iamerkin Reviews

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

It doesn't know what it is

[1/10 · 10 December 2023]

FNaF starts strong. The protagonist is a down-on-his-luck man who makes a bad judgment call, which leads to him getting fired from his job. But we later realize that his bad decision is related to his troubled past. Not bad for a horror movie. Then he's forced to accept a not-so-desirable job offer because he's faced with the challenge of raising his little sister by himself. I actually liked this setup and started to like the main character as well. But the movie suddenly throws all that out the window and turns into an amalgamation of horror cliches/tropes.

It honestly felt like the writers picked something from every horror movie they'd watched and put them together like some sort of patchwork: a protagonist who feels guilty about a past tragedy, a Silent Hill-esque weird police character that suspiciously appears out of nowhere, a little girl who can communicate with otherworldly beings, said little girl drawing weird images that turn out to be the key to solving the mystery, a serial killer who killed 4-5 kids (for fun, apparently) and then stopped killing, bodies of dead children stuffed inside animatronics, ghosts of the children haunting the animatronics, Jurassic Park/Alien-esque hide and seek scenes, an irrelevant character being the main bad guy because plot twist, and two characters being secretly related, plus some others I might've forgotten. I genuinely want to see someone pull that off, but FNaF doesn't.

It wants to be many things at the same time and fails at all of them. I wish they just stuck to the premise of the games. At least, it would've been an enjoyable B horror movie in that case. I appreciate their effort to be more than that, but they didn't succeed.

TL;DR: As many of the other reviews noted, the movie *looks* great, but the writing is just too dumb, and it's not even scary. Such a shame really, I could see FNaF being a decent movie, but the potential was wasted unfortunately.

Pluto (2023)

Turns to a lecture toward the end

[5/10 · 17 November 2023]

I don't regret watching Pluto, but in the end, it's another anime filled with tired cliches and overused tropes. I was hooked at first because the story presented itself as a mystery. But it's not a mystery really. You don't see stuff through the eyes of certain characters. Instead you're an omnipresent viewer who can be anywhere at any time, but only when and where the writers say so. So, it's not like you discover clues at the same time as the main characters do, it's just that you're spoonfed information by the writers to give you the illusion that you're watching a mystery. And the final reveal wasn't worth it at all - at least not for me.

But it doesn't matter that much anyway, as toward the end, the show turns into a lecture, where characters become tools in the hands of the writers who want to give us a lecture on something, the old "war bad, hatred bad" message in this case, instead of being authentic, living characters. Instead of being shown what hatred leads to and how and why it can destroy someone's life and reserving the right to make our own judgments, all of the characters just keep repeating it, and not because they've somehow learned that lesson, but only because the writers want them to.

Again, I don't dislike the show, I particularly enjoyed the Gesicht's and North No. 2's storylines, but if any of the things that I said stops you from enjoying a story to its fullest, maybe this show is not for you.

Scavengers Reign (2023)

Good Visuals, Bad Story

[17 November 2023]

I'll be honest, I got bored and stopped watching halfway through. While I'm not a fan of the art style myself, I understand the appeal. And I have to admit that they did a good job of depicting a totally alien planet, but only in terms of imagination and creativity. I had a hard time immersing myself in the world, because the creatures looked more like tools in the hands of the main characters instead of the natural inhabitants of a far away land.

Symbolism and sociopolitical commentary definitely has a place in any kind of storytelling, but they don't make the story better. The show jumps from character to character, making it more difficult to relate to any of them. I couldn't care about the story because I didn't care about the characters. If there's no tension, there's no story, I'm just watching some characters do some stuff. And there aren't many story-worthy events happening anyway. If you enjoy searching for deeper meanings in the shows you watch, knock yourself out. If you want a good story, this show is not for you.

Scream VI (2023)

Incompetent Killer

[3/10 · 19 October 2023]

I think it's not controversial to say that a slasher is as scary/thrilling as its killer. But this version of Ghostface is not that. In fact, they are among the most incompetent bad guys I've ever seen in not only scary movies, but in any kind of story in general. They're so bad that some of the scenes step into the boundaries of comedy, reminding of Scary Movie 1 (2000). Yet, at the same time, the movie takes itself too seriously. It's so obsessed with being cool and hip and expectation-subverting that it forgets it needs to be a good movie in the first place. The characters were uninteresting at best. I couldn't care less about their fates and I was actively cheering the killer to kill some of them.

P. S.: Watch Scary Movie 1 (2000). It's a hidden gem and definitely better that this movie.

Castlevania: Nocturne (2023– )

Maybe AI Replacing Hollywood Writers Is Not Such a Bad Idea After All

[1/10 · 29 September 2023]

I love the original series. It's one of my favorites. But this, this is one of the dumbest shows I've ever watched. Can't really feel bad for the writers' strike if this is supposed to be a demonstration of their capabilities. In summary, Nocturne consists of a plot that shouldn't really be happening, uses a mixture of convenient coincidences and stupid decisions to move that nonsensical plot forward, and adds in a dose of pretentious, meaningless dialog that are supposed to sound deep but come off as cringey. Some examples:

• Why does the main villain, who is this very powerful vampire-goddess, need a squad of night creatures when she has an army of loyal followers, who are mostly vampires? Where was she this whole time anyway? If she can basically turn off the sun, vampires' greatest enemy, and is essentially invincible, then what in the world was she waiting for? And why make alliances with ones who you know will ultimately turn their back on you?

• One of the main characters wants to spy on the pink-haired vampire (I watched the show today and still can't remember her name even if my life depended on it), and she just happens to pass by because she wants to meet another vampire on a random public cemetery, despite the fact that both of them have been residing at a noble's house this whole time.

• The main character just happens to find his grandfather at a random tavern. Then he proceeds to just randomly regain his magical abilities.

• Fight sequences are so inconsistent. The main characters struggle against three measly night creatures then proceed to obliterate a group of higher vampires without breaking a sweat.

• There are more than one occasion when the main characters are saved by sheer luck.

• Nothing is developed or explained. We're just supposed to accept things because the writers say so. Like, how is it that out of all the night creatures, 2-3 of them have retained their memories? What's so special about them? The fact that they're friends with the main characters?

I think that's enough.

Undone (2019–2022)

Yeah, That's Exactly How Time Travel Works!

[4/10 · 8 August 2023]

It's almost funny how the protagonist changes certain events in the past and those changes have the exact consequences that she wishes, without any adverse side effects whatsoever. For an adult animated series about time-traveling and time loops, the writing is not that clever.

The protagonist is probably one of the most unlikable main characters I've seen in a show. She's entitled and self-centered. Even when she's helping someone, it's never "We have this problem and I wanna try to help," it's always "I have this power and I wanna use it, because I can."

The interpersonal drama aspect of the show was decent in the first season but, in my opinion, didn't work in the second season. Everything is so straightforward and cliched. There are no conflicts. All the problems are solved and everything just works out. Sibling rivalry? Nah, never mind, they turn to best buddies in a matter of minutes. Oh, she's cheating. No, she isn't. Wow! Who could've seen that coming?

Insidious: The Red Door (2023)

What the Hell Did I Just Watch?

[1/10 · 5 August 2023]

I wasn't actually keeping track of the time, but what felt like the first half of the movie was filled with meaningless jump scares that were telegraphed so glaringly obvious they weren't even scary. And the second half wasn't any better 'cause I couldn't figure out what the point of the story was. The characters were so unlikable I was rooting for the monsters to kill them all. And I didn't even know who or what the monster was. Like, really, what is it? What does it want? And before you ask, no I haven't watched the previous installments. But if you're asking me to watch your previous 4-5 movies to understand what the hell is going on in your 6th movie, then your writing sucks! I know I'm just some random dude on the internet, but please let me help you: save your time and money. I didn't even pay anything to watch this and I feel robbed.

Ted Lasso (2020–2023)

Where's Ted?

[7/10 · 6 May 2023]

Ted Lasso is now a background character in his own show. We're now supposed to care about Keeley and Rebecca because they're strong independent women, but all they actually do is jump from one relationship to another while acting so stereotypically and annoyingly childish around each other.

The parts that are about the team are fun to watch. I like how Jamie and Roy have grown as characters. They're fun to watch and have great chemistry. But the other parts are honestly very boring. Most of the storylines are focused on characters that are not that interesting and can't carry the show.

And the storylines just go on and on and on without any conclusion in sight. I mean, it's Season 3 and Ted and Rebecca are still hung up on their exes. I could sympathize with them when they were acting all weird around their exes in Season 1, but it's annoying now.

The Legend of Vox Machina (2022– )

Easy to Watch

[7/10 · 28 January 2023]

If you like fantasy settings, especially DnD, especially Critical Role, you won't be disappointed with this. The animation is good, the voice acting is phenomenal and the characters are generally well-written and relatable.

The story moves too fast and is a bit all over the place, in my opinion. To me, it seems more like a party of heroes going on side quests instead of a coherent well-structured story. It's still fun and easy to watch though, if you don't obsess over details.

My main problem with the show is that while it advertises itself as an adult show, with so much gore, violence and swearing involved, it does not treat its audience as adults. For example, the "NPCs" are dying left and right, while the plot armor for the main cast is just too thick. There are just too many times when them surviving an encounter doesn't make much sense. And if the writers don't have the guts to kill off a character and end up bringing them back, why kill them in the first place? It has happened 3-4 times already. There's no tension if death means so little and the main characters can cheat it rather easily.

TL;DR: It's not among the best shows I've watched, but it doesn't do anything particularly wrong to stop you from enjoying it.

1899 (2022)

Unnecessarily Long

[22 November 2022]

I love mysteries. But this isn't a mystery. Watching the first season of 1899 is like someone gives you a puzzle and then just leaves. And then returns after eight hours and tells you how to solve it.

You're given clues here and there, but no context as to how these clues matter. And since you don't know what's going on and what is at stake, there's little to no tension. So you just watch characters talking and running around without knowing what it is they're really after and how any of this matters.

You keep watching in hope of some mind-boggling twists and reveals but they never come or are very unsatisfying.

This could and should have been the first two episodes of a well-written show. Instead, it's a long bloated first season whose real story kicks off in its last few minutes.

Severance (2022– )

Not for Everyone

[6/10 · 16 November 2022]

Severance is one of those series that some might call a slow burner, while some others might find it to be a drag. To me, it's more of the latter than the former.

As other reviewers noted, the show borrows some elements from 1984. And I think they succeeded in creating the same atmosphere. However, creating said atmosphere came with certain trade-offs. For example, some of the scenes are just too long. And there are scenes where nothing plot-worthy is happening. It's not a flaw, it was a deliberate decision made by the creators. But it might be a turn-off for some. So, be warned.

I liked most of the characters and I think the acting was very good, except for Cobel. I think the actress was overacting, but it might've been intentional, I don't know.

Season 1 finale ended in a cliffhanger with no satisfying closure. It might be just me, but I think such devices (cliffhangers, filler episodes, etc.) should've become obsolete by now. I'll be looking forward to the second season, but I'd be lying if I said I was highly entertained by the first season. If you like slow burners, please go ahead, you'll probably enjoy it a lot. But it's definitely not for everyone.

Star Wars: Tales of the Jedi (2022)

Mediocre

[5 November 2022]

I thought this would be a passion project with some heart and soul poured into it, but, to my disappointment, it proved to be yet another piece of uninspiring content for subscribers to consume.

Tales of the Jedi is a collection of filler-esque episodes that seem to be randomly bundled together without a coherent story arc. While I enjoyed seeing the younger versions of Count Dooku and Qui-Gon Jinn, it didn't seem to be a story that needed to be told.

If you like Star Wars and have a couple hours to spare, watching TotJ isn't the worst way you could pass your time. But if you're looking for clever writing that respects its audience's intelligence, consistent character development, scenes that have weight to them, memorable lines and moral dilemma/choices that are more subtle and less in-your-face, this isn't it.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)

Not even Obi-Wan can save this show

[8 June 2022]

Obi-Wan is rescued by others multiple times in his own show.

He has somehow forgotten how to use the Force and his lightsaber, yet he says he wants to protect and train Luke. What?

Three adult men have trouble catching a 10-year-old girl.

Leia is annoying, always getting herself and others in trouble, yet everybody treats her like she's some sort of child prodigy.

Reva is a flat one-dimensional character, being evil for the sake of being evil. No interesting backstories, no hidden motives, no memorable lines, just a cardboard cutout evil villain.

She goes rogue and basically does whatever she wants, and Vader not only does not discipline her, but also wants to promote her? What?

Vader is turning the whole galaxy upside down to find one single Jedi? For what? Revenge? Shouldn't he be busy with other stuff, like, I dunno, running a freaking interstellar Empire?

Vader can't capture Obi-Wan because there's fire between them? Didn't he put out the fire with the Force like two minutes prior to that? Using the Force has some sort of cooldown now? Can't they just go round it? I bet that would've taken two minutes at most. At least they can wait for the fire to die out, can't they?

The Empire knows where Obi-Wan is, and stormtroopers know that they're looking for a Jedi, but they don't know who they're looking for, and they don't recognize Obi-Wan Kenobi, one of the most famous Jedi knights in the history of the galaxy? What?

Shouldn't kidnapping a princess be considered a very serious crime?

If you're the Empire, shouldn't you execute, or at least arrest, the Organas for being associated with a Jedi?

I could go on, but I guess you get the point.

Halo (2022– )

This Isn't Halo

[26 March 2022]

We love Master Chief because we know who he is and why he does what he's doing. The Halo franchise has always been about a group of supersoldiers fighting against aliens to save humanity, sometimes forgetting that they are human themselves. Very simple plot, but that's part of its charm. It is exactly because of this simple plot that we can get behind Master Chief and cheer for him. But I couldn't get behind this version of Chief. I couldn't figure out what kind of person he was and why he was doing what he was doing. He seemed hesitant. And weak.

Too much focus was put on political BS and too many plot threads were introduced, many of which not that interesting or even necessary, in my opinion. The CGI looked low-budget and the acting wasn't that great. The overall plot kept me interested but a lot of random stuff happened just to move the plot forward without making much sense. Apart from the first 10 minutes or so, it looked more like a political drama rather than the epic military science fiction it should've been.

Writing this hurt a lot 'cause I've been very optimistic about this show and really wanted to enjoy watching it. I'm very disappointed.

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)

Why?

[1/10 · 25 December 2021]

I had very low expectations for this one, yet it somehow managed to be way worse than I had expected

If you want to scratch your Resident Evil nostalgia itch, just play the 2 and/or 3 remakes if you haven't already. They're awesome.

If you're just looking for a zombie movie, I bet you won't have a hard time finding a better one than this.

Just whatever you do, for whatever reason, do not waste your time watching this. I really don't understand why they made this movie. It's as if someone made a RE parody movie.

Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)

A Fun Movie About Basketball and Cartoon Characters

[7/10 · 27 September 2021]

I understand why many people are not very fond of LeBron James, I'm not a fan of him either, but that doesn't mean we have the right to discredit what he has done for the game of basketball and what he has brought to the game. Do I think he's a perfect human being? No. Do I think he's the GOAT? No. But I respect him, 'cause he's a great family man and a great player. And this goofy movie about basketball and cartoon characters is just that, a goofy movie about basketball and cartoon characters. What did you expect? Oscar-worthy acting and screenplay? I think if there was a God of Basketball in Greek mythology, it would've been Michael Jordan, but it annoys me how some people act like he was the greatest actor of all time. This movie is different from the original, and I liked that. I personally think it's better than the original, but that's just my personal opinion. It's not a movie you'd watch alone to give you food for thought and make you contemplate your existence, but it's very fun to watch with your family and I respect that.

Attack on Titan (2013–2023)

Season 4 Is Disappointing

[8/10 · 22 June 2021]

I considered dropping it after Season 1. It was just very slow and presented more questions than answers. But since Seasons 2 and 3 were already out, I decided to give it another chance. And that was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. From the beginning of Season 2 until the end of Season 3, this show is a masterpiece. Plot twist after plot twist, it just kept me on the edge of my seat. And seeing Eren grow as a character and become the savior they were hoping for, that's just a joy to watch.

But then Season 4 starts, and without any explanation we jump out of the main character's (Eren's) point-of-view, because if we know what Eren knows, then there won't be any plot twists. And that's, I believe, just lazy writing. Instead, we continue experiencing the story through the point-of-views of some new characters (e.g. Gabi), some previously unimportant characters (e.g. Pieck) and some of the villains (e.g. Reiner and Zeke). Isayama desparately tries to force us to relate to or at least feel sorry for Marley's so-called warriors and consider Eren as the new villain.

I love it when characters change and do things that make you wonder whether they're actually what you thought they were, but this has to happen organically in the natural order of the events in the story, not by changing the point-of-view out of the blue after three seasons or through tediously long and boring flashbacks. I don't give a damn if Zeke's been through a lot. It doesn't really matter. Having been through a lot doesn't translate to being relatable/likeable. To me, this is just lazy writing. It annoys me how no one takes a hint of what Eren is actually doing, even Armin, who's been so many times advertised as the super-smart kid.

Don't get me wrong. I still love AoT. It's one of the best anime series I've ever watched. I just liked it more when it was about people who were trying to survive and protect their homes, not some self-righteous, egotistical jerks.

Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (2020–2022)

Even worse than the Jurassic World movies

[22 June 2021]

As much as I love dinosaurs, I just couldn't enjoy this show. Dull characters with no development whatsoever. Boring story with no plot twists. Cheesy, almost nauseating humor. There are many kids' shows out there that offer high-quality entertainment to adults as well, but this isn't one of them. Heck, it isn't even a good kids' show, in my opinion.

Orphan (2009)

Another Mediocre Horror Movie

[4/10 · 25 May 2021]

The idea was good, but that's, I believe, the only good thing about this movie, as it turned out to be just another clichéd mediocre horror movie that might (or might not) take a good night's sleep from you but doesn't stick in your mind. A big remote house in the middle of nowhere. An evil young girl. A woman bothered by a tragedy in the past. Any of these ring a bell? What bothered me the most was that there isn't a lot of sense in what the characters do and how they react, making them highly unrelatable and, thus, taking much of the horror out of it as I couldn't care less what fate would befall them.

The Witcher (2019– )

A Must-Watch for the Fans of the Game Series

[23 December 2019]

As a fan of the game series who hasn't read the books, watching this version of Yennefer was an excruciating pain for me. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't just the appearance, it was the attitude as well. She was just unnecessarily sour and sarcastic about pretty much everything. I know the show depicts Yennefer way before her first appearance in the game series and I know the show was trying to be loyal to the books rather than the games, but even without comparing the two versions, this Yennefer character was not an interesting character for me in any way. That was actually the only problem I had with the series. Henry Cavill's performance was surprisingly great (not that I didn't trust his acting abilities, it's just that I thought playing Geralt was too damned hard), the action scenes were great, the soundtrack was great, and the mini-stories-within-the-greater-story structure was great as well. I think this is a must-watch for the fans of the game series.

Joker (I) (2019)

Not Enough Joker

[5/10 · 26 October 2019]

I think Joker is a great movie, but it wasn't (at least, not for me) a satisfying Joker experience. I wanted more Joker. I mean, they could've named it The Sad Clown or something like that and it wouldn't have lost much. Don't get me wrong, I really liked the movie, I think it's great. But I just wanted more Joker and less Arthur Fleck.