JP95 Reviews

The Last Kiss (2006)

Terrible Message.

[5/10 · 28 August 2022]

Same BS message as always: that marriage and kids are the only societally acceptable path, and nothing else is allowed, even though lifetime monogamy is completely unrealistic and not how humans are wired. The American Dream must always win. Sigh.

Also there is SO much yelling and screeching in this film. And are we supposed to find Braff's ENDLESS "porch montage" sweet? Noble? Touching? It's just pathetic, and is honestly the final nail in the coffin of an already disappointing movie.

Rachel Bilson is the only good thing in this film, and her character is treated like absolute crap, like she doesn't even matter and her feelings shouldn't even be considered - only those of screechy, hysterical, irritating Jacinda Barrett. Ridiculous. It just doesn't work.

Overall a depressing downer of a movie with a terrible (and tired) message.

Harvest Love (2017 TV Movie)

An actual positive Jen Lilley role - pleasantly shocked!

[8/10 · 17 August 2022]

I almost didn't watch this one because normally I can't stand Jen Lilley. Generally the characters she plays are whiny, abrasive, hyperactive, wear absurd amounts of eye makeup, and are always super irritating. So, imagine my surprise when I actually really liked her in this! For once her character is calm, sweet, likeable, cute, understated, and just...normal.

In addition to super unlikeable leads, the other major issue that kills at least half of all Hallmark films is a complete lack of chemistry between the leads. When that's the case it's just never going to work. Fortunately, in this film, the leads have a ton of very believable, palpable, natural chemistry. So the "moments" between them, the closeness, the lingering meaningful looks, don't seem fake or forced. The romance works, so the movie works. I wish there were more like this.

Firestarter (2022)

Lost me with the cat scene.

[4/10 · 12 August 2022]

The cat scene was just too much. Sorry but I don't need to watch a horrifically maimed, suffering animal. Whether it's real or not. That's not entertainment.

Ann Rule's A Murder to Remember (2020 TV Movie)

So so SO bad. Even by Lifetime standards.

[1/10 · 3 July 2022]

One of very few one-star ratings from me. This is horrifically bad, even by the very low standards of Lifetime movies. Granted, they had a truly awful script to work with (how do you mess up a true story?), but the acting is comically terrible (all of them, but the police chief is worst of all - yikes). And why did they cast an actress who looks like she's twelve? It made the whole thing even less believable, and I just didn't care what happened to the characters one way or another. Please don't waste your time on this like I did.

Monsoon (2018)

Loved it...for the first eleven minutes.

[5/10 · 11 January 2022]

If only this had continued to be the gorgeous film this started out as. But alas. After the eleven minute mark, it went steeply downhill.

The biggest problem is that they made girl #1 (stunningly beautiful, talented, incandescent Katherine Hughes) TOO gorgeous and perfect, with the pair having TOO much natural chemistry. How could anyone else EVER measure up?

Enter girl #2, "Caitlyn" - dumber than a box of hair, not even cute (though she sure thinks she is), and one of the most irritating characters of all time. In order for the premise of the film to work at all, girl #1 needed to be less ideal, and/or girl #2 needed to be less terrible. It just doesn't work, as is. It would have benefitted from a whole lot more Katherine Hughes.

Though I suppose it makes sense, for a film about grief, that I should have spent the whole thing grieving for the wonderful film that could have been.

The cinematography, songs, and score were lovely, at least.

Where Your Heart Belongs (2022 TV Movie)

Failing Grade in Chemistry & Geography.

[6/10 · 10 January 2022]

I mean, at least get the geography right? I know it's BC and all (I'm from there), but....you're telling me they couldn't find a single hardwood tree to stand in for a maple? Even a birch or an oak would be more believable than a Western Red Cedar in a forest of other cedars.

Plus, as others have noted, absolutely zero chemistry between the leads, which is basically the bare minimum of what I ask of a Hallmark movie.

I also found the bride character to be really unlikeable (though the actress is part of my favorite scene in Mean Girls) so it was hard to care what happened with her wedding (she and her groom also had zero chemistry).

Also, hard to tell what Jenn Lilley even *actually* looks like, because of the absurd clown's mask of makeup she wears at all times. Caked on foundation, terrible brown-orange eyeshadow, and gobs and gobs of mascara - how did she even keep her eyes open under the weight? She is obviously an attractive woman; why ruin her this way?

I didn't hate this as much as some reviewers (yikes, what were you all expecting?) but it definitely misses the mark in some key areas. Even for Hallmark.

Family for Christmas (2015 TV Movie)

Should be called "The Jerk Husband."

[5/10 · 3 January 2022]

Nearly every Hallmark movie pushes this BS "only marriage and children can lead to happiness" message. I hate it but I expect it at this point. But this one takes it a step further with the truly awful husband character who gets extremely angry with his wife the *moment* she mentions being interested in a job that's perfect for her, after being his perfect little wife and stay at home mom for TEN YEARS. He isn't even willing to discuss it or entertain the idea. Only when she gives in (as they always do in these movies) is he nice to her again. Yikes. I can't understand how the actor was even okay with playing a role that sends a message like that. And how are all these actresses okay with it, over and over again?

Just watch The Family Man instead, it's far better and way less 1950s -era sexist.

A Dream of Christmas (2016 TV Movie)

More of the pro-marriage / anti-success messaging.

[6/10 · 2 January 2022]

Ugh, again. It's a cute enough movie (Andrew Walker is the highlight), but I'm tired of film and television preaching that someone can only find happiness if they choose marriage over their own career and success. Lame. It's the exact same message of "The Family Man" and Hallmark's "Just in Time for Christmas" and countless others.

Not everyone chooses this path and that should be okay. Filmmakers should realize that *all* of us want to see ourselves reflected in their characters, not just the audience members who have chosen marriage over career and freedom.

As an aside, another doctrine Hallmark loves to hammer home: that women can only be attractive when they're perfectly coiffed, wearing gobs of makeup, and dressed to the nines (with absurd heels). In my opinion, the exact opposite is true, and Penny looks so much better at the very beginning of the movie!

Once Upon a Christmas Miracle (2018 TV Movie)

Simply Wonderful True-Story Romance.

[10/10 · 1 January 2022]

By far the best Hallmark movie I've ever seen. They're usually so phony, sappy and contrived (which is fine because we expect that), but the fact that this is a true story means the whole thing is realistic and believable from the first moment.

In any romance film, there are two essential ingredients: two likeable leads, and electric, believable chemistry. This movie has both in spades.

I watched it in the first place due to my long-standing crush on the gorgeous, expressive, highly talented Aimee Teegarden, who is especially wonderful in this film. Charming, handsome Brett Dalton (oh, to look like that!) is also fantastic in this, and there's a very clear connection between the two actors (and thus their characters) even when they aren't speaking - to the point where I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that the actors are a couple in real life.

I was completely pulled in by that intense chemistry, and became really invested in the characters and the outcome of their story. This is rare in any film, let alone a Hallmark holiday movie, so this one really stands out. As an added bonus, it was filmed (as the majority of Hallmark films are) in my homeland of Canada.

Just in Time for Christmas (2015 TV Movie)

Ugh.

[6/10 · 31 December 2021]

Of course the "correct choice / happy ending" according to Hallmark is to sacrifice one's own success and career to settle down and get married. Predictable even by Hallmark standards. As if we don't already know that society expects / pressures everyone to choose marriage.

Also, I've enjoyed Eloise Mumford in other films, but thought her performance was just awful in this one (again, even by Hallmark standards). She pretty much just giggles the whole time.

How did Christopher Lloyd agree to be in this? About the only good thing about this film is the scenic (and very familiar, to me!) Vancouver and Victoria British Columbia filming locations.

Small Town Crime (2017)

Incredibly Disappointing.

[4/10 · 20 November 2021]

This should have been so much better, given the cast. John Hawkes is a talented actor (especially in Winter's Bone) who was just wasted on this. The film couldn't decide what it wanted to be. It should have focused on the dark and stayed away from the campy. The music / score made it feel silly rather than dark. The plot was so convoluted I completely lost interest and just didn't care how things turned out. And did we need *quite* so many shots of the mufflerless car spinning its wheels? Ugh.

As an aside: to other reviewers...no need to include an extended synopsis with your review...that's already available.

Newness (2017)

Some weaknesses but overall powerful.

[8/10 · 3 July 2021]

It's at least 30 minutes too long (but then most films are), with slow pacing at times. For the most part it's extremely realistic and believable (especially the dialogue)...*except* when the attractive young woman wants to sleep with the homely heavyset old guy. Given the subject matter, I also find it strange that nudity is so conspicuously avoided.

But most disappointing for me was the ending. As it drew closer, I so hoped that for once there could be a (realistic) message that not everyone wants or has to be with one person forever (I simply don't believe humans are wired for lifetime monogamy; instead, they force it because society expects/demands it). But no, film and society cannot allow that message. So the young sexual characters quite literally (inexplicably) decide that "boring is okay." That it's fine to settle. While predictable, this was really disappointing, especially as that's the final impression you're left with.

All that being said...the acting is truly remarkable, especially the range of emotions communicated *without* words. The cinematography is nuanced and gorgeous, and I was particularly taken with the score, which could not have been more perfect and significantly contributed to the overall power of the story and the visuals.

This is not a movie for "the masses" (no sci-fi or superheroes or car chases or explosions, sorry). It's a film for intelligent, thinking, feeling, inquisitive, reflective audiences. There is some truly startling realism in this examination of human emotions and relationships. While the aforementioned weaknesses (especially the ending) detracted from what would otherwise have been a 10/10 rating, overall I found this to be an extremely powerful, thought-provoking film experience.

This Is Us (2016–2022)

Worse each season, lost me for good in 2021.

[6/10 · 15 May 2021]

Like so many shows, this started out strong (and unique), but has gotten progressively worse with each season. The 2021 season has really been the straw that broke the camel's back for me, since (like so many network series this year, eg. My former favorite show A Million Little Things and *none* moreso than the formerly great / now absurd New Amsterdam) it's now become a preachy, righteous mouthpiece for social justice issues (in fairness, the networks are pressured to do this and obviously have no choice anymore). That's what the *news* is for; I watch scripted TV to *escape* the terribleness of the world and actually be entertained for a while.

But what's *really* killed this show for me is that (again, like SO many series before it), it's basically a show about BABIES now. Ugh. Does EVERY show have to be about procreation? I never liked Randall or Kate's storylines, but at least used to relate to Kevin. But then of course Madison got pregnant (of COURSE), and of course she kept it (of COURSE; they always do), and now the poor guy is saddled with TWINS? And is pressured into marriage with a perennially-pouty, unpleasant, self-centered character who clearly feels nothing should matter to him but her? And basically destroyed his career by walking off a movie set (with...DeNiro?) because...babies? Gross. I no longer relate.

Believe it or not Hollywood (and...America), some of us are happily *childfree by choice.* We actually care about *other* things in life, like... career, freedom, independence, happiness. It would be great if just ONCE Hollywood could write a storyline for us, too. Couldn't just ONE of Randall / Kate / Kevin have chosen a different life path? (Answer: nope; what are you, nuts?). There was one episode this season that was basically an entire hour of crying babies and I was like ok, this has officially jumped the shark, I'm out.

This Is (No Longer) Us.

New Amsterdam (2018–2022)

Loved it...until 2021.

[6/10 · 12 May 2021]

I used to love this show, but in 2021 it's become incredibly preachy. I turn on the TV to be entertained.

If I want to be told how terrible the world is, I'll look at the news. Can we focus on the medical cases instead of Max saving the world/society in a new way every single week? They certainly trying to check every. Single. Box. I think I'm done with it.