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ngobleus
Mostly I visit this site to kick around on the message boards for films I've seen recently. The only reviews I've done (so far) are for films I've viewed via watching MST3K, my favorite TV show.
Reviews
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
"I wish those hands would just push him over..."
Well, what can I say other than that this was a bad movie made for the wrong reasons.
A summary of the plot is enough to tell you it's bad: An urban family gets lost on the way to a lodge that apparently can't be found, and ends up spending the night at a hovel run by some goatboy named Torgo, who 'takes care of the place while the Master is away...' The place houses an 'evil cult' worshipping some long-faced deity called Manos. Mayhem ensues.
That's all I'm gonna say about the plot. Now on to the acting--wait, what acting? Well, one thing you should know (in the event that you haven't seen this yet--either in MST3K or ordinary form) is that the film was made on a bet between its director (and main star), who was a fertilizer salesman, and a bad movie director by the name of Silliphant (yeah, I agree, his name sounds like an STD) who said the cow patty king couldn't make a film. Despite the fact that the film reeks like rotting durians, the fertilizer guy won the bet.
For those of you who haven't seen it, I'll say this as well: -If you like bad B-movies, watch it.
-If you can't stand B-movies, watch the MST3K version.
-If you can't stand MST3K, don't watch it period.
Thank you.
Five the Hard Way (1969)
"Got a cigarette?" "Got a dopey hat?"
Wow...I saw this in its MST3K form, so I missed out on the rape/murder scene. The film is terrible, even with that part cut out.
Let's see...it's about love....no, it's about feeling good...what is it about? I don't know myself. But the plot is that Rommel (the Desert Fox) is an upcoming participant of an upcoming sport called sidehacking (racing with a hastily-built and -welded sidecar).
One day in his feel-good life (a great job, a loving fiancée, who could ask for anything more?), a beatnik jerkoff named J.C. (stands for Jerked Chicken?) comes into town and after seeing Rommel race, decides he wants the magnificent bastard in his stunt group. Rommel doesn't wanna, and then sees J.C.'s other side--one of instability and womanizing. J.C.'s slutty, Nancy Sinatra-like girlfriend Paisley tries to get Rommy to take her away from the psycho, but he smartly says no. She gets upset and tries to make it look like he raped her. So, J.C. goes nuts again and kills and rapes Rommel's fiancée and beats him up.
After a long, boring recollection of the dead fiancée, Rommel decides to go get revenge. Unable to get the help of his co-worker, he hires the following (apparently the best he could do)--Nero, some former J.C. gang member who trusts nobody, Gooch (or is it Cooch?), another former J.C. compadre who is really a spy, Big Jake (a big lug who agrees to working after receiving a weak punch to his impenetrable abs), and Crapout--a stereotypical hick who makes terrible jokes ("Nuuuuumber 8!") and comes up with stupid ideas--like a large battering ram.
Anyway, Gooch arranges a meet between J.C.'s and Rommel's gang and after a brief interrogation of the spy, Rommel uses his great thinking and decides to go in anyway--with no guns! So, the battle ensues. Big Jake manages some henchmanlike kills then gets hit with a tomato gun. Cooch fails to bring Rommel in on his knees and J.C. kills him. Then Nero and Crapout ride around on a sidehack vehicle and (despite Rommel's orders) Crapout pulls out a revolver and manages to shoot all of J.C.'s goons.
Then, it's just between J.C. and Rommel...the fight rages on boringly and at the end, J.C. kills Rommel as the police arrive.
Wow...exciting? No? I didn't think so either...definitely MST3K-worthy.
Update--I have seen another edition of this film. The rape scene (more like flashbacks) is a bit brutal. Some of the other stuff removed from the MST3K episode was probably cut for time (like how Crapout gets involved in this--apparently he's an old friend of Rommel's and sometime jailbird). Another thing to note is MST3K's censors worked wonders in removing the 'n' word from one scene where J.C. blows up on Nero.
The Clonus Horror (1979)
Ugh....lesson learned for the day, never examine beer cans too closely.
I'll say this first...the film would've been a 70s sci-fi classic if it had been executed a lot better.
That said, let's examine the plot...it starts with Peter Graves (or is that Clarence Oveur?) running for President, then cuts to a goofy college campus-like environ full of authoritarians in goofy trucker caps and headsets and retarded athletes who all act like they're perpetually age 8. It then shows one guy apparently going to America, having a party, then taken to a medical lab where he is drugged, wrapped in a plastic bag and then prepared as if the doctors were bagging vegetables for steamers packs...okay, actually he's being put on ice so the doctors can extract the organs they need.
It then cuts to another dopey man thinking the place he's living in is a bit strange after a beer can (of all plot devices possible) he finds in a river makes him look suspicious (damn those beer cans!). He and some equally stupid love interest of his feel they need to get to the bottom of it all, so he makes her stay behind as he escapes through what is basically a large college administration building with some evidence he discovers on the way about cloning...and how he's a part of it.
He escapes his controllers after being shot some and an old reporter guy helps him find his 'father'--the man he was cloned from. It just so happens he's a clone of the brother of Peter Graves. After debate about what to do with him and his evidence, he goes back to the facility to find his girlfriend (who has been lobotomized in the meantime to be even more stupid, harmless, and ready to host a talk show according to the SOL crew). He is captured and put into cold storage just like his Nazi-build retard friend from the beginning of the film.
Meanwhile, a confrontation at Graves' brothers house results in several deaths, including Graves'. The reporter guy and his wife are killed in the middle of an exciting conversation by a bomb. It seems the conspirators have won to some extent...
Then, Peter Graves turns out to be able to survive being run through with a metal poker by the miracle of cloned parts, and giving another 'vote for me' speech just as reporters confront him about the cloning thing.
Definitely MST3K fodder, but on the low end of the spectrum as far as overall badness goes.