greggbartley Reviews

The Importance of Being Earnest (2002)

If you want Oscar Wilde, don't waste your time with this one.

[7 June 2003]

I didn't see this in the theaters, because I was not expecting much. However, I did watch some of it when it came on the premium pay cable channel the other day. I was wrong about it. It was even worse than I expected.

Oscar Wilde, and this play in particular, is meant to be done `over the top'. `The Importance of Being Earnest' is supposed to be poking fun at Victorian mores. This film manages to get absolutely nowhere near that. Oliver Parker, the director of this film, seems to have no absolutely no concept of how to be humorous. The lines are delivered flat and much too fast, with absolutely no hint of irony or humor. Some of the funniest exchanges in the play go over absolutely like a dead fish in this film. In fact, many of them go by so quickly that the uninitiated probably don't even recognize them as jokes. I admire Judy Dench as a very accomplished actress, but she was a miserable choice for the role of Aunt Augusta. She comes across as a mean spirited, always cross spinster. The exchange between she and Earnest Worthing about his lack of parents and being found in a handbag in Victoria Station was so amazingly without humor, I was astounded. And to have Gwendolen visit a tattoo parlor was very out of character. It didn't fit in at all. I suppose that was thrown in to somehow make this film somehow `relevant' to the 20-something's of today's movie going audience, as was the attempt to make several other aspects of this film on the `racy' side. It all seemed very unnecessary and gratuitous, and the attempt really diminished the good points of a wonderful play.

If you want to see this play done well, go catch it at one of your local theater groups. They would do a much better job that this vast disappointment. Or better yet, get a hold of the video of the 1952 version, starring Michael Redgrave and Dorothy Tutin. That is the definitive version of this play. It is a wonderful treatment of Oscar Wilde's snide humor and witty wordplay. This one, don't waste your time.

Rebirth of Mothra III (1998)

Welcome to my fever dream. (Contains Spoilers!)

[1 June 2003]

O.K., I am used to all the recent giant monster films from Toho Studios having very weird plots. All the third generation Godzilla films of the 90's are a case in point. However, the `Rebirth of Mothra' series, and this one in particular, really are amazing. It is like some really bad dream you might have while locked in a sweat soaked fever delirium. It keeps going and going, making less and less sense as it goes along. You keep hoping that you will wake up, but you never do.

There are three little Elias fairies, two `good' and one `bad'. They find some little triangle things that fit into their swords, but two of them get mixed up and they don't fit in the swords they have. Then a meteor crashes into the earth. It, of course, is King Ghidorah, who apparently was also the cause of the extinction of the dinosaurs. He has returned for some unspoken reason, probably to kill off all mankind. But instead of just stomping on everyone and knocking down buildings like monsters are prone to do, THIS one flies around and little children start evaporating. Not the adults, just the kids. They are later found to be inside a huge dome (which is actually a rather neat effect), full of icicles and volcanoes that burp blue acid. Why King Ghidorah does this is never explained, but it is obvious to the fairies that he intends to `kill them'. The little fairies then call Mothra, of course, who is apparently composed of thousands of little Mothras who fly together, achieve critical mass, and then explode into one big Mothra. The fairies fly too close to Ghidorah, and one of the good Elias gets her hair permed and turns into a bad fairy. She tries to choke the other good fairy, but falls off the tiny little Mothra they use as a steed and falls inside the dome. The remaining good Elias convinces a little boy who is afraid to go to school to go inside the dome and rescue the good become bad fairy, because she always was convinced of the innocence of children.

Now it gets weird. The remaining good fairy talks to Mothra and finds out the only way to defeat King Ghidorah is to go back in time, when he was much younger (and had much slimmer legs). But she won't be able to return to the present time, I believe, because the other fairy is now bad and trapped inside the dome. But, she goes back anyway, `sung' back by the remaining good fairy who then, in one of many very touching scenes, turns into a block of blue crystal. Mothra, on her way back through time, turns into something that looks like a cross between a flying fish, a wasp, and an F-15. She then finds Ghidorah busily chomping on a Tyrannosaurus. She fights him, and promptly gets her soundly trashed.

Meanwhile, back by the big dome, the kid who the Elias conned into fighting Ghidorah jumps out and yells insults at the 800 foot tall, three headed monster. Ghidorah is sufficiently insulted and sucks the little tyke up and deposits him in the dome. He goes in search of the fairy. The other, original, bad fairy is also in the dome and the three all come together. The two fairies fight with swords, but since the little kid is there and is full of innocence and still afraid to go to school, both fairies undergo a radical change of heart. The three swords magically merge into one sword. They send their good vibes, over 150 millions years, out to Mothra and she wins by shooting out all sorts of rays and things from her head, her wings, wherever. She apparently dies anyway, and three Mothra caterpillars magically appear from somewhere and give her a proper sendoff. The dome disappears and everyone is extremely happy, except the one fairy who is still a blue crystal. The movie is apparently over.

Then, a huge explosion in the sky occurs, King Ghidorah is back. This is not explained. Then, an earthquake happens and Mothra reappears as well. She had wrapped herself `in a time capsule', according to the kid who knows everything, and reappeared `just in the right time'. It is like that whole half-hour when Mothra went back in time never happened. They fight some more, and Mothra wins by dropping him in a volcano. Everyone is happy again, and they figure out a way to turn the blue crystal back into a good fairy. Presumably, the kid, having stood up to a three-headed monster, now has enough courage to go back to school.

The Monster That Challenged the World (1957)

They're snails, not caterpillars!

[3/10 · 9 February 2003]

THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD is one of your typical 1950's Cold War monster movies which involve giant radioactive mutant something-or-others. What THEM did for giant ants, THE BEGINNING OF THE END did for giant grasshoppers, TARANTULA! did for, well, you know..., THE MONSTER THAT etc. etc. does for snails. Yes, you heard correctly. The fearsome monster in this little "chiller" are giant radioactive man eating snails, who come to the surface after an earthquake opens up a fissure in the bottom of the Salten Sea in southern California. Which is best known for its close proximity to Hollywood and easy availability of cheap movie sets. How these snails became radioactive is never explained fully. But, since this is the 1950's, that apparently is not necessary.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "But aren't snails rather.... slow?" Yes, that is very true. However, these are not your ordinary garden-variety snails which tend to eat all your strawberries before they get ripe. These are very *sneaky* snails. They are continually sneaking up behind some poor unsuspecting sap who has been standing in the same place without moving for the better part of fifteen minutes. The snail then would then suck all the life juices out of its victim, who are most likely deaf as a fencepost since they obviously could not hear the very wet and mucus-ie sound of a 12 foot snail racing up behind them at the frightening speed of 20 feet per minute.

The film stars no one you have ever heard of. Well, I am wrong about that. It has Hans Conried as some local biologist who becomes the world's first expert on huge snails, and Max Sowalter, who may be best known for his role as the preacher in "10" and some part which I cannot remember from "Sixteen Candles". He was also in "The Indestructible Man", which starred Lon Chaney, Jr. Which is the subject of another review for another day.

The monsters are finally destroyed by a crack team of about 7 men driving around the southern California canal system and seeing where people who look like dried up twigs are randomly scattered. Divers then go underwater and find all the snails and their eggs. They then blow them up with dynamite (but not without the cliffhanger of "will the fuse light or won't it?"). End of story. Boy gets girl (which I did not go into, as the "hero" of the story is a very unfortunate looking side of beef which would embarrass the begeezuz out of any girl who happened to be seen in his company unless they were terribly hard up to begin with, which our heroine unfortunately is, so I guess it works out in the end). MY first solution would have been, of course, a couple of dumptruck loads of table salt.

Maybe the French would have considered a washtub full of drawn butter. 470 pounds of escargot.... Mmmmm....

The Monolith Monsters (1957)

What's so scary about big rocks?

[21 December 2002]

I remember seeing this one as a kid and thinking it was pretty boring. After all, it didn't have giant monsters fighting each other or bloodsucking vampires hiding in caskets in the basement. Rocks, what's so scary about big rocks? So they grow big and fall over. Big deal. However, after seeing it again as an adult, I must admit that I like this one quite a bit. It has a rather different storyline, and interesting and detailed special effects for its time. For those who enjoy the old "classic" sci-fi, I highly recommend this one.

I get a kick out of seeing Universal's back lot in movies from the 50's. There's the "Back to the Future" courthouse, plain as day.

Boca (1994)

Intriguing and disturbing.

[16 October 2002]

I just bought this video off of e-bay for four bucks, as I am a collector and it looked interesting. It turned out to be all that, and more. It was fascinating, intriguing, and disturbing, all done with a very simple storyline. Great acting from Rae Dawn Chong and all the supporting people. Absolutely wonderful cinematography. I don't know how to recommend this one. It is definitely not a "date" movie, nor is it your garden variety "Friday Night Popcorn" film. However, it is well worth the time.

Planeta bur (1962)

Pretty good film.

[24 May 2002]

It is a bit odd having a robot named John speaking monotonic Russian, but this is a pretty interesting film. I also found it interesting that a couple of English phrases were tossed in on occasion. This is not at all what I was expecting, which was something along the lines of "OUR space program is better than YOUR space program", considering the year this was made. However, there was only one passing reference to any political/ideological struggle, and that was probably thrown in to appease whatever Soviet film board that had to give its approval to this movie. I would recommend this one for any sci-fi junkies out there who like to see what other countries did with the genre.

The Phantom (1931)

This is a fun little film, if you can find it.

[24 May 2002]

For those who enjoy old films and are not put off by poor prints and bad quality sound, this hard to find film is quite fun. Break out the popcorn on a Saturday night in front of the TV. It is spooky and atmospheric, with a number of very funny, intentionally campy moments thrown in, much in line with The Old Dark House. I loved the bit where the reluctant visitor to the spooky old house was being chased around by one of the deranged looking inhabitants with a large stick. When he was finally cornered and was going to give himself up to whatever fate that awaited him, the ungainly old servant just lightly bopped the guy on the head and asked "Hey, did you lose this?" I was quite struck by the connection this film made with me, even though it was made almost 70 years ago.