Glurrk Reviews

Oh! My Dear Desire (2003)

Heavy stuff, man!

[7/10 · 5 February 2005]

This is another one of those shot-on-digital (which isn't a bad thing) movies, with a multiple storyline structure. If you enjoyed "Magnolia", or some of Robert Altman's stuff, this should be right up your alley. The performances are quite strong- I didn't see a single bad actor in this movie.

I think I have only two small gripes, really- A good portion of the beginning is too dark to see what's going on-just a lot of grainy video blobs. (But the rest of the film is well-lit) Also, the film could have used a little humor for balance. (It's VERY heavy drama. If you pick this one up, I suggest following it up with a comedy- I mean, even "Schindler's List" had a few chuckles...)

Bottom line: If you love the serious stuff and/or the independent film movement, give this a chance.

Stageghost (2000)

Completely misses the mark...

[1/10 · 17 October 2004]

Where to begin? How about, "Let's take an interesting premise and do the worst possible job with it!" This is a shot-on-video (the harsh overexposed shots are a dead giveaway) and transferred to film "horror-western" which might have made an intriguing movie had it not been put together so ineptly. As the movie progresses, you can see the boom & microphone put in some cameo appearances. There are continuity errors with horses (the stagecoach has four horses, then three, then four again-from shot to shot!) The cookery & glassware looks like it was made in the year 2000, not 1870. The action takes place over three days, but the moon appears full every night! There's a scene where the marshal & a bad guy are firing their guns at something, but only one gun has blanks, so it looks like one gun isn't doing anything. The addition of standard run-of-the-mill sound effects increase the cheesiness of the whole production. Not to mention the use of music- Typical twangy western music is used here, but the tempo is upbeat when it should be suspenseful- any attempt at atmosphere is usually ruined. Are you getting the idea how much thought was put into this mess? The whole thing is a clumsy, ham-fisted effort and your money would be better spent elsewhere. (If you like "MST3K", you'll get a kick out of it, but everyone else stay away!)

Naked Weapon (2002)

Ugly, brutal waste of time.

[1/10 · 18 July 2004]

In one of the film's first scenes, a distraught 12 year old girl is gunned down. Charming. Later, we get to see a roomful of female prisoners ordered to kill their fellow prisoners, or be killed themselves. (The brutality that follows makes the knife-fight scene from "Saving Private Ryan" look like "The Sound of Music" in comparison.) Finally, the winners get to kill each other and the final prize is to be drugged and raped numerous times.

This pile of garbage doesn't get better later. A female assassin gets killed by having tiny shards of glass hit her in the face.(Because as you know, secret assassin schools train you to store your vital organs in your cheeks.) There are bottom-grade computer-generated effects to almost impress you, and just overall the worst choice you could make in looking for a Hong Kong action film. Oh, and by the way, there is far less nudity (virtually none)than the title implies, so if that's your angle, you could do better. Avoid this cinematic abomination at all costs.

Conquest (1983)

This is a joke, right?

[1/10 · 2 May 2004]

Warning: This review contains a spoiler.

Wow. Almost impressively bad. Note I said, "almost". This is nothing more than lots of random scenes strung together in a loose attempt at a story. The protagonists (you CANNOT call them "heroes") shoot innocent bystanders for their food, and also rob same for similar reasons. There's also tons of homoeroticism, which was a turnoff for me. (SPOILER: It seems as if the villainess (who only is topless and not naked as other reviews claim) gets killed early on, but miraculously recovers, adding another 70 minutes of audience-torture.) I can't shake the feeling that animal abuse occurred numerous times in this cinematic abomination. If you're in a MST3K mood, you might find this watchable, but for the most part you can forget it. Go rent the original Conan DVD instead.

Revenge of the Ninja (1984)

Does not contain any actual ninjas...

[1/10 · 28 February 2004]

Don't be fooled by the title if you're looking for some ninja action- this is just another incomprehensible mess of a movie that does not contain any actual ninjas! Good luck sorting through the motley assortment of scenes for any kind of story or characters to identify with. It's difficult to tell if this is a period piece, modern-day action movie or a post-apocalyptic flick. (Lots of people in it have archaic weapons, but occasionally someone has a gun. Also, some people drive cars, but others seem to teleport around.) One thing's for sure though- it stinks! You could find better ways to waste your time than with this turkey. Try watching fresh paint dry, for instance.

Cheerleader Ninjas (2002)

Embarrassingly bad.

[1/10 · 13 February 2004]

There is not one redeeming quality about this thing that tries to pass itself off as a movie. For starters, it is one of those "self-aware" films that uses cutesy humor to show the viewer how clever it thinks it is. It also manages to be offensive to women, homosexuals, teenagers, African-Americans, the Catholic Church, and many others. On a technical level, it is totally inept. It seems the filmmakers never got over rejection in high school and decided to strike back at their imagined tormentors. Get over it, guys. The bottom line? If you can stomach over 90 minutes of fart jokes and moronic sound effects, then by all means throw your money away on this cinematic abomination.

Trojan Warrior (2002)

Disturbingly homoerotic.

[1/10 · 3 January 2004]

The cover art (which features a man holding a scary pellet gun) would make it seem as if it's a martial arts film. (Hardly.)

I find it interesting that the film's real title is Trojan Warrior. (Trojan is a brand of condoms in the US) This movie is loaded with homoeroticism. If you like that stuff, then this film isn't that bad really. However, consider these points:

There are numerous close-ups of actors' groins & butts, (One scene even features every actor with an erection bulging in his pants.) the film is also bathed in gaudy colors like lime, peach, and red. From a cinematographer's standpoint, this movie's a drag queen! Several scenes feature characters standing EXTREMELY close to one another, occasionally touching as they converse. Also, the cousin of the hero likes women, and every other guy in the movie is trying to kill him. Is there a message here the filmmakers want to convey?

Shall I go into the fight scenes? (Yes, someone's private parts get grabbed in one fight.) The martial arts scenes are brief and unimaginative. No fancy stuff here, just your standard moves you'd see in an old Chuck Norris flick. There's also a car chase scene which may be the first ever LOW-speed chase put on film.

The Street Fighter (1974)

Rock bottom garbage

[1/10 · 27 December 2003]

If you have no standards for martial arts movies, this might be for you. If you don't mind the camerawork missing some of the moves, you'll enjoy this movie. If you also don't care that some scenes are too dark for you to see anything, you'll have a good time with this film. If you casually dismiss the "hero" (using that term EXTREMELY loosely) shrugging off injuries that would kill a mortal (getting tossed off a cliff) due to his "training", you'll like this flick. If your concept of "martial arts" is guys flailing their arms around sloppily, you won't be disappointed. If you enjoy watching damage being done to human beings that can best be described as "pornographic", run right out & rent this.

Otherwise, go to the video store, find the martial arts section, and grab ANYTHING that doesn't have Sonny Chiba in it.

Beautiful Bounty (2001)

Not so beautiful...

[1/10 · 7 December 2003]

Argh! The DVD cover shows a knock-off of Lara Croft, but the woman on the cover does not appear in the movie. It's NOT an adventure movie, just some lame soft-core police thriller with sex scenes that end abruptly, as if the actors (using that term loosely) changed their minds about being naked in the movie.

One great scene near the end has the bounty huntress talking to her captive, and you can see the shadow of the soundman adjusting his microphone- VERY distracting! However, don't take that as a recommendation- not even as MST3K cheese! This one's a loser.

Half Past Dead (2002)

Even hard-core Seagal fans would hate this...

[1/10 · 16 November 2003]

Seagal fans beware- He does no action scenes until almost an hour into this mess. Instead, Seagal RUNS AWAY from numerous fights, letting Ja Rule convincingly lose every battle. Actually, Ja Rule could be an up and coming action star, but Hollywood needs to let him at least hit puberty (which should happen in a few more years...) Also, what sort of commando/terrorist wears a bare-midriff outfit? The chick in this atrocity looks like a backup singer for Christina Aguilera.Back to Seagal- When he finally does cut loose, it's his stunt double (HEAVILY PADDED to resemble the bloated Seagal) doing a lot of the work & taking the falls. I don't remember any aikido, either. It's just your standard kicks & punches you'd see in any straight-to-video martial arts turkey. Not even "so-bad-it's-funny", either. Just plain dull...

Cobra vs. Ninja (1987)

Another "spliced-in extra footage" movie

[15 November 2003]

If you liked FULL METAL NINJA, then this should be up your alley as well. The same bunch of guys from FMN film footage of themselves wearing "Ninja" headbands and fighting, and then periodically insert these shots into another completely different film. (In this case, it looks like a low-budget Fillipino martial arts film.) The two movies have nothing to do with one another, and characters from one film never interact with the other film, although they try to make it seem like they do. The end result is pretty rotten, but the dialogue/dubbing is a scream. This is good for a cheese-fest.