theteeto Reviews

Lantana (2001)

Did you people watch the same dreck I did?

[4 September 2002]

In a word: horrid. After seeing the preview for this movie, the awards it won, and the superb cast, I thought, "this should be pretty good." WRONG! It's terrible. There's no suspense here. The writing is hackneyed. Here is the entire movie:

Woman: "I'm worried about our marriage." Long pause Man: "There's nothing to be worried about." Longer pause Woman: "I feel like we're losing touch..." Pause, of the long variety Man: "We all feel...things..."

Do this for 2 hours, add a fake mystery with a very flawed conclusion, and call it a wonderful piece of junk. AVOID.

Monster's Ball (2001)

The worst written film I've seen in years...

[1/10 · 3 September 2002]

This is the first movie I've watched in a long time that I had to physically strain to get through. Berry got the Oscar nod for two reasons: she showed her boobs, and didn't wear makeup. WOW! The characters are so unrealistic and undergo such sudden changes for no reason. They say things that NO ONE would ever say. This was like watching the local middle school do an improv version of "Of Mice and Men". Mos Def does his best to show that rappers can be actors, but Puffy eliminates any validity to that argument in seconds. Just because a movie tries to be dark doesn't mean it's deep. The actors are fresh out of a 1950s detective B-movie, hammy and over the top. If you don't believe me that this is a terribly written film, read the "Memorable Quotes" section--those are the BEST lines in the movie...

The Misadventures of Margaret (1998)

CRAP!

[3 September 2002]

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** My word, this was one horrid little flick. I figured, with Posey and Northam, this might be pretty good. Wrong! Maggie's misadventures are completely of her own doing, and she is the single most unsympathetic character I've seen in quite some time. ***SPOILERS*** Posey meets Northam in Paris, sleeps with him, and then discovers the next day that he's English (oops! She really wanted a Frenchman). So, of course, they decide to get married for some reason. Then, the movie jumps ahead 7 years for some reason, perhaps because the makers felt it would be impossible to develop these characters in any way, as just a few minutes in, you already are asking, "WTF?". While Margaret is a complete psycho, and her husband seems to be the only thing holding her together, she decides she must cheat on him. We're never given any reasons why, unfortunately, but hey, why bother with little details like that? She runs off to France, gets drunk, and tries to bone a Frenchman, but he just puts her to bed--she's furious! Why kind of frog doesn't want to sleep with the crazy married drunk American he just met? She also tries to seduce her dentist, her sister's girlfriend, and the Frenchman yet again, for reasons unknown, failing every time. So, she tries the dentist again, with success! But now, she's still unhappy (poor dear--perhaps her podiatrist would have solved her problems). She then runs to France again, where her husband (inexplicably) woos her back. THE END. This movie had no character development, no common sense, no one to like, and no reason to exist. The pretentious flashbacks to lovers in jolly Olde England were particularly wretched. The only redeeming quality about this film was seeing Posey's bare breasts for a solid 30 seconds.

K-9: P.I. (2002 Video)

A comedy with bite...

[29 August 2002]

I concur. This is the finest film about a dog cop I have ever seen (not counting Turner and Hooch, of course). Jim Bulishi shines in what is clearly his finest moment since Jingle All the Way. You really believe he is a cop with a dog for a sidekick...or is he really the dog's sidekick :) I found the female dog love interest to be a bit of a stretch. I mean, what could he see in that bitch? Anyways, great film all around, good times. Fun for the whole family, including Rover! 9/10