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lamson_thomas
Reviews
Rumpelstiltskin (1995)
POV: You found the back of the Blockbuster Bargain Bin
In ancient times, Rumpelstiltskin was a strange creature of folklore who's MO was stealing the babies of hapless women and attempting to sacrifice them for eternal life or mystical powers. Now in modern day Los Angeles, the widow of one of the least competent cops in town accidently reawakens this child-snatching evil and sends it forth after her and her child! Will she be able to work together with a greasy game show host to stop this diminutive and demented monster? Actually, who cares?
This movie was designed to be a cash-in on the horror comedy craze started by Warwick Davis' Leprechaun, which is in and of itself a MASSIVE red flag in terms of its quality. Thankfully for the most part the movie depends on its cinematic cheese to keep things ticking along for most of its runtime, though sadly it runs out of ideas by the one hour mark. Thus its torn between speeding the plot along to get to a ending... and padding the holy bejeezus out of its final chase scene, using the same goofy shots of the same goofy goblin riding the same goofy truck an insane number of times. While Rumplestiltskin makes for a nice curio of a long-abandoned age of horror comedy, its just like the comedically cheap jade prop the titular goon is sealed in at the beginning... best left alone unless you're morbidly curious.
Maniac (1934)
Rock-solid 1930s Trash Theater
In the infinite maelstrom that is... a 1930s American City... A down-on-his luck Vaudeville Impersonator gets an odd job working for the local mad scientist with an apparent knack for necromancy, Eventually, said impersonator gets too spooked by the shenanigans of his boss, guns him down, then decides to steal his identity and hide his corpse behind a brick wall. This not only helps him to commit the perfect crime, but also get a little extra money as he takes his job as the local quack... that is, if the guilt of his crimes, the usual tomfoolery of the scenery-chewing civilians he lives near, and the temptation to commit more crimes doesn't drive him looney first.
"Maniac" is, for all intents and purposes, an attempt at a love letter to the works of Edgar Allen Poe, immediately rewritten and re-edited to take up the craze of anti-drug and edutainment movies, that rose with the people's concern over bootlegging. From there its obvious the director knew the jig was up, and just let his cast and crew go crazy from there, even going as far as to bootleg footage from various silent movies to give a slight psychedelic nature to the brutal and bizarre proceedings. While nothing is quite as crazy as the film implies, but still enough to be an impressively goofy, line-botching, accent attempting bout of exploitative horror-themed idiocy that, at a cool 53 minutes, serves a good appetizer for any late-night or early morning bad-movie session~
Street Trash (1987)
Terror at 1 Ph (Chemistry Joke)
The Slums of Los Angeles circa 1987 are a hazardous no mans land. Hidden among the hellscape of Theives, Desperate Destitutes, Violent Veterans, and other unfortunates, a bottle of Unassuming Hooch known as "Tennassee Viper" is hidden. Anyone unfortunate or fooish enough to drink viper is, through one ghastly means or another, promptly reduced to a pile of Technicolor Gore. Will "Viper" prove to be the Chekhovs Gun that defeats the Slums Self Titled Despot? It'll take a strong stomach to find out.
An utterly original take at Crime Drama thanks largely to its bold and grotesque 'Melt Movie' style Effect Scenes (one effect literally using a Bag of Trash and expired Food filled with Explosives), the Troma-Like Homemade feel of this film adds to its alarming and unsettling whiplash of gritty realism and Gore-Spewing Cheese. Although some scenes may at best hit a little close to home, and at worst downright offend, "Street Trash" can prove to be One Mans Treasure for those seeking top tier Cult Horror Movies.
Izo (2004)
An Ultraviolent, Cold-Steel, Time-Tripping, Demonic, Murderous, Musical, Sword-swinging, Samurai Vision Quest.
In the year 1865 AD, Samurai Okada Izo was betrayed and executed by the Shogunate, not only because of the constantly shifting balances of power, but also becauase Izo had slain so many People, that he was considered extremely dangerous, and an Embodiment of Chaos. Now dead and stuck in a bizzare Purgatorium of Japans Past up to its Present (up to 2004, at least), the disgraced Samurai castes his Karma to the wind to become a Genuine Force of Chaos, and attempt to make even the Gods fear his sword.
Designed by Takashi Miike as his own Fantasy Driven spin on the controversial character, Izo is most likely the most disturbing yet most Artistically Driven Martial Arts movie ever made. Using Samurai style action as the Placeholder, Izo bears a dizzying number of Poignant scenes that demand all manner of Psychological, Philisophical, and Societal Scrutiny. Even with these Arthouse trappings, a trippy Acid Rock soundtrack, Unsettling Horror scenes and impressively visceral duels prevent any of Izo from being particularly dull. If you have a strong stomach, and a budding interest in Asian Culture. Izo is beyond a doubt a Haunting Good Time.
Lik wong (1991)
Everybody wasnt just Kung Fu Fighting... they were Absolutely Slaughtering Eachother.
In the dystopian future of 2001, Asia's prison systems have grown fundamentally corrupt and brutal, also often acting as fronts for the very crime it claims to act against. Locked into one of the nastiest of these prisons is Riki Oh (Ricky for short), a mysterious fighter who was arrested for manslaughter, and has six bullets lodged into his chest, which he claims are "Souveneirs" of the revenge he claimed during the crime. Any normal man would go mad and die in these cells, as well as their horribly brutal Wardens... but not Ricky. This is because, not only is Ricky incredibly strong and have an immeasurably high tolerance for pain, but hes a master of the long forgotten Kung Fu known as Qi Gong which, at its full potential, can smash through solid rock with a single punch... and the less said about what it does to the human anatomy, the better.
Adapted from the Cult Classic Manga series "Riki Oh" (Loosely translated as "Violence King") The Story of Ricky is a Gung ho, gore splattering, skull crushing 80 minute slugfest that makes films such as "Big Trouble" and "Kung fu Hustle" Look almost pedestrian by comparison. Anyone seeking a film that channels immeasurable levels of testosterone with every second of runtime but are tired of the works of Tarentino or Rodriguez can definately look into Ricky's comically brutish martial arts spectacle as an alternative.
And yet, at the same time, theres another plus to this whacked out action movie not many Reviewers seem to notice: having read the Manga "Riki Oh" not long after watching this film, i am shocked to say the events this movie are shockingly similar, almost dead on identical to the events of the Manga's first 3 Volumes, effectively Panel by Panel during several sequences. The only alterations being to make "Story of Ricky" more of a solid standalone story without a "To be Continued" being tacked on the end. Therefore, if one wants to watch THE BEST LIVE ACTION ADAPTATION OF A MANGA (at least by default)... They should probably watch "Story of Ricky".
Holocaust Holocaust (2008)
Ambition > Budget in a Screwball Cannibal Exploitation Film Tribute.
1987: A crew of best buddies go on vacation after winning the lottery, where they assume The Stock Market will leave them set for life. Unfortunately, they are soon set for Misfortune and Death as: the Stock Market Crash of 1987 occurs, most of the partygoers are revealed to be Cocaine Addicts, sharks attack the boat, The Rather Steriotypical yet good natured Boat Driver Machõ leads them to the wrong island for vacation, and said island is populated by A defensive tribe of Idegenous Cannibals, who promptly attack and Make a Banquet out of every partygoer save for 2... soon to be 1.
... A film dedicated purely to referencing and embracing the gore slinging, island surviving, human cannibalizing Island Horror Movies such as Cannibal Holocaust. (The films initial title, Holocaust, was a direct reference towards.) Regrettably, the Comically Small budget of Destined fails to keep up with the suprisingly novel twists and turns this films plot shoots for, especially after the 2nd act. Cheesy, dubbed over acting, heavy Stock Footage use, and somewhat distasteful steriotypes (I am almost certain Machõ is one of the few actor credits in the film purely for his ridiculous Cuban appearance and accent, even though he leaves after the 1st Act.) Make Destined to Be Ingestined either more of or less of a tribute to the golden age of Cannibal Exploitation Horror, depending on your tolerance for cinematic Cheese.