Xomby Reviews

The Mangler (1995)

The only fate worse than death? Watching this.

[2 September 1999]

There was not a single likable character in this film. I rented it because I was looking for a hideously bad movie and this one exceeded far beyond my expectations. Its almost nothing like the story.(Which was a short story, which is why the film makers had to add in a lot of filler to pad out the running time). The villian looks straight out of a James Bond movie. The people in the clothing factory are worked like slaves. Hello??? Has anyone heard of something called LABOR UNIONS? Its also interesting that, when its essential for the "plot", the mangler eats some people in about 2 seconds and on other people it just sits there, slowly devouring a person's appendage. Thats a real continuity error. Another one was the error that got this film made in the first place. After this movie Ive decided to never rent another King adaption again unless it has Kubrick's name on it.

Zombie Lake (1981)

AAAAAAAGH!!!!

[30 August 1999]

The zombies in this film are of the poorest quality Ive ever seen. Green face paint is apparantly the greatest special effect this movie could come up for its monsters, and lots of times you can actually see it running and cracking. Also the zombies move so slow I'm wondering if theyre tanked. These arent emaciated walking corpses, theyre fit and healthy..not even rotting! They should be able to run at least as fast as a normal human. I think the real horror of this film is the bad dubbing. Its one of the most boring movies Ive ever seen.

Empire of the Spiritual Ninja (1988)

Faceless ninja movie

[11 August 1999]

This is one of those faceless, anonymous ninja movies that probably only I've ever seen. A quarter of this is very thin people waterskiing and riding boats. Another quarter is thin people dancing around in a really lame Japanese disco. The rest of this movie is some really dumb ninja fighting, if you can call it that. If we are to believe this movie, ninjas attacked their enemies head on, shouting a huge battle cry and charging them like barbarians, only to be instantly killed by one hit. I think there are also some fascist themes in this movie since the head ninja has a swastika (?) on his head. Dont waste your time on this...rent a Sho Kosugi movie instead.

Death of a Ninja (1982)

Hilarious Ninja epic!

[6/10 · 31 July 1999]

This is the funniest ninja movie I've seen...and probably the worse I've seen since American Ninja 4. In some scenes lots of women are decapitated, and they stand there for about 30 seconds...blood spurting out of their heads like a fire hydrant! There's a really stupid old man with a staff who laughs really weird, and the evil warlord sounds like Grover from Sesame Street. My favorite part is the "ninja-like" attack methods the lampshade-headed warriors in this film use. As they fight, they spew egg yolk out of their mouths at people. And were supposed to believe thats what real ninjas do??? Overall this is the strangest ninja movie possibly ever made.

The Final Sacrifice (1990 Video)

Hilarious!

[6/10 · 20 July 1999]

This film is the zaniest piece of garbage to be tossed into the US from Canada. It stars Zap Rowsdower, a hateable drunk who can get out of ANY dangerous situation with his beer bottles. Hes pretty resourceful, even making a molotov cocktail out of one in a great scene. Then theres Troy McGregor, an adult child, probably a eunuch, who is the "handsome" lead. All he does is make dumb comments and run from people chasing him, as well as hiding in a basement all day and night. Then theres the villain, who sounds like a tape recorded message in slow motion and has animal caves for nostrils. Finally theres the old backwoods codger, who does a good Yosimite Sam impression but otherwise isnt much other than laughs. This movie really should have been marketed as a comedy...it would have been a lot more successful. Overall, not horrible...Its a good movie for Canadian standards.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

ThE mAsTeR wOuLd NoT aPpRoVe Of ThIs CoMmEnT!!!

[7/10 · 28 June 1999]

I love this movie...everything about it is really sleazy...the music, the actors, everything! The "hero", played by the director on a bad ego trip, is one of the most arrogant jerks I've ever seen. The "villain", The Master, is laughable in his role. Torgo is the only reason to watch this. He is one of the greatest characters to ever come out of cinema...his role is legendary! If it werent for him this would be a lot worse and thats saying something; It would be completley unwatchable. Hats off to Torgo, the big kneed quasimodo that we all have a place for in our hearts...

The Fall of the Roman Empire (1964)

Not quite accurate

[24 June 1999]

I am a scholar on the Roman Empire and this movie, while lavishly produced, is wrong on some points. Commodus didnt have his father killed, and he didnt die the way the movie portrayed it. The acting is pretty good and there are wonderful scenes, such as a funeral, but I think the director should have done his homework and studied a bit more about Roman history.

Werewolf (1995 Video)

"Ah wuz a tinn-ugged warwilf!"

[17 June 1999]

Never before have so many dialects, languages and mishmashed accents been thrown together into the murky swamp that is this movie's script. You have werewolf pronounced "warwilf", "weerwulf","worweelf",and almost anything you can imagine. The sets, costumes, and music are just as awkward and spontaneous as the dialogue...early evening becomes night, and then changes into early evening again...in the course on five seconds! How??? Then you have one of the most ridiculous characters Ive ever seen...Sam "The Keeper", a sort of Fidel Castro, Jerry Garcia, Santa Claus crossbreed...don't miss him! It looks like all of the money they spent on the film went into the holographic box design. Its quite hilarious and terrible. See it on MST3K when you get the chance, but dont waste your money!

Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1983)

This movie came from a boggy creek...

[5/10 · 17 June 1999]

This movie is so putrid it looks like it came from a boggy creek. Heres the plot: Chuck Pierce takes his anorexic son (assistant) and two cousins/family friends (female students)on a trip through an Arkansas forest to find Bigfoot. Along the way, he has awfully filmed flashbacks that try to be funny but only serve to grate on the viewers nerves. His assistant, Tim, reminds me of those commercials where they show all of those starving children in Africa. I'm not kidding...a light breeze would floor this guy! Anyway...it turns out the real bigfoot is Crenshaw...a louse ridden 8 foot tall hillbilly with a koosh ball for head. Its pretty awful. Still, I'd probably watch this over "Harry and the Hendersons" any day of the week.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

Great

[10/10 · 4 June 1999]

This movie has everything: Giant rubbery monsters slugging it out, cyborgs, and the gorillas from "Planet of the Apes". Angilas is my favorite monster and my favorite scene is where he fights Mechagodzilla. I like the battle scene at the end: the special effects are much better than almost any other Godzilla movie of the 70's, 60's or 50's. The music is also kickin': I thought that any moment the battling monsters would start slamdancing to it! I like this movie a lot and it should be noted as Angilas's last appearance.

The Dungeonmaster (1984)

Uggh...

[4/10 · 21 May 1999]

It seems like the movie people who made this thought that seven horrid directors could equal one mediocre director...wrong! Imagine the worst possible movie you could ever watch. Now imagine something a million times as bad. You now have a movie that is about half as bad as The Dungeonmaster. Maybe I'm exaggerating. This film had some merits to it, one of which being one of the easiest movies that I have ever given the MST3K-treatment. Its extremely funny. The villain is an odd hooded individual named "Mestema". I kept saying "Cool-from Nestea---ma!" during his scenes. There was a rather gruesome scene when he was alone in a darkened room and appeared to be doing something..uhh...well, I'd rather not say. The "hero", a computer nerd who jogs in pink boxer shorts and changes Don't Walk signs and makes illegal bank transactions with his wrist computer, is apparantly having some sort of sexual relationship with his computer. (They dont show it, thank God, but its implied somewhere along the line in the beginning of the movie...)Anyway, he's transported to a computer dimension to fight the villain (why I don't know). Along the way he meets bearded midgets (hobbits?) killer wax dummies, bad fraggle rock-style monster puppets, zombies that bear a striking resemblence to Marty McFly and Doc Brown from Back to The Future, and some stupid "Star Wars" robot rejects.He is an incompetant whiny idiot, in other words. I truly had a field day riffing this movie, and it is truly one that Mike and the 'Bots should have on the show as well.

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

One of my personal favorite Godzilla movies

[10/10 · 16 May 1999]

I like this movie. Many people have reviled it, but I think it's probably one of the most underrated Godzilla movies around. I like the fact that Gigan and Angillus are in it, bringing two of my favorite monsters face to face. In this movie Godzilla talks, which is hilarious and adds to the camp value. I especially like the ending where Godzilla and Angillus team up on Ghidora and give him the biggest whipping of his life! Personally, i miss the older Godzilla films of the late 60s and the 70s, when he was a hero and not a brainless monster. But I'm sure many of you disagree with me. I just enjoy the campy feel these good old movies brought to the Godzilla saga. (With the exceptions of Godzillas Revenge and Godzilla vs. Megalon, but those are a different story!) I also liked the song at the end. Sure this movie had stock footage, but it was GOOD stock footage. Still, I wish they came up with original material for it. Oh well, I give this movie 4.5 out of 5 asterisks anyway. (Not for the acting but the fighting.)

Jungle Cavalcade (1941)

OK

[9/10 · 7 May 1999]

I saw this a long time ago on A&E when I was about 6 or so. I kind of liked it, especially the snake and tiger battle and the part where the monkeys the hunters trapped got their hands stuck in coconuts but wouldn't let go of the food inside, so they were stuck! The elephants were cool too. But I don't think anyone but me has actually seen this in 50 or so years, really...it was pretty good, I guess.