos to you, but it's like a groom going to his future brides wedding dress shopping spree. They can appreciate the beauty - but 3 hours is too much.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Raspberry deserved.

[4/10 · 13 November 2013]

I hope Hayden is a good guy, and has lots of money, because his acting makes Steven Segals look like Jack Nicholsons. It's so sad this happened, so many interesting characters, great actors and wonderful FX ruined by horrible script, poor direction, and CGI overkill - this is a train wreck. I kept asking myself, "WTF is going on again? Oh yeah there's a clone army - completely misused, oh, and Anakin is going to save his mom (from having to endure his acting in the 3rd installment) by laying waste to Women and Children too" (oiy!) There are a few humorous moments, and the FX, while overused, are still incredible, but even the few 'cool' parts of PM are missing in AOTC. Thankfully JJ's screen time (I can't even type the tards name without retching) is minimal, sadly he was replaced by a more annoying character - Anakin Skywalker, grown up and lacking any characteristics of a Tenderfoot Jedi. If it truly is such a strict order, they would have booted him off about 10 minutes into the movie. I know, I'm just ranting and complaining, but if you think I'm off base - watch ANH, ESB, and ROTJ, then watch the new 3. You'll understand where I'm coming from.

Now You See Me (I) (2013)

Hyper Hollywood

[1/10 · 11 November 2013]

Part magic, part action, part plot twist, and 100% trash. This movie is a slap in the face to all movie goers. Ridiculous, sickening, arrogant, smug and zero substance. Scooby Doo's mysteries are far more engaging.

Plot holes abound. Average movie goers know you can't hypnotize people to be your slaves. How much money does the cop have to exact his revenge? And who didn't see Franco coming back? Et cetera ad nauseum. Good lord, I can suspend belief for Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Transformers and all sorts bad of horror flicks, but how dumb are we supposed to be? MacGruber was more engaging and believable.

A great premise and wonderful actors - completely ruined by poor script, smug characters, paper-thin plot and a romance sequence direct from the writers of Carly. Pure and simple BS.

This is the epitome of Hollywood shouting "Look at how great we are!!! You will love us!!". How many orbiting camera shots can one movie have? How far do we have to suspend belief? Here's a clue, if we don't care about the characters, all the cool 'movie shots' of the characters mean nothing.

I love every actor in this movie. I despised every character. As other reviewers have said: "This is a magic movie for kids who don't understand CGI can be used to create anything". Such a fun premise - such a sad waste of talent. I feel bad for all those who wasted money on prime ticket price for this crap. I wish I could pay you all back.

I watched it twice. As it was rated fairly high I thought perhaps I was missing something novel or just didn't 'get it' from the first viewing - nope, it is junk. The poster child for everything wrong with Hollywood. Please don't let this team make any more movies.

Your Highness (2011)

Not that guy.

[30 October 2013]

I hate those reviewers that say: "if you don't like this movie, you don't get it", but, I'm sad to say, I feel so strongly about this movie I will say it - if you don't find this movie funny, you don't get it, and you should STFU. Granted, I love stupid humor, I love Airplane, Kung Pow, Young Frankenstein, Hot Shots, Naked Gun, and even find humor in some Scary Movie scenes. But the humor in this is so deadpan, it deserves to be mentioned. James Franco and Danny McBride are fantastic together, and show the same chemistry like in Pineapple Express. But not only does this movie have humor, but the story and FX are on par with other great comedies. (Which is not saying much, but still gives the actors room for great jokes.) Every joke is played as serious. There's no big set up. Everything is a surprise which makes viewing all the more delightful. Seriously, if you can't find humor in the elegant insect scene, you've lost your funny bone. I get that not all humor is for everyone. I can't stand Adam Sandler movies as they are the lowest of low - and yes, I could write a better Sandler screen play by eating bean burritos, cabbage and crushing a 12 pack of PBR then filming the contents in my private quarters. I love this movie, it's funny, entertaining, crude (without the fart jokes of Sandler) and enough story to carry the movie to the end. 10 out of 10.

Pacific Rim (2013)

Why?

[7/10 · 18 October 2013]

I'm a horrible reviewer, writer and expresser of thoughts, but I love monster movies. So why on earth would you go to a giant robots vs. giant monsters movie expecting Hamlet? While the plot is razor thin the monsters and battles are beyond incredible! There is enough plot to move the story along, the characters are likable and, while there is certainly campiness, it does not take the movie to stupidity. (I'm thinking Transformers 2) I will watch a movie simply for atmosphere and FX. That being said, Battleship was completely awful. Del Toro does not take us to absurd, certainly suspension of belief is required, but not to a point of eye-rolling, more like a huge grin because of the enormity of the monsters, robots, and positive energy in this film. Walk into this ready to pick apart every minor detail, plot hole, or sub-standard acting and you will have a bad movie experience. Put your beliefs on hold, enjoy what Hollywood has created and watch some great Monster vs. Robot action and you'll have a great day!

Independence Day (1996)

Too many "c'mon!" moments.

[7/10 · 3 October 2013]

I really like this movie. It's straight forward good vs. bad, people vs. aliens and the special effects are fantastic, even nearly 20 years later. Great action, some truly funny moments, great space flights, does not bore you at all. HOWEVER, this movie has some HUGE shortcomings. Dialogue - uggh. Bill Pullman as President - yech. Too many stereotypes and caricatures - do the blacks and Jews really need to be the Hollywood cookie-cutter? Sickening. And of course, the biggest 'eye-roller' of them all - giving an alien spaceship a computer virus. Was this plot piece thought of the same folks fell for the Ugandi Prince email scam?? Anyone with half a brain knows you can't just "give" something a computer virus - they aren't air-born germs... Overall, check your brain at the door and this is a fun romp that moves at a good pace. Sci-fi purists will HATE this movie, but the average Joe and Josephine will enjoy it for its appeal.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Good gore, but falls into cliché.

[6/10 · 6 September 2013]

I can live with stupidity, and ridiculous decisions by the victims, but what I abhor is poor directing. And while TCM Beginning has a poor storyline, is just the same as the reboot, and does have stupid victims, it doesn't border on the whole "I've run out of ideas" direction... until the end. Which killed it for me. This flick offers enough entertainment in the gore arena, and has the whole 'biker' angle, but the ending was just soooo cliché as to ruin the whole experience. Sure, we expect most to die, but they could have had either a) a predictable or b) one of the captors gets away (since thats how TCM reboot starts) Instead they vie for the cheap "suddenly the lunatic chasing me is ahead of me" twist, which ruins 90% of slasher films for me. There's no way you're running, being chased, and suddenly the chaser is somehow ahead of you. Just cheap writing or directing. Up until the end, the movie was a passable slasher gore flick, the BS end ruined it!

The Ruins (2008)

Better than your standard gore-slasher.

[9/10 · 6 September 2013]

This is not an action packed movie constant gore, violence and blood. Rather its a journey into what creeps you out, having something sinister growing inside you. There's no psychotic killer, no giant evil monster, but an ever growing sense of unease and some well placed fx that is more unnerving than gory. Very little character development, but so what, the acting is good enough, and characters react realistically - but there is quite a bit of screaming, which grates on my nerves.

If you're looking for a bloodbath, or extreme gore, stay away as you'll probably find this boring. I liked the psychology of what The Ruins has to offer - a new solid twist on horror. The only reason I didn't give it a 10 was the very end - lame. But as a horror fan you may already come to expect it.

Keep clear of the poison ivy!

Slither (2006)

Absolutely the best!

[10/10 · 5 March 2013]

Expertly written and directed! This movie succeeds on every level as an homage to horror classics. Full of camp, comedy, gore, and even tense and creepy situations, fans of the genre will truly be entertained.

Obviously a movie called "Slither" will not have universal appeal. If you're expecting Avatar, Schindlers List, or Titanic, please skip this. But if you like 8 Legged Freaks, The Hills Have Eyes (remake), The Descent and other campy, creepy horror movies, you won't be disappointed. Full of sick, gross humor, trigger-happy red necks, well done special effects, and a plot that at least carries the movie - I've seen it at least 10 times and never ceased to be entertained! Loads of fun!

Thinner (1996)

Not bad, but not great.

[6/10 · 5 March 2013]

There are a handful of King movie adaptations that are better than his books, and while this is not one of them, it stands on its own as entertaining with no cringe-worthy scenes and plot holes you can forgive. Having read the book over 20 years ago, and just now seeing the movie free on Cinemax, I have difficulty comparing the two, but I did enjoy the ending to this movie. There's no gore, but a sense of foreboding throughout. A good time killer matinée. I went in expecting something to at least hold my attention, and I was not disappointed. The only thing that's is truly retina-killing is the fakey fat suit. Give it a rest already.

Dolemite (1975)

Mostly typical fare, with a little something extra.

[17 October 2012]

I'm not a genre expert, and enjoy blaxploitation films for their campiness, outrageous characters and jargon that has been lost in time. The enjoyable part of Dolomite is his rapping to the crowds and their reactions. I betting this is where urban rap contests started, but I could very well be wrong. The silly, over-the-top situations that litter the genre are all there, but there's really nothing else notable for story line, acting, script, etc. In fact, if you like that sort of thing, that's where Dolomite shines. Presumably made on a shoestring budget with few cameras, little editing, and technical gaffes everywhere, this seems as low budget as the genre gets. The acting is sub high-school play, the choreography is laughable - literally, and story is paper thin. I realize this is standard for the genre, but this dips into humorously bad so much any seriousness is lost. I liked it for that, and it's quirkiness, but compared to other blaxploitation entries, it is sub-par.

30 Days of Night (2007)

Good ol' vampires

[10/10 · 11 October 2012]

I rated this excellent because it represents vampires the way I like them; unrelenting and evil. These are not your Twilight (yech) vampires, these are brutal killers who lust for blood and care not for any killing. The plot is not deep, but I don't want to "get to know the vampires" when I watch them in movies. I like good versus evil. There is enough strange goings on in the plot to make you wonder "what's going to happen next". The star characters are also not deep, but they are relivable enough to grow a certain 'home town' affection. Just normal folks living their lives in a little out-of-the-way (okay, way out of the way) town where they do their thing. Then along comes terror in the worst possible way. It is spooky, creepy, and probably one of the most bloody movies, vampire or not, I've ever seen. There's plenty of blood, nasty flesh-tearing, and some of the most gruesome deaths this side of 'Wrong Way II' (remember the meat grinder??) The vampires are very creepy and evil looking. The movie-makers adjusted them just enough to give them a new, more violent and fearsome look. I loved it. There's no light-hearted jokes, or subtle humor, it's straight up gore and terror, which gives it a more realistic feel.

Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010)

Waste of time.

[2/10 · 24 September 2012]

I enjoy many horror movies however, the zombie genre is far beyond overused. I applaud the efforts to bring a different twist however it ultimately fails because it is so uneven, and the characters do not react as someone in a survival situation. This is not 'blast'em and run' this is 'These zombies used to be our loved ones, don't hurt them', which is OK, however I doubt you'd embrace someone attempting to bite you or tear you limb from limb regardless of who they are. The zombie reactions are inconsistent, sometimes swarming to loud noises, sometimes to the slightest tap but not always, so which is it? The main protagonist is extremely wimpy and just plain weird and definitely not funny. I couldn't find any humor in this very short movie, but perhaps it was lost in translation. Recommend only to those attempting to see every zombie ever made, regardless of entertainment value.

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Not what I expected.

[8/10 · 3 July 2012]

Meaning I new what was going to happen. I don't agree with all the reviewers here that there were many twists and turns as it played out just as I thought it would.

Perhaps I wasn't in the mood for an old-school horror flick with a new twist but I was hoping to be blown away and I was simply entertained. I really did like this movie, but the trailers gave away the most significant twist. Why did they spoil the best parts of the movie?

That and it was a cross between a true horror movie and some campy comedy - which I do enjoy, but was hoping for straight up terror.

Anyway, I'm certain I'll watch it again because it was good and I love a good horror movie, I just probably had too high expectations. If you like horror, go see it. You won't be disappointed.

The Avengers (2012)

Good, but not that good.

[7/10 · 14 May 2012]

I have to say I was skeptical from the start. Combining superheroes in one movie never works. Typically they result in cornball cliché's, bad acting, and plot holes you can drive a truck through. I'm pleased that Avengers has solid humor, acting was only a little uneven and there were but a few "what...??" moments. (e.g. we have a futuristic ship, but no one notices the arrow-bomb, or bad guys on board? Since when can the hulk be tamed?)

But like other reviewers have said, the bar wasn't raised. There's nothing new in this movie. I felt mostly detached from all the characters, I felt nothing when whats-his-face died. He had so little screen time, there was no emotional connection. I think I felt most connected to Banner, there was at least some character development, and a reluctance to do what he was asked.

Like all super hero movies, there's big fights, indestructible warriors, evil villains and lots of things going boom. Besides combining all these superheroes in a decent movie nothing really stood out as 'exceptional'. My biggest complaint is they all seem indestructible. When Thor is hurling towards the ground, was anyone worried he wouldn't get out, or if he did crash that he wouldn't survive? No. The entire movie is that way. There is no true suspense, no truly tense moments. You know how it will end before the movie starts.

On the contrary, Batman develops a solid story and while Batman is set in a fictitious realm, it seems more believable. I did like The Avengers, and look forward to seeing it again, but I don't feel it is deserving of such a high ranking on IMDb. I have higher hopes for The Dark Night Rises and Prometheus.

MacGruber (2010)

Hidden Gem

[10/10 · 14 April 2012]

Not for everyone, but those who like silly humor and some good laughs will not be disappointed. You don't have to be a fan of MacGruber from SNL or MacGyver to enjoy the sometimes crude, always goofy, and excellent one- liners from this parody. MacGruber does not take itself seriously and the setups and situations themselves are funny without any dialogue. Val Kilmer as the bad guy works great, and Ryan P plays the straight man perfectly. Kristin Wigg with her animated looks and pretty face add a soft touch and a hearty laugh at just the right moment. There's also little touches that stand out like the random encounter of a heckler, and the tag-a-long car stereo! You can tell I like this movie and I've seen it many times. I like lots of what you may call goofy/slapstick/crude humor, and MacGruber delivers in spades.

The Hunger Games (2012)

Thanks for the seizure

[6/10 · 28 March 2012]

I like a lot of movies. I am in no way a movie snob. Not to say I love everything, but I'll try to find something good in most movies. I really struggled with Hunger Games. Like other reviewers have said, (and they are 100% on the mark) the camera work, the scene changes every .17 seconds, the shakiness, and the constant extreme closeups were beyond annoying and solidly detracted from the movie. I don't think the camera stayed fixed for over 2 seconds in the entire movie. This fact alone made the experience extremely unnerving and is a sure sign of a poorly made movie that is trying to compensate for a complete lack of substance. Which is really too bad because the premise at least sounded somewhat interesting, albeit slightly overused, and the books have sold like hotcakes so there must be some appeal to them. Towards the end the jittery/strobe-camera overpowered the value of the movie and I left when the parents started rioting. I believe this was the first time I've ever walked out of a movie, which was frustrating because I wanted to like it. Twilight and this turkey are aimed solidly at teens which is sad because it had the chance to be good, but is definitely not. Update 1-14-2015. After a second viewing I came to accept the camera shakiness. I stand by my review, but could have been a little more forgiving. 6 of 10 stars.

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Far too self-indulgent

[6/10 · 23 March 2012]

Tarantino movies hit the world by storm. Watch them again and you'll start to ask "why?". His pan-around-the-table scenes where everyone is making a case for some silly argument, (whether it be foot rubbing or Madonna's 'Like a Virgin') that is supposed to have rich, deeper meaning, is just boring, dry and plain dumb. At least in Pulp Fiction this was somewhat related to the story, in RD, it's nothing but filler. I found it less than humorous. Over-the-top violence and black humor are now so common, seeing this in any movie seems like a cheap trick. RD with the famous Mr. Blonde dance is just screaming "look at me and how sick I am" and has the subtlety of a sledge-hammer. The plot falls apart near the end as you think to yourself "this is completely out of character". And if you've seen any Tarantino movie, you know how this one ends. If you like his work, more power to you. His style had an impact 15 years ago, and Pulp Fiction was enough. It's time to stop relying on hard violence, over-indulgence, and brainless dialog.