Shizuka2008 Reviews

Investigation 13 (2019)

Worst plagiarized movie ever

[1/10 · 10 September 2019]

Some kids decide to stay overnight in some creepy old mental asylum and then...

"Wait", you say, "haven't I seen this a thousand times before?"

Yes, you have - but never as bad as this.

The only horror about this stinker is the total lack of any originality or creativity or talent you are going to witness.

In that way it works - the lack of any basic filmmaking skills is really horrific and will scare you for weeks to come.

Carnival Row (2019–2023)

What a snoozefest.......

[1/10 · 31 August 2019]

What a snoozefest.... The lame and boring story would only have been good for a 90 minutes movie but they did drag it out over eight (yaaaaawn) episodes because for subscription streaming TV it's: the longer the better, because it keeps customers renewing their subscription. But in this case it's just long and boooring as hell. You can literally just watch the first half of the first episode and the second half of the last episode and miss absolutely nothing interesting inbetween. But even if you do that you get bored like nothing you ever seen before. Subscription streaming TV really kills any creativity and originality these days.

The Boys (2019– )

Read the comic - don't waste your time with that boring snoozefest.

[1/10 · 27 July 2019]

The comic book "The Boys" is dark, twisted, funny and a hell of an entertaining ride with a great story and crazy good characters. Everything this lousy TV series is not. All they had to do was take the story of the comic and put it onto the TV screen and you would have ended up with an epic TV show. Think of Breaking Bad meets the first seasons of Game of Thrones meets The Sopranos. But for some reason they decided to completely rewrite the story, hire completely wrong actors and turn it into an epic fail of a boring snoozefest. Instead of a wild, weird storyline like in the comic book we see miscast actors spending their time in some bowling alley talking about nonsense, or they are sitting around in some cellar doing nothing, they are discussing really boring stuff in some corporate office, they visit some festivites , or (my highlight) they are giving endless boring speeches. Again and again. There are only a few good scenes in all of the eight episodes when - you guessed it - they stuck to the comic book. But that only makes about 20 minutes or so. The rest of the eight hours of showtime is an absolute boring disaster, a creative catastrophe brought to you by talentless showrunners who brought you such snoozefests like "Supernatural" or any lame Seth Rogen "comedy". "The Boys" as comic is one of the best comics ever. "The Boys" as TV series is THE WORST TV SHOW EVER. Read the comic book.

Altered Carbon (2018–2020)

Boooooring

[1/10 · 5 February 2018]

Would have made a decent movie or a mini-series but they dragged it out over 10 extremely long and boring episodes. I've never fast- forwarded so much as with this series. You can easily just watch the first and the last episode, get the whole plot, and not miss a thing. It looks like the production company just produced 10 episodes to charge Netflix more. They also copied and plagiarized whole scenes, camera shots, and the set design from more movies and video games than I could count. Except for Lieutenant Ortega, the actors really suck and sleep-walk through this mess without any emotions. Don't waste your time on that one.

The After (2014 TV Movie)

So awful it hurts

[1/10 · 8 February 2014]

Some strangers are stranded in a parking garage while outside some kind of end of the world disaster thingy is going on.

So far so...haven't I seen that a thousand times before only better?

Of course they band together instantly (of course duh) and once they get out of the garage in a stolen emergency truck they discover that the "disaster" seems to be that thousands of people have been wandering aimlessly around in some downtown area FOR A WHOLE DAY.

No, they are not zombies, they are just stupid and seem to think that this is a good idea once some catastrophe strikes.

Don't seek shelter or run away - no Sir, gather in a huge crowd downtown and stay there.

Oh boy.

But it gets better (or worse): our band of heroes somehow manages to drive through thousands and thousands of panicky people from downtown and just manages to get to the big mansion of one of them out of town in now time.

What about the huge pile of cars you saw earlier you might think, doesn't that somehow block their way and, oh, what about all those thousands of panicky people and this end of the world thingy with helicopters crashing on the street (in some cheap CGI crap effect)? Well let me tell you if you thought until that moment that show was really crap, watch what happens next.

Avoid this show at all cost if you don't want to suffer serious brain damage.

If there was ever an Epic Fail of a TV show... look no further you found it.

The After also means The Anus - and that's really what this crap is.

Bosch: Chapter One: 'Tis the Season (2014) Season 1, Episode 1

Good show - bad lead actor

[6/10 · 8 February 2014]

The show is really good and I am a long time fan of Harry Bosch novels.

But please, guys, give us another actor to play Harry Bosch.

Titus (Who?) Wellilever or whatever his name clearly isn't up for the job.

Ruins the whole show.

Couldn't they have cast somebody else who at least looks and acts a little bit like the Harry Bosch from the novels?

It was really hard to enjoy the show because I always thought "Oh boy, that Titus fellow really doesn't belong there as Harry."

Worst miscast in TV history.

Imagine Tony Soprano being played by Robin Williams or Don Corleone by Jay Leno.

Collision (2013)

As entertaining as camel dung

[1/10 · 25 November 2013]

All the phony reviews won't help - this garbage isn't even as entertaining as watching a heap of camel dung blistering under a hot desert sun.

A lady wants to kill her hubby and for some reason thinks it is a good idea to do so on a sahara vacation.

But of course her best laid plans to simply shoot her hubby go terrible wrong and that's when she probably thought "Hey being in the sahara and all why don't I earn some cash with some product placement and show my great SUV from all angles"

That's when she must have stumbled upon a camp of bedouins she hired on the spot as a film crew

"Guys it doesn't matter that you don't have any idea how to shoot a good movie and that you have no talent what so ever - just keep my SUV inside the frame."

And that is what this "movie" is really all about - some zero-talent guys and gals making a whole lot of camel dung in the desert.

Skip this and trust the negative ratings - they are well deserved.

Bela Kiss: Prologue (2013)

It doesn't get any worse than this

[1/10 · 24 November 2013]

For some reason five really, really clever bank robbers who look like models decide to hide away from the police in a hotel.

First price for the dumbest bank robbers (or the dumbest movie script) goes to...

Perhaps they should have rather stuck to modelling - robbing banks and hiding from the police surely is too much of a mental effort for them.

Well I could go on that there is a serial killer in this hotel who has lived there for 30 years or so and all those acting school rejects get killed...

But hey you say, haven't I seen that a gzillion times before? Yes you have - but mostly even these were movies made by people with a gzillion times more talent than anyone involved in this epic fail.

With the decreased cost of digitally producing a movie every zero-talent wanna-bee puts out a stupid horror movie these days.

And no, the reason these movies suck isn't lack of money - it's the total lack of any kind of imagination, story telling skills or the even the slightest amount of talent.

Shadow on the Mesa (2013 TV Movie)

A dream for hairdressers

[1/10 · 24 November 2013]

Some has been actors and some you hope you'll never see again run around in some kind of western with no story or entertainment value what so ever - if you like to watch good movies.

But it is a dream come true if you are a hair dresser.

For some reason in this western people have always the best styled hair and make up.

Even after having been in the wild outdoors or after a shoot out.

I guess the makers of this crap think that people from that time period only left the house perfectly styled and groomed.

It's like watching project runaway - the western edition.

Every minute I expected that crazy Heidi Klum to show up saying "Love your style honey when you get on that horse"

Well, what would you expect from Hallmark - the zero talent movie factory?

Skip this disaster and save your brain.

House of Good and Evil (2013)

The Curse of cheap digital cameras

[1/10 · 24 November 2013]

Another crappy "movie" thanks to The Curse of cheap digital cameras.

For some reason a couple thinks it is a good idea to move to a creepy house in the middle of nowhere to save their marriage. (Good idea - if you are as brain dead as the makers of this disaster of a movie)

Of course the husband has to leave his wife alone there (oh boy - who comes up with garbage like this?) and really horrible things happen.

The most horrible thing of course is that this crappy "movie" goes on.

Everything in it is predictable and you have seen it thousand times before - only better.

Since digital cameras have decreased production costs people with no talent, imagination or any skills try to make movies - but fail miserably.

Posting phony reviews on IMDb doesn't help either.

I hope all involved in this epic fail have a real job to fall back on because that filmmaking gig does clearly not work out for them and never will.

Don't waste your time with this garbage brought to you courtesy of The Curse of cheap digital cameras.

Serangoon Road (2013)

Good show

[8/10 · 9 November 2013]

I really like this show.

Good actors, setting and good stories.

It mainly takes place in a district in Singapore in the 60s where crime poverty and gangs are rampant and people struggle to get by day by day.

I like the slow pace of the show which doesn't make it less engaging and suspenseful.

If you like good drama a new setting and diving into a fascinating world you didn't know before give this show a try.

It stand apart very positively from all the soulless vampire, sci-fi and fantasy shows which swamp TV land nowadays where some miscast teen models run around CGI environments in search of a decent and interesting story.

Dragonwolf (2013)

Who let the dorks out?

[1/10 · 5 November 2013]

Our two heroes belong to an "Institution existing many generations" (oh boy) as the "filmmakers" put it.

Apparently some other guys from another "institution" for some reason don't really like our heroes.

But instead of just shooting and being done with them they decide to fight them in endless lame martial arts battles in always the same abandoned, derelict buildings.

There is really not much else going on.

I guess the filmmakers have been let out their "institution" way too early or they were treated with the wrong meds. (I call them "filmmakers" but they are not really filmmakers.) Do I really have to mention that the actors suck as much as the script, the cinematography (if you really want to call it that) and the "directing"? If you really want to waste your time watching some dorks beating up other dorks then you'd better also check into some kind of "institution existing for many generations".

But make sure they don't let you out early like all the zero talent guys who have made this crap.

Where are Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan when you need them? Oh crap.

The Forger (2012)

Cheap and boooring

[1/10 · 4 November 2013]

Everything about this movie is just cheap.

Must have had the production value of one episode of "The young and the restless" Everybody involved in this flick must have either been very bored or they didn't get enough money - so they said to themselves: why bother and put in any effort.

Just after watching a few minutes of this cheapo you immediately fall into a coma of ultimate boredom.

There is also the appearance of some kind of story about a young forger of painting who of course gets into trouble, meets a pretty girl and....

Sorry but just remberring having wasted time on this flick makes me drowsy...

Big History (2013– )

Really good

[10/10 · 3 November 2013]

I've seen the first two episodes and really liked them.

It shows you things you take for granted but had a profound impact on human development.

I never realized how something as apparently mundane as salt had such huge consequences on human history - not only from a medical point of view but also how the salt business and trade changed humankind.

The same goes for the second episode where you learn about how horses profoundly changed our history.

The series is very well done and I am looking forward for more episodes and high quality television.

The Taking (2013)

Please stop, I can't take it any more.

[1/10 · 3 November 2013]

Two people go into the woods and of course meet some psychos who want to....

Wait, you say, haven't I seen this a thousand times before?

Yes you have, but never as bad as this crap made by people with no talent whatsoever.

This is one of those "movies" (I call it a "movie" but it's not really a "movie") where everybody involved really sucks.

There is absolutely NOTHING good about this epic fail.

It wouldn't even qualifiy for all the YouTube sites where they make fun of movies by commenting on their crappiness while watching them.

Wayland's Song (2013)

Epic fail

[1/10 · 3 November 2013]

Everybody involved in this epic fail didn't even qualifiy for the zero talent zone.

There is some bloke running around.

Has some flashbacks of his time in Afghanistan. That's when the so-called "filmmakers" get really creative by shaking the camera in some woods. (Uh-huh, watch out Stanley Kubrick here come the real geniuses)

Well for some reason his daughter is missing and he...

Awww, don't bother.

It's just real crap.

A straight to DVD and on demand garbage made by people who will never shoot another film again.

Who has been stupid enough to finance that crap in the first place?

Hope they all got a real job to fall back on because the "filmmaking" gig surely doesn't work out for them and never will.

The Last Days on Mars (2013)

Even worse than "Prometheus"

[1/10 · 2 November 2013]

Take a really bad movie like "Prometheus" substract any kind of talent and you get "The Last Days on Mars"

Worse than that cheap rip off of a script, the bad acting, lighting, directing, cinematography, the cheesy music etc etc is the fact that you never get the feeling that you are actually on Mars.

Mars really looks like some desert in Nevada with some filters put on the camera lenses.

The "actors" (if you really like to call them that) run around in ridiculous space suits from a 50s B movie and nobody must have told them that there is some other kind of gravitiy on Mars.

Speaking of "Gravitiy".

Go and watch the movie of the same name if you like to see how a real space movie is done and skip the utter disaster which is "The Last Days of Mars".

Dracula (2013–2014)

Step aside, Ed Wood, here comes Dracula 2013!

[1/10 · 2 November 2013]

This show is sooo stupid it makes Honey Boo-Boo and the Kardashians look like Nobel Prize candidates.

Where to start with that disaster?

Well it's 1890 and some "Order of the Dragon" killed Dracula's wife a hundred years ago (why?) - but they didn't kill Dracula although they did get him too (why? why? why?).

Somehow these vampire hunters don't actually kill vampires but burn their spouses instead - what a really smart plan (duh).

And in their wisdom these clever vampire hunters don't stake and behead Dracula but bury him in an "iron coffin" and conveniently leave a big hole in that coffin so he can be resurrected a hundred years later by Van Helsing (!) who is dripping human blood through that very hole.

All the people who killed Dracula's wife a hundred years ago are long gone but nevertheless he is being convinced by his savior Van Helsing that it is a good idea to destroy the Order of the Dragon now because... well, uh, hmmm?

Yes, why is that?

Ah, yes, it's because although Van Helsing isn't a vampire, the Order of the Dragon for some reason killed his wife and also his kids while they were at it and he needs a dangerous monster like Dracula to avenge them.

Of course, Transylvanian Dracula speaks and understands English perfectly fine and instantly agrees to a master plan of Van Helsing to do so - right there in the dark tomb where he has been resurrected after a hundred years.

And that's the great master plan of Van Helsing the genius:

Dracula has to go to the United States get incredible rich (somehow) and invent something as easy as transferring energy without wires (child's play).

With his riches and his invention he has to go to London after ten years and bankrupt The Order of the Dragon there because they are not only in the business of hunting vampires but they are also coal and oil tycoons.

And of course Dracula the wonder boy really manages to get filthy rich in the USA and invents just the right technology to bankrupt The Order of the Dragon.

However, Dracula doesn't always stick to this "master plan" (I wonder why) back in London and kills some of the members of the Order of the Dragon right away. (Perhaps he got fed up with the stupid screen play.)

"Hmmm, who could have killed our members?" the Order of the Dragon wonders. "Perhaps it's that new rich guy in town who tries to take over our company?"

"No", the Order of the Dragon says, "although everybody dies who stands in his way and he looks exactly like the Dracula whose picture we have in our archive, he surely just is some nice fellow who just happens to dislike sunlight and who only goes out at night and is constantly being seen with that that Van Helsing fellow. You know, Van Helsing, the bloke who lives near by and whose wife and kids we killed for SOME REASON although he isn't a vampire - ooops sorry mate. No hard feelings eh?"

I give up.

This is the worst piece of television I have ever seen.

Either everybody involved got a wooden stake in their brains or they really spent all their money on set design and got their script on the cheap from one of the many guys sitting around Starbucks pretending to write a screen play.

Even if you like watching Ed Wood movies or really, really bad television just for fun this one isn't for you.

It isn't even that kind of weird "bad" that it's somehow good in its own quirky way - it is just really bad and it gets worse every minute you watch it.

My favorite of the many, many stupid lines go something like this:

Renfield: "Master, why don't you just compel Mina, that would be much easier. It's in your power."

Dracula: "No, Renfield, I can't do that, because that would be evil and I am evil."

Where is Ed Wood when you need him?

Let Me In (I) (2010)

Almost a 1:1 copy of a great Swedish movie

[10/10 · 16 January 2011]

It's almost a 1:1 copy of the original Swedish movie:

"Låt den rätte komma in"

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1139797

The movie is great - but all credits are due to the Swedish film-makers (10 points) but I would have to give zero points to their US counterparts for lack of own original ideas and creativity.

Also I find it more than troubling that the US director also claims to "have written it for the screen" based on a novel and the Swedish screenplay.

He did not.

He just copied the great Swedish movie scene by scene.

Das Lied in mir (2010)

Boring

[1/10 · 27 October 2010]

I had the misfortune of having to watch this boring movie.

The story has been told a thousand times before: a young adult discovers she was adopted and goes on the search for her real parents.

Apart from the fact that this is no original idea for a movie any more (for 50 years I guess) this flick tops it by being extremely boring.

Any of the gazillions cheap Sunday afternoon cable flicks showing you the exact same "hunt-for-real-parents" schmooze is better than this epic fail.

Germans may make good cars, but they make lousy movies.

Don't waste your time.

Boardwalk Empire (2010–2014)

Boooooring

[1/10 · 21 September 2010]

Extremely booooring.

Really nothing interesting happens there.

All the roles are mis-cast.

Be honest: do you really like to watch Steve Buscemi as a lead in a series all the time? And the supporting actors are even worse.

A show you can only endure with a good bottle of booze - or even better: not at all.

What a waste of time.

The makers should have watched a few episodes of Mad Men to see how good television is being done.

Up in the Air (I) (2009)

Nice movie (Contains Spoilers)

[8/10 · 3 January 2010]

First I only watched on because of George Clooney and because I like "Juno" by Jason Reitman.

It's a bit boring at the beginning and it's hard to feel any sympathy for the main characters: people who get hired to fire other people.

But when you get used to the slow pace of the movie - it turns out to be really good.

Never cheesy or some feel-good Disney crap.

Realistic yet touching.

I really liked Anna Kendrick, too.

My only beef is with Vera Farmiga. Okay, it isn't her fault that she looks like a cosmetic operation gone bad - but she does a real lousy job and can't act at all.

She is along with so many other actresses who neither have the looks, the charisma or the talent like Julianne Moore, Kristen Stewart or Maggie Gyllenhall and so on.

The only thing these "actresses" are capable of it spoiling a nice movie.

Who on earth gives them acting jobs?

Torchwood (2006–2011)

Excellent (Contains Spoilers)!

[10/10 · 30 December 2009]

Excellent! I have just watched the 3rd season of Torchwood and was totally blown away.

A gritty, dark story, believable characters and I have always asked myself: what would really happen in that situation? What situation? Aliens threaten to destroy the earth if they don't get 10 per cent of the children of the earth.

And for what? They use their body fluids as a kind of drug to get them high.

What follows is really shocking - and therefore believable.

Far from any heroics whatsoever, the governments of the world decide not to put up a fight - but just hand 10 per cent of the children over to the aliens.

And they don't stop at that - just the "worthless" 10 per cent of course: the troublemakers, the poor, the mentally ill, the disenfranchised from the poor neighborhoods with bad marks at school who will amount to nothing later in life anyway.

And the only ones to stand in the way of that madness are: Torchwood.

If you now think there comes a hero story with Torchwood saving the day: you haven't counted with the genius of the makers of this season.

Torchwood's leader has a dirty secret of his own - and what now follows is far from any heroics or cheesy, mindless sci-fi action.

Don't miss season 3!

Case 39 (2009)

Disappointing Damien rip-off.(Contains Spoilers)

[1/10 · 30 December 2009]

It's the same old story again that you have seen many times before: parents (this time it's just one - Zellwegger though) discover that their child or adopted child is from hell.

There must be dozens of TV episodes of mystery shows with that old theme around - not to speak of the Damien movie series and all its rip-offs.

This is just one more of them.

While watching Case 39 I have always waited for the cool, unexpected story twist.

But that didn't happen.

Woman adopts child, child is some kinda demon, demon-child kills a lot of people, woman kills demon-child.

The End.

Very disappointing.

Humans (2009)

Just utter crap. (Contains Spoilers)

[1/10 · 26 December 2009]

Crap.

It's the same old story again that has been used in dozens of horror flicks before: Some city folk stranded in the wild outdoors are being hunted and killed by something or someone really bad.

This time it's Neandertals who survived their own extinction somehow in the swiss alps and now are hunting down some city guys.

Yeah, you heard right: in Switzerland where there is a hotel or ski lift on every corner and there is nothing more left of the big scary wild.

And if that doesn't sound funny enough - throw in some really bad masks the actors who play the Neandertals have to wear.

Not even unintentionally funny.

Just utter crap.