Wturnerbill Reviews

I'm Dreaming of a White Doomsday (2017)

Despicable Filth

[1/10 · 16 January 2020]

There's two kinds of people in this world, people that enjoy watching eight-year-old boys strangled to death on Christmas eve, by a cretin in a Santa suit and people that don't.

If perhaps you're the kind of person that does enjoy that kind of thing, then you'll also have to contend other things like no plot, zero suspense, and people spending an hour doing mundane things, while wallowing around in their own misery. That's a whole hour-plus of boredom, just to get to that nihilistic snuff scene.

This film is kind of like The Road, except without the road, without hope, and it makes you want to puke!

Kiss Me Quick! (1964)

This movie is hilarious!

[30 June 2002]

Sterilox, a Stan Laurel clone, is sent by his alien overlord to Earth to find females, not for breeding, but to serve! Where else would an alien go to find the the perfect specimen, but to the laboratory of Dr. Breedlove, whose experiments on women are quite revolutionary. A sexist, pre-women's lib comedy that has some good one-liners and hot naked women, as well as excellent color photography and cool sets. All of the classic monsters are there too! Must be seen to be believed.

House on Bare Mountain (1962)

One crazy monster mash!

[30 June 2002]

This is one of the oddest movies I've ever seen. Bob Cress is perfect in the role of the rotten old bat, who keeps a werewolf (yes, a werewolf) enslaved in her basement still. The (naked) girls of Granny Good's prep school sure do know how to throw a party! The punchline at the very end of the movie is absolutely hilarious.

The Legend of Alfred Packer (1980)

Amateurish but entertaining, offbeat western based on a true story

[9/10 · 29 June 2002]

The Legend of Alfred Packer is the unbelievable true story of the only man ever convicted in the U.S. of cannibalism, the same story later told in the film "Cannibal! the Musical", and partially told in "Ravenous". This film is unintentionally funny as it was so ineptly acted. The two actors that play the grotesque mountain men\trappers steal the show, while Packer is portrayed as a burley, half-crazed Civil War vet. Despite the bad acting, the locations and costumes are great. The direction is adequate but the internal and night-time scenes are very dark, resulting from either bad lighting or a bad video transfer. I cannot tell. Watching this movie it's easy to see that it was used as a reference for "Cannibal!" as some of the scenes, narrative devices, and even a costume design exactly parallel the ones in this movie. Despite it's shortcomings, I did enjoy seeing it.

Primal Rage (1988)

This movie deserves cult status

[10/10 · 29 June 2002]

At first, I thought this was going to be another killer ape picture, instead it was an very cool knock-off of David Cronenberg's "Rabid", with awesome effects by Carlo Rambaldi. I thoroughly enjoyed watching these characters go berzerk to the music of Claudio Simonetti. The gore was plentiful and the ruckus at the Halloween dance was very exciting. It was also fun to watch one of Rob Lowe's brothers in yet another B horror picture. My only problem was the dated pop tunes that plagued the movie's soundtrack.

Eyes of Fire (1983)

Those Blair Witch turkeys should be paying royalties!

[10/10 · 29 June 2002]

Totally forgotten but excellent. Where's Anchor Bay when you need them? Blair Witch is a total rip-off of this film (among others). Eyes of Fire is actually scary. If you see an old copy of this movie, rent or buy it. It is a true original that deserves to be seen.

Army of Darkness (1992)

Am I the only one that was disappointed?

[6/10 · 28 June 2002]

When I was a kid Evil Dead was my favorite movie. Evil Dead II wasn't far behind and I thought they'd never make another sequel. In 1993 ads for Army of Darkness popped up on TV and I almost dropped a load in my pants. I shook with antisipation. When I finally saw the movie, I was crushed. If it wasn't a sequel to Evil Dead, I'd probably like it. Army of Darkness could have been the perfect opportunity to explore Evil Dead in a medieval setting, but it was squandered on stooge style antics. (slight spoiler) I absolutely hated it when, after the love interest is possessed and killed, she comes back to life and in one piece for the finale. In Evil Dead, There is no return from possession and there is no return from death.

Diary of the Dead (1976)

Long forgotten, but worth seeing...

[10/10 · 28 June 2002]

SPOILERS ...with excellent early performances by Hector Elizondo and late character actor Joseph Maher. Not really a horror film as the title suggests, but a wicked, almost comedic, Hitchcock style thriller. (spoilers) Elizondo lives with his wife and overbearing mother-in-law. When a friend of his wife's mother comes to visit and unexpectedly dies of a heart attack,he hatches a plan to murder his mother-in-law and pass the friend off in her place. He calls the hospital and then goes about his plan, but changes his mind. When his mother-in-law dies from a fall (sustained while trying to kill him), he has no choice but to revert back to his original plan, having already told the hospital she died from a heart attack. His plan works well at first but quickly snowballs, leaving him scrambling to save his own skin.

Wild Riders (1971)

For exploitation fans only

[7/10 · 23 June 2002]

***spoilers*** Smooth talking Pete and his smelly,idiot pal Stick leave Florida(as well as a girl nailed to a tree)and travel west to California. From a lookout point in the Hollywood hills,Pete spies Rona by her pool sunbathing with her friend Laura. Before long,Pete manages to talk his way into her yard,into her pool,into her home,and into the bed of the sex starved lady of the house. Meanwhile,Laura insults Stick, so he beats and rapes her. When Laura tells Rona, Pete gets violent. The terrified women are then held captive as the two bikers ransack the house and threaten them with more rape and worse. Despite this, Rona falls in love with Pete. Unfortunately for Rona,her musician husband returns home and proceeds to kill Pete and Stick with his cello! This movie kind of reminded me of a much tamer "Last house on the Left" with it's crude production values,sadistic goons,and shocking just desserts. It even has a theme song written and performed by it's lead dirtbag. Surprisingly, "The Wild Riders" predates the other movie by a year I wouldn't go as far as to call this a must-see,but I enjoyed it enough to reccomend it to fans of low budget,low class exploitation.